The tale of the wild Mondegreen

YOU AND ME AND LESLIE were getting together for dinner. My SLOW COUSIN WALTER had a suggestion, “DONUTS MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE.” Walter and I drank to much and this was MIDNIGHT AFTER I WAS WASTED.

I said “Why don’t we just go home, mom is BAKING CARROT BISCUITS.”

“JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME, BABY. “ Said Leslie in that confusing manner that she had. “THERE’S A BATHROOM ON THE RIGHT.”

Before I could get to the bathroom, THE GIRL WITH COLITIS WENT BY. She could take a while. So I got into a game of billiards. I’M THE POOL HALL ACE.

Walter got a snack. He must have GOT A LOT OF LUCKY PEANUTS, because I played the game of my life.

Leslie left, she had no problem getting home because SHE’S GOT A CHICKEN TO RIDE.

Leslie tried to make me sad, as she left she said “EXCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THIS GUY.”

Leslie or as I like to call her, Miss Beezlebut was often doing things like that. Sometime I believed that Miss BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL FOR A SIDEBOARD.

How would we get home. We had a choice, either the reindeer or the motorcycle. It seems that the reindeer was depresses. It seems that OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAMES. So we took the motorcycle. Since it had no windshield we kept getting hit with bugs. Now, I didn’t MIND DEAD ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS; THEY'RE BLOWIN' IN THE WIND.

When we got home, I went straight to the refrigerator. “WHAT A NICE SURPRISE, WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF ICE!”

Walter’s mom woke up. His father had BEEN KILLED IN A BAR WHEN HE WAS THREE.

She greeted me with a hug.

I said, ‘So ARE YOU GOING TO STARVE AN OLD FRIEND?”

She requested that I play a song while she cooked. I had no desire to play for my food. “SUNDAY MONKEY WON'T PLAY PIANO SONG, PLAY PIANO SONG.”

But she was making my favorite meal, peas! So I played Mondegreen for her.

That night I would SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEAS.

Dear Speaker Gingrich

It’s no secret that the Republicans want the White House Back in 2012.
This is a transcript of a recent Republican strategy meeting
With apologies to Sondheim and Bernstein, sung to the tune of Officer Krupke

Dear lovely Right Wing Annie,
I need for you to speak,
He's kicked us in the fanny
The outcome sure looks bleak.
Sarah called him lefty,
Of hope we bereft.
Annie Coulter, what have we got left!

Reps
Gee, Barack Obama, you’ve really made us fools;
We never thought we’d lose to the party of mules.
We resorted to defamation,
This time it didn’t work.
To the voters we are really Jerks!

Newt
We are Jerks!

Reps
We are Jerks, we are Jerks,
You see that nothing works!
We need help, cause nothing really works!

Rove: (Spoken) It’s too early to give up.

Newt: (Spoken) Who shall I turn to?

Rove: Just tell it to Hannity.

Newt
Dear Right wing, Mr. Hannity,
The Press is so unfair.
With such a left wing bias,
I haven’t got a Prayer.
The far right is too pious,
Now my campaign is a flop.
My friend, Sean! This has got to stop!

Sean: Right!

Mr. Speaker Gingrich, are you kidding me?
Just keep avoiding issues, and they’ll plainly see!
That he’s just a socialist with terrorist ties.
Don’t tell the truth, keep telling them the lies!

Newt
Keep telling lies!

Reps
We will lie, we will lie,
Tell a bold faced lie,
Like the great O’Reilly we will Lie.

Sean: (Spoken) In the opinion of the self proclaimed judge of who is a Great American, you are a Great American.

Newt: (Spoken) Hey, I got Hannity’s endorsement.

Rove: So take him to O’Reilly.

Newt (Sings)
I can’t play family values, it isn’t gonna work,
My campaign is in trouble.
The New Speaker is a jerk,
He’ll leave us in the rubble.
The voters are berserk,
My friend Bill O. tell me what will work?

O’Reilly: Yes!
Dear Mr. Speaker, just follow my lead.
You choose Governor Palin, now tell her go breed.
Remember we’re Fair at Fox,
And if all else fails we’ll stuff the Ballot Box!

Newt
We’ll stuff the Box!

Reps
We’ll stuff the Box, we’ll stuff the Ballet Box,
We’ll stuff the Box, Box, Box,
We’ll listen to them all at Fox!

Rove: In my opinion, this President won't need get a second team. Go ask Rush!

Newt: Hey, I’m going to Rush!

