due to personal circumcision

Businesses closed throughout the land
bookstores and hardware stores 
and custard’s  last stand

But books were not needed
For no one could read
it was not taught in school
it did not further our greed


Music and arts was kicked out the door
culture was something
we could now ignore

Grammar and spelling
Were the next two to crumble
“Irregardless’ and “alot”
Appeared in the daily Jumble              


So there was no surprise 
when I read the decision
that the store had been closed                             
due to personal circumcision

The LOL Institute

Today's topic of conversation is dysfunctional LOLs. Men have you ever experienced the embarrassment of a premature LOL? 

This often occurs in men when they aren't considerate of their woman's needs and laugh before the story is over. The Boise institute have studied male LOL patterns and have concluded that the typical male will LOL after two Minutes, whereas the typical woman needs that man to last for at least an hour,  especially when describing her day.

Women, have any of you ever faked an LOL? We all know that no man will acknowledge that a woman faked an LOL, but all have at one time or another.

Here at the Boise institute for LOL studies, we will help you work through embarrassing LOL dysfunctions. You no longer have to be embarrassed. You too can have a happy and healthy LOL life!
 

Milton will take you to the Hilton

We flew into New York out of Kalamazoo
With a myriad of activities we wanted to do.
Don’t let it be said that we are slow or naïve
We just weren’t expecting one to deceive.

We flew in to LaGuardia at eight Fifty Five
The sights before landing made us feel quite alive
The Empire State, lit up Red, White and Blue
“Oh Daddy, Oh daddy, can we go there?” Asked Daughter Sue
And as the Plane turned, we flew over Mets.
You can’t tell they’re that bad, from one of these Jets.

After landing we went to get our suit cases,
As we waited examining all of the faces.
My wife Grace pointed out a fine looking fellow.
He told us “for One hundred, I’ll show you to a cab nice and yellow.”

We told him we were “booked at the Hilton.”
He brought us to meet, his Cousin Milton.
This is when our great sojourn began
Milton spoke only the native language of somewherenamedstan.

Milton’s cousin, whose name, I still can’t pronounce,
Said, “I have something that I’d like to announce.”
He told us about his escape from the Stans
How he once supported his family, returning Beer Cans.
He then sold widgets for awhile
That is how he started to live in style
Now he told us he’s a tour guide
So we invited him to join us on the ride.
We then paid $100.00 more
Which I thought that was a bargain for such a tour.

He said “I’ll show you all of the sights.
The Belt Parkway at night sure is nice.”
So to the Van Wyck and the Belt,
He wanted to show us how a true New Yorker felt.

Backed up traffic and car exhaust
Finally the great Verrazano Bridge we crossed.
“So that’s Manhattan,
I expected more.”
“No this is Staten,
Across the shore.”

“I know a secret path, to Big Apple,
But first he must stop to pray in the chapel.
After an hour of praying with all of his cousins,
There must have been dozens and dozens and dozens,
We were back in the taxi
My family of 4, Milton our tour guide and his cousin Maxie.

Maxie it seems lived in Bayonne
“We’ll drop him there, we pass by his home.”
Wasn’t he lucky, that this was is fate,
After all we had to now cross through the Garden State.

There were seven of us now in the four seat Taxi
To make us all cozy, upon Grace’s lap, sat cousin Maxie.

Milton spoke of his boiler which was broken,
So we had to stop off for supplies in Hoboken.

New Jersey is a lovely state,
We saw it all upon that date.
We made u-turns on all Jug Handles
And shopped seven malls for Milton’s Sandals.

Finally the Bridge seemed near
All the signs, they did appear.
When our guide announced, “we must go back,
Or we will miss Hackensack.”

So for a week, we toured the Garden State
These three strangers controlled our fate.
Days of jug handles and Malls
Nights asleep in Parking stalls.
And although we never made it to the Hilton,
We always get a Christmas card from Cousin Milton.

TriSexual

Sex is very confusing. I remember once thinking that I was trisexual. However, my girlfriend at the time, objected to me wearing the training wheels.

Selfies

To the tune of The Flintstones

Selfies
Take your selfies
It's the twenty first century ego trip
From your couch or toilet
You can shoot yourself, just take your pick.

Send one to the girl on the next street
Make sure that you drop your trousers to your feet

Cause when you take a selfie
It's not a long climb
To a vice crime
When you appear on line!

Of Donkeys and Elephants

Of Donkeys and Elephants
We are gajillions in debt...
From Congressional misuse,
So I'll tell you the story,
And I won't think you obtuse...
about an Elephant and a donkey...
and a house with a dome...
that, oddly enough,
these creatures call home.
But that comes later
In my rhythmic tome.

