Our Changing World

I've written many stories, today I decided to see if I can combine some, adding to it in places to make a short story. Here is "Our Changing World."

The global political map has changed dramatically since 2010.  The evolution of the Tea Party.   Protests in the Middle East,  Russian Homophobia and many other world events can be traced back to one event, the “2010 Million Billionaires March on Washington.”

On July 6, 2010 at a jointly held press conference, Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch announced that they would be organizing “The Million, Billionaires march on Washington.”

After selling their list of demands to the reporters present, Trump spoke up, “There is no ‘affirmative action’ for billionaires. I went to vote, I couldn’t even get a cocktail with it. Furthermore, they only let me vote once. I own over 200 corporations in the United States and those corporations are people too. Had we gotten to vote only once for every corporation that we own, the results of the 2008 Election  would have been quite different.”

“I don’t see why poorer people should vote at all,” Murdoch interjected. “Eventually we’ll let the voting right trickle down to them.”

“This will be unlike your traditional march, because we won’t actually be marching. We will hire proxies to march for us and furthermore there aren’t a million billionaires, there are only about four hundred of us, and Gates, Buffett and Bloomberg have refused to join us. So far we expect to have the proxies for The Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson and Mitt Romney, of course,” stated Trump.

There is growing support in The House of Representatives for legislation that would give aid to billionaires. “This won’t cost us one cent,” stated Representative, Eric Cantor, “All that we have to do is extend the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent, reduce school lunch programs, and it will work. I don’t want to bore you with the math.”

Later that day the controversial “aid to billionaires” language was earmarked onto a bill guaranteeing all injured veterans one meal per day, which had been stalled in committee for two years.

On October 20, 2010, a relatively peaceful march took place on the Mall.   The Marchers consisted of mostly minimum wage workers, who , it was later learned, were paid less than the minimum wage to be the proxies for the Billionaires.   The one exception was Baseball Star, Alex Rodriguez.   

It was believed that Rodriguez appeared in an attempt to fix his tarnished image after it had recently been revealed that his Contract was modeled after farm subsidies legislation.   Just as a farmer, may be paid by the Government not to grow a particular vegetable,   Rodriguez was paid by the New York Yankees, not to hit in the post season.      

This protest was widely believed to have swayed many voters to vote Republican in the 2010, elections.

THE CANADIAN IMMIGRATION PROBLEM. The overwhelming victory by the Republicans in the 2010 midterm elections set into motion a series of events nobody could have predicted.   It started with an unusual and unforeseen immigration problem for United States’ neighbors to the north, Canada.  On November 10, 2010 the border police gave out a warning about “a flood of American liberals seen sneaking across the border into Canada“, which sparked calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

Most reliable sources believe that the Republican landslide prompted an exodus among left-leaning citizens who feared that they would soon be required to “hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.”

Canadian border farmers noted that dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossed their fields last night. “I went out to milk the cows yesterday, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences today, failing to stop the liberals who dug under them. Mr. Nesterenko also tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. They did have a nice little ‘Napa Valley cabernet’, though,” he added.

It has been reported that the few liberals who got caught were sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about that if there is a Republican Majority, they will establish re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. According to well-informed sources, “liberals need so much job training that it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service.”

Reports of liberals have coming up with ingenious ways of crossing the border, faced with uncertain future in the US.  Many Liberal started posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.  After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have reportedly complained that these illegal immigrants are “creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies”.

”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need?“ she added.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD ADAPTS TO THE NEW AMERICA.  Not all Liberals or Liberal organizations fought this apparent Republican Revolution.       Planned Parenthood, for example, decided to adapt their policies to fit in with the new main stream.

On November 25, 2010, Planned Parenthood President, Cecile Richards, in a shocking announcement, told a group of reporters, that based upon the shifting priorities of the nation, the board of directors of Planned Parenthood, will “change its focus from women’s health issues, and focus on what women of the Twenty-first century truly need: cooking, cleaning and laundry classes.”

