Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney: 2012

Moderately successful New York, Jewish, Liberal, Lawyer disavows all that he finds holy and becomes an icon the tea partiers as a vehicle to success. (Selling my soul to the devil).

Ever since the day that I realized that my two dreams, 1) Playing for the Yankees; 2) Becoming Atticus Finch would never happen, I wanted to become a satirist, A male Dorothy Parker, A modern day James Thurber. So I started to write. First for myself and then for a limited audience.

I wrote a lot of stories, all of which I warehoused. Always thinking that someday they could be taken out of mothballs, updated and published.

As the dream dwindled, the enjoyment did not. My friends and family were kind enough to keep encouraging me, so anytime I thought that something was absurd, I added to the absurdity.

Then one day, about a month ago, one of my pieces was discovered by an “on-line” satire magazine. Since then I’ve been writing every day. Sometimes, when appropriate I go into my warehouse. The editors at “The Global Edition.” help me clean it up and guide me to making it like a news piece. I have no journalism experience.

On October 6, 2012, I went into my warehouse. I retrieved a piece that I had written in October, 2010 about the upcoming Republican takeover of the House of Representatives. It was a piece about Liberals escaping to Canada to avoid the oncoming right wing onslaught. I updated it and it was published.

I liked this piece, but didn’t think that it was any better than some other pieces that I had written. I also didn’t think that anybody could interpret this as anything but satire.

As of this morning, it’s got 37,000 hits on the internet. 15,000 since Saturday. So who is reading this? The far right wing. Not the far right with a highly developed sense of humor, like William F. Buckley had, but the Limbaugh worshipers. The comments are filled with hate for Liberals.

I’m sometimes tempted to answer these comments and say, “Hey, did you know that the a\author of this piece is a New York, Jewish, Left Wing, Attorney?” Common sense takes over and I don’t respond.

So at 56, do I continue to write satire, that I think will appeal to progressives, or do I sell my soul to the Devil, disavow all that I find holy and capture an uncharted market, Conservative satire?

Universal Studios has announced that Mel Brooks has been hired to write and direct the Biopic of God.

Brooks said in a press release “The Movie will be an epic, because I will play God. After all who else is old enough? It’s going to be done through the eyes of God’s interviewer, who will be played by Carl (Reiner). We will find out if the Earth was really created in six days, or did God take that rumored vacation to The Fontainebleau in Miami Beach after the fifth day. We will see God advising Noah about building an Ark, ‘No, No use the good glue. That crazy stuff.’ We will see God dancing at Jesus’s Bar Mitzvah. “

The original thoughts of Producer Verner Brothers was to have Mel Gibson write and direct the film. The famous “hands off” approach of the Hollywood Mogul, at first appeared to have backfired. The highly successful, yet controversial Brothers left the task to his Associate Producer, who mistakenly hired Brooks.

When reached for comment, Gibson said, “We had an oral contract. This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the situation, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.

When reached for comment, Brooks said, “I’m not too worried. I’m the only one old enough to have known God as a boy. I spoke to him, and this is what he wants.”

Universal, last week announced the rest of the prospective cast. Sid Caesar as Methuselah, Gene Wilder as Noah, Nathan Lane as Onan, Mathew Broderick as Jesus and featuring Cloris Leachman as God’s sister, “Auntie Christ.”

Sunday, November 4, 2012

New Yorker losses driver’s license, becomes pedestrian. Learns to say "asshole” in seventeen languages.

New York City is a melting pot. Nobody knows this better than lifetime New York Resident, Bruce Gettler. Gettler 56, recently lost his driver’s license and has been forced to become a Pedestrian.

“When you lose something as precious as your driver’s license, you learn to appreciate other things.” Said Gettler. For Gettler one of those other things was an ear for language. “As a Pedestrian it is often necessary to communicate with the Drivers. To politely tell them ‘hey, I’ve got the right of way.’” Gettler added. “How do you say, ‘Your Mother,’ in Spanish? Or ‘Hey, Asshole.” In Italian, or the all-important ‘Shithead’ in Russian.”

