Took the LIRR today. Why do people think that it’s their personal bathroom?
Makes me want to sing. To the tune of “My favorite things,”
Girls flossing their teeth, and guys picking toeses,
Fingers that stick in their butts and their noses
Garbage is thrown, they must thing it has wings
These are a few of the Railroad’s things
Feet on the seat, in old smelly sandals
Beer cups and cans, and The Post with its scandals.
The nails that are clipped, hit your face as they fling.
These are a few of the Railroad’s things,
.
Don’t use the bathroom, unless you want rashes.
Prices so high, no money left of the check that you cashes.
The guy’s passing gas, it don’t smell like it’s spring
These are a few of the Railroad’s things.
When the car’s cold
And you feel it sting
Now you’re getting mad
remember you could ride the L.I.R.R.
So nothing else seems, that bad.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Miracle of Hanukkuh
THE MIRACLE OF HANUKKAH. For those of you who heard me tell this tale before, tough luck!! The Miracle of Hanukkah was five brothers, the Marxabes, had potatoes to last one night. Somehow, Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo Marxabe made enough Latkes to last eight nights, thereby causing the miracle of constipation.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Impeachment Hearings to Commence in the House of Representatives.
Impeachment hearings to Commence in the House of Representatives.
The New York Post December 20, 2011
Congress decides to hold hearings regarding the impeachment of President Obama!
As reported last week by Fox News Talk Show Host Sean Hannity, Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, announced today that he will ask for a special Prosecutor to be appointed to investigate the allegation that President Obama violate Federal Regulation D-64827, by pulling the tag off of a Mattress. Mr. Boehner alleged that the mattress was clearly labeled with the words "do not remove under penalty of law," in big black letters.
When asked why he chose such a minor offense to investigate, Mr. Boehner said, as tears rolled down his face "Its not the magnitude of the crime that’s important here, it’s the example that he setting for our children."
Mr. Hamity refused to name his sources, but it is believed that he found out about the incident from as a result of a “sleepover,” that the President’s children had with the children of the Representatives from Congress. It is believed that Michele Bachmann’s youngest child arrived home in tears because of the incident. Mrs. Bachmann immediately brought the incident to the attention of Speaker Boehner. Mrs. Bachmann said in a statement released to the press, that “this is further proof that he wasn’t born in the USA. All citizens of the United States know that yoi can’t pull a tag off of a mattress.”
Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter, Elizabeth said about the incident that, “this is further proof of the moral decay that this administration has brought upon this country.”
When asked for a comment former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, said that he has personal knowledge of both former President Bill Clinton and former Hillary Clinton pulling tags off of mattresses. He continues "I’ve even spoken to a reliable source who says that he knows first hand that while alone in the White House with Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton pulled tags off of many pillows." When reached for a comment, President Clinton said, "I never pulled the tag off of a Pillow!"
The New York Post December 20, 2011
Congress decides to hold hearings regarding the impeachment of President Obama!
As reported last week by Fox News Talk Show Host Sean Hannity, Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, announced today that he will ask for a special Prosecutor to be appointed to investigate the allegation that President Obama violate Federal Regulation D-64827, by pulling the tag off of a Mattress. Mr. Boehner alleged that the mattress was clearly labeled with the words "do not remove under penalty of law," in big black letters.
When asked why he chose such a minor offense to investigate, Mr. Boehner said, as tears rolled down his face "Its not the magnitude of the crime that’s important here, it’s the example that he setting for our children."
Mr. Hamity refused to name his sources, but it is believed that he found out about the incident from as a result of a “sleepover,” that the President’s children had with the children of the Representatives from Congress. It is believed that Michele Bachmann’s youngest child arrived home in tears because of the incident. Mrs. Bachmann immediately brought the incident to the attention of Speaker Boehner. Mrs. Bachmann said in a statement released to the press, that “this is further proof that he wasn’t born in the USA. All citizens of the United States know that yoi can’t pull a tag off of a mattress.”
Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter, Elizabeth said about the incident that, “this is further proof of the moral decay that this administration has brought upon this country.”
When asked for a comment former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, said that he has personal knowledge of both former President Bill Clinton and former Hillary Clinton pulling tags off of mattresses. He continues "I’ve even spoken to a reliable source who says that he knows first hand that while alone in the White House with Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton pulled tags off of many pillows." When reached for a comment, President Clinton said, "I never pulled the tag off of a Pillow!"
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A Republican candidate named Bachmann
had married herself a quack man
he thought that he could cure
all that he thought was impure
he should have looked in the next sack man.
From Georgia we have Newt
Who's own horn he'll often toot
he speaks of his morals
and give himself laurels
when with a stranger in his birthday suit.
Out of Boston comes Mitt
to figure him out would cause a fit
when he was Gov
health care he did love
and now he's full of shit
Now dear old Herman Cain
the woman cause him pain
Is it his fault that his zipper
can't control his big dipper?
They've caused him quite a strain.
Let us not forget the man from Texas
Who shows concern for the sexes
he'll eliminate departments
make sure men don't share apartments
if he'd only remember all that perplexes
had married herself a quack man
he thought that he could cure
all that he thought was impure
he should have looked in the next sack man.
From Georgia we have Newt
Who's own horn he'll often toot
he speaks of his morals
and give himself laurels
when with a stranger in his birthday suit.
Out of Boston comes Mitt
to figure him out would cause a fit
when he was Gov
health care he did love
and now he's full of shit
Now dear old Herman Cain
the woman cause him pain
Is it his fault that his zipper
can't control his big dipper?
They've caused him quite a strain.
Let us not forget the man from Texas
Who shows concern for the sexes
he'll eliminate departments
make sure men don't share apartments
if he'd only remember all that perplexes
Sunday, November 27, 2011
An American Family
At the front of the line
On this beautiful day,
Stood Elmer’s old spouse
With her needles Crochet
On her list were the gifts,
And she always came through
She bought TV and clothing
and a pet Kangaroo
She dressed to the nines
In Bikini and Shawl
The family sat home
all watching Football.
So when the Mall soon would open
She would
Shop!
Shop!
Shop!
Shop!
And she would keep doing it,
until she would drop.
And most of the gifts
would end up in a clump
and then poor Elmer would carry
the clump to the dump!
Doors open at four!
She wouldn’t forestall!
Doors open at four!
That’s when it would befall!
The Brawl at the Mall!
It was bound to happen
This shopper’s combat.
“We’re deeply in debt.”
Elmer said to his honey.
“Can’t you stay home
And save us some money?”
But she left with the promise
to return Christmas Day
So off she did go that day to the Mall.
“It’s only one month away.
There’s no time to stall.”
So she took the charge cards,
knowing that it was taboo
she could always charge more
It’s the world view.
So Elmer went back
to watching Football that day,
And his spouse left the house,
with no way to pay.
He knew he should stop her
take the credit cards away,
but he feared of her using
those needles Crochet.
Elmer turned his blind ear
and said “Where’s the Kraut.”
But she did disappear,
he would have to dine out.!
Elmer then noticed, “We’re all out of beer.
Out of Beer!” can have none of that.
“No beer, I fear.”
He said to the one he called brat.
“Now we have to go out
and have us some dinner.
Let’s go eat now,
let’s not wait for the winner.”
So Elmer and son dined on to classic Cuisine
A place called White Castle
Where no one was Lean.
Elmer placed his selection
“Ten burgers, three shakes and one coke.
That should help my complexion.”
Now his son finally spoke
“I’ll have the same. And a Cinnamon Bun!”
And a smile came over the face of the son.
Elmer was proud as a father could be!
“ You eat so well. Just like Grandpa and me.”
“What happened to Gramps?
Did he live to be old.
Please tell me dear Pop,
I’ve never been told.”
“One day after he had dined on his regular meal
Two street hot dogs one Chocolate shake.
And some Parmigiana Veal,
A thick juicy steak.
He would have for a start
All of this he would order,
being wheeled in his cart.”
“It was time for dessert
We ordered Ice Cream
Two gallons apiece.
A Culinary Dream.”
“When suddenly Grandpa made an ominous noise .
You know like the one that comes from your toys.”
“Grandpa exploded all over the place.
Grandpa exploded, all over my face.”
“So we finished our Ice Cream
After he did explode
And it wasn’t too bad
Grandpa Ala Mode.
On this beautiful day,
Stood Elmer’s old spouse
With her needles Crochet
On her list were the gifts,
And she always came through
She bought TV and clothing
and a pet Kangaroo
She dressed to the nines
In Bikini and Shawl
The family sat home
all watching Football.
So when the Mall soon would open
She would
Shop!
Shop!
Shop!
Shop!
And she would keep doing it,
until she would drop.
And most of the gifts
would end up in a clump
and then poor Elmer would carry
the clump to the dump!
Doors open at four!
She wouldn’t forestall!
Doors open at four!
That’s when it would befall!
The Brawl at the Mall!
It was bound to happen
This shopper’s combat.
“We’re deeply in debt.”
Elmer said to his honey.
“Can’t you stay home
And save us some money?”
But she left with the promise
to return Christmas Day
So off she did go that day to the Mall.
“It’s only one month away.
There’s no time to stall.”
So she took the charge cards,
knowing that it was taboo
she could always charge more
It’s the world view.
So Elmer went back
to watching Football that day,
And his spouse left the house,
with no way to pay.
He knew he should stop her
take the credit cards away,
but he feared of her using
those needles Crochet.
Elmer turned his blind ear
and said “Where’s the Kraut.”
But she did disappear,
he would have to dine out.!
Elmer then noticed, “We’re all out of beer.
Out of Beer!” can have none of that.
“No beer, I fear.”
He said to the one he called brat.
“Now we have to go out
and have us some dinner.
Let’s go eat now,
let’s not wait for the winner.”
So Elmer and son dined on to classic Cuisine
A place called White Castle
Where no one was Lean.
Elmer placed his selection
“Ten burgers, three shakes and one coke.
That should help my complexion.”
Now his son finally spoke
“I’ll have the same. And a Cinnamon Bun!”
And a smile came over the face of the son.
Elmer was proud as a father could be!
“ You eat so well. Just like Grandpa and me.”
“What happened to Gramps?
Did he live to be old.
Please tell me dear Pop,
I’ve never been told.”
“One day after he had dined on his regular meal
Two street hot dogs one Chocolate shake.
And some Parmigiana Veal,
A thick juicy steak.
He would have for a start
All of this he would order,
being wheeled in his cart.”
“It was time for dessert
We ordered Ice Cream
Two gallons apiece.
A Culinary Dream.”
“When suddenly Grandpa made an ominous noise .
You know like the one that comes from your toys.”
“Grandpa exploded all over the place.
Grandpa exploded, all over my face.”
“So we finished our Ice Cream
After he did explode
And it wasn’t too bad
Grandpa Ala Mode.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
The Protester's Things
People wonder what the protesters are protesting. Perhaps their new theme song will enlighten.
Draped over tights on half covered asses
Drivers too vain to wear their thick glasses
Brown piles of crap that you step in in spring
These are a few of the protester’s things!
Can’t afford Sony’s, want votes for their poodles
No dwelling so smelling and lice by the oodles
Pitches in the dirt, that all Mets will take swings
These are a few of the protester’s things!
The man in the corner who drools and who flashes
Business in the Park has caused us Ass rashes
The American Flag was made in Beijing
These are a few of the protester’s things!
When attacked by mites, when we’re eating strings
When I can’t get bail.
I simply remember
the protestors things
and then I just stay warm in Jail.
Draped over tights on half covered asses
Drivers too vain to wear their thick glasses
Brown piles of crap that you step in in spring
These are a few of the protester’s things!
Can’t afford Sony’s, want votes for their poodles
No dwelling so smelling and lice by the oodles
Pitches in the dirt, that all Mets will take swings
These are a few of the protester’s things!
The man in the corner who drools and who flashes
Business in the Park has caused us Ass rashes
The American Flag was made in Beijing
These are a few of the protester’s things!
When attacked by mites, when we’re eating strings
When I can’t get bail.
I simply remember
the protestors things
and then I just stay warm in Jail.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Hypocrisy
In the movie "Tombstone," Doc Holiday says, "my hypocrisy only goes so far." Well it seems that for most people, we don't know how far it goes.
We are all hypocrites. Life and politics dictate this. Jefferson wanted to abolish slavery, but once his efforts failed, did he release his slaves? No, he didn't even release them in his will. In World War II we fought the Germans, but gladly accepted their scientists, when it was beneficial to our space program.
The record keeping of the Nazis would have been impossible without the help of IBM. The Luftwaffe's efficiency was due in part to BMW. Yet immediately after WWII, when universal translators were needed for the Nuremberg trials, who did the allies turn to? IBM. How many of us drive BMW's or for that matter, Fords?
As a Democrat, I've looked with disdain at Republican sexual transgressions, but minimized those of Clinton and the Kennedys. Which brings to mind Ted Kennedy. How many of us would have or did vote for Ted Kennedy? In my only opportunity, the 1980 NY Primary, I did. But, let's face it, had he been someone else, he might have been in prison.
Me, and other Democrats, often speak about the Bush Pedigree, which had Nazi sympathizers. Well folks, so was Joe Kennedy.
Joe Paterno, was an iconic figure in sports. For Penn State to fire him, and not let him quit with dignity, must mean that his hypocrisy, crossed the line. I'm certain that we haven't heard the last of his involvement.
We are all hypocrites. Life and politics dictate this. Jefferson wanted to abolish slavery, but once his efforts failed, did he release his slaves? No, he didn't even release them in his will. In World War II we fought the Germans, but gladly accepted their scientists, when it was beneficial to our space program.
The record keeping of the Nazis would have been impossible without the help of IBM. The Luftwaffe's efficiency was due in part to BMW. Yet immediately after WWII, when universal translators were needed for the Nuremberg trials, who did the allies turn to? IBM. How many of us drive BMW's or for that matter, Fords?
As a Democrat, I've looked with disdain at Republican sexual transgressions, but minimized those of Clinton and the Kennedys. Which brings to mind Ted Kennedy. How many of us would have or did vote for Ted Kennedy? In my only opportunity, the 1980 NY Primary, I did. But, let's face it, had he been someone else, he might have been in prison.
Me, and other Democrats, often speak about the Bush Pedigree, which had Nazi sympathizers. Well folks, so was Joe Kennedy.
Joe Paterno, was an iconic figure in sports. For Penn State to fire him, and not let him quit with dignity, must mean that his hypocrisy, crossed the line. I'm certain that we haven't heard the last of his involvement.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Senator Crackerbarrel
Old Senator Crackerbarrel spoke to the nation.
“It’s time that we had massive deregulation.
I beg your indulgence so I can be heard
Too many laws are clearly absurd.
So today with my friend Senator Pill,
I present this new deregulation omnibus bill.
We must first repeal the law of attraction.
In my life, this has been a tremendous distraction.
If we eliminate this by simple subtraction,
we can eliminate unnecessary interreaction.
Number two to be gone is the law of gravity.
Liberals think this would cause an Earth Cavity
So we no longer may teach Isaac Newton’s theory,
of which I have grown very tired and weary,
Since, to our children Sir Isaac will no longer be taught
The law of Inertia is now all but for naught.
Without inertia and gravity a body in motion, can do whatever it please.
It can freeze,
It can sneeze,
It can stand in a breeze,
It can even jump up and up on a circus trapeze.
Lets not leave out our dear friends from Peta,
we’ll do as we please, with the Lion and Cheetah
So the Law of the Jungle goes out with the rest
So finally we can place, the MGM Lion under arrest.
For my next proposal I ask flexibility
It’s time to eliminate, The law of probability
Hear me out without any hostility.
For all consequences, I will probably take full responsibility.
Now we dispense with the Law of relativity
Albert expanded Sir Isaac’s creativity
Let us eliminate this Einstein activity
as we now approach the conclusion of this festivity.
Pass my proposal, start this deregulation
think of the wonders that would befall the great nation.
We’d float all about, without an Earthly attraction
At our own speed, no legal distraction
Animals would no long cause allergic reaction.
The world would soon be without dissatisfaction,
And our success would cause a worldwide chain reaction.”
So Senator Crackerbarrel finished his proposal.
Two men in white coats, were at his disposal.
“We love you bill about regulation,
but it’s time to give you a mild sedation.”
So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken away
So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken that day.
But what did become of the Senator’s bill?
It’s now law you see, it passed Capital Hill.
So the nation now lives with it’s feet in the air,
men no longer give pretty girls that gawking stare
Lions no longer rule that Jungle so distant
and items move by without any resistant.
I’d say this an improbable occurrence indeed.
But, I’d be arrested, All Senators agreed.
“It’s time that we had massive deregulation.
I beg your indulgence so I can be heard
Too many laws are clearly absurd.
So today with my friend Senator Pill,
I present this new deregulation omnibus bill.
We must first repeal the law of attraction.
In my life, this has been a tremendous distraction.
If we eliminate this by simple subtraction,
we can eliminate unnecessary interreaction.
Number two to be gone is the law of gravity.
Liberals think this would cause an Earth Cavity
So we no longer may teach Isaac Newton’s theory,
of which I have grown very tired and weary,
Since, to our children Sir Isaac will no longer be taught
The law of Inertia is now all but for naught.
Without inertia and gravity a body in motion, can do whatever it please.
It can freeze,
It can sneeze,
It can stand in a breeze,
It can even jump up and up on a circus trapeze.
Lets not leave out our dear friends from Peta,
we’ll do as we please, with the Lion and Cheetah
So the Law of the Jungle goes out with the rest
So finally we can place, the MGM Lion under arrest.
For my next proposal I ask flexibility
It’s time to eliminate, The law of probability
Hear me out without any hostility.
For all consequences, I will probably take full responsibility.
Now we dispense with the Law of relativity
Albert expanded Sir Isaac’s creativity
Let us eliminate this Einstein activity
as we now approach the conclusion of this festivity.
Pass my proposal, start this deregulation
think of the wonders that would befall the great nation.
We’d float all about, without an Earthly attraction
At our own speed, no legal distraction
Animals would no long cause allergic reaction.
The world would soon be without dissatisfaction,
And our success would cause a worldwide chain reaction.”
So Senator Crackerbarrel finished his proposal.
Two men in white coats, were at his disposal.
“We love you bill about regulation,
but it’s time to give you a mild sedation.”
