Heaven's new owner

Heaven wasn’t what he had expected. Upon making inquiries he learned that although God was still in charge, the corporation that had taken over some twelve years earlier, had decided that it was financially a losing venture, and retained it solely as a tax deduction.

This was his opportunity. George Steinbrenner would lead a group of financiers, and purchase Heaven from the corporation.

A surprise press conference was called. This was an unusual practice. The last one was called about 1700 years ago to announce the first publication of the Bible.

Reporter: Will you be a hands on owner?

George: I know about Baseball and building ships. I know nothing about Heaven or afterlife. All decisions will be left to my Celestial People. We plan absentee ownership as far as running Heaven is concerned.

Reporter: You made a similar statement when you took over the Yankees. How do we know this to be true?

George: When I was younger, I was a bit impatient and I made a few moves and decisions that in retrospect I shouldn't have made. But I have tried to go back and rectify those moves and mistakes.

“I am tough. Sometimes I’m unreasonable. I have to catch myself every once in a while.


Reporter: In your press release you stated that you have stated that you’ve made arrangements for Billy Martin to be moved upstairs. Do you think that he really belongs in Heaven?

George: I loved Billy Martin. I thought Billy Martin would be a great manager. The one thing that hurt Billy Martin was personal habits. People keep coming up to me and asking, 'How did it feel to be banned for life?' Banned for life. I wasn't banned for life. There was never a word of suspension, probation or ban in that agreement. It was never meant to be part of it. Nor should Billy be banned for life.

Reporter: What will Billy’s role be?

George: God has told me that he intends to retire at the end of next season. Billy will take a year rest and return as God’s replacement.

Reporter: Don’t you think that that is a little dangerous?

George: I loved Billy Martin. I thought Billy Martin would be a great manager. The one thing that hurt Billy Martin was personal habits. In fact, why don’t you ask him yourself?

(Suddenly appearing from beyond a curtain is Billy Martin)

Reporter: Billy, your personal conduct and your managing style are not exactly what eaven is used to, will you alter your methods?

Billy: I don't think so because I've got the reputation for being baseball's bad boy and I don't deserve it. But I think I'd make a good all mighty leader. For one thing, I know how to handle men. That's the secret of managing. For another, I know enough about the game, not fundamentals, but executing. I think I could get the most out of players with common sense and psychology. I'm fiery enough that I'd have their respect. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever get the chance and there's nothing in the world that can change that.

Reporter: Billy, the God of the Bible was known for his strict rules. Giving your history, will you be different?

Billy: I believe if God had ever managed, he would have been very aggressive, the way I manage.

Reporter: George, You just fired God and hired Billy Martin. You’ve fired Billy before, why are you so sure that you won’t fire him again?

George: Billy Martin will manage the entire season. When you're entrusted with a tradition, you've got to protect it. I would say our relationship really, and this may sound crazy -- we're pals.

I can't criticize Billy's style and personality. In many ways, it's a lot like mine.

Billy: What do you mean, “season,” this job was for eternity?

George: If I want to fire you, I’ll fire you.

Billy: Just like Jackson. The two of them deserved each other. One’s a born liar; the other's convicted.

George: Billy, you’re fired!