A written press release that accompanied the news conference, Planned Parenthood said, “We are focusing on the woman of tomorrow. The woman unconcerned with equal pay, the woman who doesn’t distinguish the method of conception for she is aware that God ultimately planted the seed, the women who is aware that her man has biological needs and is not too selfish to consider his satisfaction first, the woman who plans to become a stay at home mom.”

When called for comment on this announcement, Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney praised Planned Parenthood, and stated, “I never intended to defund such a good God fearing organization.”

Planned protests and attacks on Planned Parenthood, by the Tea Party were immediately cancelled.

“TEA PARTY” CONGRESSMEN ANNOUNCE PARENTHOOD AMENDMENT.  Two “Tea Party” Congressman Todd Akin of Missouri and Richard Mourdock , of Indiana on January  5, 2011 called for a Constitutional Amendment stating that life begins at Ejaculation. This amendment would outlaw in vitro fertilization, stem cell research, contraception, masturbation and nighttime emissions. The “Personhood” amendment would define each sperm cell an individual life.

 
When asked about the practicality of banning nighttime emissions or “wet dreams” Representative Akin said “If his thoughts are pure, the male body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Representative Mourdock, said that he thought long about the issue of Masturbation, and finally concluded that, “Because God killed Onan for ‘spilling his seed,’ we must follow God's example.”

Protests rang out from many sources. Playboy magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, stated that “it is clearly a violation of the right to privacy.” Philip Roth, author of “Portnoy’s Complaint” stated that “this will have a deleterious effect on the sale of liver.”

Presidential Candidate, Rick Santorum, supporting the amendment, stated “Is it wiggling a tail. If it is, ergo, it is life.”

It was later learned that Conservative Pundit , Ann Colture, was behind the bill, Colture responded to critics who questioned the feasibility of such legislation, “I’ve been out with a lot of men, somehow they've had no difficulty controlling themselves around me. It can’t be that difficult.”

Hollywood also attempted to change their image, but with disastrous results.    Universal Studios announced on June 4, 2011, that they had in production a biopic on the life of GOD.  They intended to have Mel Gibson direct the picture, but a Universal Executive, hired the wrong Mel.     Having already spent close to $100,000,000.00 in preproduction, Universal decided to go ahead with this epic, directed by Mel Brooks.

Brooks said in a press release “I have no intention of embarrassing Universal.  The Movie will be an epic, because I will play God. After all who else is old enough? It’s going to be done through the eyes of God’s interviewer, who will be played by Carl (Reiner). We will find out if the Earth was really created in six days, or did God take that rumored vacation to The Fontainebleau in Miami Beach after the fifth day?   We will see God advising Noah about building an Ark, ‘No, No use the good glue. That crazy stuff.’ We will see God dancing at Jesus’s Bar Mitzvah. “

The original thoughts of Producer Verner Brothers was to have Mel Gibson write and direct the film. The famous “hands off” approach of the Hollywood Mogul, at first appeared to have backfired. The highly successful, yet controversial Brothers left the task to his Associate Producer, who mistakenly hired Brooks.

When reached for comment, Gibson said, “We had an oral contract. This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the situation, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.

When reached for comment, Brooks said, “I’m not too worried. I’m the only one old enough to have known God as a boy. I spoke to him, and this is what he wants.” 

Universal, who later bought into Brook’s ideasm  announced the rest of the prospective cast. Sid Caesar as Methuselah, Gene Wilder as Noah, Nathan Lane as Onan, Mathew Broderick as Jesus and featuring Cloris Leachman as God’s sister, “Auntie Christ.”

The United States was not alone in these dramatic changes.  

PROTESTS COMMENCE IN MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRIES.  In Egypt, Syria and even Saudi Arabia Citizens began to protest.   The Saudi Arabian government has come under attack from its citizens for taking eight whole years to behead a convicted woman,. Numerous eye-witnesses accounts describe unruly mobs shouting, “Off with her head,” “Death to the United States” and “Let’s go, Mets,” following the announcement of the long-anticipated beheading of a Saudi Arabian woman.

