Senator Crackerbarrel

Old Senator Crackerbarrel spoke to the nation.
“It’s time that we had massive deregulation.
I beg your indulgence so I can be heard
Too many laws are clearly absurd.
So today with my friend Senator Pill,
I present this new deregulation omnibus bill.

We must first repeal the law of attraction.
In my life, this has been a tremendous distraction.
If we eliminate this by simple subtraction,
we can eliminate unnecessary interreaction.

Number two to be gone is the law of gravity.
Liberals think this would cause an Earth Cavity
So we no longer may teach Isaac Newton’s theory,
of which I have grown very tired and weary,

Since, to our children Sir Isaac will no longer be taught
The law of Inertia is now all but for naught.
Without inertia and gravity a body in motion, can do whatever it please.
It can freeze,
It can sneeze,
It can stand in a breeze,
It can even jump up and up on a circus trapeze.

Lets not leave out our dear friends from Peta,
we’ll do as we please, with the Lion and Cheetah
So the Law of the Jungle goes out with the rest
So finally we can place, the MGM Lion under arrest.

For my next proposal I ask flexibility
It’s time to eliminate, The law of probability
Hear me out without any hostility.
For all consequences, I will probably take full responsibility.

Now we dispense with the Law of relativity
Albert expanded Sir Isaac’s creativity
Let us eliminate this Einstein activity
as we now approach the conclusion of this festivity.

Pass my proposal, start this deregulation
think of the wonders that would befall the great nation.
We’d float all about, without an Earthly attraction
At our own speed, no legal distraction
Animals would no long cause allergic reaction.
The world would soon be without dissatisfaction,
And our success would cause a worldwide chain reaction.”

So Senator Crackerbarrel finished his proposal.
Two men in white coats, were at his disposal.
“We love you bill about regulation,
but it’s time to give you a mild sedation.”

So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken away
So Senator Crackerbarrel was taken that day.
But what did become of the Senator’s bill?
It’s now law you see, it passed Capital Hill.

So the nation now lives with it’s feet in the air,
men no longer give pretty girls that gawking stare
Lions no longer rule that Jungle so distant
and items move by without any resistant.
I’d say this an improbable occurrence indeed.
But, I’d be arrested, All Senators agreed.

Spam in a can

I am Poor

I am Poor
Poor I am

That Poor-I-am
That Poor-I-am!
I do not like
that Poor-I-am

Do you like Spam in a can?

I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.

Would you like to get on Medicare?

It’s socialism I don’t dare.
I will rely upon the Lord’s Prayer.
I can’t afford Spam in a can.
I can’t afford it. Poor-I-am

Did the bank just take your house?
How will you then feed your old spouse?

Yes the bank did take my house.
And I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I do not like spam in a can
I can’t afford it Poor-I-am.


Why don’t you invest in stocks?
You can store them in a box.
I have got no cash for stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

Would you? Could you? Buy a car?
Chauffeured! Chauffeured! Be a Star.

I would not ,could not, buy a car

You can work for me for free.
While I go on a shopping spree.
Work for free, what do you think of me.
I would not, could not work for free.
Nor buy a car! You let me be.

No money for stocks.
No need for a box.
I don’t have a house.
Nor do I have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I Will not eat Spam in a can
I Can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

Champaign! Champaign!
Champaign! Champaign!
Could you, would you drink Champaign?

No Champaign! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! I am Poor! Let me be!
I would not, could not, buy some stocks.
I have nothing in my box.
I no longer have a house
I no longer have a spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.


Say!
Sleep in the park?
You can Sleep in the park!
Would you, could you, Sleep in the park?

I have had to, Sleep in the park.

Where do you go in the rain?

I go nowhere this is my domain.
I Sleep in the park. Don’t drink Champaign,
Don’t have a car, Won’t work for free.
I can’t afford it, Poor, you see.
Don’t have a house. Can’t buy some stocks.
I lost my spouse. Don’t need a box.
I do not take Medicare. It’s Socialism I don’t dare.

You do not like spam in a can?

I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

Maybe you could buy a boat.

I would not, could not buy a boat!

It might help you keep afloat

I could not, would not, buy a boat.
How would that keep me afloat?
I sleep outside in the rain.
I cannot afford your Champaign.
I Sleep in the park! Won’t work for free!
Don’t have a car! You let me be!
I can’t afford them buy some stocks.
I have nothing to put in my box.
The bank down there just took my house.
Then off and running was my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.

I can not afford spam in a can!
I can’t afford it, Poor-I-am.

You can’t afford it
SO you say.
Try it! Try it! Anyway.
Try it and you may say.

Poor!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
this is shit spam in a can!
I missed nothing for, Poor-I-am!
And I won’t eat it in a boat!
And I won’t feed it to a goat...
And I would pour it down the drain.
If I had my own domain.
Not in a car. Nor in a tree.
It tastes like crap or can’t you see!

So I will eat it buy some docks.
And I will feed it to a fox.
If only I still had a house.
I could feed it to my spouse.
I do not take Medicare.
It is Socialism I don’t dare.

I do so like spam in a can!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Poor-I-am

The Mighty Curmudgeon

Sit back Children and listen to this tale
About an unusual super hero
And his unusual travail

The Government denies his existence
But I found the proof
with the greatest resistence.
This is no spoof

Somewhere buried underground, deep in a Dungeon
there is true validation of the Mighty Curmudgeon .

Now Superman can fly, and Spiderman can climb.
But the Curmudgeon just feels that that’s a waste of his time.

“Why should I fly,
when on TWA
The Fountainebleau is just
two hours away.”

“ You want, I should climb a wall
what if I fall.
My Jaw I would break,
Oy I’d have such an ache.”

“It’s true, I have powers, beyond mortal men,
but if you want an old man to fly, please call up John Glenn.”

From the moment he woke,
when he took his first stretch
The Curmudgeon would
Kvetch and Kvetch and Kvetch

He could out-Kvetch them all,
“Get out of the Tub,
the Tub is too small
and the whitefish won’t fit
in our shower stall.”

“Stay off of my lawn.”
He would yell at the boys.
“Stop reading that book,
it makes too much noise.”

So why does a nation
all troubled with debt
find this curmudgeon
to be such a threat?

He wrote letters to Nixon about liberation.
Complained to Ford about runaway inflation.
Carter he nagged of the Nation’s frustration.
Reagan he hated his administration.
He complained of George I’s procreation
For it created George II’s complete obfuscation.
To Clinton he suggested he get a castration
So President Obama, without adjudication
made the following secret proclamation.

“We must capture this creature
hide him deep underground.
A place that will feature,
not even a sound

We must avoid protestation
when we capture this Kvetch.
For the sake of the nation,
I’ve drawn you a sketch.”

So they captured this Octogenarian
Charged him with being a bitter contrarian

Now somewhere in the bowels of the Capital City
Is a man, who has garnered, so little pity
There underground, alone in a dungeon.
Still Kvetching away, is the mighty Curmudgeon!

Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

That's the Libertarian Chicken. The Republican Chicken will only allow you to cross the road if the Democrat Chicken wants to prohibit crossing said road. The Democrat chicken can't decide what road to cross, so he eventually compromises, goes along with the Republican Chicken, forcing the Republican Chicken to state that it is too costly to cross this road.

The Chosen People Chapter Four. The Often Called him Speedo

It wasn’t easy being God, but it didn’t suck either. It was a lot of hard work, but there were perks. For instance, he alone could get Malomars in the Summer.


So why did he sell? He wanted to wrote his memoirs. He was concerned that with the burden of being God, his Part 3 would be no better than the Godfather Part 3. Furthermore, the offer was too good.


He was concerned, however, about the membership of the corporate conglomerate that was dealing with. Obviously the membership all had to be dead.


The numbers were astronomical. God believed in regulations. He would never allow sub-prime mortgages in heaven, therefore there were no short-sales and no mortgage modifications. Real Estate in Heaven was at an all time high. The money was to be deposited in an off shore account in the Cayman Islands.


But God still didn’t know who he was dealing with. What did it matter? The Matrix for life on Earth was so good that it had survived floods, hurricanes, the 1994 Baseball strike and George W. Bush. He would take the deal.


After the closing his first activity was a Club Med vacation. He asked some of the Angels to pack for him. They packed a Speedo thong. He wasn’t sure that he would ever get a chance to wear the suit, since he never intended for people to be clothed anyway.


The first day at dinner he sat with a German couple and some girls from Jersey. He knew before asking that they were from Jersey because of the accents, the abundance of eye shadow and the fact that they were discussing exit numbers.


Eventually the topic of the nude beach came up. The girls giggled. They said that they'd go topless, but not nude. God blushed with the image and swore that he'd look for them the next day. After all, he did know what he was looking for, since he was God he had seen them in their natural state many times. And it was good.

Ronnie went back to his room and started to unpack. He suddenly realized that there were items in the bag that he hadn't asked the angels to put there. The Angel of the Jewish Mothers was at it again. She fed him, looked after him. He swore that he'd move out by his next birthday, his six thousandth. He accepted the fact that she had packed a heavy sweater for him. This is often needed near the Equator. But did she have to pack the prunes?


The next day he got up early and went to the beach. He figured that since he really didn't know anybody yet, then this was the ideal day to go to the nude beach. He put on his Speedo, loaded himself with sun tan lotion, but forgot that there were going to be parts of his body that had never seen the sun before.


He thought that he looked great in the thong. In reality had Neal Armstrong seen that moon he would have planted the American flag and stated that this was "one small step for a man a disgusting sight for mankind!"


He staked out his spot, gradually got up the nerve to take off his Speedo.


When a couple of beautiful naked ladies were walking his way. They said something, in French to him. His French was a little rusty. He turned to the woman on the next blanket, "Do you speak French?"


"Yes, I do."


"Do you know what they said?"

