A Christmas Song by Nate King Cohen

Hot Dogs Roasting on an open fire,
Hebrew National you know,
The Shimah being sung by a choir,
And Bubby’s Schmatta doesn’t go.

Everybody knows Fricassee and a Pot Roast
Help to bind you so tight.
There’s no need to attempt to go,
We’re having Ex Lax with dessert tonight.

They know that Uncle Morty’s on his way;
He's loaded Halvah and Rugelach today.
And every mother's child is going to try,
To avoid Sophie’s Gefilte fish and fries.

And so I'm offering this simple truth,
To kids named Ike and Saul and Ruth
Although we’ve eaten each year with Irv and Fay
We’re going out for Chinese next Christmas day!

Bachmann's first state visit

Michelle Bachmann upon landing a position on the intelligence committee , plans a trip to the Far East Country of Manua. In order to brust up on their government she calls upon the wise sage of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin.

Palin: Alright, Michelle how can I help you?

Bachmann: Now look, I'm new on this committee. I’m doing my first state visit to a country called Manua. I need to know the names of the people that I’m going to see.
Do you know the guys' names?

Palin: Oh sure.

Bachmann: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Palin: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give diplomats peculiar names.

Palin: Now let's see. The Prime Minister is Hugh.

Bachmann: The Prime Minister is not me. I’m the Representative.

Palin: No me is the Secretary of Defense and I’m The Attorney General -

Bachmann: You can’t be the Attorney General

Palin: No Hugh is the Prime Minister.

Bachmann: Stop saying that I’m The Prime Minister.

Palin: I’m not the Prime Minister. I’m is the Attorney General.

Bachmann: How can you be the Attorney General of one country and running for President of another

Palin: You is not the Running for President, She is the Running for President.

Bachmann: She is the Running for President. I thought that You’re Running for President

Palin: No Your is the Secretary of Agriculture.

Bachmann: I’m not the Secretary of Agriculture and you lose my vote if you say I’m the Attorney General. Tell me the name of the U.N. Ambassador.

Palin: Tell me is the name of the Speaker of the House.

Bachmann: I don’t care about the Speaker of the House. I want to know the name of the U.N. Ambassador.

Palin: I want to know is the name of Minister of Finance.

Bachmann: I don’t care about the Minister of Finance. Do they have a U.S. Ambassador?

Palin: Of Course they have a U.S. Ambassador.

Bachmann: Does he have a name.

Palin: Of course.

Bachmann: Tell me his name?

Palin: Of course.

Bachmann: OK Tell me his name.

Palin: Of Course.

Bachmann: You going to tell me?.

Palin: I’m telling you, Of course.

Bachmann: So tell me.

Palin: She’s the head of Homeland Security - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.

Bachmann: Now, how did I get on Homeland Security?

Palin: You mentioned his name!

Bachmann: If I mentioned the Homeland Security's name, tell me what I said?

Palin: Oh he’s the Opposition Party.

Bachmann: Never mind the Opposition Party.

Palin: No - Never Mind’s been executed.

Bachmann: Huh?

Palin: No, Huh’s OK, he was acquitted

Bachmann: Well, I'm a war time Representative

Palin: I know that.

Bachmann: Now suppose that we decide to attack Manua. After a few weeks of heavy bombing they surrender.

Palin: Yes.

Bachmann: We negotiate a settlement with Hugh.

Palin: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Bachmann: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Palin: Well, that's all you have to do.

Bachmann: Hugh resigns.

Palin: Yes.

Bachmann: Now we’re dealing with She.

Palin: Maybe

Bachmann: So we’re negotiating with She.

Palin: Maybe!

Bachmann: Maybe?

Palin: Maybe

Bachmann: So we’re negotiating with Maybe.

Palin: NO, NO, NO! You’re negotiating with She.

Bachmann: Maybe.

Palin: That's right. There we go.

Bachmann: She then resigns. They ask me to deal with I’m. I’m not dealing with I’m.To Hell with them!

Palin: What was that?

Bachmann: To Hell With Them!


Palin: That’s the Chief Justice

Jurassic Pickle

New York Times
November 20, 2010
By: Paul E. Ontonigist

In what was until now a very well kept secret, the Museum of Natural History in New York has sponsored an Archeological exhibition by the site of the now defunct Sage Diner on Queens Boulevard in Woodside, New York.

Museum Curator, Lewis N. Clark said in yesterday's press conference, "This could be the greatest discovery, since Adam West found King Tut's Tomb. We have uncovered treasures, and have learned more about the eating habits of the early settlers of Queens, then we ever expected to know."

Among the artifacts that have been uncovered is a Black and White Cookie, that is believed to be from Paleozoic Period. The Cookie is perfectly round, approximately 4 inches in diameter. The rumors that 4 such cookies were uncovered has not been substantiated and will be further explored when the three Archeologists in charge of the dig are released from Elmhurst Hospital, where they are being treated for a mysterious case of dysentery.

Also found was a jar of prehistoric cole slaw, a petrified pickle that carbon dating places in The Jurassic Period, and a pair of size 16 knee high nylon stockings, believed to have always been the dress code for the waitresses at the Sage.

"Our work here is almost done," said Clark. "From here we move on to the corner of Queens Boulevard and Woodhaven Boulevard. It is believed that in ancient fast food restaurant, named Wetsons once stood there. It would be quite a coup to prove my theory that the cause of the extinction of the Dinosaurs was a greasy French Fry."

Anyone for a Nice Cup of Tea

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.

The year is 2010, the place is a county north of New York City, the people are a tiny handful of men and women with a dream. Just two years ago, they helped elect a young President, a man with a vision. Just two years later that vision had been crushed. Now the only one left in this group with the shadow of that dream is Harvey Shapiro. Harvey’s search for that vision will bring him into The Twilight Zone.

Some years after the 2008 election, Harvey Shapiro, a bright, good-natured fellow, living in a pleasant village at the foot of the Catskill Mountains. One autumn day, shortly after the 2010 elections, Harvey avoids his wife's incessant nagging by wandering into the mountains. Harvey discovers a man dressed in antiquated clothing, carrying a keg up the mountain, who requires Harvey's help. Without exchanging words, the two climb to a hollow in which Harvey discovers the source of previously-heard thunderous noises: there is a group of other ornately-dressed, silent, bearded men. . Although there is no conversation and Harvey does not ask the men who they are or how they know his name, he discreetly begins to drink some of their tea, and falls asleep.

He awakens in unusual circumstances: it seems to be morning, his beard has grown a foot long. Harvey returns to his village where he finds that he recognizes no one. He discovers that his wife and his close friends have left the area. He immediately gets into trouble when he tries to spend a five dollar bill, that has Abraham Lincoln’s face on it, not realizing that these have been out of print for years and replaced by those with the likeness of Rush Limbaugh.

The men he met in the mountains, Harvey learns, are rumored to be the tea Party loyalists, who have since taken over every aspect of American life. Harvey is told that he has apparently been away from the village for twenty years. Harvey is taken in by his daughter, Ellen, a loyal member of the Tea Party.

After dinner and talk, they sit around the television waiting for Ellen’s favorite show, “Late Nite with Christine O’Donnell.”He hears the announcer, “Ladies and Gentleman, from the Father Coughlin Theater on Sean Hannity Boulevard, in midtown Manhattan, Late Nite with Christine O’Donnell, featuring the Ted Nugent Orchestra. Tonight Christine’s guest are President Michelle Bachmann, Ambassador Glen Beck. I’m Joe the Plumber, here’s Christine.

”“Hey Joe,” Christine asks, “ Do you know how many Liberal’s it takes to change a lightbulb.?”

“What’s a Liberal?” asks Joe.

