Jurassic Pickle

New York Times
November 20, 2010
By: Paul E. Ontonigist

In what was until now a very well kept secret, the Museum of Natural History in New York has sponsored an Archeological exhibition by the site of the now defunct Sage Diner on Queens Boulevard in Woodside, New York.

Museum Curator, Lewis N. Clark said in yesterday's press conference, "This could be the greatest discovery, since Adam West found King Tut's Tomb. We have uncovered treasures, and have learned more about the eating habits of the early settlers of Queens, then we ever expected to know."

Among the artifacts that have been uncovered is a Black and White Cookie, that is believed to be from Paleozoic Period. The Cookie is perfectly round, approximately 4 inches in diameter. The rumors that 4 such cookies were uncovered has not been substantiated and will be further explored when the three Archeologists in charge of the dig are released from Elmhurst Hospital, where they are being treated for a mysterious case of dysentery.

Also found was a jar of prehistoric cole slaw, a petrified pickle that carbon dating places in The Jurassic Period, and a pair of size 16 knee high nylon stockings, believed to have always been the dress code for the waitresses at the Sage.

"Our work here is almost done," said Clark. "From here we move on to the corner of Queens Boulevard and Woodhaven Boulevard. It is believed that in ancient fast food restaurant, named Wetsons once stood there. It would be quite a coup to prove my theory that the cause of the extinction of the Dinosaurs was a greasy French Fry."

Anyone for a Nice Cup of Tea

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.

The year is 2010, the place is a county north of New York City, the people are a tiny handful of men and women with a dream. Just two years ago, they helped elect a young President, a man with a vision. Just two years later that vision had been crushed. Now the only one left in this group with the shadow of that dream is Harvey Shapiro. Harvey’s search for that vision will bring him into The Twilight Zone.

Some years after the 2008 election, Harvey Shapiro, a bright, good-natured fellow, living in a pleasant village at the foot of the Catskill Mountains. One autumn day, shortly after the 2010 elections, Harvey avoids his wife's incessant nagging by wandering into the mountains. Harvey discovers a man dressed in antiquated clothing, carrying a keg up the mountain, who requires Harvey's help. Without exchanging words, the two climb to a hollow in which Harvey discovers the source of previously-heard thunderous noises: there is a group of other ornately-dressed, silent, bearded men. . Although there is no conversation and Harvey does not ask the men who they are or how they know his name, he discreetly begins to drink some of their tea, and falls asleep.

He awakens in unusual circumstances: it seems to be morning, his beard has grown a foot long. Harvey returns to his village where he finds that he recognizes no one. He discovers that his wife and his close friends have left the area. He immediately gets into trouble when he tries to spend a five dollar bill, that has Abraham Lincoln’s face on it, not realizing that these have been out of print for years and replaced by those with the likeness of Rush Limbaugh.

The men he met in the mountains, Harvey learns, are rumored to be the tea Party loyalists, who have since taken over every aspect of American life. Harvey is told that he has apparently been away from the village for twenty years. Harvey is taken in by his daughter, Ellen, a loyal member of the Tea Party.

After dinner and talk, they sit around the television waiting for Ellen’s favorite show, “Late Nite with Christine O’Donnell.”He hears the announcer, “Ladies and Gentleman, from the Father Coughlin Theater on Sean Hannity Boulevard, in midtown Manhattan, Late Nite with Christine O’Donnell, featuring the Ted Nugent Orchestra. Tonight Christine’s guest are President Michelle Bachmann, Ambassador Glen Beck. I’m Joe the Plumber, here’s Christine.

”“Hey Joe,” Christine asks, “ Do you know how many Liberal’s it takes to change a lightbulb.?”

“What’s a Liberal?” asks Joe.

At this point Ellen explains to Harvey, that after the repeal of the First Amendment, Chief Justice Colture, declared that a strict construction of the Constitution allowed for the deportation of all those people whom the administration deemed “subversive.” This included most African Americans (Alan Keyes was not deported),all Jews except Joe Lieberman and all registerred Democrats. Mt. Rushmore was recarved to include our greatest President, Sarah Palin. That oil was discovered while drilling in Yosemite.Harvey was sweating.

