I need an After Life!

"The day of the Rapture is upon us" Harvey said to his wife upon wakening. He realized this by the strange color of the sky.

He felt that he had nothing to worry about, after all, he and Betty had led good lives. Surely those fundamentalists could not be right. There had to be a place for the Jews in Heaven. So they followed the crowd and boarded the SST. That was strange. "Why would God need an SST?" When the stewardess spoke, he knew that he was in trouble.

"Please buckle your seat belts as we prepare for takeoff on your flight to Enron Heaven. To some of you, this will be a stopover to other destinations. Don’t worry about your luggage, it won’t be needed in either place."

"Enron Heaven, my God, have they sold the naming rights to Heaven?" Harvey asked.

"Yes, a short time ago, God took Heaven public," explained the stewardess, "then just last week, Henry Ford was able to accumulate enough shares in a hostile takeover to force God out."

"Henry Ford, Betty we don’t stand a chance!"

"And what about God?" Henry asked , "What happened to him?"

" I understand that he was treated very well. He left with an enormous Golden Parachute."

"This is your pilot, Major Charles Lindbergh, speaking." A voice said from above.

The pilot went through the normal flight speech, but Harvey could hear nothing, all he kept thinking was Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh. Could it be any worse?

As they landed in Father Coughlin airport in Enron Heaven, they were immediately led to a room with a Jewish star on the door. The room was crowded, but he did recognize a few people. "Betty look, that’s Groucho Marx, talking to Hank Greenberg." At that moment a man approached a microphone.

"As you are aware, our leader, Mr. Ford, has commenced cleaning up the methods of the prior management. Therefore, we feel that the people in this room would be happier in a warmer climate."

With that all of the occupants of the room were led to another Jet. Just as Harvey was about to ask what this new destination was. He was handed a brochure. Hades- 2008. The cover said escape from the boring drudgeries of Heaven. Spend your next vacation in Hell.

It didn’t sound too bad. Harvey looked through the brochure for a Hotel room. There were four hotels that stood out, The Hades Hilton, The River Styx Ramada, Damien’s Diplomat and Satan’s Sheraton. He decided that they would try the Hades Hilton.

They arrived at the front desk. "What can I do for you?" Asked the clerk.

"My name is Shapiro, I’d like a room."

"I’m sorry there isn’t a room in the hotel. For that matter, I understand that hell is completely booked."

"Wait a minute, I just heard that woman on the telephone, say that there are plenty of rooms."

"I think that you should leave."

Harvey realized, what had happened. Hell was restricted. He was a man without an afterlife,

They left the HIlton. Not knowing where to go they took the bus to Purgatory.

When the bus arrived at Purgatory, they immediately took notice of how lush the landscape was. They asked the first person that they saw for an explanation. He explained "This was once a barren desert. After we were chased from Heaven and not allowed in Hell, we settled here to make this our homeland. We have taken a desert and made it into an oasis."

The Laws of Gravity

The New York Times, June 27, 2010

It appears that the Democrats may not have enough votes to overturn the Republican Filibuster threatened on Bill 846, The Laws of Gravity.

At the hearing today, Senator Windbag rose to his feet, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is important legislation that I propose today." The Democrat from New York said. "Imagine the state of the universe if we don't extend The Law of Gravity."

"I do protest, Sir. My dear friend is trying to drop this legislation in our lap." Responded Senator Cracker of South Carolina. "With such legislation, how is the South to rise again?"

Outside of the Capitol Building, Tea Party Protesters, led by Representative Shitforbrains of Minnesota and ex-Governor Pileon of Alaska could be heard as they floated by the majestic building.

The Laws of Gravity, passed by The Congress in 1848 are due to expire in 2012. Republicans led by Senator Cracker are threatening a filibuster, claiming that that Gravity has proven to be too costly.

Senator Altacocker of Arizona added, "By not extending this legislation, we could easily solve our immigration problem."

President Aretheyforreal stated, "It's time for us to keep two feet on the ground. Because it is unclear how much longer we will be able to do so."

To be a Curmudgeon, or not to be a Curmudgeon that is the question.

Do I return to my curmudgeon days? I’ve been asked not to let the curmudgeon die. Frankly it has always been an essential part of my personality. I decided to sleep on it, while doing so I had what I thought was an interesting dream.