At this point Ellen explains to Harvey, that after the repeal of the First Amendment, Chief Justice Colture, declared that a strict construction of the Constitution allowed for the deportation of all those people whom the administration deemed “subversive.” This included most African Americans (Alan Keyes was not deported),all Jews except Joe Lieberman and all registerred Democrats. Mt. Rushmore was recarved to include our greatest President, Sarah Palin. That oil was discovered while drilling in Yosemite.Harvey was sweating.

“It must be 110 degrees in here.”

Ellen responded, “The last few winters have been this hot. Don’t worry that great scientist Bill O’Reilly explains that it’s a normal pattern.

”Suddenly Harvey is startled. “Wake up, Daddy,” he heard Ellen say. “You must’ve had a nightmare.”

Harvey was relieved.“Tell me about it in the car. Remember we’ve got our appointment with President Paladino, this morning.”

Rush and Anne in the Garden of Eden

Before creating plants or animals, God forms Rush "from the dust of the ground...and man became a living being." God sees what he has done and creates the figleaf.

God sets the man in the Garden of Eden and permits him to eat of all the fruit within it, except that of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, "for in the day that you eat of it you shall die." And man says unto God, “That’s two things that I have no use for, fruit and knowledge.”

God makes "every beast of the field and every bird of the air, ... and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name ... but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him." Yet man insisted upon restricting immigration into the Garden of Eden.

God causes the man to sleep, by giving him a prescription drug, and makes a woman from one of his ribs, and the man awakes and names his companion Woman, "because she was taken out of Man." Man is very upset with God, because he had saved that rib for his breakfast.

"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." Disgusted, but not ashamed.

The serpent tells the woman that she will not die if she eats the fruit of the tree: "When you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." And maybe we can get you a job on Fox News.

So the woman eats and gives to the man who also eats. "Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons." Man continues to eat, Woman purges herself of the food.

God curses the serpent: "upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life;" the woman he punishes with pain in childbirth and with subordination to man: "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you;" and the man he punishes with a life of toil: "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground." The man names his wife Anne, "because she was the mother of all living". And man, woman and serpent all blamed Obama, and God had not yet created him.

"Behold", says God, "the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil," and expels the couple from Eden, "lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever." The gate of Eden is sealed by a cherub and a flaming sword "to guard the way to the tree of life." And the man and the woman would never again be blessed with knowledge.

The Land of Guilt and Money

The story of Exodus tells how Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt and through the wilderness to the Mountain of God Sinai. There God, through Moses, gives the Israelites their laws and enters into a covenant with them, by which he will give them the land of Canaan in return for their faithfulness. The book ends with the construction of the Tabernacle.

According to tradition, Exodus and the other four books of the Torah were written by Moses in the latter half of the 2nd millennium BC. What if Moses, fictionalized some of the facts. What if it wasn’t the Sinai Desert that the Children of Israel walked through, what if it was New England.

Archeological evidence was just found that raises questions of the traditional story of Exodus. The evidence began with the finding of an ancient Chinese Restaurant along the shores of The Housitonic River. It is now believed that the Children of Israel, should be called the Kids from the Hood. For the beginning point was not Egypt, but Maine and their final destination was not Israel, but Manhattan.

An unnamed Pharaoh, fearful of the Israelites' numbers, orders his people to throw all newborn Hebrew (Israelite) boys into the Gulf of Maine. Many of the young men come out of the water with an interesting looking Crustacean. They call if a Lobstein, (the name was later shortened on Ellis Island to Lobster). The Jewish mothers, as was their tradition, with all food, boil the creature.

A Portland woman saves her baby by setting him adrift in the bathtub, where he is protected by the Whitefish she planned to serve that weekend. Pharaoh's daughter finds the child, and the Whitefish. Keeps the child, and brings him up as her own. Throws out the Whitefish, (Too many bones).

But the child, Moses is aware of his Hebrew origins, and one day, when grown, guilts an overseer who is eating a roast beef on white with mayonnaise. Moses is forced to flee into Kennebunkport, where while he was herding the flocks of his father-in-law George H. W., Moses encounters God, and God tells him to return to Portland and lead the Israelites into(Manhattan) the land promised to Abraham.

On Moses' return to Portland, God instructs him to appear before Pharaoh and inform him of God's demand that he let God's people go. Moses and his brother Aaron do so, but Pharaoh refuses. God causes a series of 10 plagues; 1)Chutzpah; 2) Dreck 3) Putz; 4) Kvetch; 5) Schmuck; 6) Mamzer; 7) Meshuggenner; 8) Nudnick; 9) Shlub and 10) Tsuris. But Pharaoh does not relent. God instructs Moses to institute the Passover sacrifice among the Israelites, but they don’t know to boil the Lobsteins, and all the children have to miss school because of Lobstein bites and stomach aches. Pharaoh agrees to let the Israelites go. Moses explains the meaning of the Passover: it is for Israel's salvation from Maine, so that the Israelites will not be required to do their own Lobsteining, but to buy them at the local Restaurant.

The Exodus begins. The Israelites, 600,000 men plus women and children and a mixed multitude, with their flocks and herds, set out for the mountain of God, located near the former site of Grossinger’s Hotel in the Catskill Mountains..

Pharaoh pursues the Israelites, and God destroys Pharaoh's army at the crossing of the Housitonic. The Israelites continue their journey, but immediately begin to complain of the hardships. In the Wilderness of Sin they complain about the lack of food and speak with longing of Maine, and God sends them Lobstein. At Bridgeport he provides water miraculously from a rock. The Local gangs of Bridgeport attack the Israelites and steal their water.

The Israelites arrive at the mountain of God. God asks whether they will agree to be his people, and the people accept. The people gather at the foot of the mountain, and are entertained by Shecky Greene while Moses and God take a schvitz together.

Moses goes up the mountain into the presence of God, who pronounces the Covenant Code, (a detailed code of ritual and civil law), and promises Manhattan to the Israelites if they obey.
Moses descends and writes down God's words and the people agree to keep them but something is lost in the translation, and the commandments appear as follows:

1) Thou shalt not have your sandwiches on White Bread.
2) Thou shalt not go into business with thy father;
3) Thou shalt call thy mother daily;
4) Thou shalt know all the Sports Statistics, except Nascar;
5) Thou shalt always answer a question, with a question;
6) Thou shalt never watch Fox News;
7) Thou should let your mother suffer, after all that’s what she really wants;
8) Thou shalt clean your plate, it’s good for you;
9) Thou shalt put on your mittens, because your mother is cold;
10) Thou shalt always know where to find great Chinese food.

Moses ultimately reaches Manhattan, but can’t enter. He forgot to refill his easy pass. God brings him to the Triboro Bridge to show him the land of Guilt and Money.

Little is known about California’s Proposition 9. It passed overwhelmingly with little fanfare. The amendment to the California Constitution, known as the Defense of Flatulence Act, simply states that a husband has the right to pass gas in public, despite his wife’s consternation.

This overrides a Decision of the California Supreme Court, that gave the wife the right to admonish the husband for public turgidity. This proposition created quite a stir in the Governor’s mansion, where Governor Schwarzenegger threw his full support behind the passage of the bill and his wife Maria Shriver described it as a stinker.

A protest in Sacramento, against Proposition 9, broke up when counter protester Rush Limbaugh showed up after having a diner of Franks and Beans. Limbaugh said, “My friends, we have defeated the Liberals in passing this important legislation. I can hear it now, Al Gore claiming that this is a defeat in the fight against global warming. It’s against the natural law to stifle a man’s natural instincts to blow one off every so often.

Legal experts claim that the law was poorly drafted, especially in light of the passage of proposition 8. Since the statute specifically uses the word wife and proposition 8 defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

The proponents argued for exclusively heterosexual flatulence while claiming that failure to change the constitution would require changes to school curriculum and threaten school lunch programs. The opponents argued that eliminating the rights of any Californian and mandating that one group of people be treated differently from everyone else was unfair and wrong.

