Jewish Christmas Eve

So what's this Jew to do on Christmas Eve?
The stores are closed I had to leave
You suggest the bowling alley
A heavy ball, I shall not carry
I tried to watch the yuletide log
It caused my living room to fog.
I called some friends, but it's a pity
they all went to Atlantic City.
So what shall I do that won't make me skittish
And satisfy one who was raised to be Yiddish
The thing that always cheers up my mood
Take the family for Chinese Food.

Even the Chipmunks Age

The Chipmunks have been around for more than half of a century, so it’s time for Alvin’s first Colonoscopy.

To the tune of the Chipmunks song (Christmas don’t be late) 

Colonoscopy is near
Time for Prep and time for clear
Ate too much, but it can't last
Always feast, before the fast
Oh my bowels they won’t relax
Better take more Miralax
Hurry Doctor don’t be late
Been hours since I last ate

Five Two 0 Three

Our tale begins on the Corner of Main
There stood a citizen tall, balding and plain
When along came Kowalski, the cop on the beat
With Handcuffs, pistol and donuts to eat.

He said “Move on Mac, or I’ll run you in.”
I said “What have I done, what is my sin?”
“I’ve heard enough, you’re comin’ with me.
For violating ordinance Five Two O Three.”

He called Headquarters, Hindquarters, Four Quarters alack
He checked all the pay phones for his Quarter Back.
When asked what is ordinance Five Two O Three,
Kowalski proceeded to cuff me to a tree.

He read me my rights, “be silent or speak,
You are the villain, that I’ve searched for more than a week.
You can call an Attorney, an Accountant or Doc
Realtor, Rabbi or boy counting stock.
You’ve the right to be mellow, contrite or sad,
The right to wear yellow, but no stripes with that plaid.”

Just then arrived all of the back up, with sirens a blaring.
I decided to speak, I was very daring.

“You’ve called in Kojak, Colombo, The Man from Uncle and Maxwell Smart
You would have called Jake and the Fat Man, But they couldn’t fit in the Dodge Dart.

‘What have I done to deserve all this attention?
Here comes Napoleon Solo, to take me to my detention.”

And then at the station, with Blue everywhere,
Kowalski must have thought it was time to give me a scare.
He took a deep breath, and then flatulated
He appeared to have pondered, maybe even debated.
“You’re the one that I wanted, It’s you on the poster.”
With that he removed the Gun from his side holster.

The poster said the perp, had “blonde, curly hair,
Stood barely five feet, on her stockings a tear,
In her womb she was carrying, one or two babies,
And she may even be suffering, from a bad case of rabies.

Now I’m a man 6 foot three, and balding on top
So I can understand the confusion of this myopic cop.
So for sheer entertainment, I played along.
I begged and I pleaded and sang them a song.

Now I sing quite poorly, or haven’t you heard.
I can’t carry a tune, and the words sound absurd

What happened just then, you may not believe,
But to stop me from singing they said I could leave
I’ve told you the truth. You can trust my veracity.
He said “Since our prisons are filled to capacity.
Get out of town. I won’t put you in jail,
But we’ll meet again, and then I won’t fail.”

“Officer please I have one question to ask,
Then you can finish drinking what is in your flask.
What did I do, what is Five Two O three?
With eyes filled with rage, he removed the cuffs from the tree
Then he told me my crime as he unhooked the willow
“You were arrested for removing a tag from a pillow.”

Natural Laws

ln a 5 to 4 decision the Supreme Court today overturned the ninth circuit court of appeals decision which held that "regardless of whether they are mentioned in the constitution, the courts do not have the jurisdiction to declare unconstitutional the natural and scientific laws of nature. "

Justice Clarence Thomas, writing for the majority stated that "... if the drafters of the constitution had wanted gravity to exist, it would have stated in the bill of rights, 'it being necessary for the people of the United States not to fly wildly above the earth, government of the United States she'll take no action to deprive the people of the right to have gravity.'"