As I dozed off, I met by a man. It’s a face that I recognize, my god its Rod Serling.

Serling: You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.

Jello: Alright, cut the nonsense, where am I?

Serling: You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone





Jello: Twilight? You’re early it's midnight.

Serling: Look, it’s a dream, play along. You will enter three rooms. There will be a guide in each room to take you to a sage. You decide who is the sage. Only one sage has the right answer. Choose your door.



Being very pragmatic, I choose door number 1. I’m met by a guide. A man I recognize in a Yankee Uniform. The ultimate Curmudgeon, Thurman Munson.

Jello: Thurman, what are you doing here?

Thurman: I don’t talk to writers.

Jello: But, you’re my guide.

Thurman: Alright, I’ll make an exception but, don’t tell anyone. I’m to take you to the Sage of Baseball past.

Jello: Thurman, is this heaven.

Thurman: It might be they don’t allow owners.

Jello: Who are those two guys on the floor.

Thurman: Oh, that’s Cap Anson and Ty Cobb. Their bigoted comments finally ticked off Jackie Robinson and Hank Greenberg enough.

Jello: Where are you taking me?

Thurman: To meet Mickey.

We pass by some tremendous lines. There was Babe Ruth giving away Hot Dogs, a headless Ted Williams teaching hitting. (Those damn kids and their cryogenitcs.) It seemed that it was visiting day so the second longest line was for Joe Dimaggio. Everyone thought that Marilyn would be there.

Then we came to the longest line, It had to be Mickey. Yup, he was signing autographs. After waiting an interminable length of time and getting an autograph, I asked Mickey should I remain a curmudgeon?

Mickey said in that famous Oklahoma drawl, I don’t know kid what’s a curmudgeon? Clearly that was not the right door!





On to door number 2. I’m met at that door by a very familiar face, wearing a red wig and a top hat.

Jello: Harpo! Where am I?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: Oh the hall of great comedy! Well you know who I’m here to see.

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: Oh, he’s taping. Could you get me on the show?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: By the way aren’t those two guys in Baseball Uniforms in the wrong place?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: Oh! I didn’t recognize Abbott and Costello, wow they have to get a life! Oops, sorry I forgot where I am.

Harpo, is that who I think?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: W.C. Fields, I must speak to him, he’s close to the ultimate curmudgeon!

Jello: W.C. should I remain a curmudgeon?

W.C.: Get away from me kid you bother me.

We now enter a studio, a studio of a different time and place. We have entered the Groucho Zone. This is a lifelong dream, I’m even willing to put up with the cigar.

Groucho: Welcome to "You Bet Your Life," say the secret word and the duck will come down and give you each fifty dollars. It's something you see every day... Now, you are... Marc and Harpo Marx. Are you married?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Groucho: Is that Marc Marx?

Marc: No Groucho. I came to ask you a question. Telephone, sink, bathtub.

Groucho: I'll ask the questions around here! Unless you want to give me fifty dollars. Anyway, you're a delightful couple and I'd love to go on talking to both of you, but it's time to play the game. Fenneman? Explain the rules.

FENNEMAN: The object is to answer four questions in a row correctly. Two incorrect answers in a row and you're out. Answer four in a row correctly and you get to come back and try for five or ten thousand dollars. The categories are "Geography," "Art and Artists," "Movies and Movie Stars," "War and Warriors," and "General Information.".

Jello: Groucho, I don’t have time. I’m going to wake up soon. Couch, Toilet, Stove. Should I remain a curmudgeon?

Groucho: My belief is if you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone go ahead and say it!

Jello: Groucho, this is heaven. Dishwasher, dresser, sink. You can’t still believe that!

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Groucho: Scram, you can leave in a Taxi, if you can’t get a Taxi, you can leave in a Huff. If’s that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a Huff!



Disappointed, I’m on to door number 3.


A bespeckled familiar face greets me. It’s Buddy Holly!

Jello: Buddy, it’s great to meet you.

Buddy: Oh, Boy!

Jello: Are you the guide?

Buddy: Everyday.

Jello: You know where I want to go.

Buddy: Maybe, Baby.

Jello: Come on. Take me to see John.

Buddy: Rave On.