Laila Hafiz was sentenced to death by beheading in 2005 after her Saudi employer accused her of cutting off his own head. The man’s completely uncorroborated, seemingly impossible claim was accepted by Saudi court as bulletproof evidence when he said, “An eye for an eye, a head for a head,” although Miss Hafiz claimed innocence by pointing to her accuser’s full, unharmed head from which he was speaking. Despite this witch-like trickery, it took almost eight years for the death sentence come to realization, irking many in the Saudi general public who have cried out for justice.

“The new regulations, which limit the defendant’s rights at trial, were supposed to speed up the beheading process,” said Saudi spokesman Said Habib Ishmael. “We don’t allow them witnesses, they serve as their own lawyer – though they cannot technically speak at trial – and they have the right to appeal, but we don’t really tell them how. I’m really sorry this is taking so long. I thought this thing was in the bag – and by ‘thing’ I mean this woman’s head.”

This resulted in an unexpected electronics revolution in Saudi Arabia.  The Saudis, in their desire to have taken steps to speed up the beheading process in the future. After decapitating the former minister of beheadings, the royal family commissioned Saudi Engineers, to develop the automatic Behead-O-Tron 5000 machine.  This machine is now considered state of the art in the industry.

We had to do something, because this wataking way too long” said Shahid Jamil, one of the protesters. “By the time my kids get to see it, they’ll be all grown up and then it’s just not as special. The magic’s gone, you know?”

Mr. Jamil went on to say that if the lethal display takes much longer to stage, he risks having to think about the terrible condition of civil liberties in his country.

ISRAEL PROPSES NEW ALLIANCE.  In December, 2011, in the spirit of international cooperation, Israel offered to assist Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his wish to be launched into space. “We will stretch our arms out across Jordan and Iraq, and help President Ahmadinejad fulfill his dream. Oy, it will be such a pleasure!” stated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, while offering the Iranian leader fully operational rockets, which have the capability of launching Ahmadinejad into space.

In a country where it is often said that the opposition “can’t even agree upon lunch,” there has been unprecedented support of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s proposal. Opposition leaders were singing and dancing as they unanimously agreed on the offer. “You should only know how long it’s been that I wanted to put a rocket under this man’s Tuckus,” added Israeli Knesset member Shaul Mofaz.

There has been no word from the Iranians about the Israeli proposal, but Israeli leaders have indicated that they’d be happy to surprise their new friend and drop the rockets off in Tehran. “They shouldn’t worry that they didn’t get us anything. This is just our present to them,” a grinning Mr. Mofaz stated.

Chief Israeli rocket scientist Moshe Rabinowitz told a news conference today that the Israelis have developed a unique and inexpensive form of rocket fuel. “We make it from the leftover horseradish and Gefilte fish from Passover. That stuff can get anything going, it certainly works for me.”

This could lead to a new and unexpected spirit of cooperation between Israel and the Arab nations. It is rumored that if this rocket works, Israel will willingly donate rockets to all of the other Arab nations.

When asked if they had considered all of the contingencies to get the Iranian leader home, Mr. Netanyahu said, “The Shlameel can find his own way home. We’ll leave breadcrumbs.”

BUT BACK IN THE UNITED STATES THERE WAS STILL DIVISION.  On January 1, 2012, Claiming that he could have “met the Republicans half way, and extended the year to December 32,” talk show host Rush Limbaugh blasted the Democrats for letting the year expire.

“My friends, they had plenty of warning, that this unfortunate event would occur, but just like every other year they thwart all efforts to extend the deadline. Why, you ask, because President Obama’s “Far Side” Calendar ends on December 31,” the Conservative Pundit said. “in fact why not a thirteenth month? We can call it Rushember, or Limbaughary.”

Although the modern Calendar has been in its present form since the year 4 AD, Limbaugh believed that the country should avoid the “Calendar Cliff.”

Mr. Limbaugh also said that the citizens of the USA “did not approve for the next year to begin, regardless of what the rest of the world may or may not want”.

Upon hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Speaker of the House, John Boehner, said, “I sent such a proposal over to The White House, but The President did not respond.”