Do same sex couples have the right to pass gas in public? When reached for comment a gay spokesman said, “We’ll let them have this right for themselves.”

Canada's New Immigration Problem

Canada's New Immigration Problem

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Manitoba, Canada
November 2, 2010

With a likely outcome of the Republican Party regaining control of the United States House of Representatives, a flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a Sarah Palin nomination in 2012, has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?' “

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences, but the liberals dug under them. So he tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Republican Majority establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. So much job training is needed it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service. At least they don't break equipment.


In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. “If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age.” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that these illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “

Tea Party Story Part 1

It started as Romeo and Juliet.

Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim made it into West Side Story.

The Republicans are trying to make it into Tea Party Story.

Here is Part 1.

__________________________________________________________________________

LIMBAUGH: (Spoken) Against the Dems we need every man we got.

BECK: (Spoken) The Tea Partier ain’t one of us.

LIMBAUGH: Cut it, Beck boy. I and Tea Partier are the leaders of the Reps.

BECK: Well, he acts like he don't wanna belong.

COULTER: Who wouldn't wanna belong to the Reps!

BECK: Tea Partier don't vote with us all the time.

HANNITY: What about the day we clobbered Medicaid?

O’REILLY: Which we couldn't have done without Tea Partier.

COULTER: He saved my ever-lovin' neck!

LIMBAUGH: Right! He's always come through for us and he will now.

(sings)
When you're a Rep,
You're a Rep all the way
From your first talk with God
Til the Feds take you away.

When you're a Rep,
If you’re caught in the can,
waiving hands all around,
We’ll run fast as we can!
The rich are never alone,
The Dems are feeling disconnected!
The White House is our home:
Congress should be disinfected,
Our money’s protected!

The Congress is ours
With a capital R,
You can keep your Ivory Towers
We’ve lowered the Bar.
You can keep your big Cars,
We are Political Stars!
(Spoken) I know Tea Partier like I know me. I guarantee you can count him in.

BECK: In, out, let's get crackin'.

O’REILLY: Where you gonna find Olberrmann?

LIMBAUGH: He’s on the Mall at the rally.

PALIN: But the District always goed Blue
LIMBAUGH: (innocently) I'm gonna make nice there! I'm only gonna challenge him.

O’REILLY: Great, Daddy-O!

LIMBAUGH: So everybody dress up sweet and sharp.

ALL (sing)
Oh, when the Reps go to a Place that is Blue,
We'll act like patriots through and through!
Hannity and Limbaugh will perpetuate our lies,
The Dems won’t explore, they’ll just ignore our unethical ties!

LIMBAUGH: (Spoken) Hey. Cool. Easy. Sweet. Meet Tea Partier and me at ten. And walk tall!

O’REILLY: We always walk tall!

COULTER: We're Reps!

BECK: The greatest!

BECK and COULTER (sing)
When you're a Rep,
You can own a gas guzzler,
Call the Dems, the damn elitists
How we fool them is a puzzler!

O’REILLY, BECK, PALIN
When you're a Rep,
You're the richest of men:
Little cash, your excluded;
Why earn one Mil, When there’s Ten!

ALL
The Reps create fear,
Our Swift Boats are connected!
The Dems'll will lose this year
'Cause no Liberal’s gonna get elected!
We’re well protected!
Here come the Reps
We’ll fix this election,
We’ve done it before,
They’ll never make the connection!

Here come the Reps:
Social programs we detest!
The rich get taxes cut,
Who cares about the rest!

We'll reclaim the House,
For Coulter and O’Reilly!
We'll control who’ll be your spouse,
We’ll win it oh so slyly.
And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Reps,
Yeah! We’ll continue what we’ve started!
Ev'ry Dem is going to lose
This is not for the Fainthearted!

IF Dr. Seuss had written The Gettysburg Address

I started to write this as a satire. Upon rereading the Gettysburg Address, I realized that Lincoln's words are too compelling to belittle. I think that Dr. Seuss would have agreed. So here is my version of how Dr. Seuss would have written The Gettyburg Address. No doubt he would have done it better on his own!
______________________________________________________________________________

In years numbering seven and eighty,

Came forth our founders

On land vast and mighty

with no room for doubters!




In Liberty they trusted

original words could have no sequel

Upon the Proposition

that all men were created equal.




Now its Brother verse Brother

In a battle of strength

Who’s outcome will determine

If this nation has Length.




We are here at the arena,

where many have perished

to dedicate that land

to those that were cherished.




So what we have done

Is

Right

Right

Right

Right

But in the grand scheme

do we have the right

to dedicate this holy land,

while our sons are still a fight.




Those men of great valor

both here and in heaven

have hallowed this land,

better than we can envision.




My words will soon be forgotten

But not many a brave troop

By grateful family, friends

whose loss can’t recoup.




It is for those of us left

to continue the sojourn

in memory of those

who made freedom their concern.




So here we assert

that those lives will have meaning

we’ll free those enslaved

and stop all their bleeding





For now this great nation

will purge its great poisons

For we shall endure

to be governed by its citizens.

Artie from the Tea Party

With apologies to Dr. Seuss

On the far-away land where all were egg white
Arty from the Tea Party was King of the Right
A Lilly White land, they had guns but no taxes
.Stay off Arty’s Lawn. That’s where he relaxes.
The folks of this land had all they would need.
Coulter and Fox News, the New York Post to read.

They did… until voters, decided to elect
,A man whose Pedigree they thought was suspect
“Prove he belongs here” said Artie one day.
“It says here Hawaii, that’s a land faraway.
With this sign in his hands, he took to the mall
It said “Dis Guys a feriner, he don’t tawk wit no drawl.”
“All Tea Party member were born here you see.
There’s O’Reilly, McTavish, Kowalski and me.
We didn’t vote for this man, I know he’s an alien
He’s a Muslim, A Jew, maybe even Episcopalian.

So Artie from the Tea Party, knew who’s fault was his lot
He blamed him for health care, taxes and his basement’s dry rot
Now Arty’s an expert on the books of the Bible
So if he calls you a sinner it’s truly not libel.
‘So if we allow men to marry,” Arty had stated
“would cause this nation’s values to be more desecrated.
”He is an expert on this institution.
Three times he’s been married, three times dissolution.

So Arty decided this man had to be beaten
“I’ll be your next leader.” stated this cretin
But soon that great Artie, that delusional one.
was ranting and raving, cause someone else won.
And the Citizens breathed a sigh of relief
Cause Arty from the Tea Party was not Commander-in Chief.

The end is near for two great species.

The department of the interior just released its newest list of endangered species. Two rarely seen animals have made the newest list "Truth" and "Facts."

Department spokesperson, Pearl Marcus, laid the blame squarely at the feet of talk radio. "These magnificent creatures are about to be taken away from us. It's difficult to ascertain why this catastrophe is happening. They can't be eaten. Everybody knows that the truth is hard to swallow."

Talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, an avid fact hunter himself, in response to Mrs. Marcus's comment. "My friends, this is the way Liberals lie. The truth is that we search for the facts, but they are very difficult to find. It's survival of the fittest, and the fact of life is that truth and facts can't survive in such a world."

The Obama administration is considering the release of a few pairs of wild truths in Yellowstone National Park. There it is believed to have no natural predator. There it is believed that it can coexist with it's cousin, Beauty, that has flourished in the park for many years.

David's return

The International Herald Tribune recently reported about myths surrounding Michelangelo's David and its mysterious magical qualities.

Among others, people around Florence have alleged for many years about seeing a pale naked man resembling the statue walking the streets at night. Rumors began to spread that like Pygmalion's Galatea, David had come to life!

