Eggs But No Ham

Apologies to Dr. Seuss



Would you like

that piece of ham?

I can not eat Ham,

for Schwartz-I-am

I was circumcised at eight days old,

and ever since then, I’ve done what I’m told.

Would you try it

just this once?

No I think that I’ll stick to

my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.

I will not eat that piece of Ham,

Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.

But I’d like to, said

Schwartz-I-am.

I’m sorry you can’t eat

a slice of Ham.

How about a can of Spam?

Nobody wants Spam in a can.

Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.

I will not eat it

when I Pray.

I will not eat it

at the end of day

A Jew won’t eat Spam in a can

I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am

Would you try it in the Shul?

Would you eat it with a Fool?

Would you get this through you head.

I cannot eat food that’s ill-bred!

I will not eat them in a Shul.

Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!

The animal must chew its Cud.

So I guess your party is just a Dud.

To a boy named Murray such is banned.

I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.

Would you eat them

in the Temple?

Please come here and

try a sample!

I will not eat them in the Temple.

What’s your problem are you really that simple.

I will not eat it from a box.

I’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.

You see this Beanie upon my head.

It’s just not the way that I was Bred.

I will not eat Spam in a can.

I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!

Could you just this

once try a Shrimp?

A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!

Not even with that Shiske Sweet!

I would not, could not, eat his food.

I could not, would not, I’m not being rude.

I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.

My Mother may catch me, I won’t take the risk.

A Cheeseburger, I’ve never had.

Not even as a Little Lad.

I will not date that Shikse Pam.

Although, I’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.

But,

Nobody will know,

There’s no one to show

Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.

I would not, could not,

even with Moe

Would you, could you,

on the Sabbath?

I would not, could not, on the Sabbath

Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.

Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.

I cannot eat this what you serve,

So you’ll have more left in reserve.

Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?

You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!

Now listen while I tell you just one last time,

for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.

I will not eat a slice of Ham.

I will not eat Spam in a can.

But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam

I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.