REPUBLICANS ANXIOUS TO SPEND THE CAPITAL EARNED IN 2010 STAGE A UNIQUE DEBATE.  The Republicans were running out of issues to debate and places to debate them.  So on February 15, 2012, the Republican candidates debated in the Emerald City in Land of Oz. The Moderator for the debates is the first lady of Oz, Dorothy Gale.

Gale’s first question was   for Newt. Gingrich. “Mr. Gingrich, I hear that you have become a highly paid lobbyist, who was born without ethics. Tell me Mr. Gingrich, what would you do with ethics if you had any?”

Gingrich: (To the tune of “If I only had a brain.”)
I must feed my overworked libido
That’s always been my Credo
I drive a Mercedes Benz
And My Haircuts they cost Plenty
So it’s really elementary
I have no need for any friends.

I’ve taken large retainers
Hidden in milk containers
Their pockets, I will cleanse

I am clearly narcissistic
So let’s not be unrealistic
I will never make amends

Oh, I wear silken ties
And Thousand dollar suits
With the NRA I am in cahoots
A gun is safe, unless it shoots

I am just a bottom dweller
Can not accept a failure
I take any large stipends
So it’s ethics I avoid
I’ll never help the unemployed
Or those who need to wear depends.

With the Audience cheering Ms. Gale asked Newt. Romney…” you’ve been accused of changing your position depending upon the audience that you are appearing before. In fact, there are those that believe that you were born without credibility, Tell me Mr. Romney, do you want credibility?”

Romney: (To the Tune of “If I only had a Heart.”)

When a Politician’s less than Credible,
Often his words are just inedible
That’s why I cannot be believed.
Just because the nomination is looming
and my ratings aren’t booming
lack of credibility is perceived.

I’m not honest, I’m not candid, and often underhanded
with those who’ve been deceived
I’d deport all Mexicanis, Canadians, Cubanis
self deportation, I’ve conceived

I’ll have fun, on air Force One
above is my dog upon the roof
it’s so quiet you can barely, hear a woof
Cause I’ve made it sound proof

Barak, I beat...how sweet
Just to drill off in the ocean, condemn Newton’s law of motion
You all have been deceived
I could buy the little dipper, kill off dolphins, but not flipper
when my coronation is received.

The debate ended in dramatic fashion when the moderator ask Rick Santorum. “It has been said that you would’ve made a great President, in the thirteenth century. What can you say to those that say you are behind the times.”

Santorum: (To the tune of, “If I only had the nerve.”)

There are those of us who know Katrina
was God’s way of punishing men misusing their own Weiner
now I know they will observe

so listen all you sinners
don’t be losers be all winners
sleep with Sally and not Irv.

You have tried all other ruses
With no plausible excuses
Said the Lord you don’t observe.

So let’s avoid another annoyance
Just listen to my clairvoyance
Do not dress with your flamboyance
Or you’ll get what you deserve.

IN OCTOBER, 2012, in a surprise announcement the Supreme Court agreed to review the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act.    Upon hearing this a pack of dogs, fearful that they would be forced into marriages with humans, picketed the Supreme Court in favor of Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). It is unclear whether the Court, who recently accepted review of a case involving DOMA, will address this issue of inter species marriage or not.

The dogs were led by famed dog trainer and television personality, Romano Caesar, “The Dog Translator.” Caesar, said that these dogs, “all from fine homes, were upset, because they believe that if you open the gate to Gay marriage, next they will be forced to marry humans.”

Caesar, allegedly quoting Fifi, a French Poodle, Bull Mastiff mix from Great Neck, New York, said “Humans are ok, I mean they feed us and all, but I’d never want to marry one. They have such strange habits. They defecate in a hole, never sniff or lick their butts afterwards, and they seem to love to pick up our feces, after we go through all of the trouble of leaving it there for the next guy.”

The leader of the pack was “short haired, Irish Setter,” named Capone. Caesar informed reporters that Capone was already planning to organize pets so that they would receive the protections afforded by the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution. Quoting Capone, Caesar said, “If they want us to fetch a stick, we want to be paid for it. If not they can fetch their own sticks. Let’s see them try to put a stick in those tiny mouths that they have. They’ll be begging us to accept a fair wage to fetch their sticks when they run out of them.”

