My Cousin was asked by his Temple to describe his Jewish Journey. He wrote a very compelling speech
I am eight years younger than my cousin, so although some of our experiences were the same, I just don’t remember them. I am the youngest of three. My sister is six years older them me, my brother 4 ½. My first home was above my father’s store in Woodhaven, NY.
Family legend tells of how my brother and sister, being the only Jewish children in the neighborhood were also the only children not invited to birthday parties. It isn’t something that I experienced. When I was 9 months old, my parents moved the family to a new neighborhood in southern queens, built upon a swamp. The neighborhood was Howard Beach. The community that we lived in was Lindenwood.
Lindenwood had to be 95% Jewish. I was aware that there was a world outside, because my Dad owned a combination Toy Store and Sporting Goods Store. So on December 24, four days before my birthday, Dad would be working until midnight, assembling Bicycles.
In 1960, I entered Kindergarten, at the same time the first Catholic President was about to be elected. I naturally thought that the rest were Jewish.
My parents, wanting their children to have the proper Religious training, sent us to the Ozone Park Jewish Center. Ozone Park was an Orthodox Temple. There I learned how to avoid the left hook of the Rabbi. Seriously, he never raised a finger to me, because my Dad had become the Vice President of the Temple.
Dad’s position as VP was very odd. He never liked organized religion, never went to Temple. As a matter of fact there was never a Friday that he didn’t work late, nor a Saturday when he wasn’t in early. He was offered the Presidency, but turned it down, because he felt that someone with stronger Religious beliefs should hold that position, not a man who was just there for his business savvy.
I was a lazy kid. Although I could read Hebrew, I had watched those who were Bar Mitzvahed before me, and couldn’t read Hebrew, the Rabbi, in addition to a one-two combination, would give them a transliterated copy of their Torah reading. So I faked that I couldn’t read Hebrew.
There at thirteen, except for the weekly Bar Mitzvahs of my friends, my Religious training had ended. At the same time, I was ending the time that I would be attending school in Howard Beach and Ozone Park.
I was an underachiever. My belief was, “don’t do today, what you can put off until tomorrow.” I fooled my teachers, but not my parents. I was taken out of the public schools to attend The Parkway School and later it’s associated High School, The Highland Preparatory School in Jamaica Estates, Queens. I was a preppie!!
Although Highland was not a Religious school. I would estimate that 70-80 % of the students were Jewish. That was never more evident than in Athletics. They grow us rather small in stature. When I graduated I was the tallest in my class. I was 6 feet 2 inches tall. Because of my stature, the Coach was always asking me to join the Basketball team. I wasn’t very good. To this day, I can’t figure out how to bounce a ball and run at the same time. I did finally relent. I lasted 1 week. That was my varsity career.
Back home in Howard Beach, my friends and I would venture into Ozone Park to play ball. Where about once a year the local thugs would pelt us with rocks to get us to return to the Jewish neighborhood. Once we were chased with torches, once I had a knife pulled on me. This combined with the massacre at the 1972 Olympics, started me to realize how important it is to maintain the religion, even if I was only capable of doing it for pride and not for religious reasons. You see, I’ve always questioned the existence of an invisible man in the sky. I don’t deny that it is possible, so you wouldn’t call me an atheist. I guess that you could call me a reformed agnostic.
During my senior year of High School we moved from Howard Beach to Massapequa (known as Matzoh Pizza, because of its predominantly Jewish and Italian population).
From there I went to the University of Bridgeport, a place where many Jewish boys and girls from Long Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts spend four years. I traveled to Europe the summer of 1976, where for the first time in my life, I was subject to anti-Semitic comments from people that I knew.
I had a job as a stock boy in a suburb of London, when a coworker, who I had come to like made the following declaration, “The only group of people that I don’t like are Jews. Are there any Jews in New York?” To say that he wasn’t worldly would be an understatement.
That same summer, terrorist hijacked an French airliner, on its way to Israel, and took the hostages to Uganda. The Israelis made a daring rescue of the hostages and my Jewish pride.
Later that year, back in Bridgeport, a “friend” of mine, said to another friend of mine, that “All Jews should be put in ovens.” For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself as a Jew.