Newt
Dear omniscient right wing leader,
They say I’m in the dump. I sent Sarah to the breeder,
Just to get a bump.
I’ll concentrate on swing states,
That’s what all agreed.
Ronald Reagan! Please don’t make me plead!

Rush:
Mr. Speaker, just stick to the right.
I guarantee, my friend that he won’t put up a fight.
You should have listened to me, cause you knew where I stood;
Just try to convince them he is from the Hood!

Newt
He’s from the hood!

Reps
He’s from the hood, he’s from the hood!
Not our neighborhood!
Different from us, we are good!

Annie
The trouble is he's lefty.

Sean
He’s not good at being untruthful.

Rush
The trouble is he's not hefty.

Bill-O
He’s also far from youthful.

Annie
The trouble is he's failin’.

Rove
So next time we’ll run Palin.

All
Mr. Speaker, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Speaker Gingrich,
You’ve blown your last chance,
It might have helped, had you known a little ‘bout finance.
Gee, Speaker Gingrich, We’re done with you now.
Gee, Speaker Gingrich,
Just say chow!

My Favorite Things

Old men in speedos, and laps girls can't fit in
remember those days when you only had one chin
Hair rapped around the head, like an old string
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored front teeth, and bottles of ex lax
Odd Smells and Bad Spells, and problems with Death Tax
Plumber's pants that show off your underwear stings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in short dresses, for whom you buy Beers
Strange hairs that grows from your nose and your ears
Your old friends have changed they are voting right wing
These are a few of my favorite things

When the wife yells
When you in law sings
When stripes don't go with plaid
I simply remember my favorite things
Then I don't feel so Bad.

Ron Paul's Campaign Song

Apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the very model of a modern Libertarian.
I know we shouldn't pay for Education or Librarians.
I know the Representatives and find them all hysterical.
From Barney Frank to Boehmer, I think them all quite Comical.

I very well acquainted too with matters economical
I can quote you from supply side to Reagan's fantaphysical.
With leaders of the tea party I vote for Reds and not the Blues.
If elected it will be a crime to collect the Union’s dues.
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
A crime to collect the Union’s Dues
I’m really quite familiar with matters that are agrarian.
Keep your fat ass off my lawn I’ll repeat til I’m an Octogenarian.

In fact in matters economic, political and social I am the very model of a modern Libertarian
In fact in matters economic, political and social He is the very model of a modern Libertarian

My Jewish Journey-or- The Road less traveled.

My Cousin was asked by his Temple to describe his Jewish Journey. He wrote a very compelling speech

I am eight years younger than my cousin, so although some of our experiences were the same, I just don’t remember them. I am the youngest of three. My sister is six years older them me, my brother 4 ½. My first home was above my father’s store in Woodhaven, NY.

Family legend tells of how my brother and sister, being the only Jewish children in the neighborhood were also the only children not invited to birthday parties. It isn’t something that I experienced. When I was 9 months old, my parents moved the family to a new neighborhood in southern queens, built upon a swamp. The neighborhood was Howard Beach. The community that we lived in was Lindenwood.

Lindenwood had to be 95% Jewish. I was aware that there was a world outside, because my Dad owned a combination Toy Store and Sporting Goods Store. So on December 24, four days before my birthday, Dad would be working until midnight, assembling Bicycles.

In 1960, I entered Kindergarten, at the same time the first Catholic President was about to be elected. I naturally thought that the rest were Jewish.

My parents, wanting their children to have the proper Religious training, sent us to the Ozone Park Jewish Center. Ozone Park was an Orthodox Temple. There I learned how to avoid the left hook of the Rabbi. Seriously, he never raised a finger to me, because my Dad had become the Vice President of the Temple.

Dad’s position as VP was very odd. He never liked organized religion, never went to Temple. As a matter of fact there was never a Friday that he didn’t work late, nor a Saturday when he wasn’t in early. He was offered the Presidency, but turned it down, because he felt that someone with stronger Religious beliefs should hold that position, not a man who was just there for his business savvy.

I was a lazy kid. Although I could read Hebrew, I had watched those who were Bar Mitzvahed before me, and couldn’t read Hebrew, the Rabbi, in addition to a one-two combination, would give them a transliterated copy of their Torah reading. So I faked that I couldn’t read Hebrew.

There at thirteen, except for the weekly Bar Mitzvahs of my friends, my Religious training had ended. At the same time, I was ending the time that I would be attending school in Howard Beach and Ozone Park.

I was an underachiever. My belief was, “don’t do today, what you can put off until tomorrow.” I fooled my teachers, but not my parents. I was taken out of the public schools to attend The Parkway School and later it’s associated High School, The Highland Preparatory School in Jamaica Estates, Queens. I was a preppie!!

