A Biblical Tale

Here is a story, keep the young ones away.
For you may get offended, if they hear what I say.
But I’m not sure why, because it’s as old as the hills.
It’s about subtraction, waste, seed and spills.
He has been dismissed for his minor role.
But young boys revere him, am I being too droll.
In the book of Genesis, Chapter thirty-eight
We meet a character named Onan, whose hand was his date.
Now the Lord had suggested that we “be fruitful and multiply.”
But to call this a crime, causes the accuser to stultify.
All Onan had done was grab hold of himself
Remarkable, when you consider, no Playboy on his shelf.
Now Murderers are paroled after serving one score.
Petty thieves may not even see a prison door.
Pushers are out after a decade
So why is poor Onan cursed for his hand maid?
So here is the moral of my story this day
Most crimes are forgiven, if you go astray.
Keep your hands away from your lower extremes
Don’t spill thy seed, or have any wet dreams
For the Lord up in heaven, is plenty forgiving
He forgives murder and arson and missing Thanksgiving,
But don’t be like Onan, don’t spill thy seed.
You’ll be punished forever for that heinous deed.

Pat Robertson's song

We suspect that those who complain the loudest are hiding something. Recently discovered was this rare musical number sung by Pat Robertson, to the tune of Cabaret.

What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay

With gay marriage permitting
Two brides or two grooms
Hey Mac, try a Gal today
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay

Morality declines
When sex is by hand
Much too much porn
Jews celebrating
Look this way
There’s two men dating.

Stop now committing
Your sins in chat rooms
Go back to your Chevrolet
God will punish the Jew and Gay
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay

I used to have a crush on a guy named Kelsey
Together we defiled a cow named Elsie

She wasn’t difficult to overpower
You only had to treat her to happy hour

The day he left the neighbors all did bicker
One said, “You should have stayed with that horse named Flicka.”

But I was afraid of something unforeseen
Like what happened to that famous Russian Queen.

I think of Flicka to this very day
I remember how he’d look at me and bray
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
They’ve caused urban decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay

As you can see
I’m going back to Kelsey
Together we can both find Elsie

So start by committing
Some sins in costume
Blame them on Jews and Gays
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
You’ll cause some rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay

The Great New York Earthquake of 2011

Harvey was sitting, dining Al fresco, on First Avenue when suddenly some of his Cabernet spilled. “My God,” said Harvey, “who is going to pay for this stain on my Izod? This will not come out in the wash! Waiter!!”

Across town, Sheila and Bernie, were celebrating their 40th anniversary, when suddenly Bernie felt a tremor, “Sheila, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, I can do it!! There is no need for your mechanical toys!”

On the M15 bus rolling down Second Avenue, the passengers were suddenly jolted. Sol, a veteran of the New York City Buses said, ‘That was nothing. You should feel the potholes on the crosstown bus.”

State Farm and Allstate Insurance companies are reporting record claims for Pizza and Latte stains.

Such was the devastation of the New York earthquake of 2011.

Gonna Run

The Republicans were so pleased with their new campaign strategy, of having their candidates sing together, released a single track by the hit duo, :Sarah and Michelle," called "Gonna Run" With apologies to the great Bruce Springsteen:




In the days of stress out on Wall Street, we’re the Republican’s first team
At night we retire to our mansions and the Liberals all scream
Quoting the Tea Party line
No Medicaid, Mexicans, Gay Marriages or any other Liberal Chime.
Sarah our first job will be dissolving Freddie Mac
Before we unpack, so let’s recap
We gotta brainwash all the young
Cause Girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run

Michelle, we’re gonna win, we’re gonna condescend
I agree with your decisions
We will get our kids to sing Battle hymns
And lower the wealth’s tax with our revisions
Together we could change the map
Blue states we will drop, that’s our plan of attack
If you run with me, that will transpire
Cause Michelle, I’m just a Washington outsider
With true Libertarian ideals
Cause Girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run

Beyond the White House, Liberals drone we’re spending with a credit card
But when we get elected, they’ll either see things clearer
That nobody gets a green card
We’ll arrest Richard Clarke, if he makes any remark
Left wing names on a new enemies list
Let’s talk about the good times like the McCarthy era, isn’t it great to reminisce?

The Tea Party fills our future cabinet, HUAC we will revive
Liberals have your fun tonight, cause soon we will preside.
Together Sarah we’ll end left wing madness
We’ll find oil at the North Pole
Someday friend, I see it now, we’ll drill in outer space
When we are through, each family will own a submachine gun
But till then, girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run.

Where is the USSR

It appears that both Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann, know things about Russia, that nobody else does. Sarah can see it across the Bering Strait and Michelle thinks it's still the USSR. They've decided to do a duet together. With apologies to Lennon and McCartney:


Michelle:
Looked all through the latest Rand McNally
Couldn’t find this place last night
It was there the last time that I looked to see
Man, I must be losing my sight
Where is the USSR?
You know that place with the Czar, boy
Where is the USSR?

Sarah
Haven’t looked so long, I might have lost my place
Gee it’s good to be in Nome
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my gun case
Honey, I’m pneumonia prone
My back faces the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boys
Back to the USSR

Michelle & Sarah
Well the Ukraine girls are so strong and stout
They don’t have my behind
And Moscow girls are all Red throughout
And Georgia’s border is likely Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi, MI, Mi, Mi, Mi, Mined

We fear the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boy
We fear the USSR

Michelle & Sarah
Well the Ukraine girls are so strong and stout
They don’t have my behind
And Moscow girls are all Red throughout
And Georgia’s border is likely Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi, MI, Mi, Mi, Mi, Mined

Show me round your oil pipelines way down south
Take me out to kill a bear
Let’s hear all good Americans wailing out
Keep your commies over there.
We fear the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boy
We fear the USSR

If I only had Michelle

I had that Dream again. You know the one, where I meet Michelle Bachmann, who is walking down the Yellow Brick Road to the White House. I long for her, but What would I do with Michelle I had her?
Why, if I had Michelle, I would…

I would chase away the Left Wing
And declare war on Beijing
And stop use of stem cell
And the Gay Men I’d be catching
With women I’d be matching
If I only had Michelle

And to all those who are in the Middle
You’ll all play second fiddle
And eventually farewell

(Michelle)
And you’d show those who’ve been thinking
That you’re doing too much drinking
If you only had Michelle.