My education was about to change. I was going to Law School. So where in 1978, does a good Jewish boy from Queens go to Law School? St. John’s University, of course. Here classes would be held n Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, but not on All Saints Day. There was a whole world out there.
As years would go on, something strange would happen, I’d become my Dad. I’d have no Religious beliefs, (I now refer to myself as a “Jew for Jeter.”) but I’d have incredible pride in my Religion. Jewish achievements would become paramount in the now informal part of my Education. The baseball books that I’d read would be about Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax. I’d watch Woody Allen and Mel Brooks and look forward to the hysterical use of Yiddish.
When it was time to get married, I found a Jewish Girl. The world had embraced me.
I now write for a hobby. I do it with a Yiddish dictionary on my desk. The use of a good “Putz” or “Meshugana” is as important as the words Hebrew National on my hot dog wrapper.
I started doing that one day when I wrote a parody of a Dr. Seuss story, called Eggs, but no Ham
Eggs But No Ham
I love the writing of Dr. Seuss. I also love the use of Yiddish. So with the help of a copy of Green Eggs and Ham and a Yiddish/English Dictionary, I present the story of Schwartz-I-Am.
__________________________________________
Apologies to Dr. Seuss
Would you like
that piece of ham?
I can not eat Ham,
for Schwartz-I-am
I was circumcised at eight days old,
and ever since then, I’’ve done what I’’m told.
Would you try it
just this once?
No I think that I’’ll stick to
my Gefilte Fish for Lunch.
I will not eat that piece of Ham,
Nor can I date the Shikse named Pam.
But I’’d like to, said
Schwartz-I-am.
I’’m sorry you can’’t eat
a slice of Ham.
How about a can of Spam?
Nobody wants Spam in a can.
Not I, nor that nebish name Stan.
I will not eat it
when I Pray.
I will not eat it
at the end of day
A Jew won’’t eat Spam in a can
I will not try it Schwartz-I-Am
Would you try it in the Shul?
Would you eat it with a Fool?
Would you get this through you head.
I cannot eat food that’’s ill-bred!
I will not eat them in a Shul.
Nor will I eat them with you, you fool!
The animal must chew its Cud.
So I guess your party is just a Dud.
To a boy named Murray such is banned.
I will not try it, Schwartz-I-Am.
Would you eat them
in the Temple?
Please come here and
try a sample!
I will not eat them in the Temple.
What’’s your problem are you really that simple.
I will not eat it from a box.
I’’d just prefer a bagel and Lox.
You see this Beanie upon my head.
It’’s just not the way that I was Bred.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
I will not eat it, Schwartz-I-Am.
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
A Shrimp! A Shrimp!
Could you just this
once try a Shrimp?
A Fish that shelled, I will not eat!
Not even with that Shiske Sweet!
I would not, could not, eat his food.
I could not, would not, I’’m not being rude.
I will not eat your Lobster Bisque.
My Mother may catch me, I won’’t take the risk.
A Cheeseburger, I’’ve never had.
Not even as a Little Lad.
I will not date that Shikse Pam. Although, I’’d like to, Schwartz-I-Am.
But,
Nobody will know,
There’’s no one to show
Would you, Could you, Just like Moe.
I would not, could not,
even with Moe
Would you, could you,
on the Sabbath?
I would not, could not, on the Sabbath
Not with Moe. Not with the Shikse Pam.
Not in the Temple. Not in the Shul.
I cannot eat this what you serve,
So you’’ll have more left in reserve.
Ask me no more. Do you have some Schmaltz?
You went to the wrong store, this Nova has no zalts!
Now listen while I tell you just one last time,
for I fear that I can no longer rhyme.
I will not eat a slice of Ham.
I will not eat Spam in a can.
But I changed my mind about the Shikse named Pam
I am no fool said, Schwartz-I-Am.
I got comments. Both negative and positive from people all over the country. I had found my inner Jew.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Fox Zone
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to news. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between fiction and slander between fear and propaganda, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the dearth of his knowledge. This is the dimension of not of imagination. It is an area we call the Fox Zone."