We take a Taxi, driven by Harry Chapin, past the Dock of the Bay. We see Marvin Gaye trying to teach some raisins to sing. Elvis is trying to leave the building, but he’s so fat he can’t get through the door. Then I see them. George and John. They’re in a deep conversation.

George: John look where we are, I was right, you have to change the words!

John: I can’t change the words, It will spoil the meter. It doesn’t sound right..."Imagine, there's a heaven."


This goes on and on until I have to leave. On my way out I bump into Rick Nelson. What the hell, I’ll ask him.

Jello: Rick, should I remain a curmudgeon?

Rick: You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself!

I don't think that I have Allodoxaphobia

I don't think that I have Allodoxaphobia, but I'm afraid that I can't make up my mind. I can't remember if I have Amnesiphobia. My wife cured me of Anuptaphobia.

I don't have Chorophobia. I just have no rhythm. I wouldn't be writing this if I had Cyberphobia.

I can't decide if I have Decidophobia. I don't have Ephebiaphobia, I just find teenagers obnoxious. I'm embarrassed, I may have Ereuthrophobia.

Did you know that there is a word Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia?

I pity the poor man who has Ithyphallophobia.

What kind of Lawyer would I be if I had Liticaphobia.

Can you imagine the poor person who has both Medorthophobia and Megalophobia?

I'm going to sleep on it and I'll tell you in the morning if I have Oneirophobia.

Oprah Winfrey doesn't have Porphyrophobia.

This post is evidence that I don't have Sesquipedalophobia.

And somebody must have Phobophobia. There wouldn't be a world otherwise.

Sarah Palin- A Musical- Scene 1

Our story begins with Sarah Palin perched in a mansion in Alaska in Spring 2010. The action descends to Montana where Dick, the Former Vice President of the US, is plotting his future, where he suddenly realizes that his best chance is to have somebody sympathetic to him in the White House

(To The Tune of Chim Chiminey)

[Dick:]
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be

Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for you!
Wealth will seep down if
you let me Drill through
I’ll Drill off the Gulf coast
You’ll make money too

Now as the matter of fact
I’ve got riches ample
I want to keep it that way
So no soil sample

Though I spend my time now
Maligning The President
If my strategy works
There’ll be a new resident

Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be


Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for you!
A few blackened Ducks from the coast
won’t spoil your view

[Oilmen:]
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be


Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for you!
When we Drill the Gulf dry
We will conquer Peru

[Dick:]
I drill my holes deep and wide
Yes, I do
And if a little leaks out
We’ll blame it on you

For our time is today
And precious money’s a wastin’
for Fish and the Fowl
Are only for tastin’

For at the end of the day
And the end of the night
Where oil is drilled
We’ll accept all the blight
For money is made
And that’s cause for excite

[Sarah:]
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be

[Dick:]
Now is no time
for alternative fuels

[Both:]
we can sacrifice some Ducks if you
"Drill Drill for me
Drill for you!"
On the Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill for you

(To be Continued)

How to spot a Successful Lawyer

"You see a man with his eyes set...
...and his head on a bias and his teeth like a mule's.
He'd as soon hang your guts on a fence as say, "Good morning."
He's a Lawyer.
Proud and feared of nothing...
...because there ain't nothing he gotta bow down to.
Every man tips his hat. Every boy knows his name.
Ain't no place he ain't welcome.
When a Lawyer's around, trouble naturally stays away.
Folks saying, "Hiya, Kid!"
"How you doing, Kid?"
"Come in for a pitcher of milk and gingerbread!"
Or, "Come up here and cool your heels. It's hot outside."
Because nobody don't make no fun...
...of a friend of An Attorney. (Paraphrased from Cat Ballou)

I've been a Lawyer for 27 years. For most of those years I have mistakenly believed that it was knowledge and honesty that would make me successful. I may have been wrong.

How to Spot a Successful Lawyer:

1) Everyone must know what he does for a living. Therefore, he has a vanity license plate that indicates that he is a Lawyer. It might say something like Litag8tor or PILawyer or just the initials ESQ.

2) His initials are embroidered on his shirt sleeve. Why is this necessary?

3) He is the only person, not doing a crossword puzzle, who uses the word Ergo. I must admit, that although I haven't been invited into this secret Lawyer club, I've used the word Ergo.

4) Speak in initials, but bill for the entire word. "I have a PC at the SC with DC
this PM."