Remember Mom and Apple Pie
We’ll bring back the cold war
I’d eliminate those Commies at Peace Corps
We’ll pray in Schools, just like before.

But I am just a New York Lawyer
Rereading Old Tom Sawyer
With multiple Brain Cell
So for of you unwary
Life could be very scary
If I only had Michelle.

Mrs. Brown you've got a Lovely Daughter

And she said "Great, get the divorce", but it turns out, in New York state, they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery, and it's weird, because the ten commandments say "Thou shalt not commit adultery", but New York state says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was, my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.

Woody Allen

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is no longer the law in New York State, but suppose for a minute that marriages were run like Baseball, a conversation between women on the street might go something like this:

Mrs. Cohen: Good morning Mrs. Levy, I was sorry to hear about Mr. Levy.

Mrs Levy: Well, I put him on the 15 day disabled list so I could bring up a replacement from Pawtucket.

Mrs. Cohen: I was hearing trade rumors is any of that true?

Mrs. Levy: Mrs Schwartz had offered me her husband and a station wagon for Mr. Levy. If I decide to trade, I think that I can get more by shopping him around. Mrs. Goldberg is always looking to swap.

Mrs. Cohen: But, Mr. Goldberg is a free agent at the end of this season. If you trade for him you might have to go for a rookie in the off season. He also has that terrible contract that states that wherever he is traded the dog must go with him.

Mrs. Levy: No wonder Mrs. Goldberg is looking for a trade.

Mrs. Cohen: Why would you want to trade Mr. Levy anyway?

Mrs. Levy: He keeps missing signals. Last week for instance, I gave him the take sign, figuring he'd walk, steal second and third and we'd try to score on the squeeze play.

Mrs. Cohen: Oh, I love the squeeze play, so what happened?

Mrs. Levy: He swung for the fences and missed! Before I knew it he was in the clubhouse having a sandwich. So the next night I batted myself.

Mrs. Cohen: I saw the box score. That seemed to work out well.

Mrs. Levy: You'd think so. The next thing I knew I was hearing from his agent. It seems his contract has a bonus clause in it if he gets more than 200 at bats any season. He accused me of an unfair labor tactic. He threatened to demand a trade. Then he goes out and pulls a muscle. That along with the blister, I had no choice, but to put him on the disabled list.

Mrs. Cohen: How'd he get hurt?

Mrs. Levy: He was taking extra batting practice.

Mrs. Cohen: Are you interested in Mr. Cohen?

Mrs. Levy: I might be, are you interested in trading?

Mrs. Cohen: I'm always willing to listen to offers.

Mrs. Levy: I can't take Mr. Cohen straight up for Mr. Levy. Mr. Cohen is much older and he's a free agent at the end of next year. There have always been those rumors of him wanting to play for Mrs. Brown.

Mrs. Cohen: Maybe we can work out a three way deal.

Mrs. Levy: I might be interested, but Mrs. Brown would have to throw in her daughter.

Mrs. Cohen: Well, Mrs. Brown does have a lovely daughter!

The Heidi Fleiss Variety Hour

NBC recently anounced that in their Fall schedule, they will be returning to an old format, The Variety Show. On Wednesday Night at 9:00PM they will air "The Heidi Fleiss Variety Hour." Here's Heidi with a little preview.

(To the tune of King of the Road)

Sailors help pay the rent
Average night...fifty gents.
No pride, no fret, no sweats
I’ve laid the New York Mets
Ah, but..two hours he’ll be a groom
What I gave him, does spell doom
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.

Third apartment, call me Jane
Extra money gets Champaign.
Take off your suits and shoes,
For ten bucks we could Schmooze,
They all think that I’m profound
But, I just sleep around
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.

I know every man without a brain
Pay me extra, I’ll bring a Great Dane
If the monies right, I’ll be a clown
I’m on the clock, A short trip to Bangkok.
Would you want to wear a gown?

I sing,
Sailors help pay the rent
Average night...fifty gents.
No pride, no fret, no sweats
I’ve laid the New York Mets
Ah, but..two hours he’ll be a groom
What I gave him, does spell doom
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.

An American Success Story

Come gather up children and listen intently
About a family of five who lived in a Bentley.
The year was One thousand and nine ninety seven
Most who knew them, have now gone to heaven.

Max lost his house in two oh oh two
His Name was Maximilian, but he lost a Million then too.
Max was married, to a mieskeit name Sue.
It wasn’t really her name, but it was all she could do.

She sued the baker, the cop on the beat
The butcher and tailor, the girl who polished her feet.
Although they did nothing to merit her case,
They’d pay her the blackmail, to not look at her face,

They spent most of their money on the house and the car
Max spent the rest on his tab at the bar.
For their house they did borrow One Million and five
The bank gave them a mortgage, if they could prove they’re alive

Sue lost her first case when she sued by Max’s mother
She was represented by Max, Mom by his brother
Mom came to the door, “Said, I’m collecting.
By the way dear, Is that a whale you’re expecting?”


Next came the bankers, their lawyers came too,
“You owe us five mil. , didn’t you read the fine print through.”
So they moved into their car, it isn’t so shabby,
Max is the only one, who drives a Rolls Royce as a cabby.