So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken away
So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken that day.
But what did become of the Senator’s bill?
It’s now law you see, it passed Capital Hill.
So the nation now lives with it’s feet in the air,
men no longer give pretty girls that gawking stare
Lions no longer rule that Jungle so distant
and items move by without any resistant.
I’d say this an improbable occurrence indeed.
But, I’d be arrested, All Senators agreed.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Spam in a can
I am Poor
I am Poor
Poor I am
That Poor-I-am
That Poor-I-am!
I do not like
that Poor-I-am
Do you like Spam in a can?
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.
Would you like to get on Medicare?
It’s socialism I don’t dare.
I will rely upon the Lord’s Prayer.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.
I can’t afford it. Poor-I-am
Did the bank just take your house?
How will you then feed your old spouse?
Yes the bank did take my house.
And I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I do not like spam in a can
I can’t afford it Poor-I-am.
Why don’t you invest in stocks?
You can store them in a box.
I have got no cash for stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Would you? Could you? Buy a car?
Chauffeured! Chauffeured! Be a Star.
I would not ,could not, buy a car
You can work for me for free.
While I go on a shopping spree.
Work for free, what do you think of me.
I would not, could not work for free.
Nor buy a car! You let me be.
No money for stocks.
No need for a box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Champaign! Champaign!
Champaign! Champaign!
Could you, would you drink Champaign?
No Champaign! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! I am Poor! Let me be!
I would not, could not, buy some stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I no longer have a house
I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Say!
Sleep in the park?
You can Sleep in the park!
Would you, could you, Sleep in the park?
I have had to, Sleep in the park.
Where do you go in the rain?
I go nowhere this is my domain.
I Sleep in the park. Don’t drink Champaign,
Don’t have a car, Won’t work for free.
I can’t afford it, Poor, you see.
Don’t have a house. Can’t buy some stocks.
I lost my spouse. Don’t need a box.
I do not take Medicare. It’s Socialism I don’t dare.
You do not like spam in a can?
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Maybe you could buy a boat.
I would not, could not buy a boat!
It might help you keep afloat
I could not, would not, buy a boat.
How would that keep me afloat?
I sleep outside in the rain.
I cannot afford your Champaign.
I Sleep in the park! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! You let me be!
I can’t afford them buy some stocks.
I have nothing to put in my box.
The bank down there just took my house.
Then off and running was my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I can not afford spam in a can!
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
You can’t afford it
SO you say.
Try it! Try it! Anyway.
Try it and you may say.
Poor!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.
Say!
this is shit spam in a can!
I missed nothing for, Poor-I-am!
And I won’t eat it in a boat!
And I won’t feed it to a goat...
And I would pour it down the drain.
If I had my own domain.
Not in a car. Nor in a tree.
It tastes like crap or can’t you see!
So I will eat it buy some docks.
And I will feed it to a fox.
If only I still had a house.
I could feed it to my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I do so like spam in a can!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Poor-I-am
I am Poor
Poor I am
That Poor-I-am
That Poor-I-am!
I do not like
that Poor-I-am
Do you like Spam in a can?
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.
Would you like to get on Medicare?
It’s socialism I don’t dare.
I will rely upon the Lord’s Prayer.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.
I can’t afford it. Poor-I-am
Did the bank just take your house?
How will you then feed your old spouse?
Yes the bank did take my house.
And I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I do not like spam in a can
I can’t afford it Poor-I-am.
Why don’t you invest in stocks?
You can store them in a box.
I have got no cash for stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Would you? Could you? Buy a car?
Chauffeured! Chauffeured! Be a Star.
I would not ,could not, buy a car
You can work for me for free.
While I go on a shopping spree.
Work for free, what do you think of me.
I would not, could not work for free.
Nor buy a car! You let me be.
No money for stocks.
No need for a box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Champaign! Champaign!
Champaign! Champaign!
Could you, would you drink Champaign?
No Champaign! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! I am Poor! Let me be!
I would not, could not, buy some stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I no longer have a house
I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Say!
Sleep in the park?
You can Sleep in the park!
Would you, could you, Sleep in the park?
I have had to, Sleep in the park.
Where do you go in the rain?
I go nowhere this is my domain.
I Sleep in the park. Don’t drink Champaign,
Don’t have a car, Won’t work for free.
I can’t afford it, Poor, you see.
Don’t have a house. Can’t buy some stocks.
I lost my spouse. Don’t need a box.
I do not take Medicare. It’s Socialism I don’t dare.
You do not like spam in a can?
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
Maybe you could buy a boat.
I would not, could not buy a boat!
It might help you keep afloat
I could not, would not, buy a boat.
How would that keep me afloat?
I sleep outside in the rain.
I cannot afford your Champaign.
I Sleep in the park! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! You let me be!
I can’t afford them buy some stocks.
I have nothing to put in my box.
The bank down there just took my house.
Then off and running was my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I can not afford spam in a can!
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
You can’t afford it
SO you say.
Try it! Try it! Anyway.
Try it and you may say.
Poor!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.
Say!
this is shit spam in a can!
I missed nothing for, Poor-I-am!
And I won’t eat it in a boat!
And I won’t feed it to a goat...
And I would pour it down the drain.
If I had my own domain.
Not in a car. Nor in a tree.
It tastes like crap or can’t you see!
So I will eat it buy some docks.
And I will feed it to a fox.
If only I still had a house.
I could feed it to my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I do so like spam in a can!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Poor-I-am
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Mighty Curmudgeon
Sit back Children and listen to this tale
About an unusual super hero
And his unusual travail
The Government denies his existence
But I found the proof
with the greatest resistence.
This is no spoof
Somewhere buried underground, deep in a Dungeon
there is true validation of the Mighty Curmudgeon .
Now Superman can fly, and Spiderman can climb.
But the Curmudgeon just feels that that’s a waste of his time.
“Why should I fly,
when on TWA
The Fountainebleau is just
two hours away.”
“ You want, I should climb a wall
what if I fall.
My Jaw I would break,
Oy I’d have such an ache.”
“It’s true, I have powers, beyond mortal men,
but if you want an old man to fly, please call up John Glenn.”
From the moment he woke,
when he took his first stretch
The Curmudgeon would
Kvetch and Kvetch and Kvetch
He could out-Kvetch them all,
“Get out of the Tub,
the Tub is too small
and the whitefish won’t fit
in our shower stall.”
“Stay off of my lawn.”
He would yell at the boys.
“Stop reading that book,
it makes too much noise.”
So why does a nation
all troubled with debt
find this curmudgeon
to be such a threat?
He wrote letters to Nixon about liberation.
Complained to Ford about runaway inflation.
Carter he nagged of the Nation’s frustration.
Reagan he hated his administration.
He complained of George I’s procreation
For it created George II’s complete obfuscation.
To Clinton he suggested he get a castration
So President Obama, without adjudication
made the following secret proclamation.
“We must capture this creature
hide him deep underground.
A place that will feature,
not even a sound
We must avoid protestation
when we capture this Kvetch.
For the sake of the nation,
I’ve drawn you a sketch.”
So they captured this Octogenarian
Charged him with being a bitter contrarian
Now somewhere in the bowels of the Capital City
Is a man, who has garnered, so little pity
There underground, alone in a dungeon.
Still Kvetching away, is the mighty Curmudgeon!
About an unusual super hero
And his unusual travail
The Government denies his existence
But I found the proof
with the greatest resistence.
This is no spoof
Somewhere buried underground, deep in a Dungeon
there is true validation of the Mighty Curmudgeon .
Now Superman can fly, and Spiderman can climb.
But the Curmudgeon just feels that that’s a waste of his time.
“Why should I fly,
when on TWA
The Fountainebleau is just
two hours away.”
“ You want, I should climb a wall
what if I fall.
My Jaw I would break,
Oy I’d have such an ache.”
“It’s true, I have powers, beyond mortal men,
but if you want an old man to fly, please call up John Glenn.”
From the moment he woke,
when he took his first stretch
The Curmudgeon would
Kvetch and Kvetch and Kvetch
He could out-Kvetch them all,
“Get out of the Tub,
the Tub is too small
and the whitefish won’t fit
in our shower stall.”
“Stay off of my lawn.”
He would yell at the boys.
“Stop reading that book,
it makes too much noise.”
So why does a nation
all troubled with debt
find this curmudgeon
to be such a threat?
He wrote letters to Nixon about liberation.
Complained to Ford about runaway inflation.
Carter he nagged of the Nation’s frustration.
Reagan he hated his administration.
He complained of George I’s procreation
For it created George II’s complete obfuscation.
To Clinton he suggested he get a castration
So President Obama, without adjudication
made the following secret proclamation.
“We must capture this creature
hide him deep underground.
A place that will feature,
not even a sound
We must avoid protestation
when we capture this Kvetch.
For the sake of the nation,
I’ve drawn you a sketch.”
So they captured this Octogenarian
Charged him with being a bitter contrarian
Now somewhere in the bowels of the Capital City
Is a man, who has garnered, so little pity
There underground, alone in a dungeon.
Still Kvetching away, is the mighty Curmudgeon!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
That's the Libertarian Chicken. The Republican Chicken will only allow you to cross the road if the Democrat Chicken wants to prohibit crossing said road. The Democrat chicken can't decide what road to cross, so he eventually compromises, goes along with the Republican Chicken, forcing the Republican Chicken to state that it is too costly to cross this road.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Chosen People Chapter Four. The Often Called him Speedo
It wasn’t easy being God, but it didn’t suck either. It was a lot of hard work, but there were perks. For instance, he alone could get Malomars in the Summer.
So why did he sell? He wanted to wrote his memoirs. He was concerned that with the burden of being God, his Part 3 would be no better than the Godfather Part 3. Furthermore, the offer was too good.
He was concerned, however, about the membership of the corporate conglomerate that was dealing with. Obviously the membership all had to be dead.
The numbers were astronomical. God believed in regulations. He would never allow sub-prime mortgages in heaven, therefore there were no short-sales and no mortgage modifications. Real Estate in Heaven was at an all time high. The money was to be deposited in an off shore account in the Cayman Islands.
But God still didn’t know who he was dealing with. What did it matter? The Matrix for life on Earth was so good that it had survived floods, hurricanes, the 1994 Baseball strike and George W. Bush. He would take the deal.
After the closing his first activity was a Club Med vacation. He asked some of the Angels to pack for him. They packed a Speedo thong. He wasn’t sure that he would ever get a chance to wear the suit, since he never intended for people to be clothed anyway.
The first day at dinner he sat with a German couple and some girls from Jersey. He knew before asking that they were from Jersey because of the accents, the abundance of eye shadow and the fact that they were discussing exit numbers.
Eventually the topic of the nude beach came up. The girls giggled. They said that they'd go topless, but not nude. God blushed with the image and swore that he'd look for them the next day. After all, he did know what he was looking for, since he was God he had seen them in their natural state many times. And it was good.
Ronnie went back to his room and started to unpack. He suddenly realized that there were items in the bag that he hadn't asked the angels to put there. The Angel of the Jewish Mothers was at it again. She fed him, looked after him. He swore that he'd move out by his next birthday, his six thousandth. He accepted the fact that she had packed a heavy sweater for him. This is often needed near the Equator. But did she have to pack the prunes?
The next day he got up early and went to the beach. He figured that since he really didn't know anybody yet, then this was the ideal day to go to the nude beach. He put on his Speedo, loaded himself with sun tan lotion, but forgot that there were going to be parts of his body that had never seen the sun before.
He thought that he looked great in the thong. In reality had Neal Armstrong seen that moon he would have planted the American flag and stated that this was "one small step for a man a disgusting sight for mankind!"
He staked out his spot, gradually got up the nerve to take off his Speedo.
When a couple of beautiful naked ladies were walking his way. They said something, in French to him. His French was a little rusty. He turned to the woman on the next blanket, "Do you speak French?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you know what they said?"
"Oui, they said that it looks like a Penis, only smaller."
So why did he sell? He wanted to wrote his memoirs. He was concerned that with the burden of being God, his Part 3 would be no better than the Godfather Part 3. Furthermore, the offer was too good.
He was concerned, however, about the membership of the corporate conglomerate that was dealing with. Obviously the membership all had to be dead.
The numbers were astronomical. God believed in regulations. He would never allow sub-prime mortgages in heaven, therefore there were no short-sales and no mortgage modifications. Real Estate in Heaven was at an all time high. The money was to be deposited in an off shore account in the Cayman Islands.
But God still didn’t know who he was dealing with. What did it matter? The Matrix for life on Earth was so good that it had survived floods, hurricanes, the 1994 Baseball strike and George W. Bush. He would take the deal.
After the closing his first activity was a Club Med vacation. He asked some of the Angels to pack for him. They packed a Speedo thong. He wasn’t sure that he would ever get a chance to wear the suit, since he never intended for people to be clothed anyway.
The first day at dinner he sat with a German couple and some girls from Jersey. He knew before asking that they were from Jersey because of the accents, the abundance of eye shadow and the fact that they were discussing exit numbers.
Eventually the topic of the nude beach came up. The girls giggled. They said that they'd go topless, but not nude. God blushed with the image and swore that he'd look for them the next day. After all, he did know what he was looking for, since he was God he had seen them in their natural state many times. And it was good.
Ronnie went back to his room and started to unpack. He suddenly realized that there were items in the bag that he hadn't asked the angels to put there. The Angel of the Jewish Mothers was at it again. She fed him, looked after him. He swore that he'd move out by his next birthday, his six thousandth. He accepted the fact that she had packed a heavy sweater for him. This is often needed near the Equator. But did she have to pack the prunes?
The next day he got up early and went to the beach. He figured that since he really didn't know anybody yet, then this was the ideal day to go to the nude beach. He put on his Speedo, loaded himself with sun tan lotion, but forgot that there were going to be parts of his body that had never seen the sun before.
He thought that he looked great in the thong. In reality had Neal Armstrong seen that moon he would have planted the American flag and stated that this was "one small step for a man a disgusting sight for mankind!"
He staked out his spot, gradually got up the nerve to take off his Speedo.
When a couple of beautiful naked ladies were walking his way. They said something, in French to him. His French was a little rusty. He turned to the woman on the next blanket, "Do you speak French?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you know what they said?"
"Oui, they said that it looks like a Penis, only smaller."
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Chosen People Chapter Three, Ginsburg retires
Chapter III- Ginsburg retires
In 2013, Ruth Bader Ginsburg felt that she could no longer serve the country as a Justice of the Supreme Court. President Bachmann nominated former Texas Governor, Rick Perry to replace her.
The Senate now consists of three parties and two independents. There are 37 Democrats, 2 independent, Barry Samuels of Vermont, and Olympia Snowe of Maine who caucus with the Democrats. Snowe resigned the Republican Party, upon passage of the “Super Colossal Patriot Act.”
There are 43 Republicans, and 18 Christianicans. The vote for Perry went as expected 61-39.
Alaska Christianican Senator, Sarah Palin, stood and accused the Democrats of divisive behavior. She promised to immediately commence hearings in her “America first committee,” about the treasonous, and stated, “that from my window, I can see Senator Schumer, visiting the Russians.”
Senator Schumer was unavailable for comment, but his staff indicated that he would comment at his weekly Sunday evening Press conference.
With Justice Ginsburg’s retirement, the extreme Right had a solid majority on the court. When the issues of School Prayer and Abortion came up, long standing case law was overturned.
In the abortion decision, a 14 year old girl was denied access to a Nome, Alaska Planned Parenthood, and her mother arrested for child endangerment, when an angry group of Anti Abortion advocates, blocked the doors to the Alaskan facility. The group relied upon an Alaskan statute that said that, “people can use whatever means necessary to protect the safety of the unborn.”
The court in a 5-4 decision, Justice Perry writing the decision upheld the Alaskan Statute. The mother continues to serve 25 years to life. Justice Perry stated, ‘it has long been American tradition to value the sanctity of life, up to and including the date of birth.” Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas and Alito concurring,
Justice Thomas wrote a short concurring opinion, “There’s no place like Nome!”
Thus commenced the mass exodus of American Liberal to Canada.
Canada's New Immigration Problem
From the MANITOBA HERALD, Manitoba, Canada
January 10, 2014
“With a effect being felt of the Right Wing takeover of the United StatesGovernment, a flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The Bachmann Presidency, has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night." I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?' “
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences, but the liberals dug under them. So he tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,"he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. 'They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Republican Majority establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. So much job training is needed it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service. At least they don't break equipment.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. “If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age.” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that these illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “
In 2013, Ruth Bader Ginsburg felt that she could no longer serve the country as a Justice of the Supreme Court. President Bachmann nominated former Texas Governor, Rick Perry to replace her.
The Senate now consists of three parties and two independents. There are 37 Democrats, 2 independent, Barry Samuels of Vermont, and Olympia Snowe of Maine who caucus with the Democrats. Snowe resigned the Republican Party, upon passage of the “Super Colossal Patriot Act.”
There are 43 Republicans, and 18 Christianicans. The vote for Perry went as expected 61-39.
Alaska Christianican Senator, Sarah Palin, stood and accused the Democrats of divisive behavior. She promised to immediately commence hearings in her “America first committee,” about the treasonous, and stated, “that from my window, I can see Senator Schumer, visiting the Russians.”
Senator Schumer was unavailable for comment, but his staff indicated that he would comment at his weekly Sunday evening Press conference.
With Justice Ginsburg’s retirement, the extreme Right had a solid majority on the court. When the issues of School Prayer and Abortion came up, long standing case law was overturned.
In the abortion decision, a 14 year old girl was denied access to a Nome, Alaska Planned Parenthood, and her mother arrested for child endangerment, when an angry group of Anti Abortion advocates, blocked the doors to the Alaskan facility. The group relied upon an Alaskan statute that said that, “people can use whatever means necessary to protect the safety of the unborn.”
The court in a 5-4 decision, Justice Perry writing the decision upheld the Alaskan Statute. The mother continues to serve 25 years to life. Justice Perry stated, ‘it has long been American tradition to value the sanctity of life, up to and including the date of birth.” Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas and Alito concurring,
Justice Thomas wrote a short concurring opinion, “There’s no place like Nome!”
Thus commenced the mass exodus of American Liberal to Canada.