Imagine a world where the News creates the events, not the other way around. Imagine a world where one man’s view, that only the rich thrive, dictates what will be on the air.
Now take yourself back in time. You’re in your tenth grade science class. You remember the experiments. You start with the hypothesis and end with the conclusion. But something has changed, not only in Science, but in Current Events and History. The teacher is advocating starting with the conclusion and ending with the hypothesis.
Leap forward thirty years. You are now a scientist for the Oil Company. You are told by your employers to begin with a conclusion. “There is no climate change.” From here you create the facts.
Your childhood friend is writing History books for the State of Tennessee. He starts with the conclusion. Slavery was a minor incident in our history. From here create the history.
Your classmate works for a group of men that he refers to as “good old boys.” Their conclusion is that the holocaust is fiction. From here fill in the facts.
In this world, people aren’t doomed to repeat history, because it never happened. They get to experience it for the first time!
Imagine a world where the News creates the events, not the other way around. Imagine a world where one man’s view, that only the rich thrive, dictates what will be on the air.
Now take yourself back in time. You’re in your tenth grade science class. You remember the experiments. You start with the hypothesis and end with the conclusion. But something has changed, not only in Science, but in Current Events and History. The teacher is advocating starting with the conclusion and ending with the hypothesis.
Leap forward thirty years. You are now a scientist for the Oil Company. You are told by your employers to begin with a conclusion. “There is no climate change.” From here you create the facts.
Your childhood friend is writing History books for the State of Tennessee. He starts with the conclusion. Slavery was a minor incident in our history. From here create the history.
Your classmate works for a group of men that he refers to as “good old boys.” Their conclusion is that the holocaust is fiction. From here fill in the facts.
In this world, people aren’t doomed to repeat history, because it never happened. They get to experience it for the first time!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Where there's a will, There's a Lawyer
We are all in similar positions. I’m sure that you’ve asked yourself, “Have I done everything possible to leave my heirs in as comfortable condition as I possible can, and to ensure that I’m as comfortable as possible for the remaineder of my life?”
You should have a few documents prepared to clarify your intentions, and maybe to protect your assets. Keep in mind that I am licensed in New York State, only. What I’m about to advise may differ in other states. Certainly it varies from country to country. This is purely from a “New York State of Mind.” Wherever you are located you should see a qualified Lawyer and ask about the following documents.
1) Health Care Proxy and or Living Will. New York has a statute that gives official state recognition to the health care proxy. This document names an agent for health care issues only. Before choosing an agent, you should make it clear to that agent, exactly what your intentions are regarding end of life decisions. You should further make sure that this agent is capable of following your instructions.
This is a simple document to prepare and administer. Without it, you have no guarantee that your wishes will be followed. Or you will not become a Political Volleyball.
2) Durable Power of Attorney. This document gives your agent the power to see
over your assets, if you are incapable of doing so. The word durable means that it survives incompetency. This could mean the difference between using your money to take care of yourself, or paying an Attorney to have the courts name a conservator over your assets. .
3) Will and or Trust. Whereas the Power of Attorney directs your assets while alive, the will controls them upon your death. Without a will the state will determine through their intestacy laws, who is entitled to your assets.
Many advisers recommend a trust in addition to a will. I don’t believe that it is a panacea for all issues. When do I recommend a trust? (I’m speaking solely about revocable trust. Irrevocable trusts are sometimes an effective estate planning tool for Medicaid planning, but I’ll leave that for another time.)
A) You’re not sure who your heirs are. How is that possible? I once probated the will of a man, who was raised in an orphanage, his wife had predeceased him and he had no children. He left everything to his wife’s nieces and nephews. In NY State, and I’m sure in many other states, the people adversely affected by a will, the closest blood relatives, must be noticed. We had to hire a genealogist to go back to the turn of the 20th Century, to find out who these people were. It cost over five figures.
B) You don’t want to leave anything to a child. This unfortunately happens. Since that child has to be given notice of a probate, it’s not inconceivable that he or she may fight the will. A trust, which isn’t probated, avoids this issue.
C) You’re rich and famous and you want privacy. Once a will has gone to probate anybody can see it.
D) It’s necessary that your heirs get immediate access to your assets. A probate can take some time, but is not as bad as people believe.
Keep in mind that a trust takes two steps, 1) Execution and 2) Funding. Unless you change the title of your assets to the trustee as trustee, the trust is no more valuable than an empty box.
This is a basic outline. You should see a qualified elder law attorney. Don’t go to just any lawyer. Go to a Lawyer experienced with estate planning. Remember a little knowledge can be dangerous. If you don’t know an elder law attorney contact The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (NAELA). They’ll be happy to steer you in the right direction.
You should have a few documents prepared to clarify your intentions, and maybe to protect your assets. Keep in mind that I am licensed in New York State, only. What I’m about to advise may differ in other states. Certainly it varies from country to country. This is purely from a “New York State of Mind.” Wherever you are located you should see a qualified Lawyer and ask about the following documents.
1) Health Care Proxy and or Living Will. New York has a statute that gives official state recognition to the health care proxy. This document names an agent for health care issues only. Before choosing an agent, you should make it clear to that agent, exactly what your intentions are regarding end of life decisions. You should further make sure that this agent is capable of following your instructions.
This is a simple document to prepare and administer. Without it, you have no guarantee that your wishes will be followed. Or you will not become a Political Volleyball.
2) Durable Power of Attorney. This document gives your agent the power to see
over your assets, if you are incapable of doing so. The word durable means that it survives incompetency. This could mean the difference between using your money to take care of yourself, or paying an Attorney to have the courts name a conservator over your assets. .
3) Will and or Trust. Whereas the Power of Attorney directs your assets while alive, the will controls them upon your death. Without a will the state will determine through their intestacy laws, who is entitled to your assets.
Many advisers recommend a trust in addition to a will. I don’t believe that it is a panacea for all issues. When do I recommend a trust? (I’m speaking solely about revocable trust. Irrevocable trusts are sometimes an effective estate planning tool for Medicaid planning, but I’ll leave that for another time.)
A) You’re not sure who your heirs are. How is that possible? I once probated the will of a man, who was raised in an orphanage, his wife had predeceased him and he had no children. He left everything to his wife’s nieces and nephews. In NY State, and I’m sure in many other states, the people adversely affected by a will, the closest blood relatives, must be noticed. We had to hire a genealogist to go back to the turn of the 20th Century, to find out who these people were. It cost over five figures.
B) You don’t want to leave anything to a child. This unfortunately happens. Since that child has to be given notice of a probate, it’s not inconceivable that he or she may fight the will. A trust, which isn’t probated, avoids this issue.
C) You’re rich and famous and you want privacy. Once a will has gone to probate anybody can see it.
D) It’s necessary that your heirs get immediate access to your assets. A probate can take some time, but is not as bad as people believe.
Keep in mind that a trust takes two steps, 1) Execution and 2) Funding. Unless you change the title of your assets to the trustee as trustee, the trust is no more valuable than an empty box.
This is a basic outline. You should see a qualified elder law attorney. Don’t go to just any lawyer. Go to a Lawyer experienced with estate planning. Remember a little knowledge can be dangerous. If you don’t know an elder law attorney contact The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (NAELA). They’ll be happy to steer you in the right direction.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Origin of the Species
Origin of The Species
A group of world renowned Anthropologists and Archaeologists recently met to ponder the question, "Where did the Neocons come from?" The question arose when Swedish Archaeologist, Edgar Johanssen, on a dig in Cos Cob, Connecticut, unearthed a pink sweater in the vicinity of a pair of penny loafer shoes and an izod shirt. Carbon Dating estimates that these items of clothing are from the year 1981. This predates the generally accepted date of the founding of the Neocon movement by about ten years.
"This is Conclusive proof that the modern day Neocon evolved from the lower New England Yuppie." said Johanson.
"Hogwash!" said Neoconservative Matriarch, Anne Coulter. "There is no proof to the theory of Evolution. It is well established fact Irving Kristol created the movement in six days. Read the Gospel according to the prophet Rush. Furthermore, I know of no reason why Neoconservatism cannot be taught in the schools as a contradictory argument to History and Economics."