“It must be 110 degrees in here.”

Ellen responded, “The last few winters have been this hot. Don’t worry that great scientist Bill O’Reilly explains that it’s a normal pattern.

”Suddenly Harvey is startled. “Wake up, Daddy,” he heard Ellen say. “You must’ve had a nightmare.”

Harvey was relieved.“Tell me about it in the car. Remember we’ve got our appointment with President Paladino, this morning.”

Rush and Anne in the Garden of Eden

Before creating plants or animals, God forms Rush "from the dust of the ground...and man became a living being." God sees what he has done and creates the figleaf.

God sets the man in the Garden of Eden and permits him to eat of all the fruit within it, except that of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, "for in the day that you eat of it you shall die." And man says unto God, “That’s two things that I have no use for, fruit and knowledge.”

God makes "every beast of the field and every bird of the air, ... and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name ... but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him." Yet man insisted upon restricting immigration into the Garden of Eden.

God causes the man to sleep, by giving him a prescription drug, and makes a woman from one of his ribs, and the man awakes and names his companion Woman, "because she was taken out of Man." Man is very upset with God, because he had saved that rib for his breakfast.

"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." Disgusted, but not ashamed.

The serpent tells the woman that she will not die if she eats the fruit of the tree: "When you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." And maybe we can get you a job on Fox News.

So the woman eats and gives to the man who also eats. "Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons." Man continues to eat, Woman purges herself of the food.

God curses the serpent: "upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life;" the woman he punishes with pain in childbirth and with subordination to man: "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you;" and the man he punishes with a life of toil: "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground." The man names his wife Anne, "because she was the mother of all living". And man, woman and serpent all blamed Obama, and God had not yet created him.

"Behold", says God, "the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil," and expels the couple from Eden, "lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever." The gate of Eden is sealed by a cherub and a flaming sword "to guard the way to the tree of life." And the man and the woman would never again be blessed with knowledge.

The Land of Guilt and Money

The story of Exodus tells how Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt and through the wilderness to the Mountain of God Sinai. There God, through Moses, gives the Israelites their laws and enters into a covenant with them, by which he will give them the land of Canaan in return for their faithfulness. The book ends with the construction of the Tabernacle.

According to tradition, Exodus and the other four books of the Torah were written by Moses in the latter half of the 2nd millennium BC. What if Moses, fictionalized some of the facts. What if it wasn’t the Sinai Desert that the Children of Israel walked through, what if it was New England.

Archeological evidence was just found that raises questions of the traditional story of Exodus. The evidence began with the finding of an ancient Chinese Restaurant along the shores of The Housitonic River. It is now believed that the Children of Israel, should be called the Kids from the Hood. For the beginning point was not Egypt, but Maine and their final destination was not Israel, but Manhattan.

An unnamed Pharaoh, fearful of the Israelites' numbers, orders his people to throw all newborn Hebrew (Israelite) boys into the Gulf of Maine. Many of the young men come out of the water with an interesting looking Crustacean. They call if a Lobstein, (the name was later shortened on Ellis Island to Lobster). The Jewish mothers, as was their tradition, with all food, boil the creature.

A Portland woman saves her baby by setting him adrift in the bathtub, where he is protected by the Whitefish she planned to serve that weekend. Pharaoh's daughter finds the child, and the Whitefish. Keeps the child, and brings him up as her own. Throws out the Whitefish, (Too many bones).

But the child, Moses is aware of his Hebrew origins, and one day, when grown, guilts an overseer who is eating a roast beef on white with mayonnaise. Moses is forced to flee into Kennebunkport, where while he was herding the flocks of his father-in-law George H. W., Moses encounters God, and God tells him to return to Portland and lead the Israelites into(Manhattan) the land promised to Abraham.