Although Highland was not a Religious school. I would estimate that 70-80 % of the students were Jewish. That was never more evident than in Athletics. They grow us rather small in stature. When I graduated I was the tallest in my class. I was 6 feet 2 inches tall. Because of my stature, the Coach was always asking me to join the Basketball team. I wasn’t very good. To this day, I can’t figure out how to bounce a ball and run at the same time. I did finally relent. I lasted 1 week. That was my varsity career.


Back home in Howard Beach, my friends and I would venture into Ozone Park to play ball. Where about once a year the local thugs would pelt us with rocks to get us to return to the Jewish neighborhood. Once we were chased with torches, once I had a knife pulled on me. This combined with the massacre at the 1972 Olympics, started me to realize how important it is to maintain the religion, even if I was only capable of doing it for pride and not for religious reasons. You see, I’ve always questioned the existence of an invisible man in the sky. I don’t deny that it is possible, so you wouldn’t call me an atheist. I guess that you could call me a reformed agnostic.

During my senior year of High School we moved from Howard Beach to Massapequa (known as Matzoh Pizza, because of its predominantly Jewish and Italian population).

From there I went to the University of Bridgeport, a place where many Jewish boys and girls from Long Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts spend four years. I traveled to Europe the summer of 1976, where for the first time in my life, I was subject to anti-Semitic comments from people that I knew.

I had a job as a stock boy in a suburb of London, when a coworker, who I had come to like made the following declaration, “The only group of people that I don’t like are Jews. Are there any Jews in New York?” To say that he wasn’t worldly would be an understatement.

That same summer, terrorist hijacked an French airliner, on its way to Israel, and took the hostages to Uganda. The Israelis made a daring rescue of the hostages and my Jewish pride.

Later that year, back in Bridgeport, a “friend” of mine, said to another friend of mine, that “All Jews should be put in ovens.” For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself as a Jew.

My education was about to change. I was going to Law School. So where in 1978, does a good Jewish boy from Queens go to Law School? St. John’s University, of course. Here classes would be held n Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, but not on All Saints Day. There was a whole world out there.

As years would go on, something strange would happen, I’d become my Dad. I’d have no Religious beliefs, (I now refer to myself as a “Jew for Jeter.”) but I’d have incredible pride in my Religion. Jewish achievements would become paramount in the now informal part of my Education. The baseball books that I’d read would be about Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax. I’d watch Woody Allen and Mel Brooks and look forward to the hysterical use of Yiddish.

When it was time to get married, I found a Jewish Girl. The world had embraced me.

I now write for a hobby. I do it with a Yiddish dictionary on my desk. The use of a good “Putz” or “Meshugana” is as important as the words Hebrew National on my hot dog wrapper.

I started doing that one day when I wrote a parody of a Dr. Seuss story, called Eggs, but no Ham

Eggs But No Ham

I love the writing of Dr. Seuss. I also love the use of Yiddish. So with the help of a copy of Green Eggs and Ham and a Yiddish/English Dictionary, I present the story of Schwartz-I-Am.
__________________________________________
Apologies to Dr. Seuss
Would you like
that piece of ham?
I can not eat Ham,
for Schwartz-I-am
I was circumcised at eight days old,
and ever since then, I’’ve done what I’’m told.

Would you try it
just this once?

No I think that I’’ll stick to
my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.
I will not eat that piece of Ham,
Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.
But I’’d like to, said
Schwartz-I-am.

I’’m sorry you can’’t eat
a slice of Ham.
How about a can of Spam?

Nobody wants Spam in a can.
Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.
I will not eat it
when I Pray.
I will not eat it
at the end of day
A Jew won’’t eat Spam in a can
I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am

Would you try it in the Shul?
Would you eat it with a Fool?

Would you get this through you head.
I cannot eat food that’’s ill-bred!
I will not eat them in a Shul.
Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!
The animal must chew its Cud.
So I guess your party is just a Dud.
To a boy named Murray such is banned.
I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.

Would you eat them
in the Temple?
Please come here and
try a sample!

I will not eat them in the Temple.
What’’s your problem are you really that simple.
I will not eat it from a box.
I’’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.
You see this Beanie upon my head.
It’’s just not the way that I was Bred.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.

A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
Could you just this
once try a Shrimp?

A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!
Not even with that Shiske Sweet!
I would not, could not, eat his food.
I could not, would not, I’’m not being rude.
I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.
My Mother may catch me, I won’’t take the risk.
A Cheeseburger, I’’ve never had.
Not even as a Little Lad.
I will not date that Shikse Pam. Although, I’’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.