In a concurring opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, that he believed that this holding "...Would invalidate all same sex marriages throughout the United States because we no longer recognize the laws of attraction. "

In what is believed to be the shortest dissenting opinion, in the history of the court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "Oy vey iz mir!"

Universal Studios has announced that Mel Brooks has been hired to write and direct the Biopic of God

Universal Studios has announced that Mel Brooks has been hired to write and direct the Biopic of God

Brooks said in a press release “The Movie will be an epic, because I will play God. After all who else is old enough? It’s going to be done through the eyes of God’s interviewer, who will be played by Carl (Reiner). We will find out if the Earth was really created in six days, or did God take that rumored vacation to The Fontainebleau in Miami Beach after the fifth day. We will see God advising Noah about building an Ark, ‘No, No use the good glue. That crazy stuff.’ We will see God dancing at Jesus’s Bar Mitzvah. “

The original thoughts of Producer Verner Brothers was to have Mel Gibson write and direct the film. The famous “hands off” approach of the Hollywood Mogul, at first appeared to have backfired. The highly successful, yet controversial Brothers left the task to his Associate Producer, who mistakenly hired Brooks.

When reached for comment, Gibson said, “We had an oral contract. This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Brothers’ Lawyers to review the situation, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.

When reached for comment, Brooks said, “I’m not too worried. I’m the only one old enough to have known God as a boy. I spoke to him, and this is what he wants.”
Universal, last week announced the rest of the prospective cast. Sid Caesar as Methuselah, Gene Wilder as Noah, Nathan Lane as Onan, Mathew Broderick as Jesus and featuring Cloris Leachman as God’s sister, “Auntie Christ.”

Stella

To add some drama to my marriage last week, I did the entire play "a Streetcar named desire," for my wife. She hated it. She said my Stella was not convincing and my Blanche was dry. She did, however say that I made a very moving streetcar.

Health Problem enables New Yorker develops to develop best selling computer program “Pedestrian curses in 17 Languages."

Problems with his health enabled Bruce Gettler of New York City, 56, to develop the best selling computer program “Pedestrian curses in seventeen languages.” Gettler came about his success in an unusual way. Through no fault of his own, Gettler can no longer drive. It has forced him to depend upon mass transportation, and more often than not, his feet. He has a common complaint among Pedestrians, “Driver’s don’t know what “STOP” spells!”

New York City is a melting pot. Nobody knows this better than Gettler. “When you lose something as precious as your driver’s license, you learn to appreciate other things.” Said Gettler. For Gettler one of those other things was an ear for language. “As a Pedestrian it is often necessary to communicate with the Drivers. To politely tell them ‘hey, I’ve got the right of way.’” Gettler added. “How do you say, ‘Your Mother,’ in Spanish? Or ‘Hey, Asshole.” In Italian, or the all-important ‘Shithead’ in Russian.”

Gettler saw a need that wasn’t being fulfilled. He first approached the people at Berlitz, but they weren’t interested in marketing his computer program, “Pedestrian curses in seventeen languages.” So Gettler decided to market it himself. First he had to learn the languages.

Italian was easy. Having been a lifetime fan of Chico Marx, Gettler realized that all he had to do was to add a strategic “A” in the middle of a statement and use his hands. So, “Hey Asshole,” became “Hey Ass A Hole.” For Russian he realized that all he had to do was to add “ski” to the end of a word. “Shithead” became “Shitheadski.”

Joan Silverman, a resident of Forest Hills in the Borough of Queens, recently purchased the product says that “This has been invaluable, especially in Queens. Queens is the most ethnically diverse county in the Country. We need to learn to communicate with our neighbors. I can think of no better way.”

Silverman demonstrated what she learned in Yiddish, by gently reprimanding a moped delivery man riding on the sidewalk of Queens Boulevard. Silverman, naturally belted out, “Gai kakhen afenyam, Putz.” When we asked her for the translation, she said that she “would prefer not to translate it, because it loses all of the beauty and elegance of the Yiddish language when translated in to the vulgar English.”


5/28/2013