Conspiracy Theory

There's a lot of spin going on, I told you yesterday, about Al Qaeda plan to release their first full length feature film called, "Weekend at Osama's"

There's also a DJ in Detroit who says if you play his last video backwards, you can hear the works, "I buried Osama."

Witnesses to bin Laden's killing claim to have heard a second shot from a grassy knoll in Dallas. This is being investigated, even though the shooting was in Pakistan.

Oliver Stone is believed to be working on his own theory involving Cuban Nationals. It seemed that they had scheduled a ballgame against the Nationals in Havana Castro didn't want to be embarrassed by losing the game, so he had their pitcher killed.

There's a theory out of London that he was killed by the British Royal Family, to stop the problem created by being a Prince Charles look alike.

Another theory out on London is that he was partying with the Stones, and choked on a Ham Sandwich.

There's also the belief that he wanted a preview of the 72 virgins. When the first virgin uncovered her face, he had a heart attack and died.

Weekend at Osama's

The Al Qaeda Spin doctors are saying that the Navy Seals didn't kill Bin Laden. They have quickly releases the first feature length Al Qaeda Movie. Released through their own studio, Fourth Century Fox, here is a brief summary of their version of Osama's death. "Weekend at Osama's."
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Achmad and Abdul are two low-level employees at Al Qaeda who uncover a $2 million fraud involving financing of Osama’s hit album sings Elvis that were released after the death of the Infidel producer. Taking their findings to their boss Osama Bin Laden, they are commended for discovering the fraud and invited to Osama's cave the following long weekend, and promised extra virgins.


Unbeknownst to Achmad and Abdul, Osama is behind the fraud and nervously arranges with his
Taliban partners to have them both killed that weekend and arrange it as a murder-suicide. The talibans, however, double cross Osama and change the plan to have Husni murder Osama at his cave house instead, as Osama's reckless greed has made him a liability, in addition to the fact he is having an affair with the Taliban boss Najeed’s girlfriend, Nasmah.. During the dinner Nasmah, slides her sandal off and plays footsie with Osama with her bare foot.


Osama arrives at the cave early, before Achmad and Abdul, and speaks to Husni on the phone.
With the belief that this conversation, is going to become part of Osama’s next video it is recorded. The conversation pointedly mentions Osama's alibi once Husni is supposed to kill the two friends. Osama then writes a confession and plants cash implicating Achmad and Abdul in what Osama thinks will be their later deaths. Husni arrives, kills Osama by injection of Chicken Soup and leaves a Gefilte Fish to appear as an apparent overdose.


Achmad and Abdul arrive at the beach house, find their now dead boss and think he is meditating. While trying to liven him up, they discover the Gefilte Fisht left as evidence by the killer to suggest that Osama overdosed. At this point, guests start arriving for a "floating" party that passes through Osama's house every weekend as he is immensely popular in the cave.


Achmad and Abdul immediately realize that the vast majority of people are too engrossed in their own suicides to notice the "host" and even the few appearing to talk to Osama in passing are too superficial and oblivious to think twice about his apparent lack of response between his eyes concealed behind dark sunglasses and a certain dopey grin from the murderous OD: "you've never looked so relaxed," someone tells him.


Despite the more conniving Achmad's effort to persuade his friend to take advantage of the incredible situation to enjoy the accommodations for at least a while, straitlaced Abdul begins to call the Al Qaeda leaders when he spots the arrival of a Al Qaeda, summer intern Shifa.


Managing to move Osama's body away from the party with Achmad broadly hinting their boss is "dead" drunk, Abdul is finally free to court the hooded Shifa with Achmad's prompting: "Girl, cave, mud, sand, dirt."


After the party has ended, another man from Najeed's gang arrives and has reason to believe Osama is still alive. He immediately calls in this surprising news to Najeed who has Husni check back at the cave the next day. The next morning starts with Achmad playing Monopoly with his dead boss. This game of monopoly is the Tora Bora version.


