Heaven's new owner

Heaven wasn’t what he had expected. Upon making inquiries he learned that although God was still in charge, the corporation that had taken over some twelve years earlier, had decided that it was financially a losing venture, and retained it solely as a tax deduction.

This was his opportunity. George Steinbrenner would lead a group of financiers, and purchase Heaven from the corporation.

A surprise press conference was called. This was an unusual practice. The last one was called about 1700 years ago to announce the first publication of the Bible.

Reporter: Will you be a hands on owner?

George: I know about Baseball and building ships. I know nothing about Heaven or afterlife. All decisions will be left to my Celestial People. We plan absentee ownership as far as running Heaven is concerned.

Reporter: You made a similar statement when you took over the Yankees. How do we know this to be true?

George: When I was younger, I was a bit impatient and I made a few moves and decisions that in retrospect I shouldn't have made. But I have tried to go back and rectify those moves and mistakes.

“I am tough. Sometimes I’m unreasonable. I have to catch myself every once in a while.


Reporter: In your press release you stated that you have stated that you’ve made arrangements for Billy Martin to be moved upstairs. Do you think that he really belongs in Heaven?

George: I loved Billy Martin. I thought Billy Martin would be a great manager. The one thing that hurt Billy Martin was personal habits. People keep coming up to me and asking, 'How did it feel to be banned for life?' Banned for life. I wasn't banned for life. There was never a word of suspension, probation or ban in that agreement. It was never meant to be part of it. Nor should Billy be banned for life.

Reporter: What will Billy’s role be?

George: God has told me that he intends to retire at the end of next season. Billy will take a year rest and return as God’s replacement.

Reporter: Don’t you think that that is a little dangerous?

George: I loved Billy Martin. I thought Billy Martin would be a great manager. The one thing that hurt Billy Martin was personal habits. In fact, why don’t you ask him yourself?

(Suddenly appearing from beyond a curtain is Billy Martin)

Reporter: Billy, your personal conduct and your managing style are not exactly what eaven is used to, will you alter your methods?

Billy: I don't think so because I've got the reputation for being baseball's bad boy and I don't deserve it. But I think I'd make a good all mighty leader. For one thing, I know how to handle men. That's the secret of managing. For another, I know enough about the game, not fundamentals, but executing. I think I could get the most out of players with common sense and psychology. I'm fiery enough that I'd have their respect. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever get the chance and there's nothing in the world that can change that.

Reporter: Billy, the God of the Bible was known for his strict rules. Giving your history, will you be different?

Billy: I believe if God had ever managed, he would have been very aggressive, the way I manage.

Reporter: George, You just fired God and hired Billy Martin. You’ve fired Billy before, why are you so sure that you won’t fire him again?

George: Billy Martin will manage the entire season. When you're entrusted with a tradition, you've got to protect it. I would say our relationship really, and this may sound crazy -- we're pals.

I can't criticize Billy's style and personality. In many ways, it's a lot like mine.

Billy: What do you mean, “season,” this job was for eternity?

George: If I want to fire you, I’ll fire you.

Billy: Just like Jackson. The two of them deserved each other. One’s a born liar; the other's convicted.

George: Billy, you’re fired!

They saw mw coming!

I recently had my car serviced. These guys could tell me anything, I have no idea what they're talking about.

" Sir, your backslam is overheating. It must be replaced, along with your typenail."

" Is it typical that a typenail, goes so soon? I thought that they had corrected that problem on the newer models."


It's important that they don't realize that I'm ignorant about cars.

Computer Geeks speak a language that I'm convinced they don't even understand.

The tech who worked on my computer told me that I needed a new Frumpsh. That's a nice name. I wonder what a Frumpsh is? I didn't let him know that I didn't know. If he knows that you don't know, he can charge you anything!

"Marc...Your Frumpsh is out of RAM."

"Really, I thought that I had purchased an extra large Frumpsh."

"Size doesn't really matter."

But, Doctors are the best! I have no clue what their talking about. I think they're being honest with me. I just saw my Doctor. Nothing serious. He said that I have an overactive Allibixcus! This in turn has caused a dysfunction in my Splectix, which caused my phlonton to overflow. He doesn't think insurance will cover this. I wonder if this runs in my family?

Guy walks into a Bar

Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?" Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck". Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

If the man had walked into this bar in Minnesota, having crossed over from North Dakota, he could be arrested. It is illegal in Minnesota to cross state lines with a Duck on top of your head.

Such an event recently took place in the City of Moorhead, Minnesota, and gave this small city more publicity then it could handle.

Moorehead is across the Red River of the North from the City of Fargo, North Dakota. One of Fargo's more colorful residents is Thane Gustaffson. Gustaffson was a fairly amiable person, who in 1969, when he was 18 and of draft age, started to walk around with a Duck on his head.