But,
Nobody will know,
There’’s no one to show
Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.

I would not, could not,
even with Moe
Would you, could you,
on the Sabbath?

I would not, could not, on the Sabbath
Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.
Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.
I cannot eat this what you serve,
So you’’ll have more left in reserve.
Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?
You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!
Now listen while I tell you just one last time,
for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.
I will not eat a slice of Ham.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam
I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.

I got comments. Both negative and positive from people all over the country. I had found my inner Jew.

The Fox Zone

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to news. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between fiction and slander between fear and propaganda, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the dearth of his knowledge. This is the dimension of not of imagination. It is an area we call the Fox Zone."
Imagine a world where the News creates the events, not the other way around. Imagine a world where one man’s view, that only the rich thrive, dictates what will be on the air.
Now take yourself back in time. You’re in your tenth grade science class. You remember the experiments. You start with the hypothesis and end with the conclusion. But something has changed, not only in Science, but in Current Events and History. The teacher is advocating starting with the conclusion and ending with the hypothesis.
Leap forward thirty years. You are now a scientist for the Oil Company. You are told by your employers to begin with a conclusion. “There is no climate change.” From here you create the facts.
Your childhood friend is writing History books for the State of Tennessee. He starts with the conclusion. Slavery was a minor incident in our history. From here create the history.
Your classmate works for a group of men that he refers to as “good old boys.” Their conclusion is that the holocaust is fiction. From here fill in the facts.
In this world, people aren’t doomed to repeat history, because it never happened. They get to experience it for the first time!

Where there's a will, There's a Lawyer

We are all in similar positions. I’m sure that you’ve asked yourself, “Have I done everything possible to leave my heirs in as comfortable condition as I possible can, and to ensure that I’m as comfortable as possible for the remaineder of my life?”

You should have a few documents prepared to clarify your intentions, and maybe to protect your assets. Keep in mind that I am licensed in New York State, only. What I’m about to advise may differ in other states. Certainly it varies from country to country. This is purely from a “New York State of Mind.” Wherever you are located you should see a qualified Lawyer and ask about the following documents.

1) Health Care Proxy and or Living Will. New York has a statute that gives official state recognition to the health care proxy. This document names an agent for health care issues only. Before choosing an agent, you should make it clear to that agent, exactly what your intentions are regarding end of life decisions. You should further make sure that this agent is capable of following your instructions.

This is a simple document to prepare and administer. Without it, you have no guarantee that your wishes will be followed. Or you will not become a Political Volleyball.

2) Durable Power of Attorney. This document gives your agent the power to see
over your assets, if you are incapable of doing so. The word durable means that it survives incompetency. This could mean the difference between using your money to take care of yourself, or paying an Attorney to have the courts name a conservator over your assets. .

3) Will and or Trust. Whereas the Power of Attorney directs your assets while alive, the will controls them upon your death. Without a will the state will determine through their intestacy laws, who is entitled to your assets.

Many advisers recommend a trust in addition to a will. I don’t believe that it is a panacea for all issues. When do I recommend a trust? (I’m speaking solely about revocable trust. Irrevocable trusts are sometimes an effective estate planning tool for Medicaid planning, but I’ll leave that for another time.)

A) You’re not sure who your heirs are. How is that possible? I once probated the will of a man, who was raised in an orphanage, his wife had predeceased him and he had no children. He left everything to his wife’s nieces and nephews. In NY State, and I’m sure in many other states, the people adversely affected by a will, the closest blood relatives, must be noticed. We had to hire a genealogist to go back to the turn of the 20th Century, to find out who these people were. It cost over five figures.

B) You don’t want to leave anything to a child. This unfortunately happens. Since that child has to be given notice of a probate, it’s not inconceivable that he or she may fight the will. A trust, which isn’t probated, avoids this issue.

C) You’re rich and famous and you want privacy. Once a will has gone to probate anybody can see it.

D) It’s necessary that your heirs get immediate access to your assets. A probate can take some time, but is not as bad as people believe.

Keep in mind that a trust takes two steps, 1) Execution and 2) Funding. Unless you change the title of your assets to the trustee as trustee, the trust is no more valuable than an empty box.


This is a basic outline. You should see a qualified elder law attorney. Don’t go to just any lawyer. Go to a Lawyer experienced with estate planning. Remember a little knowledge can be dangerous. If you don’t know an elder law attorney contact The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (NAELA). They’ll be happy to steer you in the right direction.