Gettler saw a need that wasn’t being fulfilled. He first approached the people at Berlitz, but they weren’t interested in marketing his computer program, “Pedestrian curses in seventeen languages.” So Gettler decided to market it himself. First he had to learn the languages.

Italian was easy. Having been a lifetime fan of Chico Marx, Gettler realized that all he had to do was to add a strategic “A” in the middle of a statement and use his hands. So, “Hey Asshole,” became “Hey Ass A Hole.” For Russian he realized that all he had to do was to add “ski” to the end of a word. “Shithead” became “Shitheadski.”

Joan Silverman, a resident of Forest Hills in the Borough of Queens, recently purchased the product says that “This has been invaluable, especially in Queens. Queens is the most ethnically diverse county in the Country. We need to learn to communicate with our neighbors. I can think of no better way.”

Friday, November 2, 2012

Research Shows Someone’s Going to Win US Presidential Elections - The Global Edition

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Native American Trackers Can’t Find Way To Polls - The Global Edition

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

With Nothing To Watch, Latest Victim Of Sports Deprivation Rushed To Hospital - The Global Edition

Monday, October 29, 2012

Al Roker: ‘Obviously You See We’re Fucked’ - The Global Edition

To Keep Federal Funding, Planned Parenthood Opens Cooking, Cleaning And Laundry Clinics For Women - The Global Edition

New York Resident Stuck At Home Bored - The Global Edition

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Run out and find me a four year old child

Senator Al Franken (Democrat, Minnesota) compares Republicans to four year old children. This created an unexpected chain reaction amongst Republicans, which culminated in Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (Republican, Kentucky) threatening to “hold my breath until I turn blue.”

It all began On October 22, when MSNBC Host, Rachel Maddow, quoted Franken from his 2003 book “Lies (and the Lying Liars who tell them). Franken stated in an obscure passage “They don't get it. We love America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love America the way a four-year old loves her mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a four-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad, and helping your loved one grow. Love takes attention and work and is the best thing in the world.”

The Quote was picked up picked up the next day, Tuesday, October 23, 2012, by Sean Hannity, who threw himself on the floor kicking and screaming.

By Wednesday, October 24, 2012 the quote had reached the campaign trail, when upon hearing the quote Vice Presidential Nominee, Paul Ryan, upon hearing the quote started to shriek, uncontrollably then ultimately took his campaign and went home.

Then finally on Thursday, October 25, 2012, when Senator McConnell heard the quote he said that he had had enough and unless it stopped he would hold his breath until he turned blue. Then he puffed up his cheeks and held his breath.

This reporter attempted to reach Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney for a comment, but he was in the middle of a “time-out.”

Meatloaf endorses Romney

Not wanting to be omitted from the recent string of Rock and Roll endorsements, Meatloaf yesterday endorsed Mitt Romney. The Romney camp was very excited about this surprising endorsement. “We’ve been trailing in the recent polls among overweight, sweaty, has been stars. This makes up for the recent Brian Wilson endorsement of Eugene McCarthy.” An anonymous Romney spokesman said.

Wilson said that he was “unaware that McCarthy died in 2005,” but that that would not affect his endorsement. “Many great things have been done by the deceased.” Stated Wilson

Meatloaf, whose real name in Michael Lee Aday is the latest Rock and Roller to endorse a political candidate. Bruce Springsteen has been touring the country for President Obama. Ted Nugent recently endorsed Benito Mussolini.

Mitt Romney has in recent days met with Leif Garrett, and David and Shaun Cassidy trying to secure that all important group of women who belong to “The seventies teeny bopper fan club.”

This entire election may just hinge on the long awaited endorsement of David Soul.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Senatorial Candidates Mourdock and Akin announce support of radical "Personhood" Amendment, "Life begins at Ejaculation."

The idea behind this post, it turns out, is not original. Credit must go to an Oklahoma State Senator, who wanted to show her colleagues how absurd they were. However, the story is mostly mine.