Although that Duck is long gone, and there is no draft and Thane is nearing 60, he rarely leaves his home without a Duck on his head. In more than 40 years Thane has also not left North Dakota. All things changed on May 5, 2009. For on May 5, 2009, Thane crossed The Stillwater Lift Bridge over The Red River of the North into Moorhead.

He entered Red Erickson's Bar in Moorhead, where he was arrested by Sergeant Hank Blumenthal of the Moorhead police. Since this was the first such violation of this law in history, Blumenthal didn't realize what he was in for.

Blumenthal was a Tenth Amendment Advocate. He felt that this was the ideal case to show up those Left Wing Judges who legislate from the bench.

However he miscalculated, the case was immediately moved to The Federal District Court based upon the interstate commerce clause. There it was dismissed, not on it's merits, but based upon the fact that the law clearly was contradictory to Federal Regulation, that would allow Gustaffson to cross State line with a Duck on his head.

District Attorney Carol Super then decided to drop the case. Blumenthal then called the local branch of The Tea Party Movement, to protest what he believed was a violation of the Tenth Amendment.

Five Hundred Tea Partiers came from all over the country carrying signs. Cosmo Miranda of New York carried a sign the read "Teech the Bibel." Florence Winston of Kansas carried a sign, "Keap Mariage sacred. Between a Man and Women." Of all the signs, not one referred to the Tenth Amendment.

After two days the protesters left. During that time the hotels, store, restaurants and bars did more business then they had in the past two years.

The night that they left, Red Erickson placed a telephone call. "Your plan worked. I don't have to close down. They fell right into our hands. Thane, I have to tell you that it's great to have you for a cousin. What are you going to do now?"

"It seems that there is a law in Alabama, that it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. My Brother in law, Billy Bob, can use some help in his bait shop." Thane said worth a chuckle.

Rules for Bachelors

I was a bachelor for a long time. And through the help of my lovely wife I've become domesticated. So I feel that I'm as much of an expert as any to advise others who are bachelors. Here are simple rules to follow:

1) Time periods before food in the car must be thrown out:
A) Container of Milk 1 Day
B) Tuna Sandwich- 2 Days
C) Big Mac - 3 Days
D) Hostess Cupcakes- Keep them. They have enough preservatives.

2) 2 Hot Dogs is not a nourishing dinner. Have a slice of Pizza with it. You need a dairy product.

3) Don't ever grow muttonchops. They look ridiculous. And it draws the eye away from that fine looking comb over.

4. You can't vacuum an entire apartment with a dust buster. Hire a yearly cleaning service.

5. Make sure never to wear one black sock and one brown sock. They tell me that they don't go. You can get away with a black and blue pair, they go nicely.

6. Make sure that you keep the giveaway towels from the Knick games. They make wonderful doilys.

What is the future of The Black and White Cookie?

In a landmark United States Supreme Court decision in the jurisprudence of the United States, upholding the constitutionality of the Black and White Cookie, under the doctrine of "separate but equal".


The decision was handed down by a vote of 5 to 4, with the majority opinion written by Justice Clarence Thomas and the descent written by Justice John Paul Stevens. "Separate but equal" was doctrine in U.S. law until its repudiation in the 1954 Supreme Court decision Brown v. Board of Education.

Does this ruling of the Supreme Court repudiate Brown? Will all cookies have to be separate but equal? How does this affect The Mallomar? A cookie with white inside surrounded by a black outside?

Justice Thomas's decision paraphrased Justice Henry Billings Brown 1896, decision in Plessy vs. Ferguson, "We consider the underlying fallacy of the plaintiff's argument to consist in the assumption that the enforced separation of the two flavors stamps either flavor with a badge of inferiority. If this be so, it is not by reason of anything found in the act, but solely because those who insist the flavors be integrated choose to put that construction upon it."

The descent, emphatically stated, that they will not opine as to the constitutionality of the cookie, but object on the basis of citing Plessy. Justice John Paul Stevens, in what will likely turn out to be his final opinion, first chastised Justice Thomas for ending a sentence in a preposition. "Just because Justice Billings ended a sentence in a preposition in a bad decision in 1896, Stare decisis does not dictate that you follow suit."

Justice Stevens went on to say that he was glad he was leaving the court and would celebrate by having Oreo Cookies and Milk.

Marc in the Land of OZ

The wind was viciously blowing, even for Queens Boulevard, the Boulevard of Death. Nonetheless, I had to take a bicycle ride. I had just found my Schwinn Orange Krate.

I hadn’t seen it in years. I know that a man of 51 years old, 6' 2" tall and 240 plus pounds, looks absurd on a children’s bicycle, but I couldn’t resist. I was angry and needed a release. I had just finished listening to Anne Coulter spew her venom on the radio. Why do I listen to that garbage.