The Year is Two Thousand and O Ninety Nine
The World has long since past time that was prime
Now, I'll tell you a story of what once did occur
When the Earth was much younger,
Ask those who survived it, I'm sure they'll concur

In the land known as Unim
Our story is set
The land was already, too deeply in debt
For this land that we speak was filled to the brim
With Donkeys and Elephants, whose future was grim

On the River that forms
At the Anacostia Mouth,
a city was formed...
just north of the south.

It's a City that's called home
To shirts that are stuffed...
Some on the right and some on the left
Should be taken and cuffed,

So on the River Potomac
at the mouths
of two roaring rivers,
Anacostia and Connogochegue...
Are the nation's lawgivers...

Those who live in this City
Who call this place home,
Can't even vote
For the occupants of the Dome,

A beautiful city
That blossoms and blooms...
But when Asses meet Pachyderms
The result is pure gloom

As the page would soon turn from an Ace to a Deuce
In Florida Pachyderms were wild and loose
Very convincing were these Beasts of the wild
They sold the Supremes on forty one's child
They needed five judges, all dressed in black
These Judges held grudges, they wanted Washington back.

The Mastodon leader, said all could see
How the Bubbes and Zaydas would all vote for me.
What followed was eight years of war and of blunder
Our nation was near to going asunder

About marriage and bridges,
They feel they should dabble...
But to a frustrated nation
It's all Psychobabble.

Here the men and the women,
Who work in this house,
Are very concerned,
That we have the right spouse,

And in the old house
They know that it's best
For a woman to mother,
A child whose dad
Is also his brother.

So we must remember
When we elect these strange creatures,
That their job description
Is morality preachers.

They meet in the house...
With no money to spare...
giving breaks to big oil...
cause they truly care

“The problem is such,” the leader declared
“That my Daddy had erred, with the despot he spared.”
So for the first time in history, in the Middle East Land
We would be aggressors, on a pile of sand.

As One passed and Two and Three as did Four
I waited for this Pachyderm to be shown to the door
But this slow tired Elephant would outsmart those dumb Mules
Two men cannot marry, no money for schools
It rained in New Orleans, washed out part of the South
Why should they know this, word travels slowly by mouth

So what good could be said at the end of his term
"Nobody found any blue dresses with stains on them from sperm."

The Asses took over in the year of naught eight.
With debt well past twelve zeros, was it already too late
With movements described as quick and adroit.
Action was taken, that would soon save Detroit
One day was found, there in a cave,
our Number one enemy, who wasn't too brave.

Throughout this great land
The Great Mammoth Plotted
To remove voting rights
To those it was allotted

The Supremes were still there
all Sporting White hair.
Some new ones some old
We did what they told.
So when five of these nine
Declared that corps were people
All of the Elephants rushed to thank God in his steeple.

One day a young man, all armed to the nines
Entered a school
Totting evil designs
Now thought the mule, “It’s our time to act.
Not even this Pachyderm, would deny us a pact.”
So the Mule told the nation, “It’s time we admitted,
Not all should have weapons, not those who should be committed.”
But the Elephant noticed its friends in the lobby
“Nobody will take away our good friend’s hobby.”

So a Senator all filled with brimstone and bluster
Lived up to his name, Senator Phil A. Bluster.
Senator Bluster was proud of this tactic.
To him, a score of dead children was anticlimactic.

But as we approached the year of one two
Came two lady elephants, with marbles too few
Oh these two lady Elephants, were smarter than Mules
They'd teach us some history, we never heard in the school
Like the story of Quincy, who at nine years of age
Playing in the schoolyard, was the big rage.
You see while other young men, were all getting their grounding
Adams, the younger, was nation founding.
They'd accept only questions, both balanced and fair.
"Where did you get that dress?" "Who does your hair"

Now the Elephants would use Unim’s new health laws
Admittedly filled with plenty of flaws
As the reason for their new revolution
They yelled and they screamed but never offered solution.

You remember that Land
All covered with sand
If we had ever been welcome, that was worn out
So now we must finally find the best exit route.
It was known from day one, when we entered this land
That our exit would be quite far from grand
For a wise Elephant had once made a prediction
“If you break it you’ve bought it. It’s not our jurisdiction.”
So when we had left
And left it bereft
In land with the sand
Where life wasn’t too grand
The inhabitants felt that what they should do
Is experience a coup.

No sound man would claim, that this old leader of sand
Was less than a tyrant when he took his last stand,
But that wasn’t the reason
Given for this attack
They said the mule was “a treason.”
Not every Elephant has memory intact.

And that poor old donkey, he thought it a joke
But, with these Elephants back in the White House, Unim was broke
So they sold that old white house, to one of their own
And now the Trump White House is what he calls home.