Senatorial Candidates Mourdock and Akin announce support of radical "Personhood" Amendment, "Life begins at Ejaculation."

Missouri Senatorial Candidate Todd Akin and Indiana Senatorial Candidate Richard Mourdock, independently yesterday called for a Constitutional Amendment stating that life begins at Ejaculation. This amendment would outlaw in vitro fertilization, stem cell research, contraception, masturbation and nighttime emissions. The “Personhood” amendment would define each sperm cell an individual life.

When asked about the practicality of banning nighttime emissions or “wet dreams” Representative Akin said “If his thoughts are pure, the male body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Representative Mourdock, said that he thought long about the issue of Masturbation, and finally concluded that, “Because God killed Onan for ‘spilling his seed,’ we must follow God's example.”

Protests rang out from many sources. Playboy magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, stated that “it is clearly a violation of the right to privacy.” Philip Roth, author of “Portnoy’s Complaint” stated that “this will have a deleterious effect on the sale of liver.”

Former Presidential Candidate, Rick Santorum, supporting the amendment, stated “Is it wiggling a tail. If it is, ergo, it is life.”

Asked if she felt it would be difficult for young men to control themselves. Conservative Pundit, Ann Colture, said last night on the Sean Hannity show, “ I've been out with a lot of men, somehow they've had no difficulty controlling themselves around me. It can’t be that difficult.”

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Romney Endorses Obama For President After Realizing He Has Exact Same Foreign Policy - The Global Edition

Shocking Autobiography Reveals Rock Star Led Ordinary Life - The Global Edition

Monday, October 15, 2012

Study Reveals Starbucks Customers Willing To Drink Crap Coffee As Long As They Are Overcharged

http://www.theglobaledition.com/study-reveals-starbucks-customers-willing-to-drink-crap-coffee-as-long-as-they-are-overcharged/

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Two Mels

The famous “hands off” approach of Hollywood Mogul, Werner Brothers, may have finally backfired. The highly successful, yet controversial Brothers, who most recently brought to the screen the epic adaption of the sixties Television classic, Mr. Ed, starring Tom Cruise as Ed, had announce that his next epic would be a biopic of God. It seems that Brothers knew that he wanted to hire Mel Gibson to be the writer and director, but left the task to his Associate Producer, who mistakenly hired Mel Brooks.

When reached for comment, Gibson said, “This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the contract, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.

Brooks, last week announced the beginning of his prospective cast. Brooks himself will play God, with Cloris Leachman as his sister, “Auntie Christ.”

Tri-State Militias Battle For Rights To 64 Ounce Sodas

http://www.theglobaledition.com/tri-state-militias-battle-for-rights-to-64-ounce-sodas/

Bullwinkle Arrested

Frostbite Falls, Minnesota . In an unusual interpretation of the Law, beloved actor Bullwinkle J. Moose was charged today with Statutory rape. The former two term mayor of neighboring Mooselvania has been rumored to be depressed since the tragic death of his long term companion, Rocket T. Squirrel. Squirrel was mysteriously run over by a steamroller last month.

Moose, after having received an honorary Moosters Degree from Whasamatta U, joined the Bull Moose Party soon afterward. As a member of the party he was best known for his union busting activities. In 1967 after years of trying, he finally broke Local 12, the Villains, Thieves and Scoundrels Union.

When reached for comment, Moose’s long time nemeses, Boris Badanov, said “I finally have Moose where I want him. This is more than a mere Moosedemeanor.”

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Georgia Congressman Paul Broun Proposes Legislation That Would Repeal Theory Of Gravity

http://www.theglobaledition.com/georgia-congressman-paul-broun-proposes-legislation-that-would-repeal-theory-of-gravity/

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Canada Beefing Up Border Patrol In Event Romney Wins Presidential Election

http://www.theglobaledition.com/canada-beefing-up-border-patrol-in-event-romney-wins-presidential-election/

Friday, October 5, 2012

Fair Or Foul? Fox News Proposes “Fair And Balanced” Major League Baseball Rules

http://www.theglobaledition.com/fair-or-foul-fox-news-proposes-fair-and-balanced-major-league-baseball-rules/

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Leaderneversawus Rex

How did I find myself before the newest incarnation of the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC) ?

