An American Family

At the front of the line
On this beautiful day,
Stood Elmer’s old spouse
With her needles Crochet

On her list were the gifts,
And she always came through
She bought TV and clothing
and a pet Kangaroo

She dressed to the nines
In Bikini and Shawl
The family sat home
all watching Football.

So when the Mall soon would open
She would
Shop!
Shop!
Shop!
Shop!


And she would keep doing it,
until she would drop.

And most of the gifts
would end up in a clump
and then poor Elmer would carry
the clump to the dump!

Doors open at four!
She wouldn’t forestall!
Doors open at four!
That’s when it would befall!
The Brawl at the Mall!
It was bound to happen
This shopper’s combat.

“We’re deeply in debt.”
Elmer said to his honey.
“Can’t you stay home
And save us some money?”


But she left with the promise
to return Christmas Day
So off she did go that day to the Mall.
“It’s only one month away.
There’s no time to stall.”

So she took the charge cards,
knowing that it was taboo
she could always charge more
It’s the world view.

So Elmer went back
to watching Football that day,
And his spouse left the house,
with no way to pay.

He knew he should stop her
take the credit cards away,
but he feared of her using
those needles Crochet.

Elmer turned his blind ear
and said “Where’s the Kraut.”
But she did disappear,
he would have to dine out.!

Elmer then noticed, “We’re all out of beer.
Out of Beer!” can have none of that.
“No beer, I fear.”
He said to the one he called brat.

“Now we have to go out
and have us some dinner.
Let’s go eat now,
let’s not wait for the winner.”

So Elmer and son dined on to classic Cuisine
A place called White Castle
Where no one was Lean.

Elmer placed his selection
“Ten burgers, three shakes and one coke.
That should help my complexion.”
Now his son finally spoke

“I’ll have the same. And a Cinnamon Bun!”
And a smile came over the face of the son.

Elmer was proud as a father could be!
“ You eat so well. Just like Grandpa and me.”

“What happened to Gramps?
Did he live to be old.
Please tell me dear Pop,
I’ve never been told.”

“One day after he had dined on his regular meal
Two street hot dogs one Chocolate shake.
And some Parmigiana Veal,
A thick juicy steak.
He would have for a start
All of this he would order,
being wheeled in his cart.”

“It was time for dessert
We ordered Ice Cream
Two gallons apiece.
A Culinary Dream.”

“When suddenly Grandpa made an ominous noise .
You know like the one that comes from your toys.”

“Grandpa exploded all over the place.
Grandpa exploded, all over my face.”

“So we finished our Ice Cream
After he did explode
And it wasn’t too bad
Grandpa Ala Mode.

The Protester's Things

People wonder what the protesters are protesting. Perhaps their new theme song will enlighten.

Draped over tights on half covered asses
Drivers too vain to wear their thick glasses
Brown piles of crap that you step in in spring
These are a few of the protester’s things!

Can’t afford Sony’s, want votes for their poodles
No dwelling so smelling and lice by the oodles
Pitches in the dirt, that all Mets will take swings
These are a few of the protester’s things!

The man in the corner who drools and who flashes
Business in the Park has caused us Ass rashes
The American Flag was made in Beijing
These are a few of the protester’s things!

When attacked by mites, when we’re eating strings
When I can’t get bail.
I simply remember
the protestors things
and then I just stay warm in Jail.

Hypocrisy

In the movie "Tombstone," Doc Holiday says, "my hypocrisy only goes so far." Well it seems that for most people, we don't know how far it goes.

We are all hypocrites. Life and politics dictate this. Jefferson wanted to abolish slavery, but once his efforts failed, did he release his slaves? No, he didn't even release them in his will. In World War II we fought the Germans, but gladly accepted their scientists, when it was beneficial to our space program.

The record keeping of the Nazis would have been impossible without the help of IBM. The Luftwaffe's efficiency was due in part to BMW. Yet immediately after WWII, when universal translators were needed for the Nuremberg trials, who did the allies turn to? IBM. How many of us drive BMW's or for that matter, Fords?