The demonstration was relatively peaceful. There were two people were taken to local area hospitals as a result of minor injuries sustained at the protest. Officer Liam O’Sullivan was taken to Georgetown Hospital with a bad allergy attack and Justice Antonin Scalia was rushed to George Washington University Hospital suffering from fleas.

PAT ROBERTSON BLAMES the Liberals, The ACLU, feminists and Barack Obama leading in the polls for Gods decision to bless other countries, besides the United States.  In late October  The Reverend Pat Robertson said that the Supreme being and Creator of the World, God himself has blessed a handful of other countries while America wasn’t paying attention.  He said  that “The Almighty used the opportunity when the United States, otherwise the only country to receive the God’s blessing in decades, wasn’t watching, to bless among others, Russia, Great Britain, Japan, and, surprisingly to many, China.”

The normally elusive Lord explained his actions, “At first, when Irving (Berlin) wrote the song, I said ‘that’s a catchy tune, alright, I’ll do it.’ That was nearly 100 years ago! What do they think; they don’t have a monopoly on blessings. I’m a busy guy, and there are plenty of other nations out there. You never hear anybody saying ‘God bless Nepal,’ do you?”

The United States, long thought of as the “most favored nation,” has reportedly recently fallen out of favor with the Lord. “How much can I take? Every time that there is a stiff wind in New York, or a shake in San Francisco, some Louisiana Preacher says that I am punishing them for homosexuality. Do you really think that in a country whose priority is owning a gun that can kill 20 children in a matter of seconds, that two peaceful men holding hands, really bothers me?”

The US citizens, still bewildered by the Lord’s unprecedented action, said that they can look the other way this one time, but that the key to a good relationship is communication.

“If He was so upset with our constant nagging, He should have said something instead of going behind our backs. I feel that he somehow betrayed our trust. I mean, come on, China? Really, God? They don’t even believe in You, for Christ sake!” said one of the upset citizens.

But Reverend Robertson took a different approach.  “You notice that he didn’t bless Kenya!  If we send this President back to Kenya, we’ll get God back.”

After hearing of God’s blessing, the third world nations petitioned the United Nations for second world status.  At the meeting of the General Assembly of the United Nations on November 1, 2012, the Kenyan Ambassador, who said that who represents the Third World Treaty Organization (TWTO), stated that “I forgive God for the oversight,” and demanded that the United Nations pass a resolution dictating that, “in the absence of a True and Distinct Second World, we should now be referred to as Second World nations, and that Israel should be sanctioned.”

Speaking in his native Swahili, Ambassador Obundande, who wore the traditional Kenyan attire of a “Barack Obama for President” T-shirt and running suit, addressed the Secretary General by stating, “the surviving delegates of last month’s meeting of the Third World Treaty Organization, demand that since the collapse of the former Soviet Union, there are really just a first and a third world. What’s the second? I don’t know, and Israel should be sanctioned.”

Ambassador Obundande, who ran barefoot to the United Nations from Kenya, spoke of the indignities of being classified as “third world”. 

“America, where we meet today, is a first world country. Last week I crossed the river to meet some of your countrymen in New Jersey. I had never been to New Jersey before. To me that was a fourth world country. We demand a raise and Israel should be sanctioned”

According to unconfirmed reports from within the organization, there was significant disagreement among the nations of the TWTO about the official language the resolution would be written in. Abdul Mohammad Joseph, the Ambassador from Lebanon, confirmed the speculation, explaining that “at first we couldn’t reach a majority. Then it occurred to me that if we eliminated two countries, we would have a majority. So we beheaded the delegates from Swaziland and Uganda, and we blamed Israel.”

The General Assembly’s vote did not appear to be a close one, due to the ever-popular language of sanctioning Israel. The Russian Ambassador, Sergei Fairenov, addressed the General Assembly by saying, “The Russian People are proud to now be a first world nation, and welcome the nations of the former third world into the second world.”