5) He is carrying a Yellow pad.

6) Tell a Lawyer joke. Watch him, he'll get indignant, as if you told an ethnic joke. You can be sure that he will repeat the joke to another Lawyer.

Jesus and Moses go to Dinner

Moses and Jesus go to Dinner.

Feb. 5th, 2008 at 8:29 AM


A cab pulls up to an Italian Restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Out step two bearded men in robes and sandals. The thinner man’s robe is white, the other man has a robe of multi colors with the words Abacrombie and Fitch written across the back. Jesus and Moses have come for dinner.

Addressing the cabdriver, Moses says, "Thanks Mohammed, for the ride. I'll put a good word in for you with the boss." Then addressing his companion he states, "Man, the guy moves one mountain and he thinks that he’s special."

J: That’s a nice robe, where did you get it from ?

M: I borrowed it from Joseph.

J: What kind of Restaurant is this?

M: It’s Italian, you’ll like it. The Pope takes the misses here when he’s in town.

J. It’s not kosher. He’s going to be angry! Let’s just go to Zabars.

M: He’ll never know.

J: The way you eat, there’ll be tomato sauce all over the robe. Remember what he did to Adam and Eve. And, that was only an Apple!

M: That’s the beauty of this robe. I can always say Joseph did it! His brothers will swear to it!

As they enter the Restaurant, the crowd murmurs, a Paparazzi takes their picture. Little David acting as their bodyguard takes the camera from the Paparazzi. The waiter brings bread to their table.

J: This is my body you eat!

M: Why must you be so melodramatic? Now I have that image in my head, that won’t go away all day. Do me a favor, when we get the wine, don’t tell me it’s your blood. I’m not one of your Apostles!

Waiter: Are you gentlemen ready to order?

M: Do you take Heaven Express credit card?

W: Yes, we do.

M: Good, I get double points! I need the miles. We’ll have two House salads, I’ll have the Shrimp Scampi and Jesus here will have the Veal Parmigiana. Also, please bring us a bottle of your best Chianti. And for God’s sake can we please have some water. I’m still parched from 40 years in the desert.

After finishing a fine meal the Heavens open up, they hear claps of thunder. From their window they see lightning.

M: Jesus Christ!

J: Yes?

M: Sorry, it’s just an expression. I guess that he’s angry. We better get the check.

The waiter brings the check. It is printed upon two stone tablets.

M: Very funny! Oh No!

J: What is it?

M: The bill says, the meals on me, but you’re spending the next 40 years wandering Staten Island. My God, that’s worse than the Desert!

J: I told you that we shouldn’t eat non Kosher. I guess that he realized that I was influenced by you and I’ve been forgiven.

M: Not exactly.

J: Not that!

M: Yes!

J: Alright, but by the way, where does one find a Leper Colony in North America?

Talky Sarah

Talky Sarah, a doll that does everything, a lifelike creation of plastic and springs and painted smile. To Senator John McCain, she was a most unwelcome addition to his household, but without her he'd never enter the Twilight Zone. ”

It's The Republican Convention and the Fundamentalists are excited about their new present. As they arrive at the convention they are instructed to run inside and see their new doll, not to show it to the the Senator. However, the The Fundamentalists are stopped by The Senator, as they enter the arena. They are is eager to show off her new present, a talking doll called "Talky Sarah", which repeats "My name is Talky Sarah, and I love you very much!" McCain demands to know how much it will cost him in lost votes. The Fundamentalist leader responds that they have wanted this doll for months and that she charged it. The Senator angrily states that The Fundamentalists do not need another doll. The Fundamentalists flee the room, leaving Talky Sarah behind.

The Senator examines the doll. He hears it say "I don't think I like you", and throws it across the room. The Fundamentalist leader re-enters, and we learn that The Senator doesn't really want Sarah as his running mate and is bitter because he cannot choose his own; further, that it was The Fundamentalist leader who insisted upon "Talky Sarah."

At the dinner table, The Leader coaches Sarah. The Senator becomes annoyed, and The Leader declares that Sarah is good for the Nation it gives them someone to look at. The Senator catches the doll winking at him, while the others are looking elsewhere at the table.