Recently, The Accademia dell'Arte del Disegno, in Florence, inexplicably closed its doors for a few days. When pressed for an explanation, spokesman Rudolfo Laspari, said that they were just taking inventory, to be followed by a short vacation in the United States.

Shortly thereafter there were reports of a naked, circumcised man, walking the streets of New York. It was assumed that the man was the famous Naked Cowboy, for in fact the two, like Clark Kent and Superman , had never been seen together.

At a McDonald's Restaurant in Time Square, customers also claimed to spot the man. Then later that day at the Stage Deli having a large stuffed sandwich. Every day for two weeks there would be reported sitings, with one inconsistency, the man's weight.

Then suddenly one day at the Palm Steakhouse on Second Avenue an obese naked man was apprehended.

The headline in the New York Post read: Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure; Taken to Small Claims Court!

Bill O'Reilly of Fox News was outraged that the authorities said the evidence was too small to charge him with anything, but a misdemeanor!

As mysteriously as the man arrived he was bailed out. It would later be learned that he failed to show on his court date.

Suddenly, two days after this man was bailed out The Accademia dell'Arte del Disegno, in Florence, reopened with no explanation about it's short closing or the strange appearance of Michelangelo's David.

If Dr. Seuss took the Subway

It was a hot August Day
Her scent was “Eau de Pig lying in stool."
On the Train known as “A”
Upon his shoes, she did drool

He was standing
ignoring the underground noise.
When Morton heard the Barker peddling his toys.

- Batteries! - Batteries!

So Morton stopped reading, and asked all around.
"Why is he selling batteries, so deep underground"
Then a women did answer, in a voice loud as all thunder,
“Follow Jesus!” she cried, “or you’ll end up down under.”

"I can’t stand it." cried Morton,. "This commute to the Job.
I leave home as fresh as a daisy, but arrive quite a slob!"

Then he heard a loud crash, the drums and percussion!
"A Marching band," cried Morton, "I’ve gotta get out,”
“They’re rapping ‘Feelings.’ thought Morton, “This sucks without doubt.”

When in stepped a couple, just begging for dough,
wearing tattered blue jeans, but “Air Jordans” below!
"Their sneakers cost plenty, what’s that about?
Yet they’re begging for change, I can’t figure it out!"

"I’m just some poor worker, holding on to a strap
I'd love to say something, I better not open my trap.”

There no alternative to riding this train.
My boss has takes a limo, and he’ll still complain.

There stood an old woman, too proud to ask for a seat.A
young lady a cursing, sitting there at her feet.

And here stood old Morton, upon his commute.
While the man up against him, continued to toot!

“Oh Damn it,” thought Morton, “I’ll repeat this tonight.
”“I wish that this guy, had fewer beans with his bite!”

One more stop ‘til my exit, he thought with much glee.
He'd hoped to avoid this with a Master’s degree.

This is how Morton, begins every morning,
No one told him of this, it came without warning.

Thing's that I've learned on the MTA.

Having spent the better part of thirty years avoiding the City Buses, Subway Trains and The Long Island Railroad, I know realize that I may have deprived myself of a very valuable part of my education. Therefore friends, I will take all of you for a day on the MTA.

I will start our journey on Queens Boulevard. We're going into Manhattan. As I enter the bus I notice the kindly Octogenarian. She's leaning on her cane, so
that the exhausted High School Basketball team can all sit comfortably.

You can learn some colorful language if you listen in on their conversation. How nice the three year old girl across the aisle is also learning these new words.

Let's see what we can find on the back of the bus. Here we find the young lady describing, in detail, on her cellphone, the escapades of previous night, with her boyfriend's brother. She's planning on having them tattooed onto her arm in Chinese lettering.

Whew!! We hit 60th Street, let's take the number 6 train to Grand Central. Although it's a short trip, we hear all about the virtues of Jesus. When we get off at 42nd Street, on the way to the Number 7 Train, back to Queens, I am delighted to hear the lovely tones of the washboard band playing "You're having my baby."

On to the Number 7 train. Here comes my favorite person, the battery salesman. I'm always tempted to ask him if they are included. (Stolen from Steven Wright.) Here's a new guy, the squeegee man. My glasses have now been forcibly "cleaned" for Five dollars.

I'm going to get off at Woodside and take the Long Island Railroad.

"Ouch, what was that!" Damn it, I was hit by somebody clipping her nails. That's all for our short journey as we get off in Forest Hills. I'm walking home!

Heaven's new owner

Heaven wasn’t what he had expected. Upon making inquiries he learned that although God was still in charge, the corporation that had taken over some twelve years earlier, had decided that it was financially a losing venture, and retained it solely as a tax deduction.

This was his opportunity. George Steinbrenner would lead a group of financiers, and purchase Heaven from the corporation.

A surprise press conference was called. This was an unusual practice. The last one was called about 1700 years ago to announce the first publication of the Bible.

Reporter: Will you be a hands on owner?

George: I know about Baseball and building ships. I know nothing about Heaven or afterlife. All decisions will be left to my Celestial People. We plan absentee ownership as far as running Heaven is concerned.

Reporter: You made a similar statement when you took over the Yankees. How do we know this to be true?

George: When I was younger, I was a bit impatient and I made a few moves and decisions that in retrospect I shouldn't have made. But I have tried to go back and rectify those moves and mistakes.

“I am tough. Sometimes I’m unreasonable. I have to catch myself every once in a while.


Reporter: In your press release you stated that you have stated that you’ve made arrangements for Billy Martin to be moved upstairs. Do you think that he really belongs in Heaven?

George: I loved Billy Martin. I thought Billy Martin would be a great manager. The one thing that hurt Billy Martin was personal habits. People keep coming up to me and asking, 'How did it feel to be banned for life?' Banned for life. I wasn't banned for life. There was never a word of suspension, probation or ban in that agreement. It was never meant to be part of it. Nor should Billy be banned for life.

Reporter: What will Billy’s role be?

George: God has told me that he intends to retire at the end of next season. Billy will take a year rest and return as God’s replacement.

Reporter: Don’t you think that that is a little dangerous?

George: I loved Billy Martin. I thought Billy Martin would be a great manager. The one thing that hurt Billy Martin was personal habits. In fact, why don’t you ask him yourself?

(Suddenly appearing from beyond a curtain is Billy Martin)

Reporter: Billy, your personal conduct and your managing style are not exactly what eaven is used to, will you alter your methods?

Billy: I don't think so because I've got the reputation for being baseball's bad boy and I don't deserve it. But I think I'd make a good all mighty leader. For one thing, I know how to handle men. That's the secret of managing. For another, I know enough about the game, not fundamentals, but executing. I think I could get the most out of players with common sense and psychology. I'm fiery enough that I'd have their respect. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever get the chance and there's nothing in the world that can change that.

Reporter: Billy, the God of the Bible was known for his strict rules. Giving your history, will you be different?

Billy: I believe if God had ever managed, he would have been very aggressive, the way I manage.

Reporter: George, You just fired God and hired Billy Martin. You’ve fired Billy before, why are you so sure that you won’t fire him again?

George: Billy Martin will manage the entire season. When you're entrusted with a tradition, you've got to protect it. I would say our relationship really, and this may sound crazy -- we're pals.

I can't criticize Billy's style and personality. In many ways, it's a lot like mine.

Billy: What do you mean, “season,” this job was for eternity?

George: If I want to fire you, I’ll fire you.

Billy: Just like Jackson. The two of them deserved each other. One’s a born liar; the other's convicted.

George: Billy, you’re fired!

They saw mw coming!

I recently had my car serviced. These guys could tell me anything, I have no idea what they're talking about.

" Sir, your backslam is overheating. It must be replaced, along with your typenail."

" Is it typical that a typenail, goes so soon? I thought that they had corrected that problem on the newer models."