Canada's New Immigration Problem
From the MANITOBA HERALD, Manitoba, Canada
January 10, 2014
“With a effect being felt of the Right Wing takeover of the United StatesGovernment, a flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The Bachmann Presidency, has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night." I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?' “
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences, but the liberals dug under them. So he tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,"he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. 'They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Republican Majority establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. So much job training is needed it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service. At least they don't break equipment.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. “If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age.” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that these illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “
The Chosen People Chapter Two, God's Will
CHAPTER II- God’s Will
The Jewish vote typically turns out in very large percentages. But 2012 was “the perfect storm.”
Jews had typically voted Democratic, but President Obama’s support of Israel was tepid at best. Romney, whose opinions often depended on the make up of his audience gave a pro Israel speech at Yeshiva University on October 30, 2014.
There had also been two, very amateurish, explosive devices discovered in voting booths in Williamsburgh, Brooklyn and Palm Springs, Florida. The devices were defused and there were no injuries, There weren’t meant to be.
The bombs were placed there by a militant Michigan militia, who gave strong financial support to Michelle Bachmann. The sole intention of the devices was that they be found, prior to the commencement of voting so the voters of Jewish districts would be scared away. It worked.
New York City had its lowest percentage turnout in history. That combined with upstate typically being more conservative gave New York to Romney with 42% of the vote.
In Florida Obama only got 22 %, Romney 50% and Bachmann 28%.
The results started pouring in from ‘middle America,” Bachmann was carrying many states, It was apparent that nobody would get the required 270 Electoral votes.
In her speech that night, Bachmann vowed to “fight on,” and that she would occupy the White House in January. “The result’s were God’s Will.”
Harvey was getting concerned. The day after election day, a very mysterious, but thoroughly likeable man with a Yiddish accent walked into Harvey’s Law office in Syosset, New York, looking to write a will.
God had heard enough. All he ever heard was “God’s will.” He decided that it was finally time that he actually wrote a will.
How would he go about such a venture? There was a lot that he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t really a citizen of any one country. Where would he go? He first thought about Israel. Then he realized all the controversy that this would cause. He remembered that he had once said that “The Jews were the chosen people.” He thought that it was time that he stopped choosing them.
He had just come into a lot of money. He sold his business and residence to a large conglomerate. He wanted to know how to protect his assets.
Although Harvey knew that he didn’t have testamentary capacity, there was something charming about this little man, claiming to be God. The man was clearly intelligent,
Harvey decided to do a normal client interview.
“ I first like to draw a family tree. Do you have any children?” Harvey asked with great excitement about the pending answer.
“I have one son.”
“Would you like him to be the executor.”
“Why, he never calls. He never writes.”
“Let’s skip over that for the time being, What are your assets?”
“ I have an ark, two tablets a grail, and a couple of billion from the sale of heaven and earth, safely deposited in the Cayman Islands.”
“Do you work? “
“A long time ago. It only lasted six days.”
“Let’s get back to this executor. Is there anyone else that you would consider.”
“ Yes, my sister. The boy’s aunt. We call he Auntie Christ.”
The Jewish vote typically turns out in very large percentages. But 2012 was “the perfect storm.”
Jews had typically voted Democratic, but President Obama’s support of Israel was tepid at best. Romney, whose opinions often depended on the make up of his audience gave a pro Israel speech at Yeshiva University on October 30, 2014.
There had also been two, very amateurish, explosive devices discovered in voting booths in Williamsburgh, Brooklyn and Palm Springs, Florida. The devices were defused and there were no injuries, There weren’t meant to be.
The bombs were placed there by a militant Michigan militia, who gave strong financial support to Michelle Bachmann. The sole intention of the devices was that they be found, prior to the commencement of voting so the voters of Jewish districts would be scared away. It worked.
New York City had its lowest percentage turnout in history. That combined with upstate typically being more conservative gave New York to Romney with 42% of the vote.
In Florida Obama only got 22 %, Romney 50% and Bachmann 28%.
The results started pouring in from ‘middle America,” Bachmann was carrying many states, It was apparent that nobody would get the required 270 Electoral votes.
In her speech that night, Bachmann vowed to “fight on,” and that she would occupy the White House in January. “The result’s were God’s Will.”
Harvey was getting concerned. The day after election day, a very mysterious, but thoroughly likeable man with a Yiddish accent walked into Harvey’s Law office in Syosset, New York, looking to write a will.
God had heard enough. All he ever heard was “God’s will.” He decided that it was finally time that he actually wrote a will.
How would he go about such a venture? There was a lot that he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t really a citizen of any one country. Where would he go? He first thought about Israel. Then he realized all the controversy that this would cause. He remembered that he had once said that “The Jews were the chosen people.” He thought that it was time that he stopped choosing them.
He had just come into a lot of money. He sold his business and residence to a large conglomerate. He wanted to know how to protect his assets.
Although Harvey knew that he didn’t have testamentary capacity, there was something charming about this little man, claiming to be God. The man was clearly intelligent,
Harvey decided to do a normal client interview.
“ I first like to draw a family tree. Do you have any children?” Harvey asked with great excitement about the pending answer.
“I have one son.”
“Would you like him to be the executor.”
“Why, he never calls. He never writes.”
“Let’s skip over that for the time being, What are your assets?”
“ I have an ark, two tablets a grail, and a couple of billion from the sale of heaven and earth, safely deposited in the Cayman Islands.”
“Do you work? “
“A long time ago. It only lasted six days.”
“Let’s get back to this executor. Is there anyone else that you would consider.”
“ Yes, my sister. The boy’s aunt. We call he Auntie Christ.”
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The Chosen People Chapter One, How it came to pass
"For ye, brethren, became followers of the churches of God which in Judea are in Christ Jesus: for ye also have suffered like things of your own countrymen, even as they have of the Jews:
Who both killed the Lord Jesus, and their own prophets, and have persecuted us; and they please not God, and are contrary to all men:"
(THESSALONIANS 2:14-15,)
“Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Thus we shall always be with the Lord.”
(THESSALONIANS 4:17)
"And it shall come to pass, that in all the land, saith Jehovah, two parts therein shall be cut off and die; but the third shall be left therein. And I will bring the third part into the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried" (Zechariah 13:8, 9).
These writings and their interpretations had haunted Harvey Shapiro. Was it true? Was there to be a Rapture? Religion to Harvey had never been more than punch line, and this was the funniest joke of all. Then why was he haunted by it? Simply because it was one more thing that the stupid and narrow minded used as an excuse to hate the Jews.
Now it was worse than ever. Business leaders, Athletes, Politicians all had been quoted making statements, that in an earlier day, would have been considered Anti-Semitic. He was used to the hate spewing from the talk radio crowd, but now it’s coming from the White House. The President, in a speech on religion, before a joint session of Congress, called upon Jewish Leaders, “to seek Gods forgiveness, for killing his only son.”
Harvey was astounded when every Republican and a handful of Democrats stood and applauded.
This was a shocking, but not completely unforeseen consequence of the Christianicans gaining a plurality in Congress. There was some hope, that the emergence of the Christianicans would force the Republicans’ hands to sit and negotiate with the Democrats, but the exact opposite happened. The Republicans embraced the Christianicans.
This so called, “revolution,” oddly enough started in Harvey’s own district. Forest Hills, New York, had been a bastion for Liberals, all of his life. Geraldine Ferraro was from Forest Hills. So were Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. This district had been represented by a Democrat for nearly 90 years. That all changed in 2011. Anthony Weiner resigned.
Congressman Weiner, a leading Liberal Democrat, who had hopes of someday being elected Mayor of New York City, for some inexplicable reason felt it necessary to text pictures of his penis to women across the country. Weiner resigned, and in a special election, in September, 2011, Bob Turner a conservative Republican was elected to replace him.
Due to redistricting, Turner lasted less than a full term, but the dye had been cast. The Tea Party and the Religious Right saw this has their opportunity to step in and create a third major party, The Christianicans.
The party was founded in 2012, when the Republicans nominated Mitt Romney for President. Leading Republicans, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry broke from the party to form The Christianicans. At the convention, Bachmann was nominated as the Christianican nominee for President. She immediately chose broadcaster, Sean Hannity as her running mate.
They sat with their advisors, Ann Coulter, the aforementioned Rick Perry and Rick Santorum. Among the positions taken by the platform were: 1) Redouble our effort in Iraq and Afghanistan. 2) Establish a committee in Congress to investigate Socialist influence in Government, 3) Declare and outlaw Socialist organizations, such as The American Civil Liberties Union, 4) Nominate religious leaders to the Supreme Court, 5) Fund the New Planned Parenthood, an organization that will establish religious training for all of the youth of America. This religious training will include, a twelve step program for all gays and non-Christians.
As late as October, 2012, MSNBC commentator, Chris Matthews said that The Christianicans, “...don’t stand a chance of winning. This will be the political end of Bachmann. This is the best thing that could happen to the Democrats and maybe even to the Republicans.
The Democrats were going to win this election anyway. Now with the Christianicans syphoning votes from the Republicans, it will be a landslide. The Republicans will get the ‘nut cases’ out of the party, and we can return to serious governing.”
But in November, 2012, something happened. The Democrats in New York, California and Florida stayed home. The Republicans won all three states. They also won Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Virginia, North Carolina, Nebraska, Kansas, Alaska, Kentucky, Arkansas, Tennessee and West Virginia, giving them 200 electoral votes.
The Christianicans, through their grass roots efforts carried New Hampshire, Indiana, Michigan, Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, giving them 160 Electoral Votes.
The Democrats only had 178 electoral votes.
The Election for President went to the House of Representatives, where Michelle Bachmann won. The constitution calls for the Election of the Vice President by the Senate, there the Republicans staged a filibuster. The Democrats agreed to a compromise Vice President, and Romney was chosen.
Ultra Right Wing Religion swept the country. Ball players were cheered every time they would thank god, for letting them win, or crossed themselves, when they got up to bat. In 2013, a young Jewish Ballplayer for the Mets was injured by the fans.. Morty Abramowitz, who grew up in nearby Great Neck, protesting the influx of religion in sports had the day before, lay his bat on the plate, and while using both hands drew a Star of David across his chest. The next game, on the first day of Passover, he was pelted by Matzoh Balls from the angry crowd. This was a suggestion of Presidential Press Secretary, Rush Limbaugh.
Who both killed the Lord Jesus, and their own prophets, and have persecuted us; and they please not God, and are contrary to all men:"
(THESSALONIANS 2:14-15,)
“Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Thus we shall always be with the Lord.”
(THESSALONIANS 4:17)
"And it shall come to pass, that in all the land, saith Jehovah, two parts therein shall be cut off and die; but the third shall be left therein. And I will bring the third part into the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried" (Zechariah 13:8, 9).
These writings and their interpretations had haunted Harvey Shapiro. Was it true? Was there to be a Rapture? Religion to Harvey had never been more than punch line, and this was the funniest joke of all. Then why was he haunted by it? Simply because it was one more thing that the stupid and narrow minded used as an excuse to hate the Jews.
Now it was worse than ever. Business leaders, Athletes, Politicians all had been quoted making statements, that in an earlier day, would have been considered Anti-Semitic. He was used to the hate spewing from the talk radio crowd, but now it’s coming from the White House. The President, in a speech on religion, before a joint session of Congress, called upon Jewish Leaders, “to seek Gods forgiveness, for killing his only son.”
Harvey was astounded when every Republican and a handful of Democrats stood and applauded.
This was a shocking, but not completely unforeseen consequence of the Christianicans gaining a plurality in Congress. There was some hope, that the emergence of the Christianicans would force the Republicans’ hands to sit and negotiate with the Democrats, but the exact opposite happened. The Republicans embraced the Christianicans.
This so called, “revolution,” oddly enough started in Harvey’s own district. Forest Hills, New York, had been a bastion for Liberals, all of his life. Geraldine Ferraro was from Forest Hills. So were Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. This district had been represented by a Democrat for nearly 90 years. That all changed in 2011. Anthony Weiner resigned.
Congressman Weiner, a leading Liberal Democrat, who had hopes of someday being elected Mayor of New York City, for some inexplicable reason felt it necessary to text pictures of his penis to women across the country. Weiner resigned, and in a special election, in September, 2011, Bob Turner a conservative Republican was elected to replace him.
Due to redistricting, Turner lasted less than a full term, but the dye had been cast. The Tea Party and the Religious Right saw this has their opportunity to step in and create a third major party, The Christianicans.
The party was founded in 2012, when the Republicans nominated Mitt Romney for President. Leading Republicans, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry broke from the party to form The Christianicans. At the convention, Bachmann was nominated as the Christianican nominee for President. She immediately chose broadcaster, Sean Hannity as her running mate.
They sat with their advisors, Ann Coulter, the aforementioned Rick Perry and Rick Santorum. Among the positions taken by the platform were: 1) Redouble our effort in Iraq and Afghanistan. 2) Establish a committee in Congress to investigate Socialist influence in Government, 3) Declare and outlaw Socialist organizations, such as The American Civil Liberties Union, 4) Nominate religious leaders to the Supreme Court, 5) Fund the New Planned Parenthood, an organization that will establish religious training for all of the youth of America. This religious training will include, a twelve step program for all gays and non-Christians.
As late as October, 2012, MSNBC commentator, Chris Matthews said that The Christianicans, “...don’t stand a chance of winning. This will be the political end of Bachmann. This is the best thing that could happen to the Democrats and maybe even to the Republicans.
The Democrats were going to win this election anyway. Now with the Christianicans syphoning votes from the Republicans, it will be a landslide. The Republicans will get the ‘nut cases’ out of the party, and we can return to serious governing.”
But in November, 2012, something happened. The Democrats in New York, California and Florida stayed home. The Republicans won all three states. They also won Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Virginia, North Carolina, Nebraska, Kansas, Alaska, Kentucky, Arkansas, Tennessee and West Virginia, giving them 200 electoral votes.
The Christianicans, through their grass roots efforts carried New Hampshire, Indiana, Michigan, Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, giving them 160 Electoral Votes.
The Democrats only had 178 electoral votes.
The Election for President went to the House of Representatives, where Michelle Bachmann won. The constitution calls for the Election of the Vice President by the Senate, there the Republicans staged a filibuster. The Democrats agreed to a compromise Vice President, and Romney was chosen.
Ultra Right Wing Religion swept the country. Ball players were cheered every time they would thank god, for letting them win, or crossed themselves, when they got up to bat. In 2013, a young Jewish Ballplayer for the Mets was injured by the fans.. Morty Abramowitz, who grew up in nearby Great Neck, protesting the influx of religion in sports had the day before, lay his bat on the plate, and while using both hands drew a Star of David across his chest. The next game, on the first day of Passover, he was pelted by Matzoh Balls from the angry crowd. This was a suggestion of Presidential Press Secretary, Rush Limbaugh.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Desire, Faith, Hope, Charity and Joy
Mrs. O’Malley was excited, her oldest son, Sean, was returning home for the first time, since leaving for college in the east, some three months ago.
She was justifiably proud of Sean, for his letters seemed to indicate that he found the religion, that he had rejected at home.
His first letter spoke about his conquest of Desire. This was wonderful, because to Mrs. O’Malley, desire was a sin.
His next letter he spoke about his new found Faith. To Mrs. O’Malley, this was Heaven sent. For to her and the late Mr. O’Malley, faith kept them going.
Then he wrote about having Hope. She thought to herself, “If only Mr. O’Malley could see Sean now. He might turn out to be a Priest after all.”
Next he spoke of that he gave his all to Charity. "What a fine young man we have raised, thought, Mrs. O'Malley.
Finally, his latest letter brought to Mrs. O’Malley happiness, which she had never known. Having gotten down on Desire, conquered Faith, uncovered Hope, which laid the groundwork for his mastery of Joy.
She heard his car. As he walked through the door she said to him, “I applaud you. I always knew that forgetting Desire, would bring you Faith, Hope, Charity and Joy.”
Sean looked quizzically at his mother and responded, “Well, none of them applauded me, but one of them did give me the Clap.”
She was justifiably proud of Sean, for his letters seemed to indicate that he found the religion, that he had rejected at home.
His first letter spoke about his conquest of Desire. This was wonderful, because to Mrs. O’Malley, desire was a sin.
His next letter he spoke about his new found Faith. To Mrs. O’Malley, this was Heaven sent. For to her and the late Mr. O’Malley, faith kept them going.
Then he wrote about having Hope. She thought to herself, “If only Mr. O’Malley could see Sean now. He might turn out to be a Priest after all.”
Next he spoke of that he gave his all to Charity. "What a fine young man we have raised, thought, Mrs. O'Malley.
Finally, his latest letter brought to Mrs. O’Malley happiness, which she had never known. Having gotten down on Desire, conquered Faith, uncovered Hope, which laid the groundwork for his mastery of Joy.
She heard his car. As he walked through the door she said to him, “I applaud you. I always knew that forgetting Desire, would bring you Faith, Hope, Charity and Joy.”
Sean looked quizzically at his mother and responded, “Well, none of them applauded me, but one of them did give me the Clap.”
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The Republican Debate
Last night's Republican debate was unique in the sense that all candidates had to answer as if Dr. Seuss had scripted it. Here are a few of the highlights.
Perry: “ My name is Rick, Rick-I-Am.
And I can get work for Uncle Sam.
We’ve put One Million Texans back to work
Our responsibility, we did not shirk
So come to Texas for the enjoyment
And like the Million, get a job in the office of unemployment.”
Romney: “ In Mass. We were the first State
To have a Health care Mandate.
When I was Gov. of that Liberal land
I thought that the plan was mighty grand
Now that I’m off to higher stakes,
I say to the uninsured ‘dems the breaks!’”
Santorum: “ Stop teaching this Evolutionary bunk
I tell you that it is all junk.
It’s time to teach our children creation.
Man did not start as a crustacean.
Please folks hold your ovation
For next I will present my plan for curing temptation.”
Bachmann: “May I quote Lincoln speaking to Christ
‘don’t vote for the Socialist, our freedoms he’ll heist.’
And of course sweet Jesus, and Abe then did pray
‘I’m voting for Bachman, she’ll cure the gays.’
So vote for me, it’s a vote for our savior.
The first law that I’ll pass, will control your behavior.”
Paul: “All that you’ve heard will cost money to spend.
If you elect me, I’ll soon change that trend.
No more money for safety, air controllers or schools
The market place will take replace all unnecessary rules.