The team of representatives from various countries engaged in a heated debate for close to five hours. The Polish ambassador, Lech Kowalski, addressed the General Assembly using the vitriolic language that has come to characterize his appointment. “The hubris that was demonstrated today will be taken into consideration when my country votes. To go from Third World to Second World you must demonstrate more than a missing world,  but I agree that Israel should be sanctioned.”

The Normally sedate General Assembly has had sporadic moments of violence. The Mexican Ambassador was shot and wounded when he tried to cross into the American Ambassador’s space. Paper airplanes, which were aimed for the Afghan delegation, landed instead on the Pakistani delegation. 

Finally at 7 P.M EST the American Ambassador, Susan Rice, stood to cast her vote for the United States. “As a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council The United States intends to exercise its veto power.”

On Election day there was a surprise result. A box retained by Former Florida Secretary of State, Kathryn Harris, was found containing 800 uncounted votes for Vice President Al Gore, from the 2000 election. These 800 votes would have meant that Al Gore would have won Florida’s electoral votes in 2000 by 263 votes.

Miss Harris said that she had meant to release this information on December 5, 2000, however “I went to put on my makeup, by the time that I was through, it was December 12, and the Supreme Court had ruled. I was so happy, that I forgot all about them,” Harris said. “I asked (Republican Legal Counsel and Former Secretary of State, James) Baker what to do, he said, ‘just keep them for a souvenir.’”

Reached at his Texas home, former President George W. Bush, stated, “What do they want out of me? I was President of the United States, not the leader of a treasure hunt. That’s all that I heard, ‘George where’s Bin Laden?’ ‘George where are the WMDs?’ ‘George, where’s FEMA?’ Now it’s ‘George, where are the missing ballots?’ Can’t they just leave me alone,” asked Mr. Bush.

The chief Legal adviser to George W. Bush regarding the Florida recount, former Secretary of State James W. Baker, when asked about his responsibility in making George W. Bush the 43rd President of the United States, “I accept all responsibility and am proud of what I accomplished. Look at what it did for our position in the world. Alright, that’s a bad example. How about the economy, that may not the best choice. What about The Supreme… Oh, shit, I’m going to burn in hell,” added Mr. Baker.

Al Gore, who has relocated to a tropical vacation on the beaches of Juneau, Alaska, has never responded.            

Then the changes in the world seemed to mean nothing, because according to the ancient Mayams the world  was about to end.  However one group had another idea. In  a  contemporaneous prediction by the Aztecs that the Mayans are wrong and that the world would not be destroyed in 2012. The Prediction, translated from the original Nahuatl language said, “The Mayans are full of crap. We know when the world will end, and at the appropriate time we will reveal it. Until then, leave us alone.”

The audience at a packed lecture house at the University of Bangladesh at Cleveland, listened intently as Professor Tracy Uhnak spoke of the ancient Aztec predictions and lifestyle. “The Aztecs were a simple folk, perhaps best known for their mastery of the board game Risk. Young Aztecs were especially thrilled when they captured the Mayan or Incan land on the game board,” Dr. Uhnak said.

The Aztecs were also known for their uncanny predictions. “Many of these predictions were recorded by conquistadors such as Hernán Cortés, Bernal Díaz del Castillo and Ricky Ricardo,” the professor explained.

“It was the Aztecs who first saw the breakup of The Beatles,” she elaborated. “An ancient drawing on a cave wall has been translated to read, ‘singers who think they are Walrus, have fight over wives.’”

The Aztecs had many predictions for 2012. They predicted that a formerly great nation would be ruined when a person, that they described as “Man with Orange hair, combed backwards,” would take over leadership. His reign would be short lived, being deposed when he insisted that the entire nation wear their hair similarly. They predicted that in 2012 that same nation would fall. They were unclear what this nation would fall off, but the loose translation is “cliff”.

Historians have learned to take Aztec Predictions with considerable skepticism. “I figured that they were never wrong. So, based upon that, I put down my entire fortune on The New York Jets this year. I’ll never trust another Aztec,” said long suffering Aztec historian and Jets fan Mark Cersosimo.

With the world just getting over the shock of surviving, Pope Benedict resigned, but it wasn’t his resignation that startled the world, but his going away party.    In what started as a very solemn and boring event, reports are coming out of prostitutes and marijuana managed to “spice things up” at Pope Benedict’s farewell party at the Vatican.