It's important that they don't realize that I'm ignorant about cars.

Computer Geeks speak a language that I'm convinced they don't even understand.

The tech who worked on my computer told me that I needed a new Frumpsh. That's a nice name. I wonder what a Frumpsh is? I didn't let him know that I didn't know. If he knows that you don't know, he can charge you anything!

"Marc...Your Frumpsh is out of RAM."

"Really, I thought that I had purchased an extra large Frumpsh."

"Size doesn't really matter."

But, Doctors are the best! I have no clue what their talking about. I think they're being honest with me. I just saw my Doctor. Nothing serious. He said that I have an overactive Allibixcus! This in turn has caused a dysfunction in my Splectix, which caused my phlonton to overflow. He doesn't think insurance will cover this. I wonder if this runs in my family?

Guy walks into a Bar

Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?" Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck". Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

If the man had walked into this bar in Minnesota, having crossed over from North Dakota, he could be arrested. It is illegal in Minnesota to cross state lines with a Duck on top of your head.

Such an event recently took place in the City of Moorhead, Minnesota, and gave this small city more publicity then it could handle.

Moorehead is across the Red River of the North from the City of Fargo, North Dakota. One of Fargo's more colorful residents is Thane Gustaffson. Gustaffson was a fairly amiable person, who in 1969, when he was 18 and of draft age, started to walk around with a Duck on his head.

Although that Duck is long gone, and there is no draft and Thane is nearing 60, he rarely leaves his home without a Duck on his head. In more than 40 years Thane has also not left North Dakota. All things changed on May 5, 2009. For on May 5, 2009, Thane crossed The Stillwater Lift Bridge over The Red River of the North into Moorhead.

He entered Red Erickson's Bar in Moorhead, where he was arrested by Sergeant Hank Blumenthal of the Moorhead police. Since this was the first such violation of this law in history, Blumenthal didn't realize what he was in for.

Blumenthal was a Tenth Amendment Advocate. He felt that this was the ideal case to show up those Left Wing Judges who legislate from the bench.

However he miscalculated, the case was immediately moved to The Federal District Court based upon the interstate commerce clause. There it was dismissed, not on it's merits, but based upon the fact that the law clearly was contradictory to Federal Regulation, that would allow Gustaffson to cross State line with a Duck on his head.

District Attorney Carol Super then decided to drop the case. Blumenthal then called the local branch of The Tea Party Movement, to protest what he believed was a violation of the Tenth Amendment.

Five Hundred Tea Partiers came from all over the country carrying signs. Cosmo Miranda of New York carried a sign the read "Teech the Bibel." Florence Winston of Kansas carried a sign, "Keap Mariage sacred. Between a Man and Women." Of all the signs, not one referred to the Tenth Amendment.

After two days the protesters left. During that time the hotels, store, restaurants and bars did more business then they had in the past two years.

The night that they left, Red Erickson placed a telephone call. "Your plan worked. I don't have to close down. They fell right into our hands. Thane, I have to tell you that it's great to have you for a cousin. What are you going to do now?"

"It seems that there is a law in Alabama, that it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. My Brother in law, Billy Bob, can use some help in his bait shop." Thane said worth a chuckle.

Rules for Bachelors

I was a bachelor for a long time. And through the help of my lovely wife I've become domesticated. So I feel that I'm as much of an expert as any to advise others who are bachelors. Here are simple rules to follow:

1) Time periods before food in the car must be thrown out:
A) Container of Milk 1 Day
B) Tuna Sandwich- 2 Days
C) Big Mac - 3 Days
D) Hostess Cupcakes- Keep them. They have enough preservatives.

2) 2 Hot Dogs is not a nourishing dinner. Have a slice of Pizza with it. You need a dairy product.

3) Don't ever grow muttonchops. They look ridiculous. And it draws the eye away from that fine looking comb over.

4. You can't vacuum an entire apartment with a dust buster. Hire a yearly cleaning service.

5. Make sure never to wear one black sock and one brown sock. They tell me that they don't go. You can get away with a black and blue pair, they go nicely.

6. Make sure that you keep the giveaway towels from the Knick games. They make wonderful doilys.

What is the future of The Black and White Cookie?

In a landmark United States Supreme Court decision in the jurisprudence of the United States, upholding the constitutionality of the Black and White Cookie, under the doctrine of "separate but equal".


The decision was handed down by a vote of 5 to 4, with the majority opinion written by Justice Clarence Thomas and the descent written by Justice John Paul Stevens. "Separate but equal" was doctrine in U.S. law until its repudiation in the 1954 Supreme Court decision Brown v. Board of Education.

Does this ruling of the Supreme Court repudiate Brown? Will all cookies have to be separate but equal? How does this affect The Mallomar? A cookie with white inside surrounded by a black outside?

Justice Thomas's decision paraphrased Justice Henry Billings Brown 1896, decision in Plessy vs. Ferguson, "We consider the underlying fallacy of the plaintiff's argument to consist in the assumption that the enforced separation of the two flavors stamps either flavor with a badge of inferiority. If this be so, it is not by reason of anything found in the act, but solely because those who insist the flavors be integrated choose to put that construction upon it."

The descent, emphatically stated, that they will not opine as to the constitutionality of the cookie, but object on the basis of citing Plessy. Justice John Paul Stevens, in what will likely turn out to be his final opinion, first chastised Justice Thomas for ending a sentence in a preposition. "Just because Justice Billings ended a sentence in a preposition in a bad decision in 1896, Stare decisis does not dictate that you follow suit."

Justice Stevens went on to say that he was glad he was leaving the court and would celebrate by having Oreo Cookies and Milk.

Marc in the Land of OZ

The wind was viciously blowing, even for Queens Boulevard, the Boulevard of Death. Nonetheless, I had to take a bicycle ride. I had just found my Schwinn Orange Krate.

I hadn’t seen it in years. I know that a man of 51 years old, 6' 2" tall and 240 plus pounds, looks absurd on a children’s bicycle, but I couldn’t resist. I was angry and needed a release. I had just finished listening to Anne Coulter spew her venom on the radio. Why do I listen to that garbage.

The wind kept getting worse and worse, I had to get home. Suddenly a giant gust took me over the Kennedy Building and I landed in a magical land that I’d never seen before. Wait, My God, I’ve hit someone. Oh No! I’ve landed on the Wicked Witch of the Far Right, Anne Coulter, herself! I know that I’ve got to get out before her cohort, the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right comes flying in on his industrialized vacuum cleaner seeking revenge.

I hear voices. They’re singing.

We represent the ACLU

The ACLU

And in the name of the ACLU

We welcome you to fantasy land!

They advise me to go see the great Guru of Chappaqua. Only he will know how to get me home and out of the clutches of the Big Fat Warlock of the far right.

So I hop on the Whitestone Expressway. Somehow, my Schwinn is still intact, boy were those made well! Shortly before the bridge, I see a man in a Paul Stuart Suit, with golden cufflinks on his monogrammed suit.

Marc: You’re obviously a lawyer. So why do you look so happy.

Lawyer: I’m one of the lucky ones. The law school forgot to give me any ethics.

Marc: I’m going to see the Guru of Chappaqua, maybe he can give you some ethics.

Lawyer: You’re kidding aren’t you?

Marc: Naive as it may sound, it’s part of the script.


(Lawyer)
I don’t want to work Pro Bono
That’s always been my Credo
I need my Mercedes Benz
And My Haircuts they cost Plenty
So it’s really elementary
I have no need for any friends.

I take a large retainer
Financially I’m the gainer
Their futures I portends

(Marc)
You are clearly narcissistic
So let’s not be unrealistic
You will never make amends

(Lawyer)
Oh, I wear silken ties
And Thousand dollar suits
With the judges I am often in cahoots
So I win all the Lawsuits

I am just a bottom dweller
Can not accept a failure
I take any large stipends
So it’s ethics I avoidI’ll never represent the unemployed
Or those who need to wear depends.