For pilots will learn not to crash into each other.
What you will learn, you will learn from your mother.”
Perry: “ My name is Rick, Rick-I-Am.
And I can get work for Uncle Sam.
We’ve put One Million Texans back to work
Our responsibility, we did not shirk
So come to Texas for the enjoyment
And like the Million, get a job in the office of unemployment.”
Romney: “ In Mass. We were the first State
To have a Health care Mandate.
When I was Gov. of that Liberal land
I thought that the plan was mighty grand
Now that I’m off to higher stakes,
I say to the uninsured ‘dems the breaks!’”
Santorum: “ Stop teaching this Evolutionary bunk
I tell you that it is all junk.
It’s time to teach our children creation.
Man did not start as a crustacean.
Please folks hold your ovation
For next I will present my plan for curing temptation.”
Bachmann: “May I quote Lincoln speaking to Christ
‘don’t vote for the Socialist, our freedoms he’ll heist.’
And of course sweet Jesus, and Abe then did pray
‘I’m voting for Bachman, she’ll cure the gays.’
So vote for me, it’s a vote for our savior.
The first law that I’ll pass, will control your behavior.”
Paul: “All that you’ve heard will cost money to spend.
If you elect me, I’ll soon change that trend.
No more money for safety, air controllers or schools
The market place will take replace all unnecessary rules.
For pilots will learn not to crash into each other.
What you will learn, you will learn from your mother.”
Monday, September 5, 2011
Wouldn't it be Bribery
I've always felt that lobbying is tantamount to legalized bribery. But the lobbyists have decided to give back. In the form of a musical. Here is "Wouldn't it be bribery."
All I want is a rep. somewhere,
Wouldn’t hurt if it was a committee chair.
With one enormous pair,
Aow, all we need is bribery
Lots of minorities for me to cheat
we had a surplus that we did deplete.
Tax base, gay bans, Wall Street,
Aow, all we need is bribery
Aow, now we shall kill the health bill
Thank’s to the high court’s Right wing
we control Capital Hill.
Somewhere there is a detainee,
He’s as innocent as 'e can be.
but he disagreed with Dick Cheney,
Aow, all we need is bribery
Bribery, Bribery, Bribery, Bribery
All I want is a rep. somewhere,
Wouldn’t hurt if it was a committee chair.
With one enormous pair,
Aow, all we need is bribery
Lots of minorities for me to cheat
we had a surplus that we did deplete.
Tax base, gay bans, Wall Street,
Aow, all we need is bribery
Aow, now we shall kill the health bill
Thank’s to the high court’s Right wing
we control Capital Hill.
Somewhere there is a detainee,
He’s as innocent as 'e can be.
but he disagreed with Dick Cheney,
Aow, all we need is bribery
Bribery, Bribery, Bribery, Bribery
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
A Biblical Tale
Here is a story, keep the young ones away.
For you may get offended, if they hear what I say.
But I’m not sure why, because it’s as old as the hills.
It’s about subtraction, waste, seed and spills.
He has been dismissed for his minor role.
But young boys revere him, am I being too droll.
In the book of Genesis, Chapter thirty-eight
We meet a character named Onan, whose hand was his date.
Now the Lord had suggested that we “be fruitful and multiply.”
But to call this a crime, causes the accuser to stultify.
All Onan had done was grab hold of himself
Remarkable, when you consider, no Playboy on his shelf.
Now Murderers are paroled after serving one score.
Petty thieves may not even see a prison door.
Pushers are out after a decade
So why is poor Onan cursed for his hand maid?
So here is the moral of my story this day
Most crimes are forgiven, if you go astray.
Keep your hands away from your lower extremes
Don’t spill thy seed, or have any wet dreams
For the Lord up in heaven, is plenty forgiving
He forgives murder and arson and missing Thanksgiving,
But don’t be like Onan, don’t spill thy seed.
You’ll be punished forever for that heinous deed.
For you may get offended, if they hear what I say.
But I’m not sure why, because it’s as old as the hills.
It’s about subtraction, waste, seed and spills.
He has been dismissed for his minor role.
But young boys revere him, am I being too droll.
In the book of Genesis, Chapter thirty-eight
We meet a character named Onan, whose hand was his date.
Now the Lord had suggested that we “be fruitful and multiply.”
But to call this a crime, causes the accuser to stultify.
All Onan had done was grab hold of himself
Remarkable, when you consider, no Playboy on his shelf.
Now Murderers are paroled after serving one score.
Petty thieves may not even see a prison door.
Pushers are out after a decade
So why is poor Onan cursed for his hand maid?
So here is the moral of my story this day
Most crimes are forgiven, if you go astray.
Keep your hands away from your lower extremes
Don’t spill thy seed, or have any wet dreams
For the Lord up in heaven, is plenty forgiving
He forgives murder and arson and missing Thanksgiving,
But don’t be like Onan, don’t spill thy seed.
You’ll be punished forever for that heinous deed.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Pat Robertson's song
We suspect that those who complain the loudest are hiding something. Recently discovered was this rare musical number sung by Pat Robertson, to the tune of Cabaret.
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
With gay marriage permitting
Two brides or two grooms
Hey Mac, try a Gal today
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
Morality declines
When sex is by hand
Much too much porn
Jews celebrating
Look this way
There’s two men dating.
Stop now committing
Your sins in chat rooms
Go back to your Chevrolet
God will punish the Jew and Gay
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
I used to have a crush on a guy named Kelsey
Together we defiled a cow named Elsie
She wasn’t difficult to overpower
You only had to treat her to happy hour
The day he left the neighbors all did bicker
One said, “You should have stayed with that horse named Flicka.”
But I was afraid of something unforeseen
Like what happened to that famous Russian Queen.
I think of Flicka to this very day
I remember how he’d look at me and bray
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
They’ve caused urban decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
As you can see
I’m going back to Kelsey
Together we can both find Elsie
So start by committing
Some sins in costume
Blame them on Jews and Gays
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
You’ll cause some rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
With gay marriage permitting
Two brides or two grooms
Hey Mac, try a Gal today
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
Morality declines
When sex is by hand
Much too much porn
Jews celebrating
Look this way
There’s two men dating.
Stop now committing
Your sins in chat rooms
Go back to your Chevrolet
God will punish the Jew and Gay
They’ve caused rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
I used to have a crush on a guy named Kelsey
Together we defiled a cow named Elsie
She wasn’t difficult to overpower
You only had to treat her to happy hour
The day he left the neighbors all did bicker
One said, “You should have stayed with that horse named Flicka.”
But I was afraid of something unforeseen
Like what happened to that famous Russian Queen.
I think of Flicka to this very day
I remember how he’d look at me and bray
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
They’ve caused urban decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
As you can see
I’m going back to Kelsey
Together we can both find Elsie
So start by committing
Some sins in costume
Blame them on Jews and Gays
What good is blaming no one for your gloom
There’s always the Jews and Gays
You’ll cause some rot, decay, and scum
Come see the rot and decay
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Great New York Earthquake of 2011
Harvey was sitting, dining Al fresco, on First Avenue when suddenly some of his Cabernet spilled. “My God,” said Harvey, “who is going to pay for this stain on my Izod? This will not come out in the wash! Waiter!!”
Across town, Sheila and Bernie, were celebrating their 40th anniversary, when suddenly Bernie felt a tremor, “Sheila, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, I can do it!! There is no need for your mechanical toys!”
On the M15 bus rolling down Second Avenue, the passengers were suddenly jolted. Sol, a veteran of the New York City Buses said, ‘That was nothing. You should feel the potholes on the crosstown bus.”
State Farm and Allstate Insurance companies are reporting record claims for Pizza and Latte stains.
Such was the devastation of the New York earthquake of 2011.
Across town, Sheila and Bernie, were celebrating their 40th anniversary, when suddenly Bernie felt a tremor, “Sheila, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, I can do it!! There is no need for your mechanical toys!”
On the M15 bus rolling down Second Avenue, the passengers were suddenly jolted. Sol, a veteran of the New York City Buses said, ‘That was nothing. You should feel the potholes on the crosstown bus.”
State Farm and Allstate Insurance companies are reporting record claims for Pizza and Latte stains.
Such was the devastation of the New York earthquake of 2011.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Gonna Run
The Republicans were so pleased with their new campaign strategy, of having their candidates sing together, released a single track by the hit duo, :Sarah and Michelle," called "Gonna Run" With apologies to the great Bruce Springsteen:
In the days of stress out on Wall Street, we’re the Republican’s first team
At night we retire to our mansions and the Liberals all scream
Quoting the Tea Party line
No Medicaid, Mexicans, Gay Marriages or any other Liberal Chime.
Sarah our first job will be dissolving Freddie Mac
Before we unpack, so let’s recap
We gotta brainwash all the young
Cause Girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run
Michelle, we’re gonna win, we’re gonna condescend
I agree with your decisions
We will get our kids to sing Battle hymns
And lower the wealth’s tax with our revisions
Together we could change the map
Blue states we will drop, that’s our plan of attack
If you run with me, that will transpire
Cause Michelle, I’m just a Washington outsider
With true Libertarian ideals
Cause Girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run
Beyond the White House, Liberals drone we’re spending with a credit card
But when we get elected, they’ll either see things clearer
That nobody gets a green card
We’ll arrest Richard Clarke, if he makes any remark
Left wing names on a new enemies list
Let’s talk about the good times like the McCarthy era, isn’t it great to reminisce?
The Tea Party fills our future cabinet, HUAC we will revive
Liberals have your fun tonight, cause soon we will preside.
Together Sarah we’ll end left wing madness
We’ll find oil at the North Pole
Someday friend, I see it now, we’ll drill in outer space
When we are through, each family will own a submachine gun
But till then, girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run.
In the days of stress out on Wall Street, we’re the Republican’s first team
At night we retire to our mansions and the Liberals all scream
Quoting the Tea Party line
No Medicaid, Mexicans, Gay Marriages or any other Liberal Chime.
Sarah our first job will be dissolving Freddie Mac
Before we unpack, so let’s recap
We gotta brainwash all the young
Cause Girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run
Michelle, we’re gonna win, we’re gonna condescend
I agree with your decisions
We will get our kids to sing Battle hymns
And lower the wealth’s tax with our revisions
Together we could change the map
Blue states we will drop, that’s our plan of attack
If you run with me, that will transpire
Cause Michelle, I’m just a Washington outsider
With true Libertarian ideals
Cause Girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run
Beyond the White House, Liberals drone we’re spending with a credit card
But when we get elected, they’ll either see things clearer
That nobody gets a green card
We’ll arrest Richard Clarke, if he makes any remark
Left wing names on a new enemies list
Let’s talk about the good times like the McCarthy era, isn’t it great to reminisce?
The Tea Party fills our future cabinet, HUAC we will revive
Liberals have your fun tonight, cause soon we will preside.
Together Sarah we’ll end left wing madness
We’ll find oil at the North Pole
Someday friend, I see it now, we’ll drill in outer space
When we are through, each family will own a submachine gun
But till then, girls like us, this is why we’re gonna run.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Where is the USSR
It appears that both Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann, know things about Russia, that nobody else does. Sarah can see it across the Bering Strait and Michelle thinks it's still the USSR. They've decided to do a duet together. With apologies to Lennon and McCartney:
Michelle:
Looked all through the latest Rand McNally
Couldn’t find this place last night
It was there the last time that I looked to see
Man, I must be losing my sight
Where is the USSR?
You know that place with the Czar, boy
Where is the USSR?
Sarah
Haven’t looked so long, I might have lost my place
Gee it’s good to be in Nome
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my gun case
Honey, I’m pneumonia prone
My back faces the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boys
Back to the USSR
Michelle & Sarah
Well the Ukraine girls are so strong and stout
They don’t have my behind
And Moscow girls are all Red throughout
And Georgia’s border is likely Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi, MI, Mi, Mi, Mi, Mined
We fear the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boy
We fear the USSR
Michelle & Sarah
Well the Ukraine girls are so strong and stout
They don’t have my behind
And Moscow girls are all Red throughout
And Georgia’s border is likely Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi, MI, Mi, Mi, Mi, Mined
Show me round your oil pipelines way down south
Take me out to kill a bear
Let’s hear all good Americans wailing out
Keep your commies over there.
We fear the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boy
We fear the USSR
Michelle:
Looked all through the latest Rand McNally
Couldn’t find this place last night
It was there the last time that I looked to see
Man, I must be losing my sight
Where is the USSR?
You know that place with the Czar, boy
Where is the USSR?
Sarah
Haven’t looked so long, I might have lost my place
Gee it’s good to be in Nome
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my gun case
Honey, I’m pneumonia prone
My back faces the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boys
Back to the USSR
Michelle & Sarah
Well the Ukraine girls are so strong and stout
They don’t have my behind
And Moscow girls are all Red throughout
And Georgia’s border is likely Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi, MI, Mi, Mi, Mi, Mined
We fear the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boy
We fear the USSR
Michelle & Sarah
Well the Ukraine girls are so strong and stout
They don’t have my behind
And Moscow girls are all Red throughout
And Georgia’s border is likely Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi, MI, Mi, Mi, Mi, Mined
Show me round your oil pipelines way down south
Take me out to kill a bear
Let’s hear all good Americans wailing out
Keep your commies over there.
We fear the USSR
You know that place with the Czar, boy
We fear the USSR
Sunday, August 14, 2011
If I only had Michelle
I had that Dream again. You know the one, where I meet Michelle Bachmann, who is walking down the Yellow Brick Road to the White House. I long for her, but What would I do with Michelle I had her?
Why, if I had Michelle, I would…
I would chase away the Left Wing
And declare war on Beijing
And stop use of stem cell
And the Gay Men I’d be catching
With women I’d be matching
If I only had Michelle
And to all those who are in the Middle
You’ll all play second fiddle
And eventually farewell
(Michelle)
And you’d show those who’ve been thinking
That you’re doing too much drinking
If you only had Michelle.
Remember Mom and Apple Pie
We’ll bring back the cold war
I’d eliminate those Commies at Peace Corps
We’ll pray in Schools, just like before.
But I am just a New York Lawyer
Rereading Old Tom Sawyer
With multiple Brain Cell
So for of you unwary
Life could be very scary
If I only had Michelle.
Why, if I had Michelle, I would…
I would chase away the Left Wing
And declare war on Beijing
And stop use of stem cell
And the Gay Men I’d be catching
With women I’d be matching
If I only had Michelle
And to all those who are in the Middle
You’ll all play second fiddle
And eventually farewell
(Michelle)
And you’d show those who’ve been thinking
That you’re doing too much drinking
If you only had Michelle.
Remember Mom and Apple Pie
We’ll bring back the cold war
I’d eliminate those Commies at Peace Corps
We’ll pray in Schools, just like before.
But I am just a New York Lawyer
Rereading Old Tom Sawyer
With multiple Brain Cell
So for of you unwary
Life could be very scary
If I only had Michelle.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Mrs. Brown you've got a Lovely Daughter
And she said "Great, get the divorce", but it turns out, in New York state, they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery, and it's weird, because the ten commandments say "Thou shalt not commit adultery", but New York state says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was, my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.
Woody Allen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is no longer the law in New York State, but suppose for a minute that marriages were run like Baseball, a conversation between women on the street might go something like this:
Mrs. Cohen: Good morning Mrs. Levy, I was sorry to hear about Mr. Levy.
Mrs Levy: Well, I put him on the 15 day disabled list so I could bring up a replacement from Pawtucket.
Mrs. Cohen: I was hearing trade rumors is any of that true?
Mrs. Levy: Mrs Schwartz had offered me her husband and a station wagon for Mr. Levy. If I decide to trade, I think that I can get more by shopping him around. Mrs. Goldberg is always looking to swap.
Mrs. Cohen: But, Mr. Goldberg is a free agent at the end of this season. If you trade for him you might have to go for a rookie in the off season. He also has that terrible contract that states that wherever he is traded the dog must go with him.
Mrs. Levy: No wonder Mrs. Goldberg is looking for a trade.
Mrs. Cohen: Why would you want to trade Mr. Levy anyway?
Mrs. Levy: He keeps missing signals. Last week for instance, I gave him the take sign, figuring he'd walk, steal second and third and we'd try to score on the squeeze play.
Mrs. Cohen: Oh, I love the squeeze play, so what happened?
Mrs. Levy: He swung for the fences and missed! Before I knew it he was in the clubhouse having a sandwich. So the next night I batted myself.
Mrs. Cohen: I saw the box score. That seemed to work out well.
Mrs. Levy: You'd think so. The next thing I knew I was hearing from his agent. It seems his contract has a bonus clause in it if he gets more than 200 at bats any season. He accused me of an unfair labor tactic. He threatened to demand a trade. Then he goes out and pulls a muscle. That along with the blister, I had no choice, but to put him on the disabled list.
Mrs. Cohen: How'd he get hurt?
Mrs. Levy: He was taking extra batting practice.
Mrs. Cohen: Are you interested in Mr. Cohen?
Mrs. Levy: I might be, are you interested in trading?
Mrs. Cohen: I'm always willing to listen to offers.
Mrs. Levy: I can't take Mr. Cohen straight up for Mr. Levy. Mr. Cohen is much older and he's a free agent at the end of next year. There have always been those rumors of him wanting to play for Mrs. Brown.
Mrs. Cohen: Maybe we can work out a three way deal.
Mrs. Levy: I might be interested, but Mrs. Brown would have to throw in her daughter.
Mrs. Cohen: Well, Mrs. Brown does have a lovely daughter!
Woody Allen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is no longer the law in New York State, but suppose for a minute that marriages were run like Baseball, a conversation between women on the street might go something like this:
Mrs. Cohen: Good morning Mrs. Levy, I was sorry to hear about Mr. Levy.
Mrs Levy: Well, I put him on the 15 day disabled list so I could bring up a replacement from Pawtucket.
Mrs. Cohen: I was hearing trade rumors is any of that true?
Mrs. Levy: Mrs Schwartz had offered me her husband and a station wagon for Mr. Levy. If I decide to trade, I think that I can get more by shopping him around. Mrs. Goldberg is always looking to swap.
Mrs. Cohen: But, Mr. Goldberg is a free agent at the end of this season. If you trade for him you might have to go for a rookie in the off season. He also has that terrible contract that states that wherever he is traded the dog must go with him.