“We shouldn’t have opened that second case of sacramental wine,” said a very embarrassed Cardinal Timothy of Buenos Aires.

Reliable sources say that it was shortly after they opened the second case of wine that the Pope whispered in German to Cardinal Rolf of Berlin, “I know where we can get some pretty good shit in Vatican City.”

“Imagine my surprise when these two little old men in red gowns approached me asking for some of my ‘finest Vatican Red’” the Pontif’s alledged dealer who wished to remain anonymous  said. “I sold them the pot, but when they asked for a few girls dressed as nuns and a couple of Alter Boys for lap dancing, that’s where I draw the line. I have my ethics,” he added.

It is unknown where the cardinals got the prostitutes, but it is believed that at least six working women attended the affair. “They insisted that we all be called Mary. It was weird because that’s my real name, but they were paying, so what the hell,” said a woman simply known as “Candy”

“They were cheap, but at least at the end the Pope forgave all of our sins,” she added.

In July 2013, in order to keep the United States from defaulting upon it’s debts a monumental event occurred.                    The United States in a plan to add much needed revenue to it’s economy  decided to  return “The Louisiana Purchase” to France. The territory is “no longer to be considered American”.

“We, of course insisted upon a profit, due to improvements and inflation,” stated John Boehner (R.OH), the speaker of the House of Representatives.

For what was until recently all or part of fifteen states the United States spent $15,000,000.00 in 1803. Jean Ratelle, of the French National Assembly, stated, “The United States was only considering inflation. You are talking about the reversal of a 200 year old purchase. Certainly there was considerable wear and tear that would reduce the price.”

When asked, what was to become of the Citizens of the fifteen states, Speaker Boehner stated:
“They are now subjects of The Republic of France, and with a valid French passport they will be allowed to visit the United States. Those who are here illegally will be deported,” Boehner added.

Almost immediately, citizens of Idaho, Nebraska, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas. Mississippi, Tennessee, Ohio and Michigan, all states that border “The Louisiana Purchase,” formed organized militias to protect the borders from undocumented aliens.

With the added money in the United States’ possession, the much smaller country was able to reinvest the money in Government subsidies to gun owners.

“We did what we had to do,” stated Representative Eric Cantor (R. Va.).

“The President wanted to tax. We accomplished far more, without any added taxes. By subsidizing the gun owners, we can protect our borders,” said Mr. Cantor.

The sale of the area, once known as “The Louisiana Territory,” is only the first step for funding the Government, during this time of “sequester.”

“We’ve got to increase our exports and reduce our imports,” added Cantor. Canton also proposed “a tariff on all French Fries, Belgium Waffles, Canadian Bacon, and French Toast.”

Then on December 11, 2013 the Congress passed further immigration reform.   As a result of a little known section of the Sequester Agreement, 300,000,000 people were being deported from the United States. Section 12 of the “Budget Control Act of 2011,” stated that if “The Government of the United States, does not have an Immigration reform bill enacted by December 11, 2013, all people whose ancestry is not partially or completely “Native American” must leave the United States, on or before April 1, 2013.”

At a news conference that was cut short because he had to pack, President Obama told the press, “I’ve offered everything—-tax cuts, repealing Medicare, my White Sox tickets—- but speaker Boehner won’t send it to the floor. I don’t want to move to Kenya…!”

The long-term results of this deportation are yet to be realized, but the short-term aspects are beginning to be felt. The first, and most obvious result, will be the swearing in of the 44th President on April 1, 2013. Little is known of our future President, Chief Double-Down, except that he is the offspring of a 1/16 Cherokee.

Canada and Mexico have for the first time closed their borders. Speaking for the Mexican Government, spokesman Fernando Valenzuela, stated, “….and let’s see how they feel now.”

Outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner, speaking at an open house at is Ohio home, said, “This is clearly the President fault. He knew that we could never be trusted.”

On a personal note, this will be the last article by this reporter until I find a home in the Warsaw Ghetto.