Soon all the restaurants closed down the doors
Followed by gas stations and all other stores.
So where is the spare money?
Surely we should know
It's taken from the old and the schools,
But you get what you pay for
When trusting Elephants and Mules
So now all the businesses were going downstream
All that was left was a truck of ice cream
That's the end of our story, of a nation once grand.
Now you can tell the story of custard''s last stand

L

With A Little Help from Depends

Did anybody notice the change in the words that Ringo sang the other day? It's sad because even the Beatles are aging.

With a Little Help from Depends.

What would you think if I went in this room,
Would it bother you if I took a wee?
Lend me your mop before the odor gets strong,
And I'll clean up the puddle of pee.
Oh I get by with a little help from Depends
Mmm,I keep dry with a little help from Depends,
Mmm, I'm the guy who gets help from my Depends.

What do I do when my aim goes astray?
(Don’t worry you’ll soon pass the stone)
How do I feel when I suddenly spray
(Does it hurt you and make you groan)
No, I get by with a little help from Depends
Mmm,I keep dry with a little help from Depends,
Mmm, I'm the guy who gets help from my Depends.

You’re not near to the potty?
Wet pants you can’t to get out of.
Lost control of your body?
I want shorts that I can dispose of.

Would you believe that I’ve tried all my might?
Yes But I piddle all the time.
When I’m in bed I won’t turn out the light?
I’ll never make it to the john on time.
Oh I get by with a little help from Depends
Mmm,I keep dry with a little help from Depends,
Mmm, I'm the guy who gets help from my Depends.

You’re not near to the potty?
Wet pants you can’t to get out of.
Lost control of your body?
I want shorts that I can dispose of.

Oh I get by with a little help from Depends
Mmm,I keep dry with a little help from Depends,
Mmm, I'm the guy who gets help from my Depends.
Yes I keep dry with a little help from Depends,
with a little help from Depends

Jewish Christmas Eve

So what's this Jew to do on Christmas Eve?
The stores are closed I had to leave
You suggest the bowling alley
A heavy ball, I shall not carry
I tried to watch the yuletide log
It caused my living room to fog.
I called some friends, but it's a pity
they all went to Atlantic City.
So what shall I do that won't make me skittish
And satisfy one who was raised to be Yiddish
The thing that always cheers up my mood
Take the family for Chinese Food.

Even the Chipmunks Age

The Chipmunks have been around for more than half of a century, so it’s time for Alvin’s first Colonoscopy.

To the tune of the Chipmunks song (Christmas don’t be late) 

Colonoscopy is near
Time for Prep and time for clear
Ate too much, but it can't last
Always feast, before the fast
Oh my bowels they won’t relax
Better take more Miralax
Hurry Doctor don’t be late
Been hours since I last ate

Five Two 0 Three

Our tale begins on the Corner of Main
There stood a citizen tall, balding and plain
When along came Kowalski, the cop on the beat
With Handcuffs, pistol and donuts to eat.

He said “Move on Mac, or I’ll run you in.”
I said “What have I done, what is my sin?”
“I’ve heard enough, you’re comin’ with me.
For violating ordinance Five Two O Three.”

He called Headquarters, Hindquarters, Four Quarters alack
He checked all the pay phones for his Quarter Back.
When asked what is ordinance Five Two O Three,
Kowalski proceeded to cuff me to a tree.

He read me my rights, “be silent or speak,
You are the villain, that I’ve searched for more than a week.
You can call an Attorney, an Accountant or Doc
Realtor, Rabbi or boy counting stock.
You’ve the right to be mellow, contrite or sad,
The right to wear yellow, but no stripes with that plaid.”

Just then arrived all of the back up, with sirens a blaring.
I decided to speak, I was very daring.

“You’ve called in Kojak, Colombo, The Man from Uncle and Maxwell Smart
You would have called Jake and the Fat Man, But they couldn’t fit in the Dodge Dart.

‘What have I done to deserve all this attention?
Here comes Napoleon Solo, to take me to my detention.”

And then at the station, with Blue everywhere,
Kowalski must have thought it was time to give me a scare.
He took a deep breath, and then flatulated
He appeared to have pondered, maybe even debated.
“You’re the one that I wanted, It’s you on the poster.”
With that he removed the Gun from his side holster.

The poster said the perp, had “blonde, curly hair,
Stood barely five feet, on her stockings a tear,
In her womb she was carrying, one or two babies,
And she may even be suffering, from a bad case of rabies.

Now I’m a man 6 foot three, and balding on top
So I can understand the confusion of this myopic cop.
So for sheer entertainment, I played along.
I begged and I pleaded and sang them a song.

Now I sing quite poorly, or haven’t you heard.
I can’t carry a tune, and the words sound absurd

What happened just then, you may not believe,
But to stop me from singing they said I could leave
I’ve told you the truth. You can trust my veracity.
He said “Since our prisons are filled to capacity.
Get out of town. I won’t put you in jail,
But we’ll meet again, and then I won’t fail.”