"My name is Talky Sarah, and you'll be sorry"

Left alone with the doll, McCain hears it say "My name is Talky Sarah and I'm beginning to hate you." He replies, "My name is John Mccain, and I don't approve this message. I'm going to get rid of you" Sarah exclaims "You wouldn't dare! The Leader would hate you, and I would hate you." Mccain places a match next to Tina, who gasps. He says "Then you have feelings!" The doll replies "Doesn't everything?"

Finding the doll, The Senator sends it to Charlie Gibson. When The Leader seeks the doll, he tells her he doesn't know where it is. Later, the telephone rings. McCain answers; and hears the voice on the other end says, "My name is Talky Sarah, and I'm going to replace you."

He checks the late night TV and is startled to find Sarah is on with Sean Hannity. He accuses The Leader of teaming up with Fox News to frighten him.

The Leader desperately tries to threaten McCain. The Senator starts to come to the chilling realization that he is not the source of Sarah's taunts. It's something more. Unexplained. Frightening.

Now knowing he must destroy the doll to save his political life, he arranges for the doll to appear with Katie Couric, but her bumbling only endears herself more to the Fundamentalist Leader. He hears the doll mockingly laugh at him.

Realizing he is unable to damage the doll, he coaches the doll for it's big Vice Presidential Debate. As he gives her misinformation, he hears it laugh. He returns to the Senate to find The Fundamentalist Leader planning to back Bob Barr. "Senator, how could you!?" Returning to his Office, he is relieved to see Sarah still there. As he approaches the doll, it says "My name is Talky Sarah, and I don't forgive you!"

Election night, The Senator and Talky Sarah lose. She turns to him and says, "My name is Talky Sarah and I was almost only one 72 year old heartbeat away from being President."

Surprisingly Talky Sarah has now gotten what she wanted. she not only is the symbol of The Fundamentalists. Talky Sarah sets her goals on 2012. She knows she needs more support.

She orders the manufacturer "Make similar dolls to me. We market it as Talky Sarah's Tea Party."

God's Conversation with David

God: David, please come here, I'd like to speak to you about a small problem.

David: Very funny God, why do you have to use the word small?

God: Just a little heavenly humor. Michelangelo says that you've been giving him a hard time again. What's that all about?

David: Enough with the heavenly humor, do you have to use the word hard? You see how he sculpted me. You made me, you know that it's not true.

God: What difference does that make. Do you have to shoot at him with your slingshot? I don't know what to do with you.

David: Why don't you ask Solomon for advise? He's always been your favorite.

God: Would you cut out that jealousy stuff. Anyhow I did ask him and what he suggested was impractical.

David: What was that?

God: He said that we should cut you in half. That man hasn't had an original idea in 3,500 years. I still don't understand the problem.

David: I can't get a date. All of the women think that Michelangelo's sculpture was true to proportion.

God: But you're married. What about Bathsheba?

David: She left me. She couldn't take the kidding from the other women.

God: What did they say?

David: Oh, Mary Magdalen said that "That looks like a Penis only smaller."

God: Well she would know. Clearly someone will date you.

David: Rahab will, but you know that if you pay her enough she'll date anyone.

God's Will

God had heard enough. All he ever heard was “God’s will.” He decided that it was finally time that he actually wrote a will.

How would he go about such a venture? There was a lot that he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t really a citizen of any one country. Where would he go? He first thought about Israel. Then he realized all the controversy that this would cause. He remembered that he had once said that “The Jews were the chosen people.” He thought that it was time that he stopped choosing them.

He was leaning towards the United States, but two things concerned him:

1) What was all this clamoring he heard about a Death Tax? Those nice Republicans keep trying to get this repealed. He didn’t have much in the way of assets, but he didn’t want the Government to get them. In fact his entire estate consisted of An Ark, Two tablets, a Grail and a couple of million Dollars in a Swiss Bank Account.

2) He was concerned that he would be considered an illegal Alien. How would Lou Dobbs react?

He decided to seek the advise of the famous New York Probate Attorney Benny Ficiary.

Benny: Can I have your name please sir?

God: I’m God.

Benny: What is your family name?

God: I’m God, that’s my entire name.

Benny: So you’‘re like Madonna. You only have one name. Any aliases?

God: Many, Lord, Jehovah , Hashem. Shall I go on?

Benny: Have you any thought how you wanted to leave your assets?