The lawyer sensing a possible personal injury suit, after all, a Schwinn on the Whitestone Bridge, agrees to come along.

As we get to the toll booth, we see a man in tattered clothes. Because I realize where this story is going, and that it won’t work without three companions, I decide to talk to him.

Marc: Are you a hippy?

Hippy: I once was, but now I’m a liberal who has lost his idealism!

Marc: Well that’s been known to happen. Look at Ed Koch and Dennis Miller. Why did it happen to you?

Hippy: I made a big windfall in the market.

Marc: This fellow is an unethical Lawyer. I’m sure he’ll gladly find a way to impoverish you.

Hippy: That’s alright, I’m not that upset!

Marc: We’re off to see the Great Guru of Chappagua, maybe he can give you back your idealism. But I have to warn you, we’re being followed by the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right.

Hippy: Do you think that he can help me.

Marc: Just by asking that question, I see that you haven’t lost all your naivety!

When a Hippy earns some money
His prior life is rather funny
And he can chase the Dead
Just because I’m the fool
Who is suddenly uncool
I’m no longer a Pothead

I was dirty, I was smelly
But now I sport a large pot belly
And Eat more then crummy sprouts
I have drinks with all the boys
While we all compare our toys
And discuss the Market's in and outs

Picture me a crowded bar
A raspy voice says low

(Waiter)
A Glass of Port

(Hippy)
Yes Sport

Just to listen to Cream
and have a Psychedelic Dream
My life was such a daze
I was careless, I was homeless
And more often then not soapless
How I miss the fog and haze.

As we approach Chappaqua we cross paths with the famous fundamentalist preacher, The Far Right Reverend I.M.A. Phony.

Yeah, I know I blamed Katrinas
On Men misusing their own Weiners
against Gods will they serve
so listen all you sinners
don’t be losers be all winners
sleep with Sally and not Irv.

You have tried all of the ruses
With no plausible excuses
Said the Lord you don’t deserve.
Therefore, I want all sinners censured

(Hippy)
My Old VW Bus not dented

(Lawyer)
And all my capital ventured

(Marc)
If the Guru is a Guru we deserve

(Lawyer)
Then I’m sure to get some cash

(Hippy)
Some Pot

(Marc)
Published

(Preacher)
Eternity




As we ride up the Major Deegan, we hear on the radio the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right:

My friends, the liberals have again attacked without

provocation our comrade Anne Coulter. All Dittoheads

must unite!


Is he kidding? Maybe he should have joined us for some veracity!

Finally we’ve reached the gates of the land of Clinton. Can he give us what we crave? Save us from the Big Fat Wicked Warlock of the Far Right! Give the Lawyer Ethics! Give the Hippy back his ideal; Please don't give the Preacher anything.

We’re granted an audience. A familiar voice from behind the curtain wants to know why he should grant his wishes. I can’t speak for Preacher and the Lawyer, but both the Hippy and I voted for you twice. And I know if she gets the nomination.

Strange noises are coming from behind the curtain. My God! He’s not alone! Monica is with him!

In the end none of our wishes were granted, except maybe the Guru’s wishes!

I need an After Life!

"The day of the Rapture is upon us" Harvey said to his wife upon wakening. He realized this by the strange color of the sky.

He felt that he had nothing to worry about, after all, he and Betty had led good lives. Surely those fundamentalists could not be right. There had to be a place for the Jews in Heaven. So they followed the crowd and boarded the SST. That was strange. "Why would God need an SST?" When the stewardess spoke, he knew that he was in trouble.

"Please buckle your seat belts as we prepare for takeoff on your flight to Enron Heaven. To some of you, this will be a stopover to other destinations. Don’t worry about your luggage, it won’t be needed in either place."

"Enron Heaven, my God, have they sold the naming rights to Heaven?" Harvey asked.

"Yes, a short time ago, God took Heaven public," explained the stewardess, "then just last week, Henry Ford was able to accumulate enough shares in a hostile takeover to force God out."

"Henry Ford, Betty we don’t stand a chance!"

"And what about God?" Henry asked , "What happened to him?"

" I understand that he was treated very well. He left with an enormous Golden Parachute."

"This is your pilot, Major Charles Lindbergh, speaking." A voice said from above.

The pilot went through the normal flight speech, but Harvey could hear nothing, all he kept thinking was Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh. Could it be any worse?

As they landed in Father Coughlin airport in Enron Heaven, they were immediately led to a room with a Jewish star on the door. The room was crowded, but he did recognize a few people. "Betty look, that’s Groucho Marx, talking to Hank Greenberg." At that moment a man approached a microphone.

"As you are aware, our leader, Mr. Ford, has commenced cleaning up the methods of the prior management. Therefore, we feel that the people in this room would be happier in a warmer climate."

With that all of the occupants of the room were led to another Jet. Just as Harvey was about to ask what this new destination was. He was handed a brochure. Hades- 2008. The cover said escape from the boring drudgeries of Heaven. Spend your next vacation in Hell.

It didn’t sound too bad. Harvey looked through the brochure for a Hotel room. There were four hotels that stood out, The Hades Hilton, The River Styx Ramada, Damien’s Diplomat and Satan’s Sheraton. He decided that they would try the Hades Hilton.

They arrived at the front desk. "What can I do for you?" Asked the clerk.

"My name is Shapiro, I’d like a room."

"I’m sorry there isn’t a room in the hotel. For that matter, I understand that hell is completely booked."

"Wait a minute, I just heard that woman on the telephone, say that there are plenty of rooms."

"I think that you should leave."

Harvey realized, what had happened. Hell was restricted. He was a man without an afterlife,

They left the HIlton. Not knowing where to go they took the bus to Purgatory.

When the bus arrived at Purgatory, they immediately took notice of how lush the landscape was. They asked the first person that they saw for an explanation. He explained "This was once a barren desert. After we were chased from Heaven and not allowed in Hell, we settled here to make this our homeland. We have taken a desert and made it into an oasis."

The Laws of Gravity

The New York Times, June 27, 2010

It appears that the Democrats may not have enough votes to overturn the Republican Filibuster threatened on Bill 846, The Laws of Gravity.

At the hearing today, Senator Windbag rose to his feet, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is important legislation that I propose today." The Democrat from New York said. "Imagine the state of the universe if we don't extend The Law of Gravity."

"I do protest, Sir. My dear friend is trying to drop this legislation in our lap." Responded Senator Cracker of South Carolina. "With such legislation, how is the South to rise again?"

Outside of the Capitol Building, Tea Party Protesters, led by Representative Shitforbrains of Minnesota and ex-Governor Pileon of Alaska could be heard as they floated by the majestic building.

The Laws of Gravity, passed by The Congress in 1848 are due to expire in 2012. Republicans led by Senator Cracker are threatening a filibuster, claiming that that Gravity has proven to be too costly.

Senator Altacocker of Arizona added, "By not extending this legislation, we could easily solve our immigration problem."

President Aretheyforreal stated, "It's time for us to keep two feet on the ground. Because it is unclear how much longer we will be able to do so."

To be a Curmudgeon, or not to be a Curmudgeon that is the question.

Do I return to my curmudgeon days? I’ve been asked not to let the curmudgeon die. Frankly it has always been an essential part of my personality. I decided to sleep on it, while doing so I had what I thought was an interesting dream.

As I dozed off, I met by a man. It’s a face that I recognize, my god its Rod Serling.

Serling: You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.

Jello: Alright, cut the nonsense, where am I?

Serling: You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone





Jello: Twilight? You’re early it's midnight.