When asked for an explanation of why the sweater, shirt and the penny loafers mean that the Neocons evolved from the Yuppies, Johansson explained that similar articles of clothing were found "in Wyoming and Crawford, Texas. These are areas that the Neocons were known to thrive."
It is believed that the Neocons began as a warring, nomadic group of young white Conservatives who were pushed out of Cos Cob and migrated to points south and west. During the migration their diet evolved from Perrier water and lobster to grits, bacon and Schlitz Beer.
The Migration was not without incident. Neocons, a violent group, have been known to shoot each other in the face, with their ever present weaponry.
It is also not unusual for a Neocon to turn on one another when they feel that their Leader has been shown disrespect.
"In conclusion,: Johannson said, "if you happen to see a Neocon stay away. They can be rabid. If bitten or scratched, go immediately to the nearest hospital, and hope that they accept your insurance."
A group of world renowned Anthropologists and Archaeologists recently met to ponder the question, "Where did the Neocons come from?" The question arose when Swedish Archaeologist, Edgar Johanssen, on a dig in Cos Cob, Connecticut, unearthed a pink sweater in the vicinity of a pair of penny loafer shoes and an izod shirt. Carbon Dating estimates that these items of clothing are from the year 1981. This predates the generally accepted date of the founding of the Neocon movement by about ten years.
"This is Conclusive proof that the modern day Neocon evolved from the lower New England Yuppie." said Johanson.
"Hogwash!" said Neoconservative Matriarch, Anne Coulter. "There is no proof to the theory of Evolution. It is well established fact Irving Kristol created the movement in six days. Read the Gospel according to the prophet Rush. Furthermore, I know of no reason why Neoconservatism cannot be taught in the schools as a contradictory argument to History and Economics."
When asked for an explanation of why the sweater, shirt and the penny loafers mean that the Neocons evolved from the Yuppies, Johansson explained that similar articles of clothing were found "in Wyoming and Crawford, Texas. These are areas that the Neocons were known to thrive."
It is believed that the Neocons began as a warring, nomadic group of young white Conservatives who were pushed out of Cos Cob and migrated to points south and west. During the migration their diet evolved from Perrier water and lobster to grits, bacon and Schlitz Beer.
The Migration was not without incident. Neocons, a violent group, have been known to shoot each other in the face, with their ever present weaponry.
It is also not unusual for a Neocon to turn on one another when they feel that their Leader has been shown disrespect.
"In conclusion,: Johannson said, "if you happen to see a Neocon stay away. They can be rabid. If bitten or scratched, go immediately to the nearest hospital, and hope that they accept your insurance."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Impeach the President
The New York Post
January 25, 2011
BY: Muck Racker
It started out as a story on Glen Beck's show on Fox. "It's time that we patriots, exercised our strength. The Constitution should be strictly construed. This is precisely what our forefathers had in mind when the used the term 'misdemeanors.'"
A few days later, Rush Limbaugh expanded on the story, "My friends. the power given to me from God tells me that by the end of 2011, the President will be John Boehner. Never before has there been such a corrupt Administration. A President who covers up his wife's involvement in a crime and a Vice President who covers up his complicity in a murder. I have it on good authority that the House will act quickly to impeach first Biden and then Obama. This will leave the Country, finally, in the capable hands of President John Boehner."
The speculation was laughed at by Keith Olberrman in his penultimate broadcast on MSNBC. "For tonights broadcast, I will officially name Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh in a dead tie for the all time 'worst persons in the world.' They have called for the impeachment of both the President and The Vice President, for issues that are not only not impeachable, their not crimes or infractions. Rush, Glen when will you learn, the people elect the President. Not you!" The next day Olberrman was fired. It is widely speculated that his dismissal is as a result of his cavalier attitude towards this national crisis.
Then suddenly the issue started to get some serious support on the floor of the House. Representative Michele Bachman, Republican from Minnesota, introduced a bill for the joint impeachment on President Obama and Vice President Biden.
