The Sarah Palin Comedy Hour

Nobody knew what to expect. It had been first announced on the Hannity show. This Saturday Night, Roger Ayles, the man who brought you "Are You Smarter that a Liberal,” and "Survivor, New York,” brings to television his latest in a serious of innovated, fair and balanced ideas. Be sure to have your sets tuned to Fox, Saturday at 8:00 P.M. Eastern Standard Time.


The time had finally come, the suspense was unbearable. A female voice is heard. “Ladies and Gentleman, Roger Ayles, is proud to bring you ‘The Sarah Palin Comedy Hour.’ Starring Sarah Palin, with The Ted Nugent Orchestra. I’m Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Tonight Sarah’s guests are of Sean Hannity and Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney anf musically guest Anton Scalia and the Supremes. And, now without further ado, here’s Sarah.”


Nugent’s Orchestra breaks into a surprising tune, “I feel pretty.” As the hostess reaches the microphone, and joined by the Palin children, she begins to sing:


Sarah I see Russia, Big, Bad Russia, I see Russia and Russia sees me! And I would’ve crushed her If you had only elected me to be VP.


I’m for drilling, Lots of drilling It's thrilling how drilling can be! So the drilling Would have escalated if I were VP.


I’m the beauty Queen from the Bering Strait: I got my make up and clothing for free. Free for a pretty face, Free for a pretty dress, Free for a pretty smile, Free for a pretty me!


I was running And campaigning, I was debating and relating with joy, While I slanderedThe Senator from Illinois!


Children This is my Mother the former Running Mate, The most powerful Mom on the ice She approves of her children who procreate, As long as we don’t use a Birth Control Device.


She should be VP. be one heartbeat away. If she were VP, Noone would ever disobey.


Where we live you need heat Cause it’s zero degrees, We get Polar Bear meat, From our local Hardees.


Mom makes more money nowShe’s on Hannity! Here are the books that she’ll disavow They violate Christianity!


She once was obscure, But now she’s maligned, She’s going on tour Leaving Dad in a bind!


Sarah I see Russia, Big, bad RussiaThey despise us because we are free. Salt Lake City Is full of real Americans, like me.


Children Ma ma ma ma . . .


Sarah It stopped snowing, It is sunny, It’s so sunny and it’s only July, It’s so sunny, That my parka is nearly dry!


Children Ma ma ma ma . . .


Sarah I can see the KGB from the Bering Strait:


Children What KGB where?


Sarah You know that he’d rather be free.


Children Which? What? Where? Whom?


Sarah Free for a pretty face, Free for a pretty dress, Free for a pretty smile, Free for a pretty me!


Children




Free for a pretty me!


ALL I was running To be the first female VP, And it was stunning when I get to see, the expression On the face of Hillary C!



“Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.   How many Presidents does it take to get a birth certificate?  We may never know, because he hasn’t gotten one yet.”  The special audience which consists of noted luminaries “Joe the plumber,” Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachmann, let out a hardy groan followed by a loud laugh.    Sarah’s daughter, Bristol, acting as producer had mixed up the audience’s cue cards.


“Without further ado, let me introduce a great American and a heck of a funny guy, Sean Hannity.”


Sean walks to center stage and immediately starts his comedy routine, “I just heard the President’s plan to reduce unemployment, Death Panels.” The audience roars with laughter.


Hannity continues his famous routine, “How many Liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?  None, that would mean that they’d have to work.”    The audience loves himRoger Ayles is thrilled.  This could be the biggest hit since “The Howard Cosell Show.”  Executive Producer, Rush Limbaugh, is beside himself, therefore occupying four seats/


The second guest is Mitt Romney.  Unbeknownst to eeverybody but Nugent and the orchestra, Romney, with the Orchestra’s accompaniment, breaks into song.


All I am is a Billionaire.
Who will repeal Obama care
With all my perfect hair
Aow, wouldn't Mitt be loverly?


Lots of friends working on Wall Street,
Only seen with the true elite.
Another Liberal defeat
Aow, wouldn't Mitt be loverly?


Aow, so loverly eliminating social programs like goodwill
We can filibuster 'till the right wing
Takes over on the Hill.
Barak  soon will be history,
 He will have to concede to me,
I am the Nominee.
Aow, wouldn't Mitt be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly


Sarah, realizing that she is running overtime, immediately calls for Scalia and the Supremes to end the show.  They surprise the audience with a Gilbert and Sullivan tune.



I am the very model of a modern Libertarian.
I know we shouldn't pay for Education or Librarians.
 I know the Representatives and find them all hysterical.
From Barney Frank to Boehmer, I think them all quite Comical.


I very well acquainted too with matters economical
I can quote you from supply side to Reagan's fantaphysical.
With leaders of the tea party I vote for Reds and not the Blues.
My opinion is it is a crime to collect the Union’s dues.
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
I’m really quite familiar with matters that are agrarian.
 Keep your fat ass off my lawn I’ll repeat til I’m an Octogenarian.


In fact in matters economic, political and social
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian
In fact in matters economic, political and social
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian

The Battles of Greenwich and Bayonne

The suggestion was made , to me, yesterday that in order to settle the issue of gun control, that citizens of those states that want such legislation stay out of states that disapprove and vice versa. This could result in conflict between the States

It wasn't over guns, but Soda, when The Battles of Greewich and Bayonne occured.