Abdul gets flustered when Shifa arrives to thank Osama for her summer job . To hide Osama from Shifa, Achmad ends up dropping the corpse off the side of the mountain, unknowingly on top of Husni who was spying from beneath the mountain. At once shocked and provoked by what he thinks is this sudden attack, Husni chokes Osama until he's positive he has no pulse.


Achmad and Abdul finally determine to the Al Qaeda leaders inadvertently press the tape
machine playback of Osama's conversation with Husni alluding to their planned murder, which in turn leads them to discover the cash and note left by Osama framing them. They initially try to leave the cave by camel, dragging Osama draped over their shoulders to look like he's walking between them.


The camel leaves as they arrive at the Hookah cafe and Husni - who is on the Camel - becomes agitated at the sight of Osama running alongside Achmad and Abdul shouting to stop the Camel.


Husni is driven crazy by how two murder attempts on Osama could have failed.


Next, Achmad and Abdul attempt to use Osama's Camel to leave the cave. Neither knows how to ride a Camel, however, and they end up wreaking havoc on various local Camels and merchants.


The Camel soon runs out of cud, and the duo is forced to slide on Osama's back to the cave.


At the house, Shifa confronts Achmad and Abdul to pressure them to tell the truth. They break down and reveal that they had found Osama dead from the start of the weekend. Suddenly Husni returns, thinking Osama is still alive, and blatantly fires six gunshots into Osama in front of Shifa, Achmad, and Abdul. Husni then turns the gun on the others, but he has emptied the chamber. Chasing them with another loaded gun, Husni is caught by surprise when Achmad manages to entangle him with the cord from Osama’s dialysis machine and knock him out.


Al Qaeda eventually arrive to cut off Husni’s hands, chopping them off s he continues to insist Osama is still alive.


As Osama is being loaded onto the Red Crescent Moon Camel, the gurney rolls away and down the desert, dumping his body off the gurney and onto the desert yet again, where a young boy comes along, and starts to play by scooping buckets of sand over the body. At last, Osama is buried and can rest in peace... or can he?

Norton Hears the Who

Apologies to Dr. Seuss


On a hot day in June, from Above Garden came a Tune,
The Arena was cool, The sewer had stool,
He was sloshing.....fixing the sewer’s great clogs,
Was Norton the Sewer Worker Prodding Through all the Bogs.
So Norton stopped plunging, he heard a loud sound.
"That’s funny," said Norton, "I’m deep underground"
Then he heard Guitars blast, as loud as all thunder,
As if a Rock and Roll Band had joined him down under.


"I can’t stand it." cried Norton. "This is not part of the Job.
The advertisement didn’t mention this, they just wanted a slob!"

Then he heard a loud crash, the drums caused a cave in!
"Ralphie Boy," cried Norton, "I may never get out,
arrange for the Raccoons to help me breakout.
This music it’s rotten. It’s no way to go.
The Who up above, me drowning below!
It’s their Generation their talking about,
it’s so loud I’m afraid I will never get out."

"I’m just some poor sewer worker, all dripping in crap
I know that there’s an exit, I know that there’s a trap.
I won’t see Trixie or Ralph again I’m afraid
Something smells rotten down here, I should have Brought some glade.”

Crash went the symbols and Daltry let out a yelp.
He was glad he wasn’t Tommy. He could at least yell for help!
But who would hear Norton, it didn’t compute.
Nobody knew where he was, he was merely a Substitute!
Trixie told me, thought Norton, not to work tonight.
I should have listened he thought, and I shouldn’t have worn white!
I know Ralph will save me, The Raccoons will help him,
but it would have been better had my best friend been slim!

Then suddenly as the cold did make Norton shiver.
He wondered if The Who, would play Swanee River
And just as he thought that his future was clear,
He heard a voice, and it was quite near

Leading the International Loyal order of Raccoons
Was Ralph the Bus Driver, singing Who tunes
The Norton said, “Ralph can I make a suggestion,
The Who will not be the answer to the $64,000 question.”