Serling: Look, it’s a dream, play along. You will enter three rooms. There will be a guide in each room to take you to a sage. You decide who is the sage. Only one sage has the right answer. Choose your door.



Being very pragmatic, I choose door number 1. I’m met by a guide. A man I recognize in a Yankee Uniform. The ultimate Curmudgeon, Thurman Munson.

Jello: Thurman, what are you doing here?

Thurman: I don’t talk to writers.

Jello: But, you’re my guide.

Thurman: Alright, I’ll make an exception but, don’t tell anyone. I’m to take you to the Sage of Baseball past.

Jello: Thurman, is this heaven.

Thurman: It might be they don’t allow owners.

Jello: Who are those two guys on the floor.

Thurman: Oh, that’s Cap Anson and Ty Cobb. Their bigoted comments finally ticked off Jackie Robinson and Hank Greenberg enough.

Jello: Where are you taking me?

Thurman: To meet Mickey.

We pass by some tremendous lines. There was Babe Ruth giving away Hot Dogs, a headless Ted Williams teaching hitting. (Those damn kids and their cryogenitcs.) It seemed that it was visiting day so the second longest line was for Joe Dimaggio. Everyone thought that Marilyn would be there.

Then we came to the longest line, It had to be Mickey. Yup, he was signing autographs. After waiting an interminable length of time and getting an autograph, I asked Mickey should I remain a curmudgeon?

Mickey said in that famous Oklahoma drawl, I don’t know kid what’s a curmudgeon? Clearly that was not the right door!





On to door number 2. I’m met at that door by a very familiar face, wearing a red wig and a top hat.

Jello: Harpo! Where am I?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: Oh the hall of great comedy! Well you know who I’m here to see.

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: Oh, he’s taping. Could you get me on the show?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: By the way aren’t those two guys in Baseball Uniforms in the wrong place?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: Oh! I didn’t recognize Abbott and Costello, wow they have to get a life! Oops, sorry I forgot where I am.

Harpo, is that who I think?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Jello: W.C. Fields, I must speak to him, he’s close to the ultimate curmudgeon!

Jello: W.C. should I remain a curmudgeon?

W.C.: Get away from me kid you bother me.

We now enter a studio, a studio of a different time and place. We have entered the Groucho Zone. This is a lifelong dream, I’m even willing to put up with the cigar.

Groucho: Welcome to "You Bet Your Life," say the secret word and the duck will come down and give you each fifty dollars. It's something you see every day... Now, you are... Marc and Harpo Marx. Are you married?

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Groucho: Is that Marc Marx?

Marc: No Groucho. I came to ask you a question. Telephone, sink, bathtub.

Groucho: I'll ask the questions around here! Unless you want to give me fifty dollars. Anyway, you're a delightful couple and I'd love to go on talking to both of you, but it's time to play the game. Fenneman? Explain the rules.

FENNEMAN: The object is to answer four questions in a row correctly. Two incorrect answers in a row and you're out. Answer four in a row correctly and you get to come back and try for five or ten thousand dollars. The categories are "Geography," "Art and Artists," "Movies and Movie Stars," "War and Warriors," and "General Information.".

Jello: Groucho, I don’t have time. I’m going to wake up soon. Couch, Toilet, Stove. Should I remain a curmudgeon?

Groucho: My belief is if you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone go ahead and say it!

Jello: Groucho, this is heaven. Dishwasher, dresser, sink. You can’t still believe that!

Harpo: Honk, Honk

Groucho: Scram, you can leave in a Taxi, if you can’t get a Taxi, you can leave in a Huff. If’s that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a Huff!



Disappointed, I’m on to door number 3.


A bespeckled familiar face greets me. It’s Buddy Holly!

Jello: Buddy, it’s great to meet you.

Buddy: Oh, Boy!

Jello: Are you the guide?

Buddy: Everyday.

Jello: You know where I want to go.

Buddy: Maybe, Baby.

Jello: Come on. Take me to see John.

Buddy: Rave On.

We take a Taxi, driven by Harry Chapin, past the Dock of the Bay. We see Marvin Gaye trying to teach some raisins to sing. Elvis is trying to leave the building, but he’s so fat he can’t get through the door. Then I see them. George and John. They’re in a deep conversation.

George: John look where we are, I was right, you have to change the words!

John: I can’t change the words, It will spoil the meter. It doesn’t sound right..."Imagine, there's a heaven."


This goes on and on until I have to leave. On my way out I bump into Rick Nelson. What the hell, I’ll ask him.

Jello: Rick, should I remain a curmudgeon?

Rick: You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself!

I don't think that I have Allodoxaphobia

I don't think that I have Allodoxaphobia, but I'm afraid that I can't make up my mind. I can't remember if I have Amnesiphobia. My wife cured me of Anuptaphobia.

I don't have Chorophobia. I just have no rhythm. I wouldn't be writing this if I had Cyberphobia.

I can't decide if I have Decidophobia. I don't have Ephebiaphobia, I just find teenagers obnoxious. I'm embarrassed, I may have Ereuthrophobia.

Did you know that there is a word Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia?

I pity the poor man who has Ithyphallophobia.

What kind of Lawyer would I be if I had Liticaphobia.

Can you imagine the poor person who has both Medorthophobia and Megalophobia?

I'm going to sleep on it and I'll tell you in the morning if I have Oneirophobia.

Oprah Winfrey doesn't have Porphyrophobia.

This post is evidence that I don't have Sesquipedalophobia.

And somebody must have Phobophobia. There wouldn't be a world otherwise.

Sarah Palin- A Musical- Scene 1

Our story begins with Sarah Palin perched in a mansion in Alaska in Spring 2010. The action descends to Montana where Dick, the Former Vice President of the US, is plotting his future, where he suddenly realizes that his best chance is to have somebody sympathetic to him in the White House

(To The Tune of Chim Chiminey)

[Dick:]
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be

Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for you!
Wealth will seep down if
you let me Drill through
I’ll Drill off the Gulf coast
You’ll make money too

Now as the matter of fact
I’ve got riches ample
I want to keep it that way
So no soil sample

Though I spend my time now
Maligning The President
If my strategy works
There’ll be a new resident

Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be


Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for you!
A few blackened Ducks from the coast
won’t spoil your view

[Oilmen:]
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be


Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for you!
When we Drill the Gulf dry
We will conquer Peru

[Dick:]
I drill my holes deep and wide
Yes, I do
And if a little leaks out
We’ll blame it on you

For our time is today
And precious money’s a wastin’
for Fish and the Fowl
Are only for tastin’

For at the end of the day
And the end of the night
Where oil is drilled
We’ll accept all the blight
For money is made
And that’s cause for excite

[Sarah:]
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me!
An oil man’s as Wealthy
As Wealthy can be

[Dick:]
Now is no time
for alternative fuels

[Both:]
we can sacrifice some Ducks if you
"Drill Drill for me
Drill for you!"
On the Drill Drill for me
Drill Drill for me
Drill for you

(To be Continued)

How to spot a Successful Lawyer

"You see a man with his eyes set...
...and his head on a bias and his teeth like a mule's.
He'd as soon hang your guts on a fence as say, "Good morning."
He's a Lawyer.
Proud and feared of nothing...
...because there ain't nothing he gotta bow down to.
Every man tips his hat. Every boy knows his name.
Ain't no place he ain't welcome.
When a Lawyer's around, trouble naturally stays away.
Folks saying, "Hiya, Kid!"
"How you doing, Kid?"
"Come in for a pitcher of milk and gingerbread!"
Or, "Come up here and cool your heels. It's hot outside."
Because nobody don't make no fun...
...of a friend of An Attorney. (Paraphrased from Cat Ballou)

I've been a Lawyer for 27 years. For most of those years I have mistakenly believed that it was knowledge and honesty that would make me successful. I may have been wrong.