God: I think it would be easier if we listed who among my children I’d like to disinherit. First of all the thin crackpot lady with the long neck. She’s always telling people how they should live their lives and what I want. I’ll let people know what I want.

And that phony Minister, who said that terrible Hurricane and those attacks in New York were my way of punishing sinners. You know what, I’ll give his share to a Lesbian, Jewish, Feminist member of the ACLU. That would show him.

Now what about this death tax?

Benny: It’s not really called a death tax. It’s called an Estate Tax. It doesn’t really effect you. This year there is no Estate Tax for 2010. After that Congress will have to decide.

God: So it doesn’t really effect me then.

Benny: No. The problem that I see is that you’re an illegal alien. We should first work on getting you a green card. When was the last time that you worked?

God: I created the heavens and the earth.

Benny: Nothing more recent? Can you get a job? Starbucks is looking.

God: That’s not a bad idea. I do need insurance and I understand that they cover all employees.

Benny; How about your family. Do you have any children?

God: Just one son. But he never calls, he never writes.

Benny: What's the boy's name.

God: Christ.

Benny: Any other relatives?

God: I have a sister. I'm not very fond of her, but she is the boy's aunt.

Benny: What's her name.

God: We just call her the Auntie Christ.

Rush and Ann in the Garden of Eden

Before creating plants or animals, God forms Rush "from the dust of the ground...and man became a living being." God sees what he has done and creates the figleaf.

God sets the man in the Garden of Eden and permits him to eat of all the fruit within it, except that of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, "for in the day that you eat of it you shall die." And man says unto God, “That’s two things that I have no use for, fruit and knowledge.”

God makes "every beast of the field and every bird of the air, ... and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name ... but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him." Yet man insisted upon restricting immigration into the Garden of Eden.

God causes the man to sleep, by giving him a prescription drug, and makes a woman from one of his ribs, and the man awakes and names his companion Woman, "because she was taken out of Man." Man is very upset with God, because he had saved that rib for his breakfast.

"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." Disgusted, but not ashamed.

The serpent tells the woman that she will not die if she eats the fruit of the tree: "When you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." And maybe we can get you a job on Fox News.

So the woman eats and gives to the man who also eats. "Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons." Man continues to eat, Woman purges herself of the food.

God curses the serpent: "upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life;" the woman he punishes with pain in childbirth and with subordination to man: "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you;" and the man he punishes with a life of toil: "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground." The man names his wife Ann, "because she was the mother of all living". And man, woman and serpent all blamed Obama, and God had not yet created him.

"Behold", says God, "the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil," and expels the couple from Eden, "lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever." The gate of Eden is sealed by a cherub and a flaming sword "to guard the way to the tree of life." And the man and the woman would never again be blessed with knowledge.

Fate of a Freddie the Flea

Freddie was despondent. His lead act in his Flea Circus, Flicker had flown off. He was also fearful that the infamous flea who had been all over the News, was his Flea Flicker.

He had trouble fathoming why flicker had flown. He turned on CNN. "This is Soladad O'Brien in New York, with the latest facts regarding the fearless flea that bit the President's Dog. The flea is feared to be the famous Flicker from the Freddie Fitzpatrick Flying Flea Circus. We now join Anderson Cooper with Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesperson, Felicia Fender with further details.

"Agent Fender, forgive my forgetfulness, but I was under the impression that the FBI had jurisdiction of Flea felonies in the Federal District since the misfortune of FDR's feline Felicity and his dog Fala were ferociously fed to the Fleas back in 44."

A fumbling Federal Agent Fender replied, "The Feds are still finding facts. We fanned a far-flung facsimile of the Flea to all Federal Facilities. This is just a formality, for we expect to find the fallen Flea in the forenoon.

Fitzpatrick was fearful about the fate of his fearless Flea. He switched his Television to Fox.

"This is Sean Hannity with a follow up about the Flea that the FBI is now following who allegedly made Flea food of Fido. We're here with Ann Coulter, who would like to affirm her feelings on the fate of Fido."

"Sean, this emphatically a foreign Flea from the Federation, formerly known as Formosa. The fate of Fido came forth because we don't forbid Fairs that fund Flea Circuses from farming out their jobs to felonious foreign Fleas flying from the former Formosa. New Flea Circuses should be formed featuring flag waving Fleas from the Flea Partiers."