In a special broadcast of the Sean Hannity show, Rep. Bachman, said, "America has lost it's respect around the world. How long could Vice President Biden cover up his involvement in murder of Lana Clarkson by Phil Spector. I have this picture of the three of them, together, shortly before the murder, signed by the Vice President with the salutation, 'Baby, it's you.' Now, I ask you Sean, what else could that possibly mean, then some sick threat to this poor unfortunate woman?"
Another guest of the show, Ann Coulter, then revealed the evidence against the President. "Sean, we have it on good authority that the First Lady, violently removed a tag from a Mattress in the Lincoln Bedroom. Furthermore, she told the President about this misdemeanor who just laughed it off. Liberals always show a lack of respect for our laws."
It is unknown at this time if the President is rewriting the State of the Union to address these serious allegations.
January 25, 2011
BY: Muck Racker
It started out as a story on Glen Beck's show on Fox. "It's time that we patriots, exercised our strength. The Constitution should be strictly construed. This is precisely what our forefathers had in mind when the used the term 'misdemeanors.'"
A few days later, Rush Limbaugh expanded on the story, "My friends. the power given to me from God tells me that by the end of 2011, the President will be John Boehner. Never before has there been such a corrupt Administration. A President who covers up his wife's involvement in a crime and a Vice President who covers up his complicity in a murder. I have it on good authority that the House will act quickly to impeach first Biden and then Obama. This will leave the Country, finally, in the capable hands of President John Boehner."
The speculation was laughed at by Keith Olberrman in his penultimate broadcast on MSNBC. "For tonights broadcast, I will officially name Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh in a dead tie for the all time 'worst persons in the world.' They have called for the impeachment of both the President and The Vice President, for issues that are not only not impeachable, their not crimes or infractions. Rush, Glen when will you learn, the people elect the President. Not you!" The next day Olberrman was fired. It is widely speculated that his dismissal is as a result of his cavalier attitude towards this national crisis.
Then suddenly the issue started to get some serious support on the floor of the House. Representative Michele Bachman, Republican from Minnesota, introduced a bill for the joint impeachment on President Obama and Vice President Biden.
In a special broadcast of the Sean Hannity show, Rep. Bachman, said, "America has lost it's respect around the world. How long could Vice President Biden cover up his involvement in murder of Lana Clarkson by Phil Spector. I have this picture of the three of them, together, shortly before the murder, signed by the Vice President with the salutation, 'Baby, it's you.' Now, I ask you Sean, what else could that possibly mean, then some sick threat to this poor unfortunate woman?"
Another guest of the show, Ann Coulter, then revealed the evidence against the President. "Sean, we have it on good authority that the First Lady, violently removed a tag from a Mattress in the Lincoln Bedroom. Furthermore, she told the President about this misdemeanor who just laughed it off. Liberals always show a lack of respect for our laws."
It is unknown at this time if the President is rewriting the State of the Union to address these serious allegations.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Man without an Afterlife
"The day of the Rapture is upon us" Harvey said to his wife upon wakening. He realized this by the strange color of the sky.
He felt that he had nothing to worry about, after all, he and Betty had led good lives. Surely those fundamentalists could not be right. There had to be a place for the Jews in Heaven. So they followed the crowd and boarded the SST. That was strange. "Why would God need an SST?" When the stewardess spoke, he knew that he was in trouble.
"Please buckle your seatbelts as we prepare for takeoff on your flight to Enron Heaven. To some of you, this will be a stopover to other destinations. Don’t worry about your luggage, it won’t be needed in either place."
"Enron Heaven, my God, have they sold the naming rights to Heaven?" Harvey asked.
"Yes, a short time ago, God took Heaven public," explained the stewardess, "then just last week, Henry Ford was able to accumulate enough shares in a hostile takeover to force God out."
"Henry Ford, Betty we don’t stand a chance!"
"And what about God?" Henry asked , "What happened to him?"
" I understand that he was treated very well. He left with an enormous Golden Parachute."
"This is your pilot, Major Charles Lindbergh, speaking." A voice said from above.
The pilot went through the normal flight speech, but Harvey could hear nothing, all he kept thinking was Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh. Could it be any worse?
