Canada's New Immigration Problem

Canada's New Immigration Problem

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Manitoba, Canada
November 2, 2010

With a likely outcome of the Republican Party regaining control of the United States House of Representatives, a flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a Sarah Palin nomination in 2012, has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?' “

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences, but the liberals dug under them. So he tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Republican Majority establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. So much job training is needed it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service. At least they don't break equipment.


In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. “If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age.” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that these illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “