God's Will

God had heard enough. All he ever heard was “God’s will.” He decided that it was finally time that he actually wrote a will.

How would he go about such a venture? There was a lot that he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t really a citizen of any one country. Where would he go? He first thought about Israel. Then he realized all the controversy that this would cause. He remembered that he had once said that “The Jews were the chosen people.” He thought that it was time that he stopped choosing them.

He was leaning towards the United States, but two things concerned him:

1) What was all this clamoring he heard about a Death Tax? Those nice Republicans keep trying to get this repealed. He didn’t have much in the way of assets, but he didn’t want the Government to get them. In fact his entire estate consisted of An Ark, Two tablets, a Grail and a couple of million Dollars in a Swiss Bank Account.

2) He was concerned that he would be considered an illegal Alien. How would Lou Dobbs react?

He decided to seek the advise of the famous New York Probate Attorney Benny Ficiary.

Benny: Can I have your name please sir?

God: I’m God.

Benny: What is your family name?

God: I’m God, that’s my entire name.

Benny: So you’‘re like Madonna. You only have one name. Any aliases?

God: Many, Lord, Jehovah , Hashem. Shall I go on?

Benny: Have you any thought how you wanted to leave your assets?

God: I think it would be easier if we listed who among my children I’d like to disinherit. First of all the thin crackpot lady with the long neck. She’s always telling people how they should live their lives and what I want. I’ll let people know what I want.

And that phony Minister, who said that terrible Hurricane and those attacks in New York were my way of punishing sinners. You know what, I’ll give his share to a Lesbian, Jewish, Feminist member of the ACLU. That would show him.

Now what about this death tax?

Benny: It’s not really called a death tax. It’s called an Estate Tax. It doesn’t really effect you. This year there is no Estate Tax for 2010. After that Congress will have to decide.

God: So it doesn’t really effect me then.

Benny: No. The problem that I see is that you’re an illegal alien. We should first work on getting you a green card. When was the last time that you worked?

God: I created the heavens and the earth.

Benny: Nothing more recent? Can you get a job? Starbucks is looking.

God: That’s not a bad idea. I do need insurance and I understand that they cover all employees.

Benny; How about your family. Do you have any children?

God: Just one son. But he never calls, he never writes.

Benny: What's the boy's name.

God: Christ.

Benny: Any other relatives?

God: I have a sister. I'm not very fond of her, but she is the boy's aunt.

Benny: What's her name.

God: We just call her the Auntie Christ.

Rush and Ann in the Garden of Eden

Before creating plants or animals, God forms Rush "from the dust of the ground...and man became a living being." God sees what he has done and creates the figleaf.

God sets the man in the Garden of Eden and permits him to eat of all the fruit within it, except that of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, "for in the day that you eat of it you shall die." And man says unto God, “That’s two things that I have no use for, fruit and knowledge.”

God makes "every beast of the field and every bird of the air, ... and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name ... but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him." Yet man insisted upon restricting immigration into the Garden of Eden.

God causes the man to sleep, by giving him a prescription drug, and makes a woman from one of his ribs, and the man awakes and names his companion Woman, "because she was taken out of Man." Man is very upset with God, because he had saved that rib for his breakfast.

"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." Disgusted, but not ashamed.

The serpent tells the woman that she will not die if she eats the fruit of the tree: "When you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." And maybe we can get you a job on Fox News.

So the woman eats and gives to the man who also eats. "Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons." Man continues to eat, Woman purges herself of the food.

God curses the serpent: "upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life;" the woman he punishes with pain in childbirth and with subordination to man: "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you;" and the man he punishes with a life of toil: "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground." The man names his wife Ann, "because she was the mother of all living". And man, woman and serpent all blamed Obama, and God had not yet created him.

"Behold", says God, "the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil," and expels the couple from Eden, "lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever." The gate of Eden is sealed by a cherub and a flaming sword "to guard the way to the tree of life." And the man and the woman would never again be blessed with knowledge.

Fate of a Freddie the Flea

Freddie was despondent. His lead act in his Flea Circus, Flicker had flown off. He was also fearful that the infamous flea who had been all over the News, was his Flea Flicker.

He had trouble fathoming why flicker had flown. He turned on CNN. "This is Soladad O'Brien in New York, with the latest facts regarding the fearless flea that bit the President's Dog. The flea is feared to be the famous Flicker from the Freddie Fitzpatrick Flying Flea Circus. We now join Anderson Cooper with Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesperson, Felicia Fender with further details.

"Agent Fender, forgive my forgetfulness, but I was under the impression that the FBI had jurisdiction of Flea felonies in the Federal District since the misfortune of FDR's feline Felicity and his dog Fala were ferociously fed to the Fleas back in 44."

A fumbling Federal Agent Fender replied, "The Feds are still finding facts. We fanned a far-flung facsimile of the Flea to all Federal Facilities. This is just a formality, for we expect to find the fallen Flea in the forenoon.