Freddie fretted and then flung his female feline, Felicia at the foul mouthed figure featured on Fox Channel 44.

He found the Television Flicker and turned on his favorite female reporter Rachel Maddow.

"Fox is reporting that this is a Felonious Foreign Flea from the Federation formerly known as Formosa. I have found out that this is a folly formulated by Famous Fleabagger, Frank Funt. This Flea was found to be a front for Fox and friends." Film of Frank Funt feeding his fat face with a Frankfutter was then featured.

Freddie, couldn't follow this farce any further so he found his forty-four, and with one ferocious fit, fired it at the farce., while yelling the word his father, Freddie the first had forbidden him to say.

Norton Hears The Who

Apologies to Dr. Seuss


On a hot day in June, from the Garden came a Tune,

The Arena was cool, The sewer had stool,

He was sloshing.....fixing the sewer’s great clogs,

Was Norton the Sewer Worker Prodding Through all the Bogs.

So Norton stopped plunging, he heard a loud sound.

"That’s funny," said Norton, "I’m deep underground"

Then he heard Guitars blast, as loud as all thunder,

As if a Rock and Roll Band had joined him down under.

"I can’t stand it." cried Norton,. "This is not part of the Job.

The advertisement didn’t mention this, they just wanted a slob!"

Then he heard a loud crash, the drums caused a cave in!

"Ralphie Boy," cried Norton, "I may never get out,

arrange for the Raccoons to help me breakout.

This music it’s rotten. It’s no way to go.

The Who up above, me drowning below!

It’s their Generation their talking about,

it’s so loud I’m afraid I will never get out."

"I’m just some poor sewer worker, all dripping in crap

I know that there’s an exit, I know that there’s a trap.

The others called in sick, there was Harvey and Ken.

He vowed if he got out, "I won’t be fooled again."

Crash went the symbols and Daltry let out a yelp.

He was glad he wasn’t Tommy. He could at least yell for help!

But who would hear Norton, it didn’t compute.

Nobody knew where he was, he was merely a Substitute!

Trixie told me, thought Norton, not to work tonight.

I should have listened he thought, and I shouldn’t have worn white!

I know Ralph will save me, maybe Alice will help,

but all Norton could say was LuLu with a yelp!

And suddenly help came sloshing on through,

In stead of thanks, all Norton could say is I can’t stand The Who!

Eggs But No Ham

Apologies to Dr. Seuss



Would you like

that piece of ham?

I can not eat Ham,

for Schwartz-I-am

I was circumcised at eight days old,

and ever since then, I’ve done what I’m told.

Would you try it

just this once?

No I think that I’ll stick to

my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.

I will not eat that piece of Ham,

Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.

But I’d like to, said

Schwartz-I-am.

I’m sorry you can’t eat

a slice of Ham.

How about a can of Spam?

Nobody wants Spam in a can.

Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.

I will not eat it

when I Pray.

I will not eat it

at the end of day

A Jew won’t eat Spam in a can

I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am

Would you try it in the Shul?

Would you eat it with a Fool?

Would you get this through you head.

I cannot eat food that’s ill-bred!

I will not eat them in a Shul.

Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!

The animal must chew its Cud.

So I guess your party is just a Dud.

To a boy named Murray such is banned.

I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.

Would you eat them

in the Temple?

Please come here and

try a sample!

I will not eat them in the Temple.

What’s your problem are you really that simple.

I will not eat it from a box.

I’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.

You see this Beanie upon my head.

It’s just not the way that I was Bred.

I will not eat Spam in a can.

I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!

Could you just this

once try a Shrimp?

A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!

Not even with that Shiske Sweet!

I would not, could not, eat his food.

I could not, would not, I’m not being rude.

I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.

My Mother may catch me, I won’t take the risk.

A Cheeseburger, I’ve never had.

Not even as a Little Lad.

I will not date that Shikse Pam.

Although, I’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.

But,

Nobody will know,

There’s no one to show

Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.

I would not, could not,

even with Moe

Would you, could you,

on the Sabbath?

I would not, could not, on the Sabbath

Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.

Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.

I cannot eat this what you serve,

So you’ll have more left in reserve.

Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?

You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!

Now listen while I tell you just one last time,

for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.

I will not eat a slice of Ham.

I will not eat Spam in a can.

But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam

I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.