And just as they entered they went sloshing on through,
To join Trixie and Alice, upstairs watching The Who

Presidential Positioning of Politico Palin

Presidential Prognosticators ponder the prospect for a possible Presidential positioning of Sarah Palin after Mrs. Palin posed the position that the President should face prosecution, because his pet poodle Penelope was perceived to have purchased plenty of prophylactics At a Pittsburgh Planned Parenthood.

Palin’s pathetic posturing does not portend well for her in the Pennsylvania Primary.

“Pennsylvania,’ predicted Palin politico, Peter Puck, ‘probably will be a precursor to predicting Primaries in other Powder keg parts.”

Puck opined that Palin may have pulled open a Pandora ’s Box of Politics.

Dr. Seuss's Passover Part 2

To continue our Passover thread
We will follow the route of the unleavened bread
Long ago it was mandated
That this poor soul matzo be castrated.
For in the soup as one recalls
Appear the remnants of his balls

Next we have the bitter Herbs
Oh my Stomach this disturbs
Then the child asks the questions four
As Elijah comes in the open door
“I’m not Elijah, you’re too kind
Your door was open, I’ll rob you blind.”

“I’ll take your Matzo and your wine
Tonight I shall eat mighty fine,
No thank you, no horse radish please
All it does is make me sneeze.”

With that our guest had left our home
And Murray went to use the phone
He first said to Stu,
I know what we have to do,
We’ve no choice my friend,
How much do you have to spend?”
He knew what would change a Jews bad mood
So he ordered in some Chinese Food.

Dr. Seuss's Passover

I cannot eat bread
This feels like lead
I cannot go
My bowels are slow
Oh my god, Please let me know
for eight whole days
The food just lays
I eat a fish that swims in jell
No more Gefilte, I feel like hell
The chicken is boiled
The egg is spoiled
So let me ask question number five
Upon this food, how did we survive?
If I sneak mine to my dog Rover
I might just last one more Passover.

The tale of the wild Mondegreen

YOU AND ME AND LESLIE were getting together for dinner. My SLOW COUSIN WALTER had a suggestion, “DONUTS MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE.” Walter and I drank to much and this was MIDNIGHT AFTER I WAS WASTED.

I said “Why don’t we just go home, mom is BAKING CARROT BISCUITS.”

“JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME, BABY. “ Said Leslie in that confusing manner that she had. “THERE’S A BATHROOM ON THE RIGHT.”

Before I could get to the bathroom, THE GIRL WITH COLITIS WENT BY. She could take a while. So I got into a game of billiards. I’M THE POOL HALL ACE.

Walter got a snack. He must have GOT A LOT OF LUCKY PEANUTS, because I played the game of my life.

Leslie left, she had no problem getting home because SHE’S GOT A CHICKEN TO RIDE.

Leslie tried to make me sad, as she left she said “EXCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THIS GUY.”

Leslie or as I like to call her, Miss Beezlebut was often doing things like that. Sometime I believed that Miss BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL FOR A SIDEBOARD.

How would we get home. We had a choice, either the reindeer or the motorcycle. It seems that the reindeer was depresses. It seems that OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAMES. So we took the motorcycle. Since it had no windshield we kept getting hit with bugs. Now, I didn’t MIND DEAD ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS; THEY'RE BLOWIN' IN THE WIND.

When we got home, I went straight to the refrigerator. “WHAT A NICE SURPRISE, WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF ICE!”

Walter’s mom woke up. His father had BEEN KILLED IN A BAR WHEN HE WAS THREE.

She greeted me with a hug.

I said, ‘So ARE YOU GOING TO STARVE AN OLD FRIEND?”

She requested that I play a song while she cooked. I had no desire to play for my food. “SUNDAY MONKEY WON'T PLAY PIANO SONG, PLAY PIANO SONG.”

But she was making my favorite meal, peas! So I played Mondegreen for her.

That night I would SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEAS.