Do I return to my curmudgeon days? I’ve been asked not to let the curmudgeon die. Frankly it has always been an essential part of my personality. I decided to sleep on it, while doing so I had what I thought was an interesting dream.
As I dozed off, I met by a man. It’s a face that I recognize, my god its Rod Serling.
Serling: You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
Jello: Alright, cut the nonsense, where am I?
Serling: You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone
Jello: Twilight? You’re early it's midnight.
Serling: Look, it’s a dream, play along. You will enter three rooms. There will be a guide in each room to take you to a sage. You decide who is the sage. Only one sage has the right answer. Choose your door.
Being very pragmatic, I choose door number 1. I’m met by a guide. A man I recognize in a Yankee Uniform. The ultimate Curmudgeon, Thurman Munson.
Jello: Thurman, what are you doing here?
Thurman: I don’t talk to writers.
Jello: But, you’re my guide.
Thurman: Alright, I’ll make an exception but, don’t tell anyone. I’m to take you to the Sage of Baseball past.
Jello: Thurman, is this heaven.
Thurman: It might be they don’t allow owners.
Jello: Who are those two guys on the floor.
Thurman: Oh, that’s Cap Anson and Ty Cobb. Their bigoted comments finally ticked off Jackie Robinson and Hank Greenberg enough.
Jello: Where are you taking me?
Thurman: To meet Mickey.
We pass by some tremendous lines. There was Babe Ruth giving away Hot Dogs, a headless Ted Williams teaching hitting. (Those damn kids and their cryogenitcs.) It seemed that it was visiting day so the second longest line was for Joe Dimaggio. Everyone thought that Marilyn would be there.
Then we came to the longest line, It had to be Mickey. Yup, he was signing autographs. After waiting an interminable length of time and getting an autograph, I asked Mickey should I remain a curmudgeon?
Mickey said in that famous Oklahoma drawl, I don’t know kid what’s a curmudgeon? Clearly that was not the right door!
On to door number 2. I’m met at that door by a very familiar face, wearing a red wig and a top hat.
Jello: Harpo! Where am I?
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Jello: Oh the hall of great comedy! Well you know who I’m here to see.
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Jello: Oh, he’s taping. Could you get me on the show?
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Jello: By the way aren’t those two guys in Baseball Uniforms in the wrong place?
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Jello: Oh! I didn’t recognize Abbott and Costello, wow they have to get a life! Oops, sorry I forgot where I am.
Harpo, is that who I think?
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Jello: W.C. Fields, I must speak to him, he’s close to the ultimate curmudgeon!
Jello: W.C. should I remain a curmudgeon?
W.C.: Get away from me kid you bother me.
We now enter a studio, a studio of a different time and place. We have entered the Groucho Zone. This is a lifelong dream, I’m even willing to put up with the cigar.
Groucho: Welcome to "You Bet Your Life," say the secret word and the duck will come down and give you each fifty dollars. It's something you see every day... Now, you are... Marc and Harpo Marx. Are you married?
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Groucho: Is that Marc Marx?
Marc: No Groucho. I came to ask you a question. Telephone, sink, bathtub.
Groucho: I'll ask the questions around here! Unless you want to give me fifty dollars. Anyway, you're a delightful couple and I'd love to go on talking to both of you, but it's time to play the game. Fenneman? Explain the rules.
FENNEMAN: The object is to answer four questions in a row correctly. Two incorrect answers in a row and you're out. Answer four in a row correctly and you get to come back and try for five or ten thousand dollars. The categories are "Geography," "Art and Artists," "Movies and Movie Stars," "War and Warriors," and "General Information.".
Jello: Groucho, I don’t have time. I’m going to wake up soon. Couch, Toilet, Stove. Should I remain a curmudgeon?
Groucho: My belief is if you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone go ahead and say it!
Jello: Groucho, this is heaven. Dishwasher, dresser, sink. You can’t still believe that!
Harpo: Honk, Honk
Groucho: Scram, you can leave in a Taxi, if you can’t get a Taxi, you can leave in a Huff. If’s that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a Huff!
Disappointed, I’m on to door number 3.
A bespeckled familiar face greets me. It’s Buddy Holly!
Jello: Buddy, it’s great to meet you.
Buddy: Oh, Boy!
Jello: Are you the guide?
Buddy: Everyday.
Jello: You know where I want to go.
Buddy: Maybe, Baby.
Jello: Come on. Take me to see John.
Buddy: Rave On.
We take a Taxi, driven by Harry Chapin, past the Dock of the Bay. We see Marvin Gaye trying to teach some raisins to sing. Elvis is trying to leave the building, but he’s so fat he can’t get through the door. Then I see them. George and John. They’re in a deep conversation.
George: John look where we are, I was right, you have to change the words!
John: I can’t change the words, It will spoil the meter. It doesn’t sound right..."Imagine, there's a heaven."
This goes on and on until I have to leave. On my way out I bump into Rick Nelson. What the hell, I’ll ask him.
Jello: Rick, should I remain a curmudgeon?
Rick: You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself!
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