The wind kept getting worse and worse, I had to get home. Suddenly a giant gust took me over the Kennedy Building and I landed in a magical land that I’d never seen before. Wait, My God, I’ve hit someone. Oh No! I’ve landed on the Wicked Witch of the Far Right, Anne Coulter, herself! I know that I’ve got to get out before her cohort, the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right comes flying in on his industrialized vacuum cleaner seeking revenge.

I hear voices. They’re singing.

We represent the ACLU

The ACLU

And in the name of the ACLU

We welcome you to fantasy land!

They advise me to go see the great Guru of Chappaqua. Only he will know how to get me home and out of the clutches of the Big Fat Warlock of the far right.

So I hop on the Whitestone Expressway. Somehow, my Schwinn is still intact, boy were those made well! Shortly before the bridge, I see a man in a Paul Stuart Suit, with golden cufflinks on his monogrammed suit.

Marc: You’re obviously a lawyer. So why do you look so happy.

Lawyer: I’m one of the lucky ones. The law school forgot to give me any ethics.

Marc: I’m going to see the Guru of Chappaqua, maybe he can give you some ethics.

Lawyer: You’re kidding aren’t you?

Marc: Naive as it may sound, it’s part of the script.


(Lawyer)
I don’t want to work Pro Bono
That’s always been my Credo
I need my Mercedes Benz
And My Haircuts they cost Plenty
So it’s really elementary
I have no need for any friends.

I take a large retainer
Financially I’m the gainer
Their futures I portends

(Marc)
You are clearly narcissistic
So let’s not be unrealistic
You will never make amends

(Lawyer)
Oh, I wear silken ties
And Thousand dollar suits
With the judges I am often in cahoots
So I win all the Lawsuits

I am just a bottom dweller
Can not accept a failure
I take any large stipends
So it’s ethics I avoidI’ll never represent the unemployed
Or those who need to wear depends.



The lawyer sensing a possible personal injury suit, after all, a Schwinn on the Whitestone Bridge, agrees to come along.

As we get to the toll booth, we see a man in tattered clothes. Because I realize where this story is going, and that it won’t work without three companions, I decide to talk to him.

Marc: Are you a hippy?

Hippy: I once was, but now I’m a liberal who has lost his idealism!

Marc: Well that’s been known to happen. Look at Ed Koch and Dennis Miller. Why did it happen to you?

Hippy: I made a big windfall in the market.

Marc: This fellow is an unethical Lawyer. I’m sure he’ll gladly find a way to impoverish you.

Hippy: That’s alright, I’m not that upset!

Marc: We’re off to see the Great Guru of Chappagua, maybe he can give you back your idealism. But I have to warn you, we’re being followed by the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right.

Hippy: Do you think that he can help me.

Marc: Just by asking that question, I see that you haven’t lost all your naivety!

When a Hippy earns some money
His prior life is rather funny
And he can chase the Dead
Just because I’m the fool
Who is suddenly uncool
I’m no longer a Pothead

I was dirty, I was smelly
But now I sport a large pot belly
And Eat more then crummy sprouts
I have drinks with all the boys
While we all compare our toys
And discuss the Market's in and outs

Picture me a crowded bar
A raspy voice says low

(Waiter)
A Glass of Port

(Hippy)
Yes Sport

Just to listen to Cream
and have a Psychedelic Dream
My life was such a daze
I was careless, I was homeless
And more often then not soapless
How I miss the fog and haze.

As we approach Chappaqua we cross paths with the famous fundamentalist preacher, The Far Right Reverend I.M.A. Phony.

Yeah, I know I blamed Katrinas
On Men misusing their own Weiners
against Gods will they serve
so listen all you sinners
don’t be losers be all winners
sleep with Sally and not Irv.

You have tried all of the ruses
With no plausible excuses
Said the Lord you don’t deserve.
Therefore, I want all sinners censured

(Hippy)
My Old VW Bus not dented

(Lawyer)
And all my capital ventured

(Marc)
If the Guru is a Guru we deserve

(Lawyer)
Then I’m sure to get some cash

(Hippy)
Some Pot

(Marc)
Published

(Preacher)
Eternity




As we ride up the Major Deegan, we hear on the radio the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right:

My friends, the liberals have again attacked without

provocation our comrade Anne Coulter. All Dittoheads

must unite!


Is he kidding? Maybe he should have joined us for some veracity!

Finally we’ve reached the gates of the land of Clinton. Can he give us what we crave? Save us from the Big Fat Wicked Warlock of the Far Right! Give the Lawyer Ethics! Give the Hippy back his ideal; Please don't give the Preacher anything.

We’re granted an audience. A familiar voice from behind the curtain wants to know why he should grant his wishes. I can’t speak for Preacher and the Lawyer, but both the Hippy and I voted for you twice. And I know if she gets the nomination.

Strange noises are coming from behind the curtain. My God! He’s not alone! Monica is with him!

In the end none of our wishes were granted, except maybe the Guru’s wishes!