As a Democrat, I've looked with disdain at Republican sexual transgressions, but minimized those of Clinton and the Kennedys. Which brings to mind Ted Kennedy. How many of us would have or did vote for Ted Kennedy? In my only opportunity, the 1980 NY Primary, I did. But, let's face it, had he been someone else, he might have been in prison.

Me, and other Democrats, often speak about the Bush Pedigree, which had Nazi sympathizers. Well folks, so was Joe Kennedy.

Joe Paterno, was an iconic figure in sports. For Penn State to fire him, and not let him quit with dignity, must mean that his hypocrisy, crossed the line. I'm certain that we haven't heard the last of his involvement.

Senator Crackerbarrel

Old Senator Crackerbarrel spoke to the nation.
“It’s time that we had massive deregulation.
I beg your indulgence so I can be heard
Too many laws are clearly absurd.
So today with my friend Senator Pill,
I present this new deregulation omnibus bill.

We must first repeal the law of attraction.
In my life, this has been a tremendous distraction.
If we eliminate this by simple subtraction,
we can eliminate unnecessary interreaction.

Number two to be gone is the law of gravity.
Liberals think this would cause an Earth Cavity
So we no longer may teach Isaac Newton’s theory,
of which I have grown very tired and weary,

Since, to our children Sir Isaac will no longer be taught
The law of Inertia is now all but for naught.
Without inertia and gravity a body in motion, can do whatever it please.
It can freeze,
It can sneeze,
It can stand in a breeze,
It can even jump up and up on a circus trapeze.

Lets not leave out our dear friends from Peta,
we’ll do as we please, with the Lion and Cheetah
So the Law of the Jungle goes out with the rest
So finally we can place, the MGM Lion under arrest.

For my next proposal I ask flexibility
It’s time to eliminate, The law of probability
Hear me out without any hostility.
For all consequences, I will probably take full responsibility.

Now we dispense with the Law of relativity
Albert expanded Sir Isaac’s creativity
Let us eliminate this Einstein activity
as we now approach the conclusion of this festivity.

Pass my proposal, start this deregulation
think of the wonders that would befall the great nation.
We’d float all about, without an Earthly attraction
At our own speed, no legal distraction
Animals would no long cause allergic reaction.
The world would soon be without dissatisfaction,
And our success would cause a worldwide chain reaction.”

So Senator Crackerbarrel finished his proposal.
Two men in white coats, were at his disposal.
“We love you bill about regulation,
but it’s time to give you a mild sedation.”

So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken away
So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken that day.
But what did become of the Senator’s bill?
It’s now law you see, it passed Capital Hill.

So the nation now lives with it’s feet in the air,
men no longer give pretty girls that gawking stare
Lions no longer rule that Jungle so distant
and items move by without any resistant.
I’d say this an improbable occurrence indeed.
But, I’d be arrested, All Senators agreed.

Spam in a can

I am Poor

I am Poor
Poor I am

That Poor-I-am
That Poor-I-am!
I do not like
that Poor-I-am

Do you like Spam in a can?

I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.

Would you like to get on Medicare?

It’s socialism I don’t dare.
I will rely upon the Lord’s Prayer.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.
I can’t afford it. Poor-I-am

Did the bank just take your house?
How will you then feed your old spouse?

Yes the bank did take my house.
And I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I do not like spam in a can
I can’t afford it Poor-I-am.


Why don’t you invest in stocks?
You can store them in a box.
I have got no cash for stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

Would you? Could you? Buy a car?
Chauffeured! Chauffeured! Be a Star.

I would not ,could not, buy a car

You can work for me for free.
While I go on a shopping spree.
Work for free, what do you think of me.
I would not, could not work for free.
Nor buy a car! You let me be.