I was first elected to the House of Representatives in a rare Democratic win in the Republican landslide of 2012. If you remember that election, the only states that remained with a Democratic delegation were New York and Massachusetts. There was no place lonelier in than being a member, of what was soon to become, the third party in the United States. We fight a good fight, but since we’re never recognized on the floor, by Speaker Bachmann, our fight has always been through the media. Now there are less of those opportunities.

Michelle Bachmann left the Republican Party in 2013, to become the first Congressional member of the Tea Party. It wasn’t long that others followed. By 2016 the Congress was Republicans 250, Tea 165, Democrats 20. I was one of the twenty. The Senate was moving in the same direction. In 2020 The Tea Party was in the majority. I was apparent that I was a Dinosaur. In fact other members of Congress started to refer to the Democrats and the Leaderneversawus.

Then came the subversives list, when this was first proposed my few colleagues and I did what he could to expose it, by a few of us were sanctioned by the house majority. There is no slander in Congress. Article I, Section 6, Clause 1, of the U.S. Constitution states in part,

“for any Speech or Debate in either House, [senators and representatives] shall not be questioned in any other place.”

The purpose of the clause is to prevent the arrest and prosecution of unpopular legislators based on their political views. But in this case the leaders of the house, who had already silenced the opposition were using it to start a witch hunt for those that they didn’t like.

The strange, or maybe, not so strange, thing was the names that appeared upon this list. Some of the most predominant writers, musicians and artists of our time. Ironically, they were all Gay, and the rest were Jewish or Islamic. Author, Philip Roth, although well into his eighties appeared, ostensibly because of a bok that he wrote in 2004, “The Plot Against America.” Roth in an interview before being sent to prison for Contempt of Congress, stated how odd that he is being punished for warning us of what we could be in store for.

Tomorrow, I testify. Do I take the fifth? HUAC has named as Un-American such groups as the NAACP, The UFT and the ACLU. Strangely as I look over the list I see the NHL. I wonder what their thinking was on that one. The NHL, and eventually MLB and the NBA will probably go out of business as an effect of the closed gate policy.

The United States has become a fortress. The most recent rulings of the Robert’s Court, upheld two Arizona laws. The first mandates that all citizens over the age of twelve, must carry a firearm. The second allowing a locked fifteen foot, electrified gated fence to extend the entire state border with Mexico. Governor Jan Brewer, not realizing that New Mexico was part of the United States, built the fence across that border too.

Texas and Louisiana soon adopted closed gate laws of their own. The harshest one is currently pending before the California voters. In California, the voters will be voting on a proposition that combines a Stand Your Ground Law with the closed gate policy. Groups such as “American’s for a new Revolution” have been intimidating voters throughout the state. This combined with California’s voter ID law, which insists that those born outside of the state have three forms of California ID in order to get a voter ID, almost guarantees that the proposition will pass.

Before his arrest, former President Obama, had moved to Southern California, and was disheartened to hear that they suspected that his birth certificate was fraudulent and he wasn’t allowed to vote.

So why am I here. I’m not controversial. Although I’d like to be. In my eight years in Congress, I’ve been recognized to speak once. That time the speaker thought that I was raising my hand to use the men’s room.

Before the Government closed it down, I used to occasionally get on the op-ed page of the New York Times. I think that the last time was objecting to President Katherine Harris selling the naming rights to Washington buildings. Every day I leave my home, walk past the Exxon Mobil White House, past the Ford Motor’s Lincoln Memorial to the Halliburton Capital Building.

By the time that this letter appears in Canadian Newspapers (No American paper would dare carry it), I’ll be in prison. The last four Congressmen who failed to name names were carted off directly from the committee, they’re hands cuffed and legs shackled. It’s kind of silly, we’re all fat old men, who couldn’t get away if we tried.