New York Times July 23, 2012
 With the announcement last week that Governor Cuomo was set to extent Mayor Blumberg’s ban on the sale of large sodas, an unlikely conflict has broken out between the States of New York, Connecticut and New Jersey when Connecticut Resident Pierce Wainright III objected to the law, “Not that I care about ‘Big Gulps’ but what next are they going to take away our Lattes?” Wainright asked.
Fights broke out in the boarder community of Rye, New York and Cos Cob, Connecticut. Both the New York State and Connecticut national guards were called in to quell the disruption. Thus begun the battle of Greenwich.

The Connecticut National Guard were dressed in the traditional Izod Shirt, with the Yellow and Green Sweater draped around the neck and penny loafers without socks of course. The New York National Guard were in their Air Jordan sneakers, pants raised to the middle of their rear end with the boxer shorts sticking out and Che Guevara T-shirts.

Talks were progressing smoothly until Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut announced that he was throwing his support behind the New York contingent. This satisfied the group from Connecticut, but caused the group from New York to react violently. Many hot dogs and mocha lattes were sacrificed in battle.

The initial volley in this battle of words was started when a New York hurled the traditional battle cries of “Up Yours,” and “Your Mother!” The attack caught Connecticut totally unprepared, who are now awaiting reinforcements from the Yale and Wesleyan debate teams.
When tempers seemed to be cooling another battle began Southwest of Greenwich, when Bayonne resident, who wanted to remain anonymous, because he couldn’t spell his name, dressed in his traditional Speedo Bathing suit and Mesh T-shirt began lobbing Salty Pretzels and Fried dough into Staten Island. In a written statement he said, “Who, da (sic) (expletive deleted) dos (sic) dat (sic) (expletive deleted) mayor tink (sic) dat (sic) he is. Dis (sic) is (expletive deleted) Amerika (sic), and we’s free to eat any (expletive deleted) we’s want to.

Following that statement, Wainright offered the following statement in limited support of New Jersey's position, " Although I agree in principle with the 'gentleman' from New Jersey, I am appaled that he ended his sentence in a preposition."

Not since the civil war has there been such ugliness between the states.

MASSAPEQUA DREAMIN'

All the costs are down
at the mall today
She dragged me to go shop
on this holiday

I'd be safe and warm
if this were a workday
Massapequa Dreamin'
on such a discount day

stopped in a shoe store
Near the Internet café                    
while, I went to save the world
on my blog today.

you know I left her uncontrolled
with my credit card today
Massapequa Dreamin'
on such a discount day

Now I’m overdrawn
how am I to pay
But she has six pairs of new shoes,
to show the girls this day

wish I didn’t leave her
in the store today
Massapequa Dreamin'
on such a discount day

All My Laundry

Kids will or have come home from school. With them they will be bringing a gift for their mothers.. To the tune of "All My Loving."

You are home, son I missed you
You brought your wash with you; 
Remember don’t put the white with the blue.
And while you were away, 
you wore the same socks ev'ry day, 
And now you’ve brought all your laundry home too.

I'll pretend that I'm rinsing 
The socks that you’re missing
These Pants smell like a baby Gnu.
And while you were away,
did you wash even one day
Or expect me to laundry for you?

All your laundry I will do for you.
All your laundry, darling was that blue?

Old Country Road

if John Denver had lived on Long Island:

Almost shopping, Mineola
Jericho Turnpike
Wantagh Parkway -
You can eat there
Start with some Chinese
Moo Goo Gai Pan
It’ll make you sneeze

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road

There are clothes for, my youngest daughter
Polyester, wash them in cold water
Jeans and dresses, painted on her thigh
At the food court we’ll dine
indigestion from french fries

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road

I hear his voice
In the end month he tells me
Honey, you have overdrawn, and we’ve got no money left to pay
And drivin' to the mall I start a callin'
for additional credit cards today, yes today

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road
Take me home, now Old Country Road
Take me home, now Old Country Road

The Shady Bunch

Here's the story of a right wing party
That was telling some very nasty tales
They were all about Barack Obama
And how his white house fails

Heres the story of Willard Romney
Who folks knew as Mitt
He opposed men who lived together
But he was full of shit

Till the one day when this party picked Mitt Romney
And they new that he was clearly out to lunch
But they knew what was good for your family
That's the way they became the Shady Bunch

Occupying Sesame Street

Upon the Street, that seemed so sweet
The climate was changing attitudes were rearranging.
When the muppets, all non indiscrete, decided to occupy Sesame Street.
It started with Cookie Monster, who when smacking his lips
started his morning counting his chips.
He let out a roar after counting the stacks
4 out of 100 taken for the Sesame Street Tax.
He contacted Grover,
said, “Hey come on over.
My head I am scratching
with this plan I am hatching.
I won’t be a Stooge
The Cookie Tax is huge.
Please bring me a treat
for we will occupy of Sesame Street
So Grover came over
and brought some more friends
Bert and Ernie arrived in a Mercedes Benz
Big Bird stood outside
Of the Monster’s abode
For fear he’d collide
With the Monster’s commode.
And sitting by himself, alone on the couch
atop the plastic slipcovers, was Oscar the Grouch
Then suddenly arriving was Gladys the Cow
she arrived with a couple, denied their wedding vow .
For in walked Miss Piggy, all quite agog
for she was escorted by Kermit the Frog.
It appears that a law, which was carefully hidden
made marriage between a toad and a sow forever forbidden.
So each had their protest, each had their sign.
“Repeal the Cookie Tax.” “Let Frogs marry swine.”
But the ruler then spoke, but first finished his last cookie
“Three times I’ve been married, and often had nookie.
So that’s the way it should be,
that’s the way it’s been done
Blonde women all three,
I won’t get another, ‘til I tire of one.’
So the protest was over,
Jail time for muppets
for the leader would only accept
his own hand puppets.