"Oui, they said that it looks like a Penis, only smaller."

The Chosen People Chapter Three, Ginsburg retires

Chapter III- Ginsburg retires

In 2013, Ruth Bader Ginsburg felt that she could no longer serve the country as a Justice of the Supreme Court. President Bachmann nominated former Texas Governor, Rick Perry to replace her.

The Senate now consists of three parties and two independents. There are 37 Democrats, 2 independent, Barry Samuels of Vermont, and Olympia Snowe of Maine who caucus with the Democrats. Snowe resigned the Republican Party, upon passage of the “Super Colossal Patriot Act.”
There are 43 Republicans, and 18 Christianicans. The vote for Perry went as expected 61-39.

Alaska Christianican Senator, Sarah Palin, stood and accused the Democrats of divisive behavior. She promised to immediately commence hearings in her “America first committee,” about the treasonous, and stated, “that from my window, I can see Senator Schumer, visiting the Russians.”

Senator Schumer was unavailable for comment, but his staff indicated that he would comment at his weekly Sunday evening Press conference.

With Justice Ginsburg’s retirement, the extreme Right had a solid majority on the court. When the issues of School Prayer and Abortion came up, long standing case law was overturned.

In the abortion decision, a 14 year old girl was denied access to a Nome, Alaska Planned Parenthood, and her mother arrested for child endangerment, when an angry group of Anti Abortion advocates, blocked the doors to the Alaskan facility. The group relied upon an Alaskan statute that said that, “people can use whatever means necessary to protect the safety of the unborn.”

The court in a 5-4 decision, Justice Perry writing the decision upheld the Alaskan Statute. The mother continues to serve 25 years to life. Justice Perry stated, ‘it has long been American tradition to value the sanctity of life, up to and including the date of birth.” Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas and Alito concurring,

Justice Thomas wrote a short concurring opinion, “There’s no place like Nome!”

Thus commenced the mass exodus of American Liberal to Canada.

Canada's New Immigration Problem

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Manitoba, Canada

January 10, 2014

“With a effect being felt of the Right Wing takeover of the United StatesGovernment, a flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The Bachmann Presidency, has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night." I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?' “

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences, but the liberals dug under them. So he tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,"he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. 'They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Republican Majority establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. So much job training is needed it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service. At least they don't break equipment.


In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. “If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age.” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that these illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “

The Chosen People Chapter Two, God's Will

CHAPTER II- God’s Will

The Jewish vote typically turns out in very large percentages. But 2012 was “the perfect storm.”

Jews had typically voted Democratic, but President Obama’s support of Israel was tepid at best. Romney, whose opinions often depended on the make up of his audience gave a pro Israel speech at Yeshiva University on October 30, 2014.

There had also been two, very amateurish, explosive devices discovered in voting booths in Williamsburgh, Brooklyn and Palm Springs, Florida. The devices were defused and there were no injuries, There weren’t meant to be.

The bombs were placed there by a militant Michigan militia, who gave strong financial support to Michelle Bachmann. The sole intention of the devices was that they be found, prior to the commencement of voting so the voters of Jewish districts would be scared away. It worked.

New York City had its lowest percentage turnout in history. That combined with upstate typically being more conservative gave New York to Romney with 42% of the vote.

In Florida Obama only got 22 %, Romney 50% and Bachmann 28%.

The results started pouring in from ‘middle America,” Bachmann was carrying many states, It was apparent that nobody would get the required 270 Electoral votes.

In her speech that night, Bachmann vowed to “fight on,” and that she would occupy the White House in January. “The result’s were God’s Will.”

Harvey was getting concerned. The day after election day, a very mysterious, but thoroughly likeable man with a Yiddish accent walked into Harvey’s Law office in Syosset, New York, looking to write a will.

God had heard enough. All he ever heard was “God’s will.” He decided that it was finally time that he actually wrote a will.

How would he go about such a venture? There was a lot that he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t really a citizen of any one country. Where would he go? He first thought about Israel. Then he realized all the controversy that this would cause. He remembered that he had once said that “The Jews were the chosen people.” He thought that it was time that he stopped choosing them.

He had just come into a lot of money. He sold his business and residence to a large conglomerate. He wanted to know how to protect his assets.

Although Harvey knew that he didn’t have testamentary capacity, there was something charming about this little man, claiming to be God. The man was clearly intelligent,

Harvey decided to do a normal client interview.

“ I first like to draw a family tree. Do you have any children?” Harvey asked with great excitement about the pending answer.

“I have one son.”

“Would you like him to be the executor.”

“Why, he never calls. He never writes.”

“Let’s skip over that for the time being, What are your assets?”

“ I have an ark, two tablets a grail, and a couple of billion from the sale of heaven and earth, safely deposited in the Cayman Islands.”


“Do you work? “

“A long time ago. It only lasted six days.”

“Let’s get back to this executor. Is there anyone else that you would consider.”

“ Yes, my sister. The boy’s aunt. We call he Auntie Christ.”