Mrs. Levy: No wonder Mrs. Goldberg is looking for a trade.
Mrs. Cohen: Why would you want to trade Mr. Levy anyway?
Mrs. Levy: He keeps missing signals. Last week for instance, I gave him the take sign, figuring he'd walk, steal second and third and we'd try to score on the squeeze play.
Mrs. Cohen: Oh, I love the squeeze play, so what happened?
Mrs. Levy: He swung for the fences and missed! Before I knew it he was in the clubhouse having a sandwich. So the next night I batted myself.
Mrs. Cohen: I saw the box score. That seemed to work out well.
Mrs. Levy: You'd think so. The next thing I knew I was hearing from his agent. It seems his contract has a bonus clause in it if he gets more than 200 at bats any season. He accused me of an unfair labor tactic. He threatened to demand a trade. Then he goes out and pulls a muscle. That along with the blister, I had no choice, but to put him on the disabled list.
Mrs. Cohen: How'd he get hurt?
Mrs. Levy: He was taking extra batting practice.
Mrs. Cohen: Are you interested in Mr. Cohen?
Mrs. Levy: I might be, are you interested in trading?
Mrs. Cohen: I'm always willing to listen to offers.
Mrs. Levy: I can't take Mr. Cohen straight up for Mr. Levy. Mr. Cohen is much older and he's a free agent at the end of next year. There have always been those rumors of him wanting to play for Mrs. Brown.
Mrs. Cohen: Maybe we can work out a three way deal.
Mrs. Levy: I might be interested, but Mrs. Brown would have to throw in her daughter.
Mrs. Cohen: Well, Mrs. Brown does have a lovely daughter!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Heidi Fleiss Variety Hour
NBC recently anounced that in their Fall schedule, they will be returning to an old format, The Variety Show. On Wednesday Night at 9:00PM they will air "The Heidi Fleiss Variety Hour." Here's Heidi with a little preview.
(To the tune of King of the Road)
Sailors help pay the rent
Average night...fifty gents.
No pride, no fret, no sweats
I’ve laid the New York Mets
Ah, but..two hours he’ll be a groom
What I gave him, does spell doom
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.
Third apartment, call me Jane
Extra money gets Champaign.
Take off your suits and shoes,
For ten bucks we could Schmooze,
They all think that I’m profound
But, I just sleep around
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.
I know every man without a brain
Pay me extra, I’ll bring a Great Dane
If the monies right, I’ll be a clown
I’m on the clock, A short trip to Bangkok.
Would you want to wear a gown?
I sing,
Sailors help pay the rent
Average night...fifty gents.
No pride, no fret, no sweats
I’ve laid the New York Mets
Ah, but..two hours he’ll be a groom
What I gave him, does spell doom
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.
(To the tune of King of the Road)
Sailors help pay the rent
Average night...fifty gents.
No pride, no fret, no sweats
I’ve laid the New York Mets
Ah, but..two hours he’ll be a groom
What I gave him, does spell doom
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.
Third apartment, call me Jane
Extra money gets Champaign.
Take off your suits and shoes,
For ten bucks we could Schmooze,
They all think that I’m profound
But, I just sleep around
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.
I know every man without a brain
Pay me extra, I’ll bring a Great Dane
If the monies right, I’ll be a clown
I’m on the clock, A short trip to Bangkok.
Would you want to wear a gown?
I sing,
Sailors help pay the rent
Average night...fifty gents.
No pride, no fret, no sweats
I’ve laid the New York Mets
Ah, but..two hours he’ll be a groom
What I gave him, does spell doom
I'm a girl of elites and no streets
Queen of the load.
Monday, August 1, 2011
An American Success Story
Come gather up children and listen intently
About a family of five who lived in a Bentley.
The year was One thousand and nine ninety seven
Most who knew them, have now gone to heaven.
Max lost his house in two oh oh two
His Name was Maximilian, but he lost a Million then too.
Max was married, to a mieskeit name Sue.
It wasn’t really her name, but it was all she could do.
She sued the baker, the cop on the beat
The butcher and tailor, the girl who polished her feet.
Although they did nothing to merit her case,
They’d pay her the blackmail, to not look at her face,
They spent most of their money on the house and the car
Max spent the rest on his tab at the bar.
For their house they did borrow One Million and five
The bank gave them a mortgage, if they could prove they’re alive
Sue lost her first case when she sued by Max’s mother
She was represented by Max, Mom by his brother
Mom came to the door, “Said, I’m collecting.
By the way dear, Is that a whale you’re expecting?”
Next came the bankers, their lawyers came too,
“You owe us five mil. , didn’t you read the fine print through.”
So they moved into their car, it isn’t so shabby,
Max is the only one, who drives a Rolls Royce as a cabby.
About a family of five who lived in a Bentley.
The year was One thousand and nine ninety seven
Most who knew them, have now gone to heaven.
Max lost his house in two oh oh two
His Name was Maximilian, but he lost a Million then too.
Max was married, to a mieskeit name Sue.
It wasn’t really her name, but it was all she could do.
She sued the baker, the cop on the beat
The butcher and tailor, the girl who polished her feet.
Although they did nothing to merit her case,
They’d pay her the blackmail, to not look at her face,
They spent most of their money on the house and the car
Max spent the rest on his tab at the bar.
For their house they did borrow One Million and five
The bank gave them a mortgage, if they could prove they’re alive
Sue lost her first case when she sued by Max’s mother
She was represented by Max, Mom by his brother
Mom came to the door, “Said, I’m collecting.
By the way dear, Is that a whale you’re expecting?”
Next came the bankers, their lawyers came too,
“You owe us five mil. , didn’t you read the fine print through.”
So they moved into their car, it isn’t so shabby,
Max is the only one, who drives a Rolls Royce as a cabby.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
SHIKSA
To the tune of the Flintstones.
Shiksa, she's a Shiksa
She puts Mayo on her hot Pastrami
She's not from New York
She's never seen Crossing Delancey
Some day she will learn to eat it right
To go out to Katz's for the night
When you're with a Shiksa
Have an Oy yoy yoy time
A yoy yoy time
You'll have a goy old time
Shiksa, she's a Shiksa
She puts Mayo on her hot Pastrami
She's not from New York
She's never seen Crossing Delancey
Some day she will learn to eat it right
To go out to Katz's for the night
When you're with a Shiksa
Have an Oy yoy yoy time
A yoy yoy time
You'll have a goy old time
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Frieda and Freddy, her everyday steady.
In the Fair Village of Frumpsh
Along the mighty Kabunsh
Lived that Friendly Fish Freddie
And Frieda his steady
The Village had youth
Not like its neighbor Formooth.
But Frumpsh was alive
For life it did strive
And Frieda and Freddie
Her everyday steady
Would go dancin’ and playin’
And rarely would stay in`
For what caught Frieda’s eye
Was young Freddie way spry
He could run day and night
He was quite a sight
One day came a stranger
Who spoke of the manger
“I’m the right Reverend Snark.
Here to deliver you from the dark.”
The Reverend had boxes and cables
That he placed upon tables
It will help you spread news
Gossip, kibitz and schmooze.
Above Freddie’s head was a spark
Caused by the right Reverend Snark
He’d give up the dancing
Running and his prancing
He’d sell his Hi-Fi
And bring in Wi-Fi
So soon Day and Night
Freddie was no where in sight
He was there with his Box
He was now a fat Lox
And the news that he spread
Came out of his head
There was no truth to the fables
That came from his cables
And what of Frieda his Steady
She bought a new Teddy
She tried to show it to Freddie
But he’d seen it already
While surfing the cable
He saw it on Mabel
Now Frieda said, “Freddie,
I’ve had it already.”
“You sit there day and night
You are a frightful sight
You keep spreading a tale
And you look like a Whale”
“Dear Frieda,” he said
As he gobbled more bread
I’m no longer a jogger
I ‘m now just a blogger”
So Frieda left Freddie
She left him the Teddy
To wipe off his chin
That once was so thin.
Along the mighty Kabunsh
Lived that Friendly Fish Freddie
And Frieda his steady
The Village had youth
Not like its neighbor Formooth.
But Frumpsh was alive
For life it did strive
And Frieda and Freddie
Her everyday steady
Would go dancin’ and playin’
And rarely would stay in`
For what caught Frieda’s eye
Was young Freddie way spry
He could run day and night
He was quite a sight
One day came a stranger
Who spoke of the manger
“I’m the right Reverend Snark.
Here to deliver you from the dark.”
The Reverend had boxes and cables
That he placed upon tables
It will help you spread news
Gossip, kibitz and schmooze.
Above Freddie’s head was a spark
Caused by the right Reverend Snark
He’d give up the dancing
Running and his prancing
He’d sell his Hi-Fi
And bring in Wi-Fi
So soon Day and Night
Freddie was no where in sight
He was there with his Box
He was now a fat Lox
And the news that he spread
Came out of his head
There was no truth to the fables
That came from his cables
And what of Frieda his Steady
She bought a new Teddy
She tried to show it to Freddie
But he’d seen it already
While surfing the cable
He saw it on Mabel
Now Frieda said, “Freddie,
I’ve had it already.”
“You sit there day and night
You are a frightful sight
You keep spreading a tale
And you look like a Whale”
“Dear Frieda,” he said
As he gobbled more bread
I’m no longer a jogger
I ‘m now just a blogger”
So Frieda left Freddie
She left him the Teddy
To wipe off his chin
That once was so thin.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Of Donkeys and Elephants
The Year is Two Thousand and O Ninety-Nine
The World has long since past time that was prime
But, I’ll tell you a story of what once did occur
When the Earth was much younger,
Ask those who survived it, I’m sure they’ll concur
In the land known as Unim
Our story is set
The land was already, too deeply in debt
For this land that we speak was filled to the brim
With Donkeys and Elephants, whose future was grim
As the page would soon turn from an Ace to a Deuce
In Florida Pachyderms were wild and loose
Very convincing were these Beasts of the wild
They sold the Supremes on forty-one’s child
They needed five judges, all dressed in black
These Judges held grudges, they wanted Washington back.
The Mastodon leader, said all could see
How the Bubbes and Zaydas would all vote for me.
What followed was eight years of war and of blunder
Our nation was near to going asunder
As One passed and Two and Three as did Four
I waited for this Pachyderm to be shown to the door
But this slow tired Elephant would outsmart those dumb Mules
Two men cannot marry, no money for schools
It rained in New Orleans, washed out part of the South
Why should they know this, word travels slowly by mouth
So what good could be said at the end of his term
“Nobody found any blue dresses with stains on them from sperm.”
The Asses took over in the year of naught eight.
With debt well past twelve zeros, was it already too late
With movements described as quick and adroit.
Action was taken, that would soon save Detroit
One day was found, there in a cave
Our Number one enemy, who wasn’t too brave.
But as we approached the year of one two
Came two lady elephants, one with the star of a Jew.
Oh these two lady Elephants, were smarter than Mules
They’d teach us some history, we never heard in the school
Like the story of Quincy, who at nine years of age
Playing in the schoolyard, was the big rage.
You see while other young men, were all getting their grounding
Adams, the younger, was nation founding.
They’d accept only questions, both balanced and fair.
“Where did you get that dress?” “Who does your hair.”
And that poor old donkey, he thought it a joke
But, with these Elephants back in the White House, Unim was broke
So they sold that old white house, to one of their own
And now the Trump White House is what he calls home.
Soon all the restaurants closed down the doors
Followed by gas stations and all other stores.
So now all the businesses were going downstream
All that was left was a truck of ice dream
That’s the end of our story, of a nation once grand.
Now you can tell the story of custard’s last stand
The World has long since past time that was prime
But, I’ll tell you a story of what once did occur
When the Earth was much younger,
Ask those who survived it, I’m sure they’ll concur
In the land known as Unim
Our story is set
The land was already, too deeply in debt
For this land that we speak was filled to the brim
With Donkeys and Elephants, whose future was grim
As the page would soon turn from an Ace to a Deuce
In Florida Pachyderms were wild and loose
Very convincing were these Beasts of the wild
They sold the Supremes on forty-one’s child
They needed five judges, all dressed in black
These Judges held grudges, they wanted Washington back.
The Mastodon leader, said all could see
How the Bubbes and Zaydas would all vote for me.
What followed was eight years of war and of blunder
Our nation was near to going asunder
As One passed and Two and Three as did Four
I waited for this Pachyderm to be shown to the door
But this slow tired Elephant would outsmart those dumb Mules
Two men cannot marry, no money for schools
It rained in New Orleans, washed out part of the South
Why should they know this, word travels slowly by mouth
So what good could be said at the end of his term
“Nobody found any blue dresses with stains on them from sperm.”
The Asses took over in the year of naught eight.
With debt well past twelve zeros, was it already too late
With movements described as quick and adroit.
Action was taken, that would soon save Detroit
One day was found, there in a cave
Our Number one enemy, who wasn’t too brave.
But as we approached the year of one two
Came two lady elephants, one with the star of a Jew.
Oh these two lady Elephants, were smarter than Mules
They’d teach us some history, we never heard in the school
Like the story of Quincy, who at nine years of age
Playing in the schoolyard, was the big rage.
You see while other young men, were all getting their grounding
Adams, the younger, was nation founding.
They’d accept only questions, both balanced and fair.
“Where did you get that dress?” “Who does your hair.”
And that poor old donkey, he thought it a joke
But, with these Elephants back in the White House, Unim was broke
So they sold that old white house, to one of their own
And now the Trump White House is what he calls home.
Soon all the restaurants closed down the doors
Followed by gas stations and all other stores.
So now all the businesses were going downstream
All that was left was a truck of ice dream
That’s the end of our story, of a nation once grand.
Now you can tell the story of custard’s last stand
Saturday, June 25, 2011
This Bush was a Tush
WITH APOLOGIES TO DR. SEUSS.
I’m taking you all
On a trip back in time
We’ll start our adventure
In one after 1999
We had an election
The differences clear
Vote for a record that’s known
Or one who was platform was fear
That night in November
It went forth and back
I was sure the results
Wouldn’t bring us this hack
Florida's Votes barely Counted
The Election was fixed
The Supreme Court Decided
That the real vote be nixed!
I read the opinion
The Vote was five to four
I kept asking myself
How did Bush beat Al Gore!
He led us to war
On a barrel of lies
Oh how I long for the President
Who wouldn’t rename French Fries!
So All we have done
Is
Wait
Wait
Wait
Wait
There was much to correct
In Two Thousand and Eight!
The Surplus is Gone
It went in a Woosh
We should have realized in
Two Thousand
This Bush was a Tush!
What happened was this
Many lost their sanity
What other excuse could one have
For listening to Limbaugh, Coulter and Hannity!
So now we have a new round of debates
Which have got us quite bored
But please not another President
Who thinks that he’s the choice of the Lord!
I’m taking you all
On a trip back in time
We’ll start our adventure
In one after 1999
We had an election
The differences clear
Vote for a record that’s known
Or one who was platform was fear
That night in November
It went forth and back
I was sure the results
Wouldn’t bring us this hack
Florida's Votes barely Counted
The Election was fixed
The Supreme Court Decided
That the real vote be nixed!
I read the opinion
The Vote was five to four
I kept asking myself
How did Bush beat Al Gore!
He led us to war
On a barrel of lies
Oh how I long for the President
Who wouldn’t rename French Fries!
So All we have done
Is
Wait
Wait
Wait
Wait
There was much to correct
In Two Thousand and Eight!
The Surplus is Gone
It went in a Woosh
We should have realized in
Two Thousand
This Bush was a Tush!
What happened was this
Many lost their sanity
What other excuse could one have
For listening to Limbaugh, Coulter and Hannity!
So now we have a new round of debates
Which have got us quite bored
But please not another President
Who thinks that he’s the choice of the Lord!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Palin the queen of the right
The Presidential Campaign songs are starting to get airplay. To the Tune of Lydia the Tattoo Lady, here is Palin The Queen of the Right.
Oh Palin, Oh Palin
Now have you met Palin
Palin the Queen of the Right
Oh the red-necks so adore her
but they wish the Press would ignore her
Oh Palin, Oh Palin
Now have you met Palin
Palin the queen of the right
From her home can be seen the former USSR
With the Pipeline she wants, she can fill up her car
She thinks that Russia is still ruled by the Tsar
Oh you can learn a lot from Palin
There's a Polar Bear walking over the Tundra
Hes endangered so don't shoot him and blunder
She would change that is she could have her way
And also tell everyone how to pray
She has her own view of the world from a long time gone
That man lived side by side with the Masterdon
And she won't approve sex if a condoms on
Oh Palin, Oh Palin, now have you met Palin
Palin the queen of them all
She approves of the Bush Doctrine, though it's never been read
The names of Court cases have clear left her head
And from the air she can shoot a Wolf til its dead!
You can learn a lot from Palin!
Palin, oh Palin, have you met Palin, the queen of the right!
She once even suggested the banning a book,
The Librarian countered with a quizzical look.
So then the old girl knew how little it took,
For she was fired then by Palin
Oh Palin, Oh Palin
Now have you met Palin
Palin the Queen of the Right
Oh the red-necks so adore her
but they wish the Press would ignore her
Oh Palin, Oh Palin
Now have you met Palin
Palin the queen of the right
From her home can be seen the former USSR
With the Pipeline she wants, she can fill up her car
She thinks that Russia is still ruled by the Tsar
Oh you can learn a lot from Palin
There's a Polar Bear walking over the Tundra
Hes endangered so don't shoot him and blunder
She would change that is she could have her way
And also tell everyone how to pray
She has her own view of the world from a long time gone
That man lived side by side with the Masterdon
And she won't approve sex if a condoms on
Oh Palin, Oh Palin, now have you met Palin
Palin the queen of them all
She approves of the Bush Doctrine, though it's never been read
The names of Court cases have clear left her head
And from the air she can shoot a Wolf til its dead!
You can learn a lot from Palin!
Palin, oh Palin, have you met Palin, the queen of the right!
She once even suggested the banning a book,
The Librarian countered with a quizzical look.
So then the old girl knew how little it took,
For she was fired then by Palin
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The House is a Louse
We are gajillions in debt...
From Congressional misuse,
So I’ll tell you the story,
And I won’t think you obtuse...
about an Elephant and a donkey...
and a house with a dome...
that, oddly enough,
these creatures call home.
