Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Run out and find me a four year old child
Senator Al Franken (Democrat, Minnesota) compares Republicans to four year old
children. This created an unexpected
chain reaction amongst Republicans, which culminated in Senate Minority Leader,
Mitch McConnell (Republican, Kentucky) threatening to “hold my breath until I
turn blue.”
It all began On October 22, when MSNBC Host, Rachel Maddow,
quoted Franken from his 2003 book “Lies (and the Lying Liars who tell
them). Franken stated in an obscure
passage “They don't get it. We love
America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love
America the way a four-year old loves her mommy. Liberals love America like
grown-ups. To a four-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone
who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what
you love, taking the good with the bad, and helping your loved one grow. Love
takes attention and work and is the best thing in the world.”
The Quote was picked up picked up the next day,
Tuesday, October 23, 2012, by Sean Hannity, who threw himself on the floor
kicking and screaming.
By Wednesday, October 24, 2012 the quote had
reached the campaign trail, when upon hearing the quote Vice Presidential
Nominee, Paul Ryan, upon hearing the quote started to shriek, uncontrollably
then ultimately took his campaign and went home.
Then finally on Thursday, October 25, 2012, when Senator
McConnell heard the quote he said that he had had enough and unless it stopped
he would hold his breath until he turned blue.
Then he puffed up his cheeks and held his breath.
This reporter attempted to reach
Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney for a comment, but he was in the middle of
a “time-out.”
Meatloaf endorses Romney
Not wanting to be omitted from the recent string of Rock and
Roll endorsements, Meatloaf yesterday endorsed Mitt Romney. The Romney camp was very excited about this
surprising endorsement. “We’ve been
trailing in the recent polls among overweight, sweaty, has been stars. This makes up for the recent Brian Wilson
endorsement of Eugene McCarthy.” An anonymous
Romney spokesman said.
Wilson said that he was “unaware that McCarthy died in 2005,”
but that that would not affect his endorsement.
“Many great things have been done by the deceased.” Stated Wilson
Meatloaf, whose real name in Michael Lee Aday is the latest
Rock and Roller to endorse a political candidate. Bruce Springsteen has been touring the
country for President Obama. Ted
Nugent recently endorsed Benito Mussolini.
Mitt Romney has in recent days met with Leif Garrett, and
David and Shaun Cassidy trying to secure that all important group of women who
belong to “The seventies teeny bopper fan club.”
This entire election may just hinge on the long awaited
endorsement of David Soul.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Senatorial Candidates Mourdock and Akin announce support of radical "Personhood" Amendment, "Life begins at Ejaculation."
The idea behind this post, it turns out, is not original. Credit must go to an Oklahoma State Senator, who wanted to show her colleagues how absurd they were. However, the story is mostly mine.
Senatorial Candidates Mourdock and Akin announce support of radical "Personhood" Amendment, "Life begins at Ejaculation."
Missouri Senatorial Candidate Todd Akin and Indiana Senatorial Candidate Richard Mourdock, independently yesterday called for a Constitutional Amendment stating that life begins at Ejaculation. This amendment would outlaw in vitro fertilization, stem cell research, contraception, masturbation and nighttime emissions. The “Personhood” amendment would define each sperm cell an individual life.
When asked about the practicality of banning nighttime emissions or “wet dreams” Representative Akin said “If his thoughts are pure, the male body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Representative Mourdock, said that he thought long about the issue of Masturbation, and finally concluded that, “Because God killed Onan for ‘spilling his seed,’ we must follow God's example.”
Protests rang out from many sources. Playboy magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, stated that “it is clearly a violation of the right to privacy.” Philip Roth, author of “Portnoy’s Complaint” stated that “this will have a deleterious effect on the sale of liver.”
Former Presidential Candidate, Rick Santorum, supporting the amendment, stated “Is it wiggling a tail. If it is, ergo, it is life.”
Asked if she felt it would be difficult for young men to control themselves. Conservative Pundit, Ann Colture, said last night on the Sean Hannity show, “ I've been out with a lot of men, somehow they've had no difficulty controlling themselves around me. It can’t be that difficult.”
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
The Two Mels
The famous “hands off” approach of Hollywood Mogul, Werner Brothers, may have finally backfired. The highly successful, yet controversial Brothers, who most recently brought to the screen the epic adaption of the sixties Television classic, Mr. Ed, starring Tom Cruise as Ed, had announce that his next epic would be a biopic of God. It seems that Brothers knew that he wanted to hire Mel Gibson to be the writer and director, but left the task to his Associate Producer, who mistakenly hired Mel Brooks.
When reached for comment, Gibson said, “This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the contract, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.
Brooks, last week announced the beginning of his prospective cast. Brooks himself will play God, with Cloris Leachman as his sister, “Auntie Christ.”
When reached for comment, Gibson said, “This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the contract, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.
Brooks, last week announced the beginning of his prospective cast. Brooks himself will play God, with Cloris Leachman as his sister, “Auntie Christ.”
Bullwinkle Arrested
Frostbite Falls, Minnesota . In an unusual
interpretation of the Law, beloved actor
Bullwinkle J. Moose was charged today with Statutory rape. The former two term mayor of neighboring
Mooselvania has been rumored to be depressed since the tragic death of his long
term companion, Rocket T. Squirrel.
Squirrel was mysteriously run over by a steamroller last month.
Moose, after having received an honorary Moosters Degree from Whasamatta U,
joined the Bull Moose Party soon afterward.
As a member of the party he was best known for his union busting activities. In 1967 after years of trying, he finally broke Local 12, the Villains,
Thieves and Scoundrels Union.
When reached for comment, Moose’s
long time nemeses, Boris Badanov, said “I
finally have Moose where I want him.
This is more than a mere Moosedemeanor.”
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
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