This is probably the last time that you’ll hear from me. I won’t appear in any history book, I’m just an ineffective Representative. President’s Theodore Roosevelt, Wilson, Franklin Roosevelt, Truman, Kennedy, Carter, Clinton and Obama have been erased from the history books. What chance do I have? Lyndon Johnson, is only noted for his saving of America, by stopping the thread of Communism, when he embraced the domino theory. Few people even remember that Theodore Roosevelt was on the original Mt. Rushmore. The youth of today think that it was always Nixon.

I digress, someday I hope that an archaeologist will uncover the National Achieves, buried under the Enron Dick Chaney building, and discover the Constitution, and realize that a one time we had some pretty good ideas.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Sarah Palin Comedy Hour

Nobody knew what to expect. It had been first announced on the Hannity show. This Saturday Night, Roger Ayles, the man who brought you "Are You Smarter that a Liberal,” and "Survivor, New York,” brings to television his latest in a serious of innovated, fair and balanced ideas. Be sure to have your sets tuned to Fox, Saturday at 8:00 P.M. Eastern Standard Time.

The time had finally come, the suspense was unbearable. A female voice is heard. “Ladies and Gentleman, Roger Ayles, is proud to bring you ‘The Sarah Palin Comedy Hour.’ Starring Sarah Palin, with The Ted Nugent Orchestra. I’m Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Tonight Sarah’s guests are of Sean Hannity and Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney anf musically guest Anton Scalia and the Supremes. And, now without further ado, here’s Sarah.”

Nugent’s Orchestra breaks into a surprising tune, “I feel pretty.” As the hostess reaches the microphone, and joined by the Palin children, she begins to sing:

Sarah I see Russia, Big, Bad Russia, I see Russia and Russia sees me! And I would’ve crushed her If you had only elected me to be VP.

I’m for drilling, Lots of drilling It's thrilling how drilling can be! So the drilling Would have escalated if I were VP.

I’m the beauty Queen from the Bering Strait: I got my make up and clothing for free. Free for a pretty face, Free for a pretty dress, Free for a pretty smile, Free for a pretty me!

I was running And campaigning, I was debating and relating with joy, While I slanderedThe Senator from Illinois!

Children This is my Mother the former Running Mate, The most powerful Mom on the ice She approves of her children who procreate, As long as we don’t use a Birth Control Device.

She should be VP. be one heartbeat away. If she were VP, Noone would ever disobey.

Where we live you need heat Cause it’s zero degrees, We get Polar Bear meat, From our local Hardees.

Mom makes more money nowShe’s on Hannity! Here are the books that she’ll disavow They violate Christianity!

She once was obscure, But now she’s maligned, She’s going on tour Leaving Dad in a bind!

Sarah I see Russia, Big, bad RussiaThey despise us because we are free. Salt Lake City Is full of real Americans, like me.

Children Ma ma ma ma . . .

Sarah It stopped snowing, It is sunny, It’s so sunny and it’s only July, It’s so sunny, That my parka is nearly dry!

Children Ma ma ma ma . . .

Sarah I can see the KGB from the Bering Strait:

Children What KGB where?

Sarah You know that he’d rather be free.

Children Which? What? Where? Whom?

Sarah Free for a pretty face, Free for a pretty dress, Free for a pretty smile, Free for a pretty me!

Children

Free for a pretty me!

ALL I was running To be the first female VP, And it was stunning when I get to see, the expression On the face of Hillary C!

“Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. How many Presidents does it take to get a birth certificate? We may never know, because he hasn’t gotten one yet.” The special audience which consists of noted luminaries “Joe the plumber,” Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachmann, let out a hardy groan followed by a loud laugh. Sarah’s daughter, Bristol, acting as producer had mixed up the audience’s cue cards.

“Without further ado, let me introduce a great American and a heck of a funny guy, Sean Hannity.”

Sean walks to center stage and immediately starts his comedy routine, “I just heard the President’s plan to reduce unemployment, Death Panels.” The audience roars with laughter.