But that comes later
In my rhythmic tome.
On the River that forms
At the Anacostia Mouth,
a city was formed...
just north of the south.
It's a City that's called home
To shirts that are stuffed...
Some on the right and some on the left
Should be taken and cuffed,
About marriage and bridges,
They feel they should dabble...
But to a frustrated nation
It’s all Psychobabble.
So on the River Potomac
at the mouths
of two roaring rivers,
Anacostia and Connogochegue...
Are the nation’s lawgivers...
Those who live in this City
Who call this place home,
Can’t even vote
For the occupants of the Dome,
A beautiful city
That blossoms and blooms...
But when Asses meet Pachyderms
The result is pure gloom
Here the men and the women,
Who work in this house,
Are very concerned,
That we have the right spouse,
And in the old house
They know that it’s best
For a woman to mother,
A child whose dad
Is also his brother.
So we must remember
When we elect these strange creatures,
That their job description
Is morality preachers.
They meet in the house...
With no money to spare...
giving breaks to big oil...
cause they truly care
So where is the spare money?
Surely we should know
It’s’ taken from the old and the schools,
But you get what you pay for
When trusting Elephants and Mules
From Congressional misuse,
So I’ll tell you the story,
And I won’t think you obtuse...
about an Elephant and a donkey...
and a house with a dome...
that, oddly enough,
these creatures call home.
But that comes later
In my rhythmic tome.
On the River that forms
At the Anacostia Mouth,
a city was formed...
just north of the south.
It's a City that's called home
To shirts that are stuffed...
Some on the right and some on the left
Should be taken and cuffed,
About marriage and bridges,
They feel they should dabble...
But to a frustrated nation
It’s all Psychobabble.
So on the River Potomac
at the mouths
of two roaring rivers,
Anacostia and Connogochegue...
Are the nation’s lawgivers...
Those who live in this City
Who call this place home,
Can’t even vote
For the occupants of the Dome,
A beautiful city
That blossoms and blooms...
But when Asses meet Pachyderms
The result is pure gloom
Here the men and the women,
Who work in this house,
Are very concerned,
That we have the right spouse,
And in the old house
They know that it’s best
For a woman to mother,
A child whose dad
Is also his brother.
So we must remember
When we elect these strange creatures,
That their job description
Is morality preachers.
They meet in the house...
With no money to spare...
giving breaks to big oil...
cause they truly care
So where is the spare money?
Surely we should know
It’s’ taken from the old and the schools,
But you get what you pay for
When trusting Elephants and Mules
Monday, May 9, 2011
Coulter the Vulture
With Apologies to Dr. Seuss!
Born in the City of New York,
Coulter the Vulture was an out of place dork.
The City had Jews. It had Asians. It had Blacks.
The Buildings were tall. There was nothing it lacks.
The Vultures were waiting, like Lemmings indeed.
For a Queen Vulture to lead them. One full of greed.
They were waiting til Coulter a mieskeyt for sure,
Decided they needed a racist bore.
"I’m Coulter," said she, "and I know what’s best for all.
And, if you don’t listen to me you’re in for a great fall.
With Jews, Asians and Blacks the City is cursed,
I look down on you all from my high and mighty perch.
My butt that I sit on is boney for sure.
I need people to trample on and poor to ignore.
I’ll bring down a President, and disrupt our nation!
And as Queen of the Neo-Cons, I’ll defend my station!"
So Coulter, the Vulture Queen, looked down her nose
And Coulter, The Vulture Queen, spouted her prose.
She said that those who lost mates to terrorism were harpies
And sycophants like Hannity fell in lock-step like Lackeys.
She should have lost all credibility as you can see
However, she’ll always have a forum on Fox and WABC.
And the Coulter spoke up. She shouted her bile.
I’ll slander the Jews! And Liberals are vile!
"All Listen!" yelled Coulter. "You better move to the right!
I’m Queen of the Vultures! And I alone have seen the light!
Don’t Listen to Clinton! Don’t vote for Al Gore,
John Kerry is evil, Bush for emperor could be my Lore!
I’m Coulter the Vulture! Only I know what’s best!
For I am the brightest, better than the rest!
And all through the Bushdom, she sat there up high
Claiming once and again, "There’s no pollution in the sky!"
Until came 2008, and her ratings were falling.
"What happened?" snapped Coulter.
As she looked down on the rabble.
“ They don’t fall for my babble.
She’s slandered the Jews, Muslims and Poor,
who have I got left to finish my score?
She thought about Hillary, Obama and McCain.
And together they all caused her one giant pain.
My influence is dwindling , said the Queen Vulture.
Where’s Ron Reagan when you need him,
Bedtime for Bonzo was such great Culture!
"Liberals!" she cursed, and then spouted,
"I’m the Great Coulter, our nation will be blighted!"
"They’ve made many mistakes, Like giving Women the Vote.
I’ve conversed with God,
he’s wants me to build a large boat.
I’ll be Queen of the Ark, we’ll leave off the Donkeys.
Instead of two Democrats, we’ll take extra Monkeys."
But Ann had now gone a little too far.
The gate to her brains was clearly ajar.
So Ann Coulter is crazy, finally the masses realized!
As they slowly watched her following sink, her cronies capsized!
And now the great Coulter, the right’s miserable tool
Is Queen of nobody, she’s merely a fool.
And all of the Vultures, must seek a new leader
And hopefully this time, she won’t need a new breeder!
Born in the City of New York,
Coulter the Vulture was an out of place dork.
The City had Jews. It had Asians. It had Blacks.
The Buildings were tall. There was nothing it lacks.
The Vultures were waiting, like Lemmings indeed.
For a Queen Vulture to lead them. One full of greed.
They were waiting til Coulter a mieskeyt for sure,
Decided they needed a racist bore.
"I’m Coulter," said she, "and I know what’s best for all.
And, if you don’t listen to me you’re in for a great fall.
With Jews, Asians and Blacks the City is cursed,
I look down on you all from my high and mighty perch.
My butt that I sit on is boney for sure.
I need people to trample on and poor to ignore.
I’ll bring down a President, and disrupt our nation!
And as Queen of the Neo-Cons, I’ll defend my station!"
So Coulter, the Vulture Queen, looked down her nose
And Coulter, The Vulture Queen, spouted her prose.
She said that those who lost mates to terrorism were harpies
And sycophants like Hannity fell in lock-step like Lackeys.
She should have lost all credibility as you can see
However, she’ll always have a forum on Fox and WABC.
And the Coulter spoke up. She shouted her bile.
I’ll slander the Jews! And Liberals are vile!
"All Listen!" yelled Coulter. "You better move to the right!
I’m Queen of the Vultures! And I alone have seen the light!
Don’t Listen to Clinton! Don’t vote for Al Gore,
John Kerry is evil, Bush for emperor could be my Lore!
I’m Coulter the Vulture! Only I know what’s best!
For I am the brightest, better than the rest!
And all through the Bushdom, she sat there up high
Claiming once and again, "There’s no pollution in the sky!"
Until came 2008, and her ratings were falling.
"What happened?" snapped Coulter.
As she looked down on the rabble.
“ They don’t fall for my babble.
She’s slandered the Jews, Muslims and Poor,
who have I got left to finish my score?
She thought about Hillary, Obama and McCain.
And together they all caused her one giant pain.
My influence is dwindling , said the Queen Vulture.
Where’s Ron Reagan when you need him,
Bedtime for Bonzo was such great Culture!
"Liberals!" she cursed, and then spouted,
"I’m the Great Coulter, our nation will be blighted!"
"They’ve made many mistakes, Like giving Women the Vote.
I’ve conversed with God,
he’s wants me to build a large boat.
I’ll be Queen of the Ark, we’ll leave off the Donkeys.
Instead of two Democrats, we’ll take extra Monkeys."
But Ann had now gone a little too far.
The gate to her brains was clearly ajar.
So Ann Coulter is crazy, finally the masses realized!
As they slowly watched her following sink, her cronies capsized!
And now the great Coulter, the right’s miserable tool
Is Queen of nobody, she’s merely a fool.
And all of the Vultures, must seek a new leader
And hopefully this time, she won’t need a new breeder!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Seeing Me and Shlomo Down by the SHul Yard
The Morty the Mohel took out his blade, and he started the circumcision
When the child found out, he began to shout, “ma please no incision”
It's Talmudic law, it was Talmudic law
Yes the Bubbe swore, it was Talmudic law
The mama came down and passed out the wine and sliced up the bread in sections.
The papa said “oy, that’s my baby boy.
Please, Rabbi, don’t leave an infection.”
Well someone’s gonna pay, It hadn’t started growin'
Someone’s gonna pay, they’re giving me wine, but it tastes too sweet
Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Yeshiva
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
In a couple of days they're gonna take me to pray
But it still hurts when I take a leak
Now they bake without Yeast, every Passover Feast
What holiday is it next week
And I'm gonna pray, I don't know what I'm sayin'
I'm gonna pray, I'm drinkin the wine, and there’s too much to eat,
Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Yeshiva
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
When the child found out, he began to shout, “ma please no incision”
It's Talmudic law, it was Talmudic law
Yes the Bubbe swore, it was Talmudic law
The mama came down and passed out the wine and sliced up the bread in sections.
The papa said “oy, that’s my baby boy.
Please, Rabbi, don’t leave an infection.”
Well someone’s gonna pay, It hadn’t started growin'
Someone’s gonna pay, they’re giving me wine, but it tastes too sweet
Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Yeshiva
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
In a couple of days they're gonna take me to pray
But it still hurts when I take a leak
Now they bake without Yeast, every Passover Feast
What holiday is it next week
And I'm gonna pray, I don't know what I'm sayin'
I'm gonna pray, I'm drinkin the wine, and there’s too much to eat,
Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Yeshiva
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Conspiracy Theory
There's a lot of spin going on, I told you yesterday, about Al Qaeda plan to release their first full length feature film called, "Weekend at Osama's"
There's also a DJ in Detroit who says if you play his last video backwards, you can hear the works, "I buried Osama."
Witnesses to bin Laden's killing claim to have heard a second shot from a grassy knoll in Dallas. This is being investigated, even though the shooting was in Pakistan.
Oliver Stone is believed to be working on his own theory involving Cuban Nationals. It seemed that they had scheduled a ballgame against the Nationals in Havana Castro didn't want to be embarrassed by losing the game, so he had their pitcher killed.
There's a theory out of London that he was killed by the British Royal Family, to stop the problem created by being a Prince Charles look alike.
Another theory out on London is that he was partying with the Stones, and choked on a Ham Sandwich.
There's also the belief that he wanted a preview of the 72 virgins. When the first virgin uncovered her face, he had a heart attack and died.
There's also a DJ in Detroit who says if you play his last video backwards, you can hear the works, "I buried Osama."
Witnesses to bin Laden's killing claim to have heard a second shot from a grassy knoll in Dallas. This is being investigated, even though the shooting was in Pakistan.
Oliver Stone is believed to be working on his own theory involving Cuban Nationals. It seemed that they had scheduled a ballgame against the Nationals in Havana Castro didn't want to be embarrassed by losing the game, so he had their pitcher killed.
There's a theory out of London that he was killed by the British Royal Family, to stop the problem created by being a Prince Charles look alike.
Another theory out on London is that he was partying with the Stones, and choked on a Ham Sandwich.
There's also the belief that he wanted a preview of the 72 virgins. When the first virgin uncovered her face, he had a heart attack and died.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Weekend at Osama's
The Al Qaeda Spin doctors are saying that the Navy Seals didn't kill Bin Laden. They have quickly releases the first feature length Al Qaeda Movie. Released through their own studio, Fourth Century Fox, here is a brief summary of their version of Osama's death. "Weekend at Osama's."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Achmad and Abdul are two low-level employees at Al Qaeda who uncover a $2 million fraud involving financing of Osama’s hit album sings Elvis that were released after the death of the Infidel producer. Taking their findings to their boss Osama Bin Laden, they are commended for discovering the fraud and invited to Osama's cave the following long weekend, and promised extra virgins.
Unbeknownst to Achmad and Abdul, Osama is behind the fraud and nervously arranges with his
Taliban partners to have them both killed that weekend and arrange it as a murder-suicide. The talibans, however, double cross Osama and change the plan to have Husni murder Osama at his cave house instead, as Osama's reckless greed has made him a liability, in addition to the fact he is having an affair with the Taliban boss Najeed’s girlfriend, Nasmah.. During the dinner Nasmah, slides her sandal off and plays footsie with Osama with her bare foot.
Osama arrives at the cave early, before Achmad and Abdul, and speaks to Husni on the phone.
With the belief that this conversation, is going to become part of Osama’s next video it is recorded. The conversation pointedly mentions Osama's alibi once Husni is supposed to kill the two friends. Osama then writes a confession and plants cash implicating Achmad and Abdul in what Osama thinks will be their later deaths. Husni arrives, kills Osama by injection of Chicken Soup and leaves a Gefilte Fish to appear as an apparent overdose.
Achmad and Abdul arrive at the beach house, find their now dead boss and think he is meditating. While trying to liven him up, they discover the Gefilte Fisht left as evidence by the killer to suggest that Osama overdosed. At this point, guests start arriving for a "floating" party that passes through Osama's house every weekend as he is immensely popular in the cave.
Achmad and Abdul immediately realize that the vast majority of people are too engrossed in their own suicides to notice the "host" and even the few appearing to talk to Osama in passing are too superficial and oblivious to think twice about his apparent lack of response between his eyes concealed behind dark sunglasses and a certain dopey grin from the murderous OD: "you've never looked so relaxed," someone tells him.
Despite the more conniving Achmad's effort to persuade his friend to take advantage of the incredible situation to enjoy the accommodations for at least a while, straitlaced Abdul begins to call the Al Qaeda leaders when he spots the arrival of a Al Qaeda, summer intern Shifa.
Managing to move Osama's body away from the party with Achmad broadly hinting their boss is "dead" drunk, Abdul is finally free to court the hooded Shifa with Achmad's prompting: "Girl, cave, mud, sand, dirt."
After the party has ended, another man from Najeed's gang arrives and has reason to believe Osama is still alive. He immediately calls in this surprising news to Najeed who has Husni check back at the cave the next day. The next morning starts with Achmad playing Monopoly with his dead boss. This game of monopoly is the Tora Bora version.
Abdul gets flustered when Shifa arrives to thank Osama for her summer job . To hide Osama from Shifa, Achmad ends up dropping the corpse off the side of the mountain, unknowingly on top of Husni who was spying from beneath the mountain. At once shocked and provoked by what he thinks is this sudden attack, Husni chokes Osama until he's positive he has no pulse.
Achmad and Abdul finally determine to the Al Qaeda leaders inadvertently press the tape
machine playback of Osama's conversation with Husni alluding to their planned murder, which in turn leads them to discover the cash and note left by Osama framing them. They initially try to leave the cave by camel, dragging Osama draped over their shoulders to look like he's walking between them.
The camel leaves as they arrive at the Hookah cafe and Husni - who is on the Camel - becomes agitated at the sight of Osama running alongside Achmad and Abdul shouting to stop the Camel.
Husni is driven crazy by how two murder attempts on Osama could have failed.
Next, Achmad and Abdul attempt to use Osama's Camel to leave the cave. Neither knows how to ride a Camel, however, and they end up wreaking havoc on various local Camels and merchants.
The Camel soon runs out of cud, and the duo is forced to slide on Osama's back to the cave.
At the house, Shifa confronts Achmad and Abdul to pressure them to tell the truth. They break down and reveal that they had found Osama dead from the start of the weekend. Suddenly Husni returns, thinking Osama is still alive, and blatantly fires six gunshots into Osama in front of Shifa, Achmad, and Abdul. Husni then turns the gun on the others, but he has emptied the chamber. Chasing them with another loaded gun, Husni is caught by surprise when Achmad manages to entangle him with the cord from Osama’s dialysis machine and knock him out.
Al Qaeda eventually arrive to cut off Husni’s hands, chopping them off s he continues to insist Osama is still alive.
As Osama is being loaded onto the Red Crescent Moon Camel, the gurney rolls away and down the desert, dumping his body off the gurney and onto the desert yet again, where a young boy comes along, and starts to play by scooping buckets of sand over the body. At last, Osama is buried and can rest in peace... or can he?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Achmad and Abdul are two low-level employees at Al Qaeda who uncover a $2 million fraud involving financing of Osama’s hit album sings Elvis that were released after the death of the Infidel producer. Taking their findings to their boss Osama Bin Laden, they are commended for discovering the fraud and invited to Osama's cave the following long weekend, and promised extra virgins.
Unbeknownst to Achmad and Abdul, Osama is behind the fraud and nervously arranges with his
Taliban partners to have them both killed that weekend and arrange it as a murder-suicide. The talibans, however, double cross Osama and change the plan to have Husni murder Osama at his cave house instead, as Osama's reckless greed has made him a liability, in addition to the fact he is having an affair with the Taliban boss Najeed’s girlfriend, Nasmah.. During the dinner Nasmah, slides her sandal off and plays footsie with Osama with her bare foot.
Osama arrives at the cave early, before Achmad and Abdul, and speaks to Husni on the phone.
With the belief that this conversation, is going to become part of Osama’s next video it is recorded. The conversation pointedly mentions Osama's alibi once Husni is supposed to kill the two friends. Osama then writes a confession and plants cash implicating Achmad and Abdul in what Osama thinks will be their later deaths. Husni arrives, kills Osama by injection of Chicken Soup and leaves a Gefilte Fish to appear as an apparent overdose.
Achmad and Abdul arrive at the beach house, find their now dead boss and think he is meditating. While trying to liven him up, they discover the Gefilte Fisht left as evidence by the killer to suggest that Osama overdosed. At this point, guests start arriving for a "floating" party that passes through Osama's house every weekend as he is immensely popular in the cave.
Achmad and Abdul immediately realize that the vast majority of people are too engrossed in their own suicides to notice the "host" and even the few appearing to talk to Osama in passing are too superficial and oblivious to think twice about his apparent lack of response between his eyes concealed behind dark sunglasses and a certain dopey grin from the murderous OD: "you've never looked so relaxed," someone tells him.
Despite the more conniving Achmad's effort to persuade his friend to take advantage of the incredible situation to enjoy the accommodations for at least a while, straitlaced Abdul begins to call the Al Qaeda leaders when he spots the arrival of a Al Qaeda, summer intern Shifa.
Managing to move Osama's body away from the party with Achmad broadly hinting their boss is "dead" drunk, Abdul is finally free to court the hooded Shifa with Achmad's prompting: "Girl, cave, mud, sand, dirt."
After the party has ended, another man from Najeed's gang arrives and has reason to believe Osama is still alive. He immediately calls in this surprising news to Najeed who has Husni check back at the cave the next day. The next morning starts with Achmad playing Monopoly with his dead boss. This game of monopoly is the Tora Bora version.
Abdul gets flustered when Shifa arrives to thank Osama for her summer job . To hide Osama from Shifa, Achmad ends up dropping the corpse off the side of the mountain, unknowingly on top of Husni who was spying from beneath the mountain. At once shocked and provoked by what he thinks is this sudden attack, Husni chokes Osama until he's positive he has no pulse.
Achmad and Abdul finally determine to the Al Qaeda leaders inadvertently press the tape
machine playback of Osama's conversation with Husni alluding to their planned murder, which in turn leads them to discover the cash and note left by Osama framing them. They initially try to leave the cave by camel, dragging Osama draped over their shoulders to look like he's walking between them.
The camel leaves as they arrive at the Hookah cafe and Husni - who is on the Camel - becomes agitated at the sight of Osama running alongside Achmad and Abdul shouting to stop the Camel.
Husni is driven crazy by how two murder attempts on Osama could have failed.
Next, Achmad and Abdul attempt to use Osama's Camel to leave the cave. Neither knows how to ride a Camel, however, and they end up wreaking havoc on various local Camels and merchants.
The Camel soon runs out of cud, and the duo is forced to slide on Osama's back to the cave.
At the house, Shifa confronts Achmad and Abdul to pressure them to tell the truth. They break down and reveal that they had found Osama dead from the start of the weekend. Suddenly Husni returns, thinking Osama is still alive, and blatantly fires six gunshots into Osama in front of Shifa, Achmad, and Abdul. Husni then turns the gun on the others, but he has emptied the chamber. Chasing them with another loaded gun, Husni is caught by surprise when Achmad manages to entangle him with the cord from Osama’s dialysis machine and knock him out.
Al Qaeda eventually arrive to cut off Husni’s hands, chopping them off s he continues to insist Osama is still alive.
As Osama is being loaded onto the Red Crescent Moon Camel, the gurney rolls away and down the desert, dumping his body off the gurney and onto the desert yet again, where a young boy comes along, and starts to play by scooping buckets of sand over the body. At last, Osama is buried and can rest in peace... or can he?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Norton Hears the Who
Apologies to Dr. Seuss
On a hot day in June, from Above Garden came a Tune,
The Arena was cool, The sewer had stool,
He was sloshing.....fixing the sewer’s great clogs,
Was Norton the Sewer Worker Prodding Through all the Bogs.
So Norton stopped plunging, he heard a loud sound.
"That’s funny," said Norton, "I’m deep underground"
Then he heard Guitars blast, as loud as all thunder,
As if a Rock and Roll Band had joined him down under.
"I can’t stand it." cried Norton. "This is not part of the Job.
The advertisement didn’t mention this, they just wanted a slob!"
Then he heard a loud crash, the drums caused a cave in!
"Ralphie Boy," cried Norton, "I may never get out,
arrange for the Raccoons to help me breakout.
This music it’s rotten. It’s no way to go.
The Who up above, me drowning below!
It’s their Generation their talking about,
it’s so loud I’m afraid I will never get out."
"I’m just some poor sewer worker, all dripping in crap
I know that there’s an exit, I know that there’s a trap.
I won’t see Trixie or Ralph again I’m afraid
Something smells rotten down here, I should have Brought some glade.”
Crash went the symbols and Daltry let out a yelp.
He was glad he wasn’t Tommy. He could at least yell for help!
But who would hear Norton, it didn’t compute.
Nobody knew where he was, he was merely a Substitute!
Trixie told me, thought Norton, not to work tonight.
I should have listened he thought, and I shouldn’t have worn white!
I know Ralph will save me, The Raccoons will help him,
but it would have been better had my best friend been slim!
Then suddenly as the cold did make Norton shiver.
He wondered if The Who, would play Swanee River
And just as he thought that his future was clear,
He heard a voice, and it was quite near
Leading the International Loyal order of Raccoons
Was Ralph the Bus Driver, singing Who tunes
The Norton said, “Ralph can I make a suggestion,
The Who will not be the answer to the $64,000 question.”
And just as they entered they went sloshing on through,
To join Trixie and Alice, upstairs watching The Who
On a hot day in June, from Above Garden came a Tune,
The Arena was cool, The sewer had stool,
He was sloshing.....fixing the sewer’s great clogs,
Was Norton the Sewer Worker Prodding Through all the Bogs.
So Norton stopped plunging, he heard a loud sound.
"That’s funny," said Norton, "I’m deep underground"
Then he heard Guitars blast, as loud as all thunder,
As if a Rock and Roll Band had joined him down under.
"I can’t stand it." cried Norton. "This is not part of the Job.
The advertisement didn’t mention this, they just wanted a slob!"
Then he heard a loud crash, the drums caused a cave in!
"Ralphie Boy," cried Norton, "I may never get out,
arrange for the Raccoons to help me breakout.
This music it’s rotten. It’s no way to go.
The Who up above, me drowning below!
It’s their Generation their talking about,
it’s so loud I’m afraid I will never get out."
"I’m just some poor sewer worker, all dripping in crap
I know that there’s an exit, I know that there’s a trap.
I won’t see Trixie or Ralph again I’m afraid
Something smells rotten down here, I should have Brought some glade.”
Crash went the symbols and Daltry let out a yelp.
He was glad he wasn’t Tommy. He could at least yell for help!
But who would hear Norton, it didn’t compute.
Nobody knew where he was, he was merely a Substitute!
Trixie told me, thought Norton, not to work tonight.
I should have listened he thought, and I shouldn’t have worn white!
I know Ralph will save me, The Raccoons will help him,
but it would have been better had my best friend been slim!
Then suddenly as the cold did make Norton shiver.
He wondered if The Who, would play Swanee River
And just as he thought that his future was clear,
He heard a voice, and it was quite near
Leading the International Loyal order of Raccoons
Was Ralph the Bus Driver, singing Who tunes
The Norton said, “Ralph can I make a suggestion,
The Who will not be the answer to the $64,000 question.”
And just as they entered they went sloshing on through,
To join Trixie and Alice, upstairs watching The Who
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Presidential Positioning of Politico Palin
Presidential Prognosticators ponder the prospect for a possible Presidential positioning of Sarah Palin after Mrs. Palin posed the position that the President should face prosecution, because his pet poodle Penelope was perceived to have purchased plenty of prophylactics At a Pittsburgh Planned Parenthood.
Palin’s pathetic posturing does not portend well for her in the Pennsylvania Primary.
“Pennsylvania,’ predicted Palin politico, Peter Puck, ‘probably will be a precursor to predicting Primaries in other Powder keg parts.”
Puck opined that Palin may have pulled open a Pandora ’s Box of Politics.
Palin’s pathetic posturing does not portend well for her in the Pennsylvania Primary.
“Pennsylvania,’ predicted Palin politico, Peter Puck, ‘probably will be a precursor to predicting Primaries in other Powder keg parts.”
Puck opined that Palin may have pulled open a Pandora ’s Box of Politics.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Dr. Seuss's Passover Part 2
To continue our Passover thread
We will follow the route of the unleavened bread
Long ago it was mandated
That this poor soul matzo be castrated.
For in the soup as one recalls
Appear the remnants of his balls
Next we have the bitter Herbs
Oh my Stomach this disturbs
Then the child asks the questions four
As Elijah comes in the open door
“I’m not Elijah, you’re too kind
Your door was open, I’ll rob you blind.”
“I’ll take your Matzo and your wine
Tonight I shall eat mighty fine,
No thank you, no horse radish please
All it does is make me sneeze.”
With that our guest had left our home
And Murray went to use the phone
He first said to Stu,
I know what we have to do,
We’ve no choice my friend,
How much do you have to spend?”
He knew what would change a Jews bad mood
So he ordered in some Chinese Food.
We will follow the route of the unleavened bread
Long ago it was mandated
That this poor soul matzo be castrated.
For in the soup as one recalls
Appear the remnants of his balls
Next we have the bitter Herbs
Oh my Stomach this disturbs
Then the child asks the questions four
As Elijah comes in the open door
“I’m not Elijah, you’re too kind
Your door was open, I’ll rob you blind.”
“I’ll take your Matzo and your wine
Tonight I shall eat mighty fine,
No thank you, no horse radish please
All it does is make me sneeze.”
With that our guest had left our home
And Murray went to use the phone
He first said to Stu,
I know what we have to do,
We’ve no choice my friend,
How much do you have to spend?”
He knew what would change a Jews bad mood
So he ordered in some Chinese Food.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Dr. Seuss's Passover
I cannot eat bread
This feels like lead
I cannot go
My bowels are slow
Oh my god, Please let me know
for eight whole days
The food just lays
I eat a fish that swims in jell
No more Gefilte, I feel like hell
The chicken is boiled
The egg is spoiled
So let me ask question number five
Upon this food, how did we survive?
If I sneak mine to my dog Rover
I might just last one more Passover.
This feels like lead
I cannot go
My bowels are slow
Oh my god, Please let me know
for eight whole days
The food just lays
I eat a fish that swims in jell
No more Gefilte, I feel like hell
The chicken is boiled
The egg is spoiled
So let me ask question number five
Upon this food, how did we survive?
If I sneak mine to my dog Rover
I might just last one more Passover.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The tale of the wild Mondegreen
YOU AND ME AND LESLIE were getting together for dinner. My SLOW COUSIN WALTER had a suggestion, “DONUTS MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE.” Walter and I drank to much and this was MIDNIGHT AFTER I WAS WASTED.
I said “Why don’t we just go home, mom is BAKING CARROT BISCUITS.”
“JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME, BABY. “ Said Leslie in that confusing manner that she had. “THERE’S A BATHROOM ON THE RIGHT.”
Before I could get to the bathroom, THE GIRL WITH COLITIS WENT BY. She could take a while. So I got into a game of billiards. I’M THE POOL HALL ACE.
Walter got a snack. He must have GOT A LOT OF LUCKY PEANUTS, because I played the game of my life.
Leslie left, she had no problem getting home because SHE’S GOT A CHICKEN TO RIDE.
Leslie tried to make me sad, as she left she said “EXCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THIS GUY.”
Leslie or as I like to call her, Miss Beezlebut was often doing things like that. Sometime I believed that Miss BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL FOR A SIDEBOARD.
How would we get home. We had a choice, either the reindeer or the motorcycle. It seems that the reindeer was depresses. It seems that OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAMES. So we took the motorcycle. Since it had no windshield we kept getting hit with bugs. Now, I didn’t MIND DEAD ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS; THEY'RE BLOWIN' IN THE WIND.
When we got home, I went straight to the refrigerator. “WHAT A NICE SURPRISE, WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF ICE!”
Walter’s mom woke up. His father had BEEN KILLED IN A BAR WHEN HE WAS THREE.
She greeted me with a hug.
I said, ‘So ARE YOU GOING TO STARVE AN OLD FRIEND?”
She requested that I play a song while she cooked. I had no desire to play for my food. “SUNDAY MONKEY WON'T PLAY PIANO SONG, PLAY PIANO SONG.”
But she was making my favorite meal, peas! So I played Mondegreen for her.
That night I would SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEAS.
I said “Why don’t we just go home, mom is BAKING CARROT BISCUITS.”
“JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME, BABY. “ Said Leslie in that confusing manner that she had. “THERE’S A BATHROOM ON THE RIGHT.”
Before I could get to the bathroom, THE GIRL WITH COLITIS WENT BY. She could take a while. So I got into a game of billiards. I’M THE POOL HALL ACE.
Walter got a snack. He must have GOT A LOT OF LUCKY PEANUTS, because I played the game of my life.
Leslie left, she had no problem getting home because SHE’S GOT A CHICKEN TO RIDE.
Leslie tried to make me sad, as she left she said “EXCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THIS GUY.”
Leslie or as I like to call her, Miss Beezlebut was often doing things like that. Sometime I believed that Miss BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL FOR A SIDEBOARD.
How would we get home. We had a choice, either the reindeer or the motorcycle. It seems that the reindeer was depresses. It seems that OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAMES. So we took the motorcycle. Since it had no windshield we kept getting hit with bugs. Now, I didn’t MIND DEAD ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS; THEY'RE BLOWIN' IN THE WIND.
When we got home, I went straight to the refrigerator. “WHAT A NICE SURPRISE, WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF ICE!”
Walter’s mom woke up. His father had BEEN KILLED IN A BAR WHEN HE WAS THREE.
She greeted me with a hug.
I said, ‘So ARE YOU GOING TO STARVE AN OLD FRIEND?”
She requested that I play a song while she cooked. I had no desire to play for my food. “SUNDAY MONKEY WON'T PLAY PIANO SONG, PLAY PIANO SONG.”
But she was making my favorite meal, peas! So I played Mondegreen for her.
That night I would SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEAS.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Dear Speaker Gingrich
It’s no secret that the Republicans want the White House Back in 2012.
This is a transcript of a recent Republican strategy meeting
With apologies to Sondheim and Bernstein, sung to the tune of Officer Krupke
Dear lovely Right Wing Annie,
I need for you to speak,
He's kicked us in the fanny
The outcome sure looks bleak.
Sarah called him lefty,
Of hope we bereft.
Annie Coulter, what have we got left!
Reps
Gee, Barack Obama, you’ve really made us fools;
We never thought we’d lose to the party of mules.
We resorted to defamation,
This time it didn’t work.
To the voters we are really Jerks!
Newt
We are Jerks!
Reps
We are Jerks, we are Jerks,
You see that nothing works!
We need help, cause nothing really works!
Rove: (Spoken) It’s too early to give up.
Newt: (Spoken) Who shall I turn to?
Rove: Just tell it to Hannity.
Newt
Dear Right wing, Mr. Hannity,
The Press is so unfair.
With such a left wing bias,
I haven’t got a Prayer.
The far right is too pious,
Now my campaign is a flop.
My friend, Sean! This has got to stop!
Sean: Right!
Mr. Speaker Gingrich, are you kidding me?
Just keep avoiding issues, and they’ll plainly see!
That he’s just a socialist with terrorist ties.
Don’t tell the truth, keep telling them the lies!
Newt
Keep telling lies!
Reps
We will lie, we will lie,
Tell a bold faced lie,
Like the great O’Reilly we will Lie.
Sean: (Spoken) In the opinion of the self proclaimed judge of who is a Great American, you are a Great American.
Newt: (Spoken) Hey, I got Hannity’s endorsement.
Rove: So take him to O’Reilly.
Newt (Sings)
I can’t play family values, it isn’t gonna work,
My campaign is in trouble.
The New Speaker is a jerk,
He’ll leave us in the rubble.
The voters are berserk,
My friend Bill O. tell me what will work?
O’Reilly: Yes!
Dear Mr. Speaker, just follow my lead.
You choose Governor Palin, now tell her go breed.
Remember we’re Fair at Fox,
And if all else fails we’ll stuff the Ballot Box!
Newt
We’ll stuff the Box!
Reps
We’ll stuff the Box, we’ll stuff the Ballet Box,
We’ll stuff the Box, Box, Box,
We’ll listen to them all at Fox!
Rove: In my opinion, this President won't need get a second team. Go ask Rush!
Newt: Hey, I’m going to Rush!
Newt
Dear omniscient right wing leader,
They say I’m in the dump. I sent Sarah to the breeder,
Just to get a bump.
I’ll concentrate on swing states,
That’s what all agreed.
Ronald Reagan! Please don’t make me plead!
Rush:
Mr. Speaker, just stick to the right.
I guarantee, my friend that he won’t put up a fight.
You should have listened to me, cause you knew where I stood;
Just try to convince them he is from the Hood!
Newt
He’s from the hood!
Reps
He’s from the hood, he’s from the hood!
Not our neighborhood!
Different from us, we are good!
Annie
The trouble is he's lefty.
Sean
He’s not good at being untruthful.
Rush
The trouble is he's not hefty.
Bill-O
He’s also far from youthful.
Annie
The trouble is he's failin’.
Rove
So next time we’ll run Palin.
All
Mr. Speaker, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Speaker Gingrich,
You’ve blown your last chance,
It might have helped, had you known a little ‘bout finance.
Gee, Speaker Gingrich, We’re done with you now.
Gee, Speaker Gingrich,
Just say chow!
This is a transcript of a recent Republican strategy meeting
With apologies to Sondheim and Bernstein, sung to the tune of Officer Krupke
Dear lovely Right Wing Annie,
I need for you to speak,
He's kicked us in the fanny
The outcome sure looks bleak.
Sarah called him lefty,
Of hope we bereft.
Annie Coulter, what have we got left!
Reps
Gee, Barack Obama, you’ve really made us fools;
We never thought we’d lose to the party of mules.
We resorted to defamation,
This time it didn’t work.
To the voters we are really Jerks!
Newt
We are Jerks!
Reps
We are Jerks, we are Jerks,
You see that nothing works!
We need help, cause nothing really works!
Rove: (Spoken) It’s too early to give up.
Newt: (Spoken) Who shall I turn to?
Rove: Just tell it to Hannity.
Newt
Dear Right wing, Mr. Hannity,
The Press is so unfair.
With such a left wing bias,
I haven’t got a Prayer.
The far right is too pious,
Now my campaign is a flop.
My friend, Sean! This has got to stop!
Sean: Right!
Mr. Speaker Gingrich, are you kidding me?
Just keep avoiding issues, and they’ll plainly see!
That he’s just a socialist with terrorist ties.
Don’t tell the truth, keep telling them the lies!
Newt
Keep telling lies!
Reps
We will lie, we will lie,
Tell a bold faced lie,
Like the great O’Reilly we will Lie.
Sean: (Spoken) In the opinion of the self proclaimed judge of who is a Great American, you are a Great American.
Newt: (Spoken) Hey, I got Hannity’s endorsement.
Rove: So take him to O’Reilly.