Fitzpatrick was fearful about the fate of his fearless Flea. He switched his Television to Fox.

"This is Sean Hannity with a follow up about the Flea that the FBI is now following who allegedly made Flea food of Fido. We're here with Ann Coulter, who would like to affirm her feelings on the fate of Fido."

"Sean, this emphatically a foreign Flea from the Federation, formerly known as Formosa. The fate of Fido came forth because we don't forbid Fairs that fund Flea Circuses from farming out their jobs to felonious foreign Fleas flying from the former Formosa. New Flea Circuses should be formed featuring flag waving Fleas from the Flea Partiers."

Freddie fretted and then flung his female feline, Felicia at the foul mouthed figure featured on Fox Channel 44.

He found the Television Flicker and turned on his favorite female reporter Rachel Maddow.

"Fox is reporting that this is a Felonious Foreign Flea from the Federation formerly known as Formosa. I have found out that this is a folly formulated by Famous Fleabagger, Frank Funt. This Flea was found to be a front for Fox and friends." Film of Frank Funt feeding his fat face with a Frankfutter was then featured.

Freddie, couldn't follow this farce any further so he found his forty-four, and with one ferocious fit, fired it at the farce., while yelling the word his father, Freddie the first had forbidden him to say.

Norton Hears The Who

Apologies to Dr. Seuss


On a hot day in June, from the Garden came a Tune,

The Arena was cool, The sewer had stool,

He was sloshing.....fixing the sewer’s great clogs,

Was Norton the Sewer Worker Prodding Through all the Bogs.

So Norton stopped plunging, he heard a loud sound.

"That’s funny," said Norton, "I’m deep underground"

Then he heard Guitars blast, as loud as all thunder,

As if a Rock and Roll Band had joined him down under.

"I can’t stand it." cried Norton,. "This is not part of the Job.

The advertisement didn’t mention this, they just wanted a slob!"

Then he heard a loud crash, the drums caused a cave in!

"Ralphie Boy," cried Norton, "I may never get out,

arrange for the Raccoons to help me breakout.

This music it’s rotten. It’s no way to go.

The Who up above, me drowning below!

It’s their Generation their talking about,

it’s so loud I’m afraid I will never get out."

"I’m just some poor sewer worker, all dripping in crap

I know that there’s an exit, I know that there’s a trap.

The others called in sick, there was Harvey and Ken.

He vowed if he got out, "I won’t be fooled again."

Crash went the symbols and Daltry let out a yelp.

He was glad he wasn’t Tommy. He could at least yell for help!

But who would hear Norton, it didn’t compute.

Nobody knew where he was, he was merely a Substitute!

Trixie told me, thought Norton, not to work tonight.

I should have listened he thought, and I shouldn’t have worn white!

I know Ralph will save me, maybe Alice will help,

but all Norton could say was LuLu with a yelp!

And suddenly help came sloshing on through,

In stead of thanks, all Norton could say is I can’t stand The Who!

Eggs But No Ham

Apologies to Dr. Seuss



Would you like

that piece of ham?

I can not eat Ham,

for Schwartz-I-am

I was circumcised at eight days old,

and ever since then, I’ve done what I’m told.

Would you try it

just this once?

No I think that I’ll stick to

my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.

I will not eat that piece of Ham,

Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.

But I’d like to, said

Schwartz-I-am.

I’m sorry you can’t eat

a slice of Ham.

How about a can of Spam?

Nobody wants Spam in a can.

Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.

I will not eat it

when I Pray.

I will not eat it

at the end of day

A Jew won’t eat Spam in a can

I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am

Would you try it in the Shul?

Would you eat it with a Fool?

Would you get this through you head.

I cannot eat food that’s ill-bred!

I will not eat them in a Shul.

Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!

The animal must chew its Cud.

So I guess your party is just a Dud.

To a boy named Murray such is banned.

I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.

Would you eat them

in the Temple?

Please come here and

try a sample!

I will not eat them in the Temple.

What’s your problem are you really that simple.

I will not eat it from a box.

I’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.

You see this Beanie upon my head.

It’s just not the way that I was Bred.

I will not eat Spam in a can.

I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!

Could you just this

once try a Shrimp?

A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!

Not even with that Shiske Sweet!

I would not, could not, eat his food.

I could not, would not, I’m not being rude.

I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.

My Mother may catch me, I won’t take the risk.

A Cheeseburger, I’ve never had.

Not even as a Little Lad.

I will not date that Shikse Pam.

Although, I’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.

But,

Nobody will know,

There’s no one to show

Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.

I would not, could not,

even with Moe

Would you, could you,

on the Sabbath?

I would not, could not, on the Sabbath

Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.

Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.

I cannot eat this what you serve,

So you’ll have more left in reserve.

Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?

You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!

Now listen while I tell you just one last time,

for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.

I will not eat a slice of Ham.

I will not eat Spam in a can.

But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam

I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.