“Officer please I have one question to ask,
Then you can finish drinking what is in your flask.
What did I do, what is Five Two O three?
With eyes filled with rage, he removed the cuffs from the tree
Then he told me my crime as he unhooked the willow
“You were arrested for removing a tag from a pillow.”

Natural Laws

ln a 5 to 4 decision the Supreme Court today overturned the ninth circuit court of appeals decision which held that "regardless of whether they are mentioned in the constitution, the courts do not have the jurisdiction to declare unconstitutional the natural and scientific laws of nature. "

Justice Clarence Thomas, writing for the majority stated that "... if the drafters of the constitution had wanted gravity to exist, it would have stated in the bill of rights, 'it being necessary for the people of the United States not to fly wildly above the earth, government of the United States she'll take no action to deprive the people of the right to have gravity.'"

In a concurring opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, that he believed that this holding "...Would invalidate all same sex marriages throughout the United States because we no longer recognize the laws of attraction. "

In what is believed to be the shortest dissenting opinion, in the history of the court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "Oy vey iz mir!"

Universal Studios has announced that Mel Brooks has been hired to write and direct the Biopic of God

Universal Studios has announced that Mel Brooks has been hired to write and direct the Biopic of God

Brooks said in a press release “The Movie will be an epic, because I will play God. After all who else is old enough? It’s going to be done through the eyes of God’s interviewer, who will be played by Carl (Reiner). We will find out if the Earth was really created in six days, or did God take that rumored vacation to The Fontainebleau in Miami Beach after the fifth day. We will see God advising Noah about building an Ark, ‘No, No use the good glue. That crazy stuff.’ We will see God dancing at Jesus’s Bar Mitzvah. “

The original thoughts of Producer Verner Brothers was to have Mel Gibson write and direct the film. The famous “hands off” approach of the Hollywood Mogul, at first appeared to have backfired. The highly successful, yet controversial Brothers left the task to his Associate Producer, who mistakenly hired Brooks.

When reached for comment, Gibson said, “We had an oral contract. This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the situation, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.

When reached for comment, Brooks said, “I’m not too worried. I’m the only one old enough to have known God as a boy. I spoke to him, and this is what he wants.”
Universal, last week announced the rest of the prospective cast. Sid Caesar as Methuselah, Gene Wilder as Noah, Nathan Lane as Onan, Mathew Broderick as Jesus and featuring Cloris Leachman as God’s sister, “Auntie Christ.”

Stella

To add some drama to my marriage last week, I did the entire play "a Streetcar named desire," for my wife. She hated it. She said my Stella was not convincing and my Blanche was dry. She did, however say that I made a very moving streetcar.

Health Problem enables New Yorker develops to develop best selling computer program “Pedestrian curses in 17 Languages."

Problems with his health enabled Bruce Gettler of New York City, 56, to develop the best selling computer program “Pedestrian curses in seventeen languages.” Gettler came about his success in an unusual way. Through no fault of his own, Gettler can no longer drive. It has forced him to depend upon mass transportation, and more often than not, his feet. He has a common complaint among Pedestrians, “Driver’s don’t know what “STOP” spells!”

New York City is a melting pot. Nobody knows this better than Gettler. “When you lose something as precious as your driver’s license, you learn to appreciate other things.” Said Gettler. For Gettler one of those other things was an ear for language. “As a Pedestrian it is often necessary to communicate with the Drivers. To politely tell them ‘hey, I’ve got the right of way.’” Gettler added. “How do you say, ‘Your Mother,’ in Spanish? Or ‘Hey, Asshole.” In Italian, or the all-important ‘Shithead’ in Russian.”

Gettler saw a need that wasn’t being fulfilled. He first approached the people at Berlitz, but they weren’t interested in marketing his computer program, “Pedestrian curses in seventeen languages.” So Gettler decided to market it himself. First he had to learn the languages.

Italian was easy. Having been a lifetime fan of Chico Marx, Gettler realized that all he had to do was to add a strategic “A” in the middle of a statement and use his hands. So, “Hey Asshole,” became “Hey Ass A Hole.” For Russian he realized that all he had to do was to add “ski” to the end of a word. “Shithead” became “Shitheadski.”

Joan Silverman, a resident of Forest Hills in the Borough of Queens, recently purchased the product says that “This has been invaluable, especially in Queens. Queens is the most ethnically diverse county in the Country. We need to learn to communicate with our neighbors. I can think of no better way.”

Silverman demonstrated what she learned in Yiddish, by gently reprimanding a moped delivery man riding on the sidewalk of Queens Boulevard. Silverman, naturally belted out, “Gai kakhen afenyam, Putz.” When we asked her for the translation, she said that she “would prefer not to translate it, because it loses all of the beauty and elegance of the Yiddish language when translated in to the vulgar English.”


5/28/2013