The Land of Guilt and Money

The story of Exodus tells how Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt and through the wilderness to the Mountain of God Sinai. There God, through Moses, gives the Israelites their laws and enters into a covenant with them, by which he will give them the land of Canaan in return for their faithfulness. The book ends with the construction of the Tabernacle.

According to tradition, Exodus and the other four books of the Torah were written by Moses in the latter half of the 2nd millennium BC. What if Moses, fictionalized some of the facts. What if it wasn’t the Sinai Desert that the Children of Israel walked through, what if it was New England.

Archeological evidence was just found that raises questions of the traditional story of Exodus. The evidence began with the finding of an ancient Chinese Restaurant along the shores of The Housitonic River. It is now believed that the Children of Israel, should be called the Kids from the Hood. For the beginning point was not Egypt, but Maine and their final destination was not Israel, but Manhattan.

An unnamed Pharaoh, fearful of the Israelites' numbers, orders his people to throw all newborn Hebrew (Israelite) boys into the Gulf of Maine. Many of the young men come out of the water with an interesting looking Crustacean. They call if a Lobstein, (the name was later shortened on Ellis Island to Lobster). The Jewish mothers, as was their tradition, with all food, boil the creature.

A Portland woman saves her baby by setting him adrift in the bathtub, where he is protected by the Whitefish she planned to serve that weekend. Pharaoh's daughter finds the child, and the Whitefish. Keeps the child, and brings him up as her own. Throws out the Whitefish, (Too many bones).

But the child, Moses is aware of his Hebrew origins, and one day, when grown, guilts an overseer who is eating a roast beef on white with mayonnaise. Moses is forced to flee into Kennebunkport, where while he was herding the flocks of his father-in-law George H. W., Moses encounters God, and God tells him to return to Portland and lead the Israelites into(Manhattan) the land promised to Abraham.

On Moses' return to Portland, God instructs him to appear before Pharaoh and inform him of God's demand that he let God's people go. Moses and his brother Aaron do so, but Pharaoh refuses. God causes a series of 10 plagues; 1)Chutzpah; 2) Dreck 3) Putz; 4) Kvetch; 5) Schmuck; 6) Mamzer; 7) Meshuggenner; 8) Nudnick; 9) Shlub and 10) Tsuris. But Pharaoh does not relent. God instructs Moses to institute the Passover sacrifice among the Israelites, but they don’t know to boil the Lobsteins, and all the children have to miss school because of Lobstein bites and stomach aches. Pharaoh agrees to let the Israelites go. Moses explains the meaning of the Passover: it is for Israel's salvation from Maine, so that the Israelites will not be required to do their own Lobsteining, but to buy them at the local Restaurant.

The Exodus begins. The Israelites, 600,000 men plus women and children and a mixed multitude, with their flocks and herds, set out for the mountain of God, located near the former site of Grossinger’s Hotel in the Catskill Mountains..

Pharaoh pursues the Israelites, and God destroys Pharaoh's army at the crossing of the Housitonic. The Israelites continue their journey, but immediately begin to complain of the hardships. In the Wilderness of Sin they complain about the lack of food and speak with longing of Maine, and God sends them Lobstein. At Bridgeport he provides water miraculously from a rock. The Local gangs of Bridgeport attack the Israelites and steal their water.

The Israelites arrive at the mountain of God. God asks whether they will agree to be his people, and the people accept. The people gather at the foot of the mountain, and are entertained by Shecky Greene while Moses and God take a schvitz together.

Moses goes up the mountain into the presence of God, who pronounces the Covenant Code, (a detailed code of ritual and civil law), and promises Manhattan to the Israelites if they obey.
Moses descends and writes down God's words and the people agree to keep them but something is lost in the translation, and the commandments appear as follows:

1) Thou shalt not have your sandwiches on White Bread.
2) Thou shalt not go into business with thy father;
3) Thou shalt call thy mother daily;
4) Thou shalt know all the Sports Statistics, except Nascar;
5) Thou shalt always answer a question, with a question;
6) Thou shalt never watch Fox News;
7) Thou should let your mother suffer, after all that’s what she really wants;
8) Thou shalt clean your plate, it’s good for you;
9) Thou shalt put on your mittens, because your mother is cold;
10) Thou shalt always know where to find great Chinese food.

Moses ultimately reaches Manhattan, but can’t enter. He forgot to refill his easy pass. God brings him to the Triboro Bridge to show him the land of Guilt and Money.