On Moses' return to Portland, God instructs him to appear before Pharaoh and inform him of God's demand that he let God's people go. Moses and his brother Aaron do so, but Pharaoh refuses. God causes a series of 10 plagues; 1)Chutzpah; 2) Dreck 3) Putz; 4) Kvetch; 5) Schmuck; 6) Mamzer; 7) Meshuggenner; 8) Nudnick; 9) Shlub and 10) Tsuris. But Pharaoh does not relent. God instructs Moses to institute the Passover sacrifice among the Israelites, but they don’t know to boil the Lobsteins, and all the children have to miss school because of Lobstein bites and stomach aches. Pharaoh agrees to let the Israelites go. Moses explains the meaning of the Passover: it is for Israel's salvation from Maine, so that the Israelites will not be required to do their own Lobsteining, but to buy them at the local Restaurant.

The Exodus begins. The Israelites, 600,000 men plus women and children and a mixed multitude, with their flocks and herds, set out for the mountain of God, located near the former site of Grossinger’s Hotel in the Catskill Mountains..

Pharaoh pursues the Israelites, and God destroys Pharaoh's army at the crossing of the Housitonic. The Israelites continue their journey, but immediately begin to complain of the hardships. In the Wilderness of Sin they complain about the lack of food and speak with longing of Maine, and God sends them Lobstein. At Bridgeport he provides water miraculously from a rock. The Local gangs of Bridgeport attack the Israelites and steal their water.

The Israelites arrive at the mountain of God. God asks whether they will agree to be his people, and the people accept. The people gather at the foot of the mountain, and are entertained by Shecky Greene while Moses and God take a schvitz together.

Moses goes up the mountain into the presence of God, who pronounces the Covenant Code, (a detailed code of ritual and civil law), and promises Manhattan to the Israelites if they obey.
Moses descends and writes down God's words and the people agree to keep them but something is lost in the translation, and the commandments appear as follows:

1) Thou shalt not have your sandwiches on White Bread.
2) Thou shalt not go into business with thy father;
3) Thou shalt call thy mother daily;
4) Thou shalt know all the Sports Statistics, except Nascar;
5) Thou shalt always answer a question, with a question;
6) Thou shalt never watch Fox News;
7) Thou should let your mother suffer, after all that’s what she really wants;
8) Thou shalt clean your plate, it’s good for you;
9) Thou shalt put on your mittens, because your mother is cold;
10) Thou shalt always know where to find great Chinese food.

Moses ultimately reaches Manhattan, but can’t enter. He forgot to refill his easy pass. God brings him to the Triboro Bridge to show him the land of Guilt and Money.

Little is known about California’s Proposition 9. It passed overwhelmingly with little fanfare. The amendment to the California Constitution, known as the Defense of Flatulence Act, simply states that a husband has the right to pass gas in public, despite his wife’s consternation.

This overrides a Decision of the California Supreme Court, that gave the wife the right to admonish the husband for public turgidity. This proposition created quite a stir in the Governor’s mansion, where Governor Schwarzenegger threw his full support behind the passage of the bill and his wife Maria Shriver described it as a stinker.

A protest in Sacramento, against Proposition 9, broke up when counter protester Rush Limbaugh showed up after having a diner of Franks and Beans. Limbaugh said, “My friends, we have defeated the Liberals in passing this important legislation. I can hear it now, Al Gore claiming that this is a defeat in the fight against global warming. It’s against the natural law to stifle a man’s natural instincts to blow one off every so often.

Legal experts claim that the law was poorly drafted, especially in light of the passage of proposition 8. Since the statute specifically uses the word wife and proposition 8 defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

The proponents argued for exclusively heterosexual flatulence while claiming that failure to change the constitution would require changes to school curriculum and threaten school lunch programs. The opponents argued that eliminating the rights of any Californian and mandating that one group of people be treated differently from everyone else was unfair and wrong.

Do same sex couples have the right to pass gas in public? When reached for comment a gay spokesman said, “We’ll let them have this right for themselves.”

Canada's New Immigration Problem

Canada's New Immigration Problem

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Manitoba, Canada
November 2, 2010

With a likely outcome of the Republican Party regaining control of the United States House of Representatives, a flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a Sarah Palin nomination in 2012, has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?' “

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences, but the liberals dug under them. So he tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Republican Majority establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. So much job training is needed it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service. At least they don't break equipment.


In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. “If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age.” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that these illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “