God's Conversation with David

God: David, please come here, I'd like to speak to you about a small problem.

David: Very funny God, why do you have to use the word small?

God: Just a little heavenly humor. Michelangelo says that you've been giving him a hard time again. What's that all about?

David: Enough with the heavenly humor, do you have to use the word hard? You see how he sculpted me. You made me, you know that it's not true.

God: What difference does that make. Do you have to shoot at him with your slingshot? I don't know what to do with you.

David: Why don't you ask Solomon for advise? He's always been your favorite.

God: Would you cut out that jealousy stuff. Anyhow I did ask him and what he suggested was impractical.

David: What was that?

God: He said that we should cut you in half. That man hasn't had an original idea in 3,500 years. I still don't understand the problem.

David: I can't get a date. All of the women think that Michelangelo's sculpture was true to proportion.

God: But you're married. What about Bathsheba?

David: She left me. She couldn't take the kidding from the other women.

God: What did they say?

David: Oh, Mary Magdalen said that "That looks like a Penis only smaller."

God: Well she would know. Clearly someone will date you.

David: Rahab will, but you know that if you pay her enough she'll date anyone.

God's Will

God had heard enough. All he ever heard was “God’s will.” He decided that it was finally time that he actually wrote a will.

How would he go about such a venture? There was a lot that he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t really a citizen of any one country. Where would he go? He first thought about Israel. Then he realized all the controversy that this would cause. He remembered that he had once said that “The Jews were the chosen people.” He thought that it was time that he stopped choosing them.

He was leaning towards the United States, but two things concerned him:

1) What was all this clamoring he heard about a Death Tax? Those nice Republicans keep trying to get this repealed. He didn’t have much in the way of assets, but he didn’t want the Government to get them. In fact his entire estate consisted of An Ark, Two tablets, a Grail and a couple of million Dollars in a Swiss Bank Account.

2) He was concerned that he would be considered an illegal Alien. How would Lou Dobbs react?

He decided to seek the advise of the famous New York Probate Attorney Benny Ficiary.

Benny: Can I have your name please sir?

God: I’m God.

Benny: What is your family name?

God: I’m God, that’s my entire name.

Benny: So you’‘re like Madonna. You only have one name. Any aliases?

God: Many, Lord, Jehovah , Hashem. Shall I go on?

Benny: Have you any thought how you wanted to leave your assets?

God: I think it would be easier if we listed who among my children I’d like to disinherit. First of all the thin crackpot lady with the long neck. She’s always telling people how they should live their lives and what I want. I’ll let people know what I want.

And that phony Minister, who said that terrible Hurricane and those attacks in New York were my way of punishing sinners. You know what, I’ll give his share to a Lesbian, Jewish, Feminist member of the ACLU. That would show him.

Now what about this death tax?

Benny: It’s not really called a death tax. It’s called an Estate Tax. It doesn’t really effect you. This year there is no Estate Tax for 2010. After that Congress will have to decide.

God: So it doesn’t really effect me then.

Benny: No. The problem that I see is that you’re an illegal alien. We should first work on getting you a green card. When was the last time that you worked?

God: I created the heavens and the earth.

Benny: Nothing more recent? Can you get a job? Starbucks is looking.

God: That’s not a bad idea. I do need insurance and I understand that they cover all employees.

Benny; How about your family. Do you have any children?

God: Just one son. But he never calls, he never writes.

Benny: What's the boy's name.

God: Christ.

Benny: Any other relatives?

God: I have a sister. I'm not very fond of her, but she is the boy's aunt.

Benny: What's her name.

God: We just call her the Auntie Christ.