Newt (Sings)
I can’t play family values, it isn’t gonna work,
My campaign is in trouble.
The New Speaker is a jerk,
He’ll leave us in the rubble.
The voters are berserk,
My friend Bill O. tell me what will work?
O’Reilly: Yes!
Dear Mr. Speaker, just follow my lead.
You choose Governor Palin, now tell her go breed.
Remember we’re Fair at Fox,
And if all else fails we’ll stuff the Ballot Box!
Newt
We’ll stuff the Box!
Reps
We’ll stuff the Box, we’ll stuff the Ballet Box,
We’ll stuff the Box, Box, Box,
We’ll listen to them all at Fox!
Rove: In my opinion, this President won't need get a second team. Go ask Rush!
Newt: Hey, I’m going to Rush!
Newt
Dear omniscient right wing leader,
They say I’m in the dump. I sent Sarah to the breeder,
Just to get a bump.
I’ll concentrate on swing states,
That’s what all agreed.
Ronald Reagan! Please don’t make me plead!
Rush:
Mr. Speaker, just stick to the right.
I guarantee, my friend that he won’t put up a fight.
You should have listened to me, cause you knew where I stood;
Just try to convince them he is from the Hood!
Newt
He’s from the hood!
Reps
He’s from the hood, he’s from the hood!
Not our neighborhood!
Different from us, we are good!
Annie
The trouble is he's lefty.
Sean
He’s not good at being untruthful.
Rush
The trouble is he's not hefty.
Bill-O
He’s also far from youthful.
Annie
The trouble is he's failin’.
Rove
So next time we’ll run Palin.
All
Mr. Speaker, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Speaker Gingrich,
You’ve blown your last chance,
It might have helped, had you known a little ‘bout finance.
Gee, Speaker Gingrich, We’re done with you now.
Gee, Speaker Gingrich,
Just say chow!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My Favorite Things
Old men in speedos, and laps girls can't fit in
remember those days when you only had one chin
Hair rapped around the head, like an old string
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored front teeth, and bottles of ex lax
Odd Smells and Bad Spells, and problems with Death Tax
Plumber's pants that show off your underwear stings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in short dresses, for whom you buy Beers
Strange hairs that grows from your nose and your ears
Your old friends have changed they are voting right wing
These are a few of my favorite things
When the wife yells
When you in law sings
When stripes don't go with plaid
I simply remember my favorite things
Then I don't feel so Bad.
remember those days when you only had one chin
Hair rapped around the head, like an old string
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored front teeth, and bottles of ex lax
Odd Smells and Bad Spells, and problems with Death Tax
Plumber's pants that show off your underwear stings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in short dresses, for whom you buy Beers
Strange hairs that grows from your nose and your ears
Your old friends have changed they are voting right wing
These are a few of my favorite things
When the wife yells
When you in law sings
When stripes don't go with plaid
I simply remember my favorite things
Then I don't feel so Bad.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Ron Paul's Campaign Song
Apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian.
I know we shouldn't pay for Education or Librarians.
I know the Representatives and find them all hysterical.
From Barney Frank to Boehmer, I think them all quite Comical.
I very well acquainted too with matters economical
I can quote you from supply side to Reagan's fantaphysical.
With leaders of the tea party I vote for Reds and not the Blues.
If elected it will be a crime to collect the Union’s dues.
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
I’m really quite familiar with matters that are agrarian.
Keep your fat ass off my lawn I’ll repeat til I’m an Octogenarian.
In fact in matters economic, political and social I am the very model of a modern Libertarian
In fact in matters economic, political and social He is the very model of a modern Libertarian
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian.
I know we shouldn't pay for Education or Librarians.
I know the Representatives and find them all hysterical.
From Barney Frank to Boehmer, I think them all quite Comical.
I very well acquainted too with matters economical
I can quote you from supply side to Reagan's fantaphysical.
With leaders of the tea party I vote for Reds and not the Blues.
If elected it will be a crime to collect the Union’s dues.
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
I’m really quite familiar with matters that are agrarian.
Keep your fat ass off my lawn I’ll repeat til I’m an Octogenarian.
In fact in matters economic, political and social I am the very model of a modern Libertarian
In fact in matters economic, political and social He is the very model of a modern Libertarian
Monday, February 28, 2011
My Jewish Journey-or- The Road less traveled.
My Cousin was asked by his Temple to describe his Jewish Journey. He wrote a very compelling speech
I am eight years younger than my cousin, so although some of our experiences were the same, I just don’t remember them. I am the youngest of three. My sister is six years older them me, my brother 4 ½. My first home was above my father’s store in Woodhaven, NY.
Family legend tells of how my brother and sister, being the only Jewish children in the neighborhood were also the only children not invited to birthday parties. It isn’t something that I experienced. When I was 9 months old, my parents moved the family to a new neighborhood in southern queens, built upon a swamp. The neighborhood was Howard Beach. The community that we lived in was Lindenwood.
Lindenwood had to be 95% Jewish. I was aware that there was a world outside, because my Dad owned a combination Toy Store and Sporting Goods Store. So on December 24, four days before my birthday, Dad would be working until midnight, assembling Bicycles.
In 1960, I entered Kindergarten, at the same time the first Catholic President was about to be elected. I naturally thought that the rest were Jewish.
My parents, wanting their children to have the proper Religious training, sent us to the Ozone Park Jewish Center. Ozone Park was an Orthodox Temple. There I learned how to avoid the left hook of the Rabbi. Seriously, he never raised a finger to me, because my Dad had become the Vice President of the Temple.
Dad’s position as VP was very odd. He never liked organized religion, never went to Temple. As a matter of fact there was never a Friday that he didn’t work late, nor a Saturday when he wasn’t in early. He was offered the Presidency, but turned it down, because he felt that someone with stronger Religious beliefs should hold that position, not a man who was just there for his business savvy.
I was a lazy kid. Although I could read Hebrew, I had watched those who were Bar Mitzvahed before me, and couldn’t read Hebrew, the Rabbi, in addition to a one-two combination, would give them a transliterated copy of their Torah reading. So I faked that I couldn’t read Hebrew.
There at thirteen, except for the weekly Bar Mitzvahs of my friends, my Religious training had ended. At the same time, I was ending the time that I would be attending school in Howard Beach and Ozone Park.
I was an underachiever. My belief was, “don’t do today, what you can put off until tomorrow.” I fooled my teachers, but not my parents. I was taken out of the public schools to attend The Parkway School and later it’s associated High School, The Highland Preparatory School in Jamaica Estates, Queens. I was a preppie!!
Although Highland was not a Religious school. I would estimate that 70-80 % of the students were Jewish. That was never more evident than in Athletics. They grow us rather small in stature. When I graduated I was the tallest in my class. I was 6 feet 2 inches tall. Because of my stature, the Coach was always asking me to join the Basketball team. I wasn’t very good. To this day, I can’t figure out how to bounce a ball and run at the same time. I did finally relent. I lasted 1 week. That was my varsity career.
Back home in Howard Beach, my friends and I would venture into Ozone Park to play ball. Where about once a year the local thugs would pelt us with rocks to get us to return to the Jewish neighborhood. Once we were chased with torches, once I had a knife pulled on me. This combined with the massacre at the 1972 Olympics, started me to realize how important it is to maintain the religion, even if I was only capable of doing it for pride and not for religious reasons. You see, I’ve always questioned the existence of an invisible man in the sky. I don’t deny that it is possible, so you wouldn’t call me an atheist. I guess that you could call me a reformed agnostic.
During my senior year of High School we moved from Howard Beach to Massapequa (known as Matzoh Pizza, because of its predominantly Jewish and Italian population).
From there I went to the University of Bridgeport, a place where many Jewish boys and girls from Long Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts spend four years. I traveled to Europe the summer of 1976, where for the first time in my life, I was subject to anti-Semitic comments from people that I knew.
I had a job as a stock boy in a suburb of London, when a coworker, who I had come to like made the following declaration, “The only group of people that I don’t like are Jews. Are there any Jews in New York?” To say that he wasn’t worldly would be an understatement.
That same summer, terrorist hijacked an French airliner, on its way to Israel, and took the hostages to Uganda. The Israelis made a daring rescue of the hostages and my Jewish pride.
Later that year, back in Bridgeport, a “friend” of mine, said to another friend of mine, that “All Jews should be put in ovens.” For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself as a Jew.
My education was about to change. I was going to Law School. So where in 1978, does a good Jewish boy from Queens go to Law School? St. John’s University, of course. Here classes would be held n Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, but not on All Saints Day. There was a whole world out there.
As years would go on, something strange would happen, I’d become my Dad. I’d have no Religious beliefs, (I now refer to myself as a “Jew for Jeter.”) but I’d have incredible pride in my Religion. Jewish achievements would become paramount in the now informal part of my Education. The baseball books that I’d read would be about Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax. I’d watch Woody Allen and Mel Brooks and look forward to the hysterical use of Yiddish.
When it was time to get married, I found a Jewish Girl. The world had embraced me.
I now write for a hobby. I do it with a Yiddish dictionary on my desk. The use of a good “Putz” or “Meshugana” is as important as the words Hebrew National on my hot dog wrapper.
I started doing that one day when I wrote a parody of a Dr. Seuss story, called Eggs, but no Ham
Eggs But No Ham
I love the writing of Dr. Seuss. I also love the use of Yiddish. So with the help of a copy of Green Eggs and Ham and a Yiddish/English Dictionary, I present the story of Schwartz-I-Am.
__________________________________________
Apologies to Dr. Seuss
Would you like
that piece of ham?
I can not eat Ham,
for Schwartz-I-am
I was circumcised at eight days old,
and ever since then, I’’ve done what I’’m told.
Would you try it
just this once?
No I think that I’’ll stick to
my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.
I will not eat that piece of Ham,
Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.
But I’’d like to, said
Schwartz-I-am.
I’’m sorry you can’’t eat
a slice of Ham.
How about a can of Spam?
Nobody wants Spam in a can.
Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.
I will not eat it
when I Pray.
I will not eat it
at the end of day
A Jew won’’t eat Spam in a can
I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am
Would you try it in the Shul?
Would you eat it with a Fool?
Would you get this through you head.
I cannot eat food that’’s ill-bred!
I will not eat them in a Shul.
Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!
The animal must chew its Cud.
So I guess your party is just a Dud.
To a boy named Murray such is banned.
I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.
Would you eat them
in the Temple?
Please come here and
try a sample!
I will not eat them in the Temple.
What’’s your problem are you really that simple.
I will not eat it from a box.
I’’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.
You see this Beanie upon my head.
It’’s just not the way that I was Bred.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
Could you just this
once try a Shrimp?
A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!
Not even with that Shiske Sweet!
I would not, could not, eat his food.
I could not, would not, I’’m not being rude.
I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.
My Mother may catch me, I won’’t take the risk.
A Cheeseburger, I’’ve never had.
Not even as a Little Lad.
I will not date that Shikse Pam. Although, I’’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.
But,
Nobody will know,
There’’s no one to show
Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.
I would not, could not,
even with Moe
Would you, could you,
on the Sabbath?
I would not, could not, on the Sabbath
Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.
Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.
I cannot eat this what you serve,
So you’’ll have more left in reserve.
Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?
You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!
Now listen while I tell you just one last time,
for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.
I will not eat a slice of Ham.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam
I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.
I got comments. Both negative and positive from people all over the country. I had found my inner Jew.
I am eight years younger than my cousin, so although some of our experiences were the same, I just don’t remember them. I am the youngest of three. My sister is six years older them me, my brother 4 ½. My first home was above my father’s store in Woodhaven, NY.
Family legend tells of how my brother and sister, being the only Jewish children in the neighborhood were also the only children not invited to birthday parties. It isn’t something that I experienced. When I was 9 months old, my parents moved the family to a new neighborhood in southern queens, built upon a swamp. The neighborhood was Howard Beach. The community that we lived in was Lindenwood.
Lindenwood had to be 95% Jewish. I was aware that there was a world outside, because my Dad owned a combination Toy Store and Sporting Goods Store. So on December 24, four days before my birthday, Dad would be working until midnight, assembling Bicycles.
In 1960, I entered Kindergarten, at the same time the first Catholic President was about to be elected. I naturally thought that the rest were Jewish.
My parents, wanting their children to have the proper Religious training, sent us to the Ozone Park Jewish Center. Ozone Park was an Orthodox Temple. There I learned how to avoid the left hook of the Rabbi. Seriously, he never raised a finger to me, because my Dad had become the Vice President of the Temple.
Dad’s position as VP was very odd. He never liked organized religion, never went to Temple. As a matter of fact there was never a Friday that he didn’t work late, nor a Saturday when he wasn’t in early. He was offered the Presidency, but turned it down, because he felt that someone with stronger Religious beliefs should hold that position, not a man who was just there for his business savvy.
I was a lazy kid. Although I could read Hebrew, I had watched those who were Bar Mitzvahed before me, and couldn’t read Hebrew, the Rabbi, in addition to a one-two combination, would give them a transliterated copy of their Torah reading. So I faked that I couldn’t read Hebrew.
There at thirteen, except for the weekly Bar Mitzvahs of my friends, my Religious training had ended. At the same time, I was ending the time that I would be attending school in Howard Beach and Ozone Park.
I was an underachiever. My belief was, “don’t do today, what you can put off until tomorrow.” I fooled my teachers, but not my parents. I was taken out of the public schools to attend The Parkway School and later it’s associated High School, The Highland Preparatory School in Jamaica Estates, Queens. I was a preppie!!
Although Highland was not a Religious school. I would estimate that 70-80 % of the students were Jewish. That was never more evident than in Athletics. They grow us rather small in stature. When I graduated I was the tallest in my class. I was 6 feet 2 inches tall. Because of my stature, the Coach was always asking me to join the Basketball team. I wasn’t very good. To this day, I can’t figure out how to bounce a ball and run at the same time. I did finally relent. I lasted 1 week. That was my varsity career.
Back home in Howard Beach, my friends and I would venture into Ozone Park to play ball. Where about once a year the local thugs would pelt us with rocks to get us to return to the Jewish neighborhood. Once we were chased with torches, once I had a knife pulled on me. This combined with the massacre at the 1972 Olympics, started me to realize how important it is to maintain the religion, even if I was only capable of doing it for pride and not for religious reasons. You see, I’ve always questioned the existence of an invisible man in the sky. I don’t deny that it is possible, so you wouldn’t call me an atheist. I guess that you could call me a reformed agnostic.
During my senior year of High School we moved from Howard Beach to Massapequa (known as Matzoh Pizza, because of its predominantly Jewish and Italian population).
From there I went to the University of Bridgeport, a place where many Jewish boys and girls from Long Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts spend four years. I traveled to Europe the summer of 1976, where for the first time in my life, I was subject to anti-Semitic comments from people that I knew.
I had a job as a stock boy in a suburb of London, when a coworker, who I had come to like made the following declaration, “The only group of people that I don’t like are Jews. Are there any Jews in New York?” To say that he wasn’t worldly would be an understatement.
That same summer, terrorist hijacked an French airliner, on its way to Israel, and took the hostages to Uganda. The Israelis made a daring rescue of the hostages and my Jewish pride.
Later that year, back in Bridgeport, a “friend” of mine, said to another friend of mine, that “All Jews should be put in ovens.” For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself as a Jew.
My education was about to change. I was going to Law School. So where in 1978, does a good Jewish boy from Queens go to Law School? St. John’s University, of course. Here classes would be held n Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, but not on All Saints Day. There was a whole world out there.
As years would go on, something strange would happen, I’d become my Dad. I’d have no Religious beliefs, (I now refer to myself as a “Jew for Jeter.”) but I’d have incredible pride in my Religion. Jewish achievements would become paramount in the now informal part of my Education. The baseball books that I’d read would be about Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax. I’d watch Woody Allen and Mel Brooks and look forward to the hysterical use of Yiddish.
When it was time to get married, I found a Jewish Girl. The world had embraced me.
I now write for a hobby. I do it with a Yiddish dictionary on my desk. The use of a good “Putz” or “Meshugana” is as important as the words Hebrew National on my hot dog wrapper.
I started doing that one day when I wrote a parody of a Dr. Seuss story, called Eggs, but no Ham
Eggs But No Ham
I love the writing of Dr. Seuss. I also love the use of Yiddish. So with the help of a copy of Green Eggs and Ham and a Yiddish/English Dictionary, I present the story of Schwartz-I-Am.
__________________________________________
Apologies to Dr. Seuss
Would you like
that piece of ham?
I can not eat Ham,
for Schwartz-I-am
I was circumcised at eight days old,
and ever since then, I’’ve done what I’’m told.
Would you try it
just this once?
No I think that I’’ll stick to
my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.
I will not eat that piece of Ham,
Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.
But I’’d like to, said
Schwartz-I-am.
I’’m sorry you can’’t eat
a slice of Ham.
How about a can of Spam?
Nobody wants Spam in a can.
Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.
I will not eat it
when I Pray.
I will not eat it
at the end of day
A Jew won’’t eat Spam in a can
I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am
Would you try it in the Shul?
Would you eat it with a Fool?
Would you get this through you head.
I cannot eat food that’’s ill-bred!
I will not eat them in a Shul.
Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!
The animal must chew its Cud.
So I guess your party is just a Dud.
To a boy named Murray such is banned.
I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.
Would you eat them
in the Temple?
Please come here and
try a sample!
I will not eat them in the Temple.
What’’s your problem are you really that simple.
I will not eat it from a box.
I’’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.
You see this Beanie upon my head.
It’’s just not the way that I was Bred.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
Could you just this
once try a Shrimp?
A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!
Not even with that Shiske Sweet!
I would not, could not, eat his food.
I could not, would not, I’’m not being rude.
I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.
My Mother may catch me, I won’’t take the risk.
A Cheeseburger, I’’ve never had.
Not even as a Little Lad.
I will not date that Shikse Pam. Although, I’’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.
But,
Nobody will know,
There’’s no one to show
Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.
I would not, could not,
even with Moe
Would you, could you,
on the Sabbath?
I would not, could not, on the Sabbath
Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.
Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.
I cannot eat this what you serve,
So you’’ll have more left in reserve.
Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?
You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!
Now listen while I tell you just one last time,
for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.
I will not eat a slice of Ham.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam
I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.
I got comments. Both negative and positive from people all over the country. I had found my inner Jew.
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