Hannity continues his famous routine, “How many Liberals does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that would mean that they’d have to work.” The audience loves himRoger Ayles is thrilled. This could be the biggest hit since “The Howard Cosell Show.” Executive Producer, Rush Limbaugh, is beside himself, therefore occupying four seats/

The second guest is Mitt Romney. Unbeknownst to eeverybody but Nugent and the orchestra, Romney, with the Orchestra’s accompaniment, breaks into song.

All I am is a Billionaire.
Who will repeal Obama care
With all my perfect hair
Aow, wouldn't Mitt be loverly?

Lots of friends working on Wall Street,
Only seen with the true elite.
Another Liberal defeat
Aow, wouldn't Mitt be loverly?

Aow, so loverly eliminating social programs like goodwill
We can filibuster 'till the right wing
Takes over on the Hill.
Barak soon will be history,
He will have to concede to me,
I am the Nominee.
Aow, wouldn't Mitt be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly

Sarah, realizing that she is running overtime, immediately calls for Scalia and the Supremes to end the show. They surprise the audience with a Gilbert and Sullivan tune.

I am the very model of a modern Libertarian.
I know we shouldn't pay for Education or Librarians.
I know the Representatives and find them all hysterical.
From Barney Frank to Boehmer, I think them all quite Comical.

I very well acquainted too with matters economical
I can quote you from supply side to Reagan's fantaphysical.
With leaders of the tea party I vote for Reds and not the Blues.
My opinion is it is a crime to collect the Union’s dues.
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
I’m really quite familiar with matters that are agrarian.
Keep your fat ass off my lawn I’ll repeat til I’m an Octogenarian.

In fact in matters economic, political and social
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian
In fact in matters economic, political and social
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Battles of Greenwich and Bayonne

The suggestion was made , to me, yesterday that in order to settle the issue of gun control, that citizens of those states that want such legislation stay out of states that disapprove and vice versa. This could result in conflict between the States

It wasn't over guns, but Soda, when The Battles of Greewich and Bayonne occured.

New York Times July 23, 2012
With the announcement last week that Governor Cuomo was set to extent Mayor Blumberg’s ban on the sale of large sodas, an unlikely conflict has broken out between the States of New York, Connecticut and New Jersey when Connecticut Resident Pierce Wainright III objected to the law, “Not that I care about ‘Big Gulps’ but what next are they going to take away our Lattes?” Wainright asked.
Fights broke out in the boarder community of Rye, New York and Cos Cob, Connecticut. Both the New York State and Connecticut national guards were called in to quell the disruption. Thus begun the battle of Greenwich.

The Connecticut National Guard were dressed in the traditional Izod Shirt, with the Yellow and Green Sweater draped around the neck and penny loafers without socks of course. The New York National Guard were in their Air Jordan sneakers, pants raised to the middle of their rear end with the boxer shorts sticking out and Che Guevara T-shirts.

Talks were progressing smoothly until Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut announced that he was throwing his support behind the New York contingent. This satisfied the group from Connecticut, but caused the group from New York to react violently. Many hot dogs and mocha lattes were sacrificed in battle.

The initial volley in this battle of words was started when a New York hurled the traditional battle cries of “Up Yours,” and “Your Mother!” The attack caught Connecticut totally unprepared, who are now awaiting reinforcements from the Yale and Wesleyan debate teams.
When tempers seemed to be cooling another battle began Southwest of Greenwich, when Bayonne resident, who wanted to remain anonymous, because he couldn’t spell his name, dressed in his traditional Speedo Bathing suit and Mesh T-shirt began lobbing Salty Pretzels and Fried dough into Staten Island. In a written statement he said, “Who, da (sic) (expletive deleted) dos (sic) dat (sic) (expletive deleted) mayor tink (sic) dat (sic) he is. Dis (sic) is (expletive deleted) Amerika (sic), and we’s free to eat any (expletive deleted) we’s want to.

Following that statement, Wainright offered the following statement in limited support of New Jersey's position, " Although I agree in principle with the 'gentleman' from New Jersey, I am appaled that he ended his sentence in a preposition."