As they landed in Father Coughlin airport in Enron Heaven, they were immediately led to a room with a Jewish star on the door. The room was crowded, but he did recognize a few people. "Betty look, that’s Groucho Marx, talking to Hank Greenberg." At that moment a man approached a microphone.
"As you are aware, our leader, Mr. Ford, has commenced cleaning up the methods of the prior management. Therefore, we feel that the people in this room would be happier in a warmer climate."
With that all of the occupants of the room were led to another Jet. Just as Harvey was about to ask what this new destination was. He was handed a brochure. Hades- 2008. The cover said escape from the boring drudgeries of Heaven. Spend your next vacation in Hell.
It didn’t sound too bad. Harvey looked through the brochure for a Hotel room. There were four hotels that stood out, The Hades Hilton, The River Styx Ramada, Damien’s Diplomat and Satan’s Sheraton. He decided that they would try the Hades Hilton.
They arrived at the front desk. "What can I do for you?" Asked the clerk.
"My name is Shapiro, I’d like a room."
"I’m sorry there isn’t a room in the hotel. For that matter, I understand that hell is completely booked."
"Wait a minute, I just heard that woman on the telephone, say that there are plenty of rooms."
"I think that you should leave."
Harvey realized, what had happened. Hell was restricted. He was a man without an afterlife,
They left the HIlton. Not knowing where to go they took the bus to Purgatory.
When the bus arrived at Purgatory, they immediately took notice of how lush the landscape was. They asked the first person that they saw for an explanation. He explained "This was once a barren desert. After we were chased from Heaven and not allowed in Hell, we settled here to make this our homeland. We have taken a desert and made it into an oasis."
He felt that he had nothing to worry about, after all, he and Betty had led good lives. Surely those fundamentalists could not be right. There had to be a place for the Jews in Heaven. So they followed the crowd and boarded the SST. That was strange. "Why would God need an SST?" When the stewardess spoke, he knew that he was in trouble.
"Please buckle your seatbelts as we prepare for takeoff on your flight to Enron Heaven. To some of you, this will be a stopover to other destinations. Don’t worry about your luggage, it won’t be needed in either place."
"Enron Heaven, my God, have they sold the naming rights to Heaven?" Harvey asked.
"Yes, a short time ago, God took Heaven public," explained the stewardess, "then just last week, Henry Ford was able to accumulate enough shares in a hostile takeover to force God out."
"Henry Ford, Betty we don’t stand a chance!"
"And what about God?" Henry asked , "What happened to him?"
" I understand that he was treated very well. He left with an enormous Golden Parachute."
"This is your pilot, Major Charles Lindbergh, speaking." A voice said from above.
The pilot went through the normal flight speech, but Harvey could hear nothing, all he kept thinking was Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh. Could it be any worse?
As they landed in Father Coughlin airport in Enron Heaven, they were immediately led to a room with a Jewish star on the door. The room was crowded, but he did recognize a few people. "Betty look, that’s Groucho Marx, talking to Hank Greenberg." At that moment a man approached a microphone.
"As you are aware, our leader, Mr. Ford, has commenced cleaning up the methods of the prior management. Therefore, we feel that the people in this room would be happier in a warmer climate."
With that all of the occupants of the room were led to another Jet. Just as Harvey was about to ask what this new destination was. He was handed a brochure. Hades- 2008. The cover said escape from the boring drudgeries of Heaven. Spend your next vacation in Hell.
It didn’t sound too bad. Harvey looked through the brochure for a Hotel room. There were four hotels that stood out, The Hades Hilton, The River Styx Ramada, Damien’s Diplomat and Satan’s Sheraton. He decided that they would try the Hades Hilton.
They arrived at the front desk. "What can I do for you?" Asked the clerk.
"My name is Shapiro, I’d like a room."
"I’m sorry there isn’t a room in the hotel. For that matter, I understand that hell is completely booked."
"Wait a minute, I just heard that woman on the telephone, say that there are plenty of rooms."
"I think that you should leave."
Harvey realized, what had happened. Hell was restricted. He was a man without an afterlife,
They left the HIlton. Not knowing where to go they took the bus to Purgatory.
When the bus arrived at Purgatory, they immediately took notice of how lush the landscape was. They asked the first person that they saw for an explanation. He explained "This was once a barren desert. After we were chased from Heaven and not allowed in Hell, we settled here to make this our homeland. We have taken a desert and made it into an oasis."
Friday, January 21, 2011
You've got to follow that Dream wherever that Dream may lead
Even as a child he had the same ambition. He wanted to be a Lawyer. He wanted to wear his thousand dollar suits and argue in front of the Supreme Court. It was not to be, they had met when he was young. She got pregnant, they got married. He went to Law School. Graduated in the lower half of his class. Got a desk job, where he would sit for the next thirty years. His dream of arguing would remain a dream.
She was so lovely when they were young, that it often disguised her lack of charm. A thought never entered her head that didn’t find an egress through her mouth. Still other times, it appeared as if she didn’t know what she would say until she heard it come out of her mouth.
She was never satisfied with him. She dreamed of marrying the success that lived in his fantasy. She wanted to see her husband perfectly attired in a suit that fit like a glove. That wasn’t him. At least they were consistent, he also was never satisfied with him.
As unhappy as they were. Others believed that they made a perfect couple. He, the shallow, daydreaming slob. She the self absorbed, condescending, onetime beauty queen.
Boy could they fight. They’d argue over money and health, like all couples. But they’d also argue about nothing, just for the sake of arguing.
He still daydreamed about the Supreme Court. If he would never make his argument, at least he could see it in session. They were going to make a trip to Washington. The Court would be part of the agenda.
As they approached the Courthouse, they saw the Attorneys enter. They were dressed elegantly in their expensive attire. “Why couldn’t I have married one of them?” She asked, Instead, look what, I got!”
Through his gritting teeth he said, louder then he had realized, “Don’t start, not here.”
She didn’t care where or how load, as she bellowed, “I’ll speak anyway that I damn please.”
A third, unknown male voice chimed in, “No you won’t speak anyway you damn please. Not here.”
Just as that third voice finished his statement, the husband’s fist connected with his jaw, and he said, “Nobody speaks to my wife that way.”
The Capital Police pounced on him immediately. It was then that he realized what he had done. He had lived his dream by arguing in front of the Supreme Court, but at the same time had knocked out Justice Scalia, with one punch.
Later that week, when visiting him in Federal Prison, she realized that her dream was also fulfilled. His Orange jumpsuit fit like a glove.
She was so lovely when they were young, that it often disguised her lack of charm. A thought never entered her head that didn’t find an egress through her mouth. Still other times, it appeared as if she didn’t know what she would say until she heard it come out of her mouth.
She was never satisfied with him. She dreamed of marrying the success that lived in his fantasy. She wanted to see her husband perfectly attired in a suit that fit like a glove. That wasn’t him. At least they were consistent, he also was never satisfied with him.
As unhappy as they were. Others believed that they made a perfect couple. He, the shallow, daydreaming slob. She the self absorbed, condescending, onetime beauty queen.
Boy could they fight. They’d argue over money and health, like all couples. But they’d also argue about nothing, just for the sake of arguing.
He still daydreamed about the Supreme Court. If he would never make his argument, at least he could see it in session. They were going to make a trip to Washington. The Court would be part of the agenda.
As they approached the Courthouse, they saw the Attorneys enter. They were dressed elegantly in their expensive attire. “Why couldn’t I have married one of them?” She asked, Instead, look what, I got!”
Through his gritting teeth he said, louder then he had realized, “Don’t start, not here.”
She didn’t care where or how load, as she bellowed, “I’ll speak anyway that I damn please.”
A third, unknown male voice chimed in, “No you won’t speak anyway you damn please. Not here.”
Just as that third voice finished his statement, the husband’s fist connected with his jaw, and he said, “Nobody speaks to my wife that way.”
The Capital Police pounced on him immediately. It was then that he realized what he had done. He had lived his dream by arguing in front of the Supreme Court, but at the same time had knocked out Justice Scalia, with one punch.
Later that week, when visiting him in Federal Prison, she realized that her dream was also fulfilled. His Orange jumpsuit fit like a glove.
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