How to Spot a Successful Lawyer:

1) Everyone must know what he does for a living. Therefore, he has a vanity license plate that indicates that he is a Lawyer. It might say something like Litag8tor or PILawyer or just the initials ESQ.

2) His initials are embroidered on his shirt sleeve. Why is this necessary?

3) He is the only person, not doing a crossword puzzle, who uses the word Ergo. I must admit, that although I haven't been invited into this secret Lawyer club, I've used the word Ergo.

4) Speak in initials, but bill for the entire word. "I have a PC at the SC with DC
this PM."

5) He is carrying a Yellow pad.

6) Tell a Lawyer joke. Watch him, he'll get indignant, as if you told an ethnic joke. You can be sure that he will repeat the joke to another Lawyer.

Jesus and Moses go to Dinner

Moses and Jesus go to Dinner.

Feb. 5th, 2008 at 8:29 AM


A cab pulls up to an Italian Restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Out step two bearded men in robes and sandals. The thinner man’s robe is white, the other man has a robe of multi colors with the words Abacrombie and Fitch written across the back. Jesus and Moses have come for dinner.

Addressing the cabdriver, Moses says, "Thanks Mohammed, for the ride. I'll put a good word in for you with the boss." Then addressing his companion he states, "Man, the guy moves one mountain and he thinks that he’s special."

J: That’s a nice robe, where did you get it from ?

M: I borrowed it from Joseph.

J: What kind of Restaurant is this?

M: It’s Italian, you’ll like it. The Pope takes the misses here when he’s in town.

J. It’s not kosher. He’s going to be angry! Let’s just go to Zabars.

M: He’ll never know.

J: The way you eat, there’ll be tomato sauce all over the robe. Remember what he did to Adam and Eve. And, that was only an Apple!

M: That’s the beauty of this robe. I can always say Joseph did it! His brothers will swear to it!

As they enter the Restaurant, the crowd murmurs, a Paparazzi takes their picture. Little David acting as their bodyguard takes the camera from the Paparazzi. The waiter brings bread to their table.

J: This is my body you eat!

M: Why must you be so melodramatic? Now I have that image in my head, that won’t go away all day. Do me a favor, when we get the wine, don’t tell me it’s your blood. I’m not one of your Apostles!

Waiter: Are you gentlemen ready to order?

M: Do you take Heaven Express credit card?

W: Yes, we do.

M: Good, I get double points! I need the miles. We’ll have two House salads, I’ll have the Shrimp Scampi and Jesus here will have the Veal Parmigiana. Also, please bring us a bottle of your best Chianti. And for God’s sake can we please have some water. I’m still parched from 40 years in the desert.

After finishing a fine meal the Heavens open up, they hear claps of thunder. From their window they see lightning.

M: Jesus Christ!

J: Yes?

M: Sorry, it’s just an expression. I guess that he’s angry. We better get the check.

The waiter brings the check. It is printed upon two stone tablets.

M: Very funny! Oh No!

J: What is it?

M: The bill says, the meals on me, but you’re spending the next 40 years wandering Staten Island. My God, that’s worse than the Desert!

J: I told you that we shouldn’t eat non Kosher. I guess that he realized that I was influenced by you and I’ve been forgiven.

M: Not exactly.

J: Not that!

M: Yes!

J: Alright, but by the way, where does one find a Leper Colony in North America?

Talky Sarah

Talky Sarah, a doll that does everything, a lifelike creation of plastic and springs and painted smile. To Senator John McCain, she was a most unwelcome addition to his household, but without her he'd never enter the Twilight Zone. ”

It's The Republican Convention and the Fundamentalists are excited about their new present. As they arrive at the convention they are instructed to run inside and see their new doll, not to show it to the the Senator. However, the The Fundamentalists are stopped by The Senator, as they enter the arena. They are is eager to show off her new present, a talking doll called "Talky Sarah", which repeats "My name is Talky Sarah, and I love you very much!" McCain demands to know how much it will cost him in lost votes. The Fundamentalist leader responds that they have wanted this doll for months and that she charged it. The Senator angrily states that The Fundamentalists do not need another doll. The Fundamentalists flee the room, leaving Talky Sarah behind.

The Senator examines the doll. He hears it say "I don't think I like you", and throws it across the room. The Fundamentalist leader re-enters, and we learn that The Senator doesn't really want Sarah as his running mate and is bitter because he cannot choose his own; further, that it was The Fundamentalist leader who insisted upon "Talky Sarah."

At the dinner table, The Leader coaches Sarah. The Senator becomes annoyed, and The Leader declares that Sarah is good for the Nation it gives them someone to look at. The Senator catches the doll winking at him, while the others are looking elsewhere at the table.

"My name is Talky Sarah, and you'll be sorry"

Left alone with the doll, McCain hears it say "My name is Talky Sarah and I'm beginning to hate you." He replies, "My name is John Mccain, and I don't approve this message. I'm going to get rid of you" Sarah exclaims "You wouldn't dare! The Leader would hate you, and I would hate you." Mccain places a match next to Tina, who gasps. He says "Then you have feelings!" The doll replies "Doesn't everything?"

Finding the doll, The Senator sends it to Charlie Gibson. When The Leader seeks the doll, he tells her he doesn't know where it is. Later, the telephone rings. McCain answers; and hears the voice on the other end says, "My name is Talky Sarah, and I'm going to replace you."

He checks the late night TV and is startled to find Sarah is on with Sean Hannity. He accuses The Leader of teaming up with Fox News to frighten him.

The Leader desperately tries to threaten McCain. The Senator starts to come to the chilling realization that he is not the source of Sarah's taunts. It's something more. Unexplained. Frightening.

Now knowing he must destroy the doll to save his political life, he arranges for the doll to appear with Katie Couric, but her bumbling only endears herself more to the Fundamentalist Leader. He hears the doll mockingly laugh at him.

Realizing he is unable to damage the doll, he coaches the doll for it's big Vice Presidential Debate. As he gives her misinformation, he hears it laugh. He returns to the Senate to find The Fundamentalist Leader planning to back Bob Barr. "Senator, how could you!?" Returning to his Office, he is relieved to see Sarah still there. As he approaches the doll, it says "My name is Talky Sarah, and I don't forgive you!"

Election night, The Senator and Talky Sarah lose. She turns to him and says, "My name is Talky Sarah and I was almost only one 72 year old heartbeat away from being President."

Surprisingly Talky Sarah has now gotten what she wanted. she not only is the symbol of The Fundamentalists. Talky Sarah sets her goals on 2012. She knows she needs more support.

She orders the manufacturer "Make similar dolls to me. We market it as Talky Sarah's Tea Party."

God's Conversation with David

God: David, please come here, I'd like to speak to you about a small problem.

David: Very funny God, why do you have to use the word small?

God: Just a little heavenly humor. Michelangelo says that you've been giving him a hard time again. What's that all about?

David: Enough with the heavenly humor, do you have to use the word hard? You see how he sculpted me. You made me, you know that it's not true.

God: What difference does that make. Do you have to shoot at him with your slingshot? I don't know what to do with you.

David: Why don't you ask Solomon for advise? He's always been your favorite.

God: Would you cut out that jealousy stuff. Anyhow I did ask him and what he suggested was impractical.

David: What was that?

God: He said that we should cut you in half. That man hasn't had an original idea in 3,500 years. I still don't understand the problem.

David: I can't get a date. All of the women think that Michelangelo's sculpture was true to proportion.

God: But you're married. What about Bathsheba?

David: She left me. She couldn't take the kidding from the other women.

God: What did they say?

David: Oh, Mary Magdalen said that "That looks like a Penis only smaller."

God: Well she would know. Clearly someone will date you.

David: Rahab will, but you know that if you pay her enough she'll date anyone.