Not since the civil war has there been such ugliness between the states.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

MASSAPEQUA DREAMIN'

All the costs are down
at the mall today
She dragged me to go shop
on this holiday

I'd be safe and warm
if this were a workday
Massapequa Dreamin'
on such a discount day

stopped in a shoe store
Near the Internet café
while, I went to save the world
on my blog today.

you know I left her uncontrolled
with my credit card today
Massapequa Dreamin'
on such a discount day

Now I’m overdrawn
how am I to pay
But she has six pairs of new shoes,
to show the girls this day

wish I didn’t leave her
in the store today
Massapequa Dreamin'
on such a discount day

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

All My Laundry

Kids will or have come home from school. With them they will be bringing a gift for their mothers.. To the tune of "All My Loving."

You are home, son I missed you
You brought your wash with you;
Remember don’t put the white with the blue.
And while you were away,
you wore the same socks ev'ry day,
And now you’ve brought all your laundry home too.

I'll pretend that I'm rinsing
The socks that you’re missing
These Pants smell like a baby Gnu.
And while you were away,
did you wash even one day
Or expect me to laundry for you?

All your laundry I will do for you.
All your laundry, darling was that blue?

Old Country Road

if John Denver had lived on Long Island:

Almost shopping, Mineola
Jericho Turnpike
Wantagh Parkway -
You can eat there
Start with some Chinese
Moo Goo Gai Pan
It’ll make you sneeze

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road

There are clothes for, my youngest daughter
Polyester, wash them in cold water
Jeans and dresses, painted on her thigh
At the food court we’ll dine
indigestion from french fries

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road

I hear his voice
In the end month he tells me
Honey, you have overdrawn, and we’ve got no money left to pay
And drivin' to the mall I start a callin'
for additional credit cards today, yes today

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road

Old Country Road, take me home
To the mall where I belong
Mineola, shoperama
Take me home, Old Country Road
Take me home, now Old Country Road
Take me home, now Old Country Road

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Shady Bunch

Here's the story of a right wing party
That was telling some very nasty tales
They were all about Barack Obama
And how his white house fails

Heres the story of Willard Romney
Who folks knew as Mitt
He opposed men who lived together
But he was full of shit

Till the one day when this party picked Mitt Romney
And they new that he was clearly out to lunch
But they knew what was good for your family
That's the way they became the Shady Bunch

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Occupying Sesame Street

Upon the Street, that seemed so sweet

The climate was changing attitudes were rearranging.

When the muppets, all non indiscrete, decided to occupy Sesame Street.



It started with Cookie Monster, who when smacking his lips

started his morning counting his chips.

He let out a roar after counting the stacks

4 out of 100 taken for the Sesame Street Tax.



He contacted Grover,

said, “Hey come on over.

My head I am scratching

with this plan I am hatching.

I won’t be a Stooge

The Cookie Tax is huge.

Please bring me a treat

for we will occupy of Sesame Street





So Grover came over

and brought some more friends

Bert and Ernie arrived in a Mercedes Benz

Big Bird stood outside

Of the Monster’s abode

For fear he’d collide

With the Monster’s commode.

And sitting by himself, alone on the couch

atop the plastic slipcovers, was Oscar the Grouch



Then suddenly arriving was Gladys the Cow

she arrived with a couple, denied their wedding vow .

For in walked Miss Piggy, all quite agog

for she was escorted by Kermit the Frog.

It appears that a law, which was carefully hidden

made marriage between a toad and a sow forever forbidden.



So each had their protest, each had their sign.

“Repeal the Cookie Tax.” “Let Frogs marry swine.”

But the ruler then spoke, but first finished his last cookie

“Three times I’ve been married, and often had nookie.

So that’s the way it should be,

that’s the way it’s been done

Blonde women all three,

I won’t get another, ‘til I tire of one.’



So the protest was over,

Jail time for muppets

for the leader would only accept

his own hand puppets.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Friday, December 28, 2012

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Monday, December 24, 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Monday, November 12, 2012

Friday, November 9, 2012

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Monday, November 5, 2012