No money for stocks.
No need for a box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

Champaign! Champaign!
Champaign! Champaign!
Could you, would you drink Champaign?

No Champaign! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! I am Poor! Let me be!
I would not, could not, buy some stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I no longer have a house
I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.


Say!
Sleep in the park?
You can Sleep in the park!
Would you, could you, Sleep in the park?

I have had to, Sleep in the park.

Where do you go in the rain?

I go nowhere this is my domain.
I Sleep in the park. Don’t drink Champaign,
Don’t have a car, Won’t work for free.
I can’t afford it, Poor, you see.
Don’t have a house. Can’t buy some stocks.
I lost my spouse. Don’t need a box.
I do not take Medicare. It’s Socialism I don’t dare.

You do not like spam in a can?

I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

Maybe you could buy a boat.

I would not, could not buy a boat!

It might help you keep afloat

I could not, would not, buy a boat.
How would that keep me afloat?
I sleep outside in the rain.
I cannot afford your Champaign.
I Sleep in the park! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! You let me be!
I can’t afford them buy some stocks.
I have nothing to put in my box.
The bank down there just took my house.
Then off and running was my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.

I can not afford spam in a can!
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

You can’t afford it
SO you say.
Try it! Try it! Anyway.
Try it and you may say.

Poor!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
this is shit spam in a can!
I missed nothing for, Poor-I-am!
And I won’t eat it in a boat!
And I won’t feed it to a goat...
And I would pour it down the drain.
If I had my own domain.
Not in a car. Nor in a tree.
It tastes like crap or can’t you see!

So I will eat it buy some docks.
And I will feed it to a fox.
If only I still had a house.
I could feed it to my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.

I do so like spam in a can!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Poor-I-am

The Mighty Curmudgeon

Sit back Children and listen to this tale
About an unusual super hero
And his unusual travail

The Government denies his existence
But I found the proof
with the greatest resistence.
This is no spoof

Somewhere buried underground, deep in a Dungeon
there is true validation of the Mighty Curmudgeon .

Now Superman can fly, and Spiderman can climb.
But the Curmudgeon just feels that that’s a waste of his time.

“Why should I fly,
when on TWA
The Fountainebleau is just
two hours away.”

“ You want, I should climb a wall
what if I fall.
My Jaw I would break,
Oy I’d have such an ache.”

“It’s true, I have powers, beyond mortal men,
but if you want an old man to fly, please call up John Glenn.”

From the moment he woke,
when he took his first stretch
The Curmudgeon would
Kvetch and Kvetch and Kvetch

He could out-Kvetch them all,
“Get out of the Tub,
the Tub is too small
and the whitefish won’t fit
in our shower stall.”

“Stay off of my lawn.”
He would yell at the boys.
“Stop reading that book,
it makes too much noise.”

So why does a nation
all troubled with debt
find this curmudgeon
to be such a threat?

He wrote letters to Nixon about liberation.
Complained to Ford about runaway inflation.
Carter he nagged of the Nation’s frustration.
Reagan he hated his administration.
He complained of George I’s procreation
For it created George II’s complete obfuscation.
To Clinton he suggested he get a castration
So President Obama, without adjudication
made the following secret proclamation.

“We must capture this creature
hide him deep underground.
A place that will feature,
not even a sound

We must avoid protestation
when we capture this Kvetch.
For the sake of the nation,
I’ve drawn you a sketch.”

So they captured this Octogenarian
Charged him with being a bitter contrarian

Now somewhere in the bowels of the Capital City
Is a man, who has garnered, so little pity
There underground, alone in a dungeon.
Still Kvetching away, is the mighty Curmudgeon!

Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

That's the Libertarian Chicken. The Republican Chicken will only allow you to cross the road if the Democrat Chicken wants to prohibit crossing said road. The Democrat chicken can't decide what road to cross, so he eventually compromises, goes along with the Republican Chicken, forcing the Republican